FIGHTING MONGOOSES FAIL TO FIGHT AGAINST BLAINESREALAMERICANS
MISS KEVIN WARE MEMORIAL LEAGUE PLAYOFFs
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MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin – Josh Allen scored a match-up-high 35.22 fantasy points, Tyler Lockett added 26.20 fantasy points, but in what turned into a play-in game scenario, the Fighting Mongooses (6-8) fell to BlainesRealAmericans (7-7), 152.94 – 128.40. The loss eliminates the Fighting Mongooses from playoff contention in the Kevin Ware Memorial League.
“I have failed my team, myself and most importantly, Kevin Ware,” Allen said after the Bills’ 33-27 overtime loss to the Buccaneers. “It all fell into place. Canadian Tuxedos lost. Polar Express lost. All we had to do was win. Inexcusable missing the playoffs with this roster. I put it all on the line out there. I’m a Mongoose. I ain’t <expletive> quit! Can’t say the same about Lamar (Jackson). Can’t even score two <expletive> points? I hurt my ankle, too! I <expletive> toughed it out!”
Lamar Jackson was not available for comment. Instead, the Ravens’ head trainer read a prepared statement.
“You get a walking boot and you get a walking boot,” Oprah Winfrey said. “Everybody gets a walking boot!”
Everyone in the Fighting Mongooses facility shrieked in excitement as they each received a walking boot.
“Can I use this on my knee?” DeAndre Hopkins asked after the Cardinals’ 30-23 loss to the Rams.
“Can I use this on my COVID?” Darrel Henderson Jr. asked.
“Can I use this to bash Cooper Kupp’s skull in so it’s the same color as the stupid <expletive> red turf at Eastern Washington?” Sony Michel asked. “<Expletive> that false hope on Monday night! Wait, why ain’t Lamar (Jackson) here? Does he have another non-COVID-related illness?”
“He’s confined to the Fighting Mongooses Quarterbacks Room,” Winfrey replied.
The exuberant excitement from the free walking boots quickly turned to somber silence.
“He was a good man. I’m going to miss him,” Lockett said after the Seahawks, 33-13 win over the Texans. “I’m not here to say anybody deserves blame, but Lamar (Jackson) absolutely deserves blame. I’m here to say anybody deserves to die, but he in that room for a reason. We all know what happens in there. We all know what happens when you don’t reach the standard around here. Mongooses never quit. Mongooses will fight. Mongooses will prevail. He hasn’t scored 20 fantasy points in over a month. <Expletive> that <expletive>! He quit.”
The Fighting Mongooses added the Green Bay defense/special teams before the match-up, while BlainesRealAmericans added the Tennessee defense/special teams before the match-up. The Titans would outscore the Packers 27.00 – 13.00.
“I thought these moves would all work,” Pat Freiermuth said after scoring 9.20 fantasy points in the Steelers’ 36-28 loss to the Vikings. “Me over Kyle (Pitts), picking up Harrison Butker, former Mongoose-great. Should have picked up Tennessee. Sure they lost to the Jets and Texans and maybe they’d do the same against the Jaguars… Or they’d shut them out. What do I know? I’m just a rookie.”
“I really thought we were gonna win, too,” Josh Jacobs said after the Raiders’ 48-9 loss to the Chiefs. “That meeting on the Chiefs’ logo at Arrowhead, yeah, that was my idea. It was kind of like a ‘Hey, Patrick Mahomes, <expletive> BlainesRealAmericans!’ Then I fumbled on the first play of the game. Kind of appropriate. Like a microcosm of this season for us. <Expletive>! We lost three times this year by less than one, two and three points. Everyone says ‘Oh, it’s just a weird year.’ Yeah, well, weird for y’all. Weird here is just different.”
The ghost of Daniel Carlson began to laugh maniacally. Winfrey joined in. The ghost of Jackson did not.
The Fighting Mongooses JV (8-6) lost to Blonde Bombers (7-7) 368.40 – 271.70, but still advanced to the Bumble Bee Boys postseason where they will face Roundabout Tornaders (9-5).
