FIGHTING MONGOOSES FAIL TO FIGHT AGAINST BLAINESREALAMERICANS
MISS KEVIN WARE MEMORIAL LEAGUE PLAYOFFs
MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin – Josh Allen scored a match-up-high 35.22 fantasy points, Tyler Lockett added 26.20 fantasy points, but in what turned into a play-in game scenario, the Fighting Mongooses (6-8) fell to BlainesRealAmericans (7-7), 152.94 – 128.40. The loss eliminates the Fighting Mongooses from playoff contention in the Kevin Ware Memorial League.
“I have failed my team, myself and most importantly, Kevin Ware,” Allen said after the Bills’ 33-27 overtime loss to the Buccaneers. “It all fell into place. Canadian Tuxedos lost. Polar Express lost. All we had to do was win. Inexcusable missing the playoffs with this roster. I put it all on the line out there. I’m a Mongoose. I ain’t <expletive> quit! Can’t say the same about Lamar (Jackson). Can’t even score two <expletive> points? I hurt my ankle, too! I <expletive> toughed it out!”
Lamar Jackson was not available for comment. Instead, the Ravens’ head trainer read a prepared statement.
“You get a walking boot and you get a walking boot,” Oprah Winfrey said. “Everybody gets a walking boot!”
Everyone in the Fighting Mongooses facility shrieked in excitement as they each received a walking boot.
“Can I use this on my knee?” DeAndre Hopkins asked after the Cardinals’ 30-23 loss to the Rams.
“Can I use this on my COVID?” Darrel Henderson Jr. asked.
“Can I use this to bash Cooper Kupp’s skull in so it’s the same color as the stupid <expletive> red turf at Eastern Washington?” Sony Michel asked. “<Expletive> that false hope on Monday night! Wait, why ain’t Lamar (Jackson) here? Does he have another non-COVID-related illness?”
“He’s confined to the Fighting Mongooses Quarterbacks Room,” Winfrey replied.
The exuberant excitement from the free walking boots quickly turned to somber silence.
“He was a good man. I’m going to miss him,” Lockett said after the Seahawks, 33-13 win over the Texans. “I’m not here to say anybody deserves blame, but Lamar (Jackson) absolutely deserves blame. I’m here to say anybody deserves to die, but he in that room for a reason. We all know what happens in there. We all know what happens when you don’t reach the standard around here. Mongooses never quit. Mongooses will fight. Mongooses will prevail. He hasn’t scored 20 fantasy points in over a month. <Expletive> that <expletive>! He quit.”
The Fighting Mongooses added the Green Bay defense/special teams before the match-up, while BlainesRealAmericans added the Tennessee defense/special teams before the match-up. The Titans would outscore the Packers 27.00 – 13.00.
“I thought these moves would all work,” Pat Freiermuth said after scoring 9.20 fantasy points in the Steelers’ 36-28 loss to the Vikings. “Me over Kyle (Pitts), picking up Harrison Butker, former Mongoose-great. Should have picked up Tennessee. Sure they lost to the Jets and Texans and maybe they’d do the same against the Jaguars… Or they’d shut them out. What do I know? I’m just a rookie.”
“I really thought we were gonna win, too,” Josh Jacobs said after the Raiders’ 48-9 loss to the Chiefs. “That meeting on the Chiefs’ logo at Arrowhead, yeah, that was my idea. It was kind of like a ‘Hey, Patrick Mahomes, <expletive> BlainesRealAmericans!’ Then I fumbled on the first play of the game. Kind of appropriate. Like a microcosm of this season for us. <Expletive>! We lost three times this year by less than one, two and three points. Everyone says ‘Oh, it’s just a weird year.’ Yeah, well, weird for y’all. Weird here is just different.”
The ghost of Daniel Carlson began to laugh maniacally. Winfrey joined in. The ghost of Jackson did not.
The Fighting Mongooses JV (8-6) lost to Blonde Bombers (7-7) 368.40 – 271.70, but still advanced to the Bumble Bee Boys postseason where they will face Roundabout Tornaders (9-5).
“Never forget, roundabouts cause tornadoes” Aaron Jones said. “Look it up.”
“I have failed my team, myself and most importantly, Kevin Ware,” Allen said after the Bills’ 33-27 overtime loss to the Buccaneers. “It all fell into place. Canadian Tuxedos lost. Polar Express lost. All we had to do was win. Inexcusable missing the playoffs with this roster. I put it all on the line out there. I’m a Mongoose. I ain’t <expletive> quit! Can’t say the same about Lamar (Jackson). Can’t even score two <expletive> points? I hurt my ankle, too! I <expletive> toughed it out!”