“Never forget, roundabouts cause tornadoes” Aaron Jones said. “Look it up.”
“I have failed my team, myself and most importantly, Kevin Ware,” Allen said after the Bills’ 33-27 overtime loss to the Buccaneers. “It all fell into place. Canadian Tuxedos lost. Polar Express lost. All we had to do was win. Inexcusable missing the playoffs with this roster. I put it all on the line out there. I’m a Mongoose. I ain’t <expletive> quit! Can’t say the same about Lamar (Jackson). Can’t even score two <expletive> points? I hurt my ankle, too! I <expletive> toughed it out!”
Lamar Jackson was not available for comment. Instead, the Ravens’ head trainer read a prepared statement.
“You get a walking boot and you get a walking boot,” Oprah Winfrey said. “Everybody gets a walking boot!”
Everyone in the Fighting Mongooses facility shrieked in excitement as they each received a walking boot.
“Can I use this on my knee?” DeAndre Hopkins asked after the Cardinals’ 30-23 loss to the Rams.
“Can I use this on my COVID?” Darrel Henderson Jr. asked.
“Can I use this to bash Cooper Kupp’s skull in so it’s the same color as the stupid <expletive> red turf at Eastern Washington?” Sony Michel asked. “<Expletive> that false hope on Monday night! Wait, why ain’t Lamar (Jackson) here? Does he have another non-COVID-related illness?”
“He’s confined to the Fighting Mongooses Quarterbacks Room,” Winfrey replied.
The exuberant excitement from the free walking boots quickly turned to somber silence.
“He was a good man. I’m going to miss him,” Lockett said after the Seahawks, 33-13 win over the Texans. “I’m not here to say anybody deserves blame, but Lamar (Jackson) absolutely deserves blame. I’m here to say anybody deserves to die, but he in that room for a reason. We all know what happens in there. We all know what happens when you don’t reach the standard around here. Mongooses never quit. Mongooses will fight. Mongooses will prevail. He hasn’t scored 20 fantasy points in over a month. <Expletive> that <expletive>! He quit.”
The Fighting Mongooses added the Green Bay defense/special teams before the match-up, while BlainesRealAmericans added the Tennessee defense/special teams before the match-up. The Titans would outscore the Packers 27.00 – 13.00.
“I thought these moves would all work,” Pat Freiermuth said after scoring 9.20 fantasy points in the Steelers’ 36-28 loss to the Vikings. “Me over Kyle (Pitts), picking up Harrison Butker, former Mongoose-great. Should have picked up Tennessee. Sure they lost to the Jets and Texans and maybe they’d do the same against the Jaguars… Or they’d shut them out. What do I know? I’m just a rookie.”
“I really thought we were gonna win, too,” Josh Jacobs said after the Raiders’ 48-9 loss to the Chiefs. “That meeting on the Chiefs’ logo at Arrowhead, yeah, that was my idea. It was kind of like a ‘Hey, Patrick Mahomes, <expletive> BlainesRealAmericans!’ Then I fumbled on the first play of the game. Kind of appropriate. Like a microcosm of this season for us. <Expletive>! We lost three times this year by less than one, two and three points. Everyone says ‘Oh, it’s just a weird year.’ Yeah, well, weird for y’all. Weird here is just different.”
The ghost of Daniel Carlson began to laugh maniacally. Winfrey joined in. The ghost of Jackson did not.
The Fighting Mongooses JV (8-6) lost to Blonde Bombers (7-7) 368.40 – 271.70, but still advanced to the Bumble Bee Boys postseason where they will face Roundabout Tornaders (9-5).
“Never forget, roundabouts cause tornadoes” Aaron Jones said. “Look it up.”
FIGHTING MONGOOSES STILL ALIVE
BEAT THE ROBOT UNICORN IN MUST-WIN
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LOS ANGELES, California – Sony Michel scored a match-up-high 18.90 fantasy points, seven players scored in double figures and the Fighting Mongooses (6-7) defeated The Robot Unicorn (8-5) 129.02 – 82.26. The Unicorn elected to leave three starting positions – one quarterback and both running back spots – empty, helping the Mongooses snap a two-game losing streak.
“Bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see if it pays off for them,” Michel said after the Rams’ 37-7 win over the Jaguars. “Oh, it didn’t because that was <expletive> stupid! Man, Darrell (Henderson Jr.) politely give me a chance to shine and the other team just rolls out the red carpet. That’s <expletive> beautiful! Everybody else, you see this? Adopt this ‘let the Mongooses win’ strategy. We still need help to make the fantasy playoffs, but I guarantee you this – ain’t nobody wanna see the Fighting <expletive> Mongooses in the postseason. I promise you that.”
The Fighting Mongooses remain in 8th place in the Kevin Ware Memorial League standings. To make the postseason, they’ll need to beat BlainesRealAmericans in Week 14, and also see a loss by Jonathan Taylor Tailback, Canadian Tuxedos or Polar Express. The Fighting Mongooses would need to finish with more points than any of those three teams to sneak into the postseason via tiebreakers.
“Man, <expletive> Jonathan <expletive> Taylor,” Devonta Freeman said after the Ravens’ 20-19 loss to the Steelers. “If that <expletive> team didn’t beat us by less than two points on the last play on Monday Night Football twice, we ain’t even in this situation, but it ain’t just <expletive> luck. Some guys just suck. Lamar (Jackson)?”
“What?” Jackson responded. “Yeah, I was the guy doing flips into the endzone I was scoring so many touchdowns. Remember when me and Josh (Allen) were like the best one-two punch in fantasy? <Expletive>! What happened to us?”
Allen didn’t answer. He was left naked, frozen in a block of ice outside of Highmark Stadium. There was a note chiseled into the ice, reading “I lost to a quarterback who went 2/3 for 19 yards.”
“Bills Mafia is cruel,” Jackson said.
“This ain’t over,” Josh Jacobs said after the Raiders’ 17-15 loss to the Football Team. “Mongooses never quit, right? Well we still got one more week. Yeah, we need to win and we need help, but crazier things have happened. Trust me, I’ve seen some <expletive> in Vegas this year.”
The Fighting Mongooses will face BlainesRealAmericans (6-7) in the regular season finale in Week 14.
The Fighting Mongooses JV (8-5) defeated PSUBurnsey (3-10) 312.35 – 279.80. Mac Jones scored 7.65 fantasy points in the win.
“How crazy is that <expletive>?” Jones said after the Patriots’ 14-10 win over the Bills. “Two completions for 19 yards is 7.65 fantasy points in this weird <expletive> league.”
“Bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see if it pays off for them,” Michel said after the Rams’ 37-7 win over the Jaguars. “Oh, it didn’t because that was <expletive> stupid! Man, Darrell (Henderson Jr.) politely give me a chance to shine and the other team just rolls out the red carpet. That’s <expletive> beautiful! Everybody else, you see this? Adopt this ‘let the Mongooses win’ strategy. We still need help to make the fantasy playoffs, but I guarantee you this – ain’t nobody wanna see the Fighting <expletive> Mongooses in the postseason. I promise you that.”
The Fighting Mongooses remain in 8th place in the Kevin Ware Memorial League standings. To make the postseason, they’ll need to beat BlainesRealAmericans in Week 14, and also see a loss by Jonathan Taylor Tailback, Canadian Tuxedos or Polar Express. The Fighting Mongooses would need to finish with more points than any of those three teams to sneak into the postseason via tiebreakers.
“Man, <expletive> Jonathan <expletive> Taylor,” Devonta Freeman said after the Ravens’ 20-19 loss to the Steelers. “If that <expletive> team didn’t beat us by less than two points on the last play on Monday Night Football twice, we ain’t even in this situation, but it ain’t just <expletive> luck. Some guys just suck. Lamar (Jackson)?”