Lamar Jackson was not available for comment. Instead, the Ravens’ head trainer read a prepared statement.
“You get a walking boot and you get a walking boot,” Oprah Winfrey said. “Everybody gets a walking boot!”
Everyone in the Fighting Mongooses facility shrieked in excitement as they each received a walking boot.
“Can I use this on my knee?” DeAndre Hopkins asked after the Cardinals’ 30-23 loss to the Rams.
“Can I use this on my COVID?” Darrel Henderson Jr. asked.
“Can I use this to bash Cooper Kupp’s skull in so it’s the same color as the stupid <expletive> red turf at Eastern Washington?” Sony Michel asked. “<Expletive> that false hope on Monday night! Wait, why ain’t Lamar (Jackson) here? Does he have another non-COVID-related illness?”
“He’s confined to the Fighting Mongooses Quarterbacks Room,” Winfrey replied.
The exuberant excitement from the free walking boots quickly turned to somber silence.
“He was a good man. I’m going to miss him,” Lockett said after the Seahawks, 33-13 win over the Texans. “I’m not here to say anybody deserves blame, but Lamar (Jackson) absolutely deserves blame. I’m here to say anybody deserves to die, but he in that room for a reason. We all know what happens in there. We all know what happens when you don’t reach the standard around here. Mongooses never quit. Mongooses will fight. Mongooses will prevail. He hasn’t scored 20 fantasy points in over a month. <Expletive> that <expletive>! He quit.”
The Fighting Mongooses added the Green Bay defense/special teams before the match-up, while BlainesRealAmericans added the Tennessee defense/special teams before the match-up. The Titans would outscore the Packers 27.00 – 13.00.
“I thought these moves would all work,” Pat Freiermuth said after scoring 9.20 fantasy points in the Steelers’ 36-28 loss to the Vikings. “Me over Kyle (Pitts), picking up Harrison Butker, former Mongoose-great. Should have picked up Tennessee. Sure they lost to the Jets and Texans and maybe they’d do the same against the Jaguars… Or they’d shut them out. What do I know? I’m just a rookie.”
“I really thought we were gonna win, too,” Josh Jacobs said after the Raiders’ 48-9 loss to the Chiefs. “That meeting on the Chiefs’ logo at Arrowhead, yeah, that was my idea. It was kind of like a ‘Hey, Patrick Mahomes, <expletive> BlainesRealAmericans!’ Then I fumbled on the first play of the game. Kind of appropriate. Like a microcosm of this season for us. <Expletive>! We lost three times this year by less than one, two and three points. Everyone says ‘Oh, it’s just a weird year.’ Yeah, well, weird for y’all. Weird here is just different.”
The ghost of Daniel Carlson began to laugh maniacally. Winfrey joined in. The ghost of Jackson did not.
The Fighting Mongooses JV (8-6) lost to Blonde Bombers (7-7) 368.40 – 271.70, but still advanced to the Bumble Bee Boys postseason where they will face Roundabout Tornaders (9-5).
“Never forget, roundabouts cause tornadoes” Aaron Jones said. “Look it up.”
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Fighting Mongooses Prevail!
Mongooses Win KWML Championship!
SCRANTON, Penn. (AP) – Behind 29.60 fantasy points from David Johnson, the Fighting Mongooses defeated BlainesRealAmericans 114.76 – 109.68 in the championship matchup of the Kevin Ware Memorial League. The victory marks the sixth championship in fantasy franchise history and first in fantasy football since winning the Brewster 11 championship in 2006.
“This is for Kevin Ware!” Johnson exclaimed in the Fighting Mongooses facility, struggling to be heard over Kool & the Gang’s Celebration being played in the room. “I mean, the moment we heard he was no longer with us, it was ‘we gotta win it for him.’”
Johnson was informed that Kevin Ware is not dead, instead simply left the league causing the name change.
“<Expletive>!” Johnsons yelled. “Then why the <expletive> was I trying so hard this year? <Expletive> this!”
Johnson took off his goggles that were protecting his eyes from the gallons of champagne flying across the room. He then promptly left the building. Sadly, he is not expected to be on the team next season.
Philip Rivers and Jameis Winston added 18.88 and 16.48 fantasy points to the Mongoose cause in the championship match respectively. Rivers had a far different reaction than Johnson towards winning the title.
“Mother <expletive> champions!” Rivers yelled while visibly sobbing. “Y’all question our fight? Y’all question our methods? We’re the mother <expletive> champs and I never once stepped foot in the QB room. My condolences to the Osweiler family, by the way. “
Brock Osweiler was cut before the championship after being benched for Tom Savage in Houston. Osweiler was last seen entering the QB room. He did not return. The recently signed Savage was advised not to go in there.