“What?” Jackson responded. “Yeah, I was the guy doing flips into the endzone I was scoring so many touchdowns. Remember when me and Josh (Allen) were like the best one-two punch in fantasy? <Expletive>! What happened to us?”
Allen didn’t answer. He was left naked, frozen in a block of ice outside of Highmark Stadium. There was a note chiseled into the ice, reading “I lost to a quarterback who went 2/3 for 19 yards.”
“Bills Mafia is cruel,” Jackson said.
“This ain’t over,” Josh Jacobs said after the Raiders’ 17-15 loss to the Football Team. “Mongooses never quit, right? Well we still got one more week. Yeah, we need to win and we need help, but crazier things have happened. Trust me, I’ve seen some <expletive> in Vegas this year.”
The Fighting Mongooses will face BlainesRealAmericans (6-7) in the regular season finale in Week 14.
The Fighting Mongooses JV (8-5) defeated PSUBurnsey (3-10) 312.35 – 279.80. Mac Jones scored 7.65 fantasy points in the win.
“How crazy is that <expletive>?” Jones said after the Patriots’ 14-10 win over the Bills. “Two completions for 19 yards is 7.65 fantasy points in this weird <expletive> league.”
FIGHTING MONGOOSES SUFFER ANOTHER HEARTBREAKING LOSS
PLAYOFF HOPES ON LIFE-SUPPORT
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CLEVELAND, Ohio – Josh Allen scored a match-up-high 26.70 fantasy points, Josh Jacobs added 17.20 fantasy points, but in spectacular fashion, the Fighting Mongooses (5-7) suffered another heartbreaking loss to Jonathan Taylor Tailback (6-6) 123.18 – 121.50. After losing by 0.10 fantasy points on a last-second interception in overtime on Monday Night Football in the first match-up between the two franchises in Week 1, this time the Mongooses lost by just 1.68 fantasy points on a touchdown pass with 15 seconds left on Monday Night Football.
“You have got to be <expletive> kidding me,” Tyler Lockett said after scoring 9.60 fantasy points in the Seahawks’ 17-15 loss to the Football Team on Monday Night Football. “Everything was falling into place. I gave us the lead, Russell (Wilson) continued to suck <expletive> in the process. 15 seconds. He throws a <expletive> touchdown with 15 <expletive> seconds to take the lead. Then he throws a pick and I was like, ‘<Expletive>! We’re gonna win by less than a point!’ Until I realized it doesn’t count as a pick, just a failed two-point conversion! Un-<expletive>-believable.”
The Fighting Mongooses ran out to a commanding lead on Thanksgiving Day, but struggled on Sunday Night Football, putting the match-up in doubt.
“This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for nothing,” Jacobs said after the Raiders 36-33 overtime win over the Cowboys. “Yeah, I got a roof over my head. Yeah, I’m a <expletive> millionaire. Who gives a <expletive>? I need a fantasy championship. This team is good – <expletive> good on paper, yet somehow we keep <expletive> losing by one, two, three points? How much heartbreak can one fantasy team endure? I was there Week 1. I was there 12 weeks ago. I was there the day the strength of Mongooses failed…”
Jacobs saw a flashback of Lamar Jackson’s interception in the Raiders’ overtime win over the Ravens in week 1. Speaking of Lamar Jackson interceptions, he threw four of them in the Ravens’ 16-10 win over the Browns.
“It’s a team game,” Jackson said after scoring just 9.40 fantasy points. “Win as a team. Lose as a team. So naturally, I blame the team. It ain’t me. I’m too great at everything. Everybody else sucks. My receivers, my offensive line, my coaches, my play callers – blame them. <Expletive> them! Yeah, I threw four picks. Yeah, we would have won if I only threw three. Yeah, they were starting Cleveland’s defense and every pick was a four-point swing. Why everybody pointing the finger at me? I’m Lamar <expletive> Jackson. Who the <expletive> are you? <Expletive> you! I’m bored. Peace.”
With the loss, the Fighting Mongooses remain in 8th place with two weeks left in the regular season. They will need to win and get help to make the fantasy playoffs.