Winston did not comment. He just sat on a boat filled with crab legs he brought into the facility with what was commonly described as a goofy smile on his face.
The Mongooses won despite single digit fantasy performances from Ty Montgomery, Julio Jones, DeMarco Murray and Derrick Henry. After the victory, Henry finally broke his season long silence.
“This season was such a learning experience for me,” Henry told reporters. “I know DeMarco (Murray) was hard on me… really hard… but he’s like a father to me… An abusive father, but still a father.”
Murray came over and drenched Henry with an oversized bottle of champagne. Henry began to laugh; this angered Murray. He then shoved a funnel in Henry’s mouth and proceeded to force Henry to chug the champagne while holding his nose. It wasn’t until Henry began to choke that Murray stopped and smashed the bottle over Henry’s head, knocking him out.
“Love that kid,” Murray said. “Champions, <expletive>!”
The Mongooses clinched the championship after the Sunday night game in Kansas City after a measly 2.00 fantasy point performance from Demaryius Thomas for BlainesRealAmericans. Thomas got the start instead of Chiefs wide out Tyreek Hill, who would have scored 19.50 fantasy points. Had he played, the Americans would have taken the lead.
Jimmy Graham commented on the matter simply by imitating Nelson from The Simpsons.
“Ha-ha,” Graham said, pointing at Hill.
With the exception of Graham, the Fighting Mongooses showed nothing but class by not running up the score. With no pressure on him to perform, Dez Bryant exploded for an irrelevant 23.40 fantasy points; however with the game in hand, the team benched both Bryant and Matt Prater in the Monday night game between the Lions and Cowboys.
“<Expletive>, man! I was ready had that <expletive> came down to me,” Prater said from the Mongooses’ brand new solid gold spa resort. “This <expletive> was gonna come down to a <expletive> field goal and I was gonna hit the <expletive> out of the ball right through the <expletive> uprights! Had it all in my mind. That <expletive> was gonna be the stuff of legend! But hey, things don’t always turn out like you plan. Just <expletive> thrilled we won and I couldn’t be more <expletive> proud to be a <expletive> Mongoose and a <expletive> champion!”
When asked if Prater thought he was benched to avoid a negative point total due to potential missed field goals, Prater dismissed the idea, saying, “yup, champions. <Expletive> champions.”
The victory for the Fighting Mongooses also ends BlainesRealAmericans’ run of three consecutive then-Syracuse League fantasy championships.
“This was a dark time in all of our lives,” Bryant said after a chugging more champagne. “That was like a real life fantasy reign of terror. Those <expletive> guys have been the luckiest sons of <expletives> I’ve ever seen. No one wins at fantasy football that consistently. No team should be as unlikely as we have been the last few years. It just feels appropriate that we were the team to do it. The universe made things right.”
“Look, I’ve never come across a bra I can’t take down,” Jones added, referring to BlainesRealAmericans as an accronym. “Trust me, I’ve seen quite a few bras and panties in my life, you know what I’m saying? I ain’t afraid of no female underwear. <Expletive> the bras, man! Nah, but in all seriousness, Blaine (Gabbert) should not have anyone naming anything after him. He sucks. Glad we took those guys down.”
Jones took some time to collect himself and changed his tone.
“This means everything,” Jones said. “This really was good versus evil, right versus wrong. We couldn’t let those guys win again. The right team won today. The team that deserved to win won today. Let this be a day to be celebrated, a day to be remembered. On Christmas, on Hanukkah, on whatever holiday you celebrate, a miracle happened in 2016. My brothers and I never quit. My brothers and I fought to the end. My brothers and I prevailed! This is why we play for the greatest fantasy franchise in all of fantasy sports, for the greatest fantasy fans in the world!”
We Are The Champions by Queen began to play in the background as Jones gathered the whole team, minus the departed Johnson and unconscious Henry, in the center of the room.
“Mongooses never quit! Mongooses will fight! Mongooses will prevail!” the team chanted in a moment of pure elation and ecstasy.
The Fighting Mongooses are 2016 Kevin Ware Memorial Champions!
“This is for Kevin Ware!” Johnson exclaimed in the Fighting Mongooses facility, struggling to be heard over Kool & the Gang’s Celebration being played in the room. “I mean, the moment we heard he was no longer with us, it was ‘we gotta win it for him.’”
Johnson was informed that Kevin Ware is not dead, instead simply left the league causing the name change.
“<Expletive>!” Johnsons yelled. “Then why the <expletive> was I trying so hard this year? <Expletive> this!”
Johnson took off his goggles that were protecting his eyes from the gallons of champagne flying across the room. He then promptly left the building. Sadly, he is not expected to be on the team next season.
Philip Rivers and Jameis Winston added 18.88 and 16.48 fantasy points to the Mongoose cause in the championship match respectively. Rivers had a far different reaction than Johnson towards winning the title.
“Mother <expletive> champions!” Rivers yelled while visibly sobbing. “Y’all question our fight? Y’all question our methods? We’re the mother <expletive> champs and I never once stepped foot in the QB room. My condolences to the Osweiler family, by the way. “
Brock Osweiler was cut before the championship after being benched for Tom Savage in Houston. Osweiler was last seen entering the QB room. He did not return. The recently signed Savage was advised not to go in there.
Winston did not comment. He just sat on a boat filled with crab legs he brought into the facility with what was commonly described as a goofy smile on his face.
The Mongooses won despite single digit fantasy performances from Ty Montgomery, Julio Jones, DeMarco Murray and Derrick Henry. After the victory, Henry finally broke his season long silence.
“This season was such a learning experience for me,” Henry told reporters. “I know DeMarco (Murray) was hard on me… really hard… but he’s like a father to me… An abusive father, but still a father.”
Murray came over and drenched Henry with an oversized bottle of champagne. Henry began to laugh; this angered Murray. He then shoved a funnel in Henry’s mouth and proceeded to force Henry to chug the champagne while holding his nose. It wasn’t until Henry began to choke that Murray stopped and smashed the bottle over Henry’s head, knocking him out.
“Love that kid,” Murray said. “Champions, <expletive>!”
The Mongooses clinched the championship after the Sunday night game in Kansas City after a measly 2.00 fantasy point performance from Demaryius Thomas for BlainesRealAmericans. Thomas got the start instead of Chiefs wide out Tyreek Hill, who would have scored 19.50 fantasy points. Had he played, the Americans would have taken the lead.
Jimmy Graham commented on the matter simply by imitating Nelson from The Simpsons.
“Ha-ha,” Graham said, pointing at Hill.
With the exception of Graham, the Fighting Mongooses showed nothing but class by not running up the score. With no pressure on him to perform, Dez Bryant exploded for an irrelevant 23.40 fantasy points; however with the game in hand, the team benched both Bryant and Matt Prater in the Monday night game between the Lions and Cowboys.
“<Expletive>, man! I was ready had that <expletive> came down to me,” Prater said from the Mongooses’ brand new solid gold spa resort. “This <expletive> was gonna come down to a <expletive> field goal and I was gonna hit the <expletive> out of the ball right through the <expletive> uprights! Had it all in my mind. That <expletive> was gonna be the stuff of legend! But hey, things don’t always turn out like you plan. Just <expletive> thrilled we won and I couldn’t be more <expletive> proud to be a <expletive> Mongoose and a <expletive> champion!”
When asked if Prater thought he was benched to avoid a negative point total due to potential missed field goals, Prater dismissed the idea, saying, “yup, champions. <Expletive> champions.”
The victory for the Fighting Mongooses also ends BlainesRealAmericans’ run of three consecutive then-Syracuse League fantasy championships.
“This was a dark time in all of our lives,” Bryant said after a chugging more champagne. “That was like a real life fantasy reign of terror. Those <expletive> guys have been the luckiest sons of <expletives> I’ve ever seen. No one wins at fantasy football that consistently. No team should be as unlikely as we have been the last few years. It just feels appropriate that we were the team to do it. The universe made things right.”
“Look, I’ve never come across a bra I can’t take down,” Jones added, referring to BlainesRealAmericans as an accronym. “Trust me, I’ve seen quite a few bras and panties in my life, you know what I’m saying? I ain’t afraid of no female underwear. <Expletive> the bras, man! Nah, but in all seriousness, Blaine (Gabbert) should not have anyone naming anything after him. He sucks. Glad we took those guys down.”
Jones took some time to collect himself and changed his tone.
“This means everything,” Jones said. “This really was good versus evil, right versus wrong. We couldn’t let those guys win again. The right team won today. The team that deserved to win won today. Let this be a day to be celebrated, a day to be remembered. On Christmas, on Hanukkah, on whatever holiday you celebrate, a miracle happened in 2016. My brothers and I never quit. My brothers and I fought to the end. My brothers and I prevailed! This is why we play for the greatest fantasy franchise in all of fantasy sports, for the greatest fantasy fans in the world!”
We Are The Champions by Queen began to play in the background as Jones gathered the whole team, minus the departed Johnson and unconscious Henry, in the center of the room.
“Mongooses never quit! Mongooses will fight! Mongooses will prevail!” the team chanted in a moment of pure elation and ecstasy.
The Fighting Mongooses are 2016 Kevin Ware Memorial Champions!