“The last time we lost three straight, we went on a three week winning streak,” Allen said after the Bills’ 31-6 win over New Orleans on Thanksgiving. “It’s not over. Mongooses never quit. Mongooses will fight, and yes, Mongooses will prevail!”
The Fighting Mongooses face The Robot Unicorn (8-4) next week. The robotic fictional creature won the first meeting by just 2.74 fantasy points.
The Fighting Mongooses JV (7-5) defeated 16 Steelers (3-9) 207.90 – 164.55.
“You have got to be <expletive> kidding me,” Tyler Lockett said after scoring 9.60 fantasy points in the Seahawks’ 17-15 loss to the Football Team on Monday Night Football. “Everything was falling into place. I gave us the lead, Russell (Wilson) continued to suck <expletive> in the process. 15 seconds. He throws a <expletive> touchdown with 15 <expletive> seconds to take the lead. Then he throws a pick and I was like, ‘<Expletive>! We’re gonna win by less than a point!’ Until I realized it doesn’t count as a pick, just a failed two-point conversion! Un-<expletive>-believable.”
The Fighting Mongooses ran out to a commanding lead on Thanksgiving Day, but struggled on Sunday Night Football, putting the match-up in doubt.
“This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for nothing,” Jacobs said after the Raiders 36-33 overtime win over the Cowboys. “Yeah, I got a roof over my head. Yeah, I’m a <expletive> millionaire. Who gives a <expletive>? I need a fantasy championship. This team is good – <expletive> good on paper, yet somehow we keep <expletive> losing by one, two, three points? How much heartbreak can one fantasy team endure? I was there Week 1. I was there 12 weeks ago. I was there the day the strength of Mongooses failed…”
Jacobs saw a flashback of Lamar Jackson’s interception in the Raiders’ overtime win over the Ravens in week 1. Speaking of Lamar Jackson interceptions, he threw four of them in the Ravens’ 16-10 win over the Browns.
“It’s a team game,” Jackson said after scoring just 9.40 fantasy points. “Win as a team. Lose as a team. So naturally, I blame the team. It ain’t me. I’m too great at everything. Everybody else sucks. My receivers, my offensive line, my coaches, my play callers – blame them. <Expletive> them! Yeah, I threw four picks. Yeah, we would have won if I only threw three. Yeah, they were starting Cleveland’s defense and every pick was a four-point swing. Why everybody pointing the finger at me? I’m Lamar <expletive> Jackson. Who the <expletive> are you? <Expletive> you! I’m bored. Peace.”
With the loss, the Fighting Mongooses remain in 8th place with two weeks left in the regular season. They will need to win and get help to make the fantasy playoffs.
“The last time we lost three straight, we went on a three week winning streak,” Allen said after the Bills’ 31-6 win over New Orleans on Thanksgiving. “It’s not over. Mongooses never quit. Mongooses will fight, and yes, Mongooses will prevail!”
The Fighting Mongooses face The Robot Unicorn (8-4) next week. The robotic fictional creature won the first meeting by just 2.74 fantasy points.
The Fighting Mongooses JV (7-5) defeated 16 Steelers (3-9) 207.90 – 164.55.
OTHERWORDLY FORCES DOOM FIGHTING MONGOOSES AGAIN
IN BLOWOUT LOSS TO INTERRUPTIBLE FOLDBACK
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Canton, PENNSYLVANIA – Josh Allen scored a team-high 16.16 points, spot-starter Tyler Huntley scored a respectable 10.76 fantasy points, but for the second straight week, the Fighting Mongooses (5-6) failed to reach 75 fantasy points, falling to Interruptible Foldback (5-6) 136.74 – 73.32. The loss is the second straight for the Mongooses, who have not scored 100 fantasy points in a week since a 110.88 – 88.12 win over I Just Had Rex in week 8. It also knocks the Mongooses into 8th place in the Kevin Ware Memorial League standings with just three weeks to play.
“Freaking out? I’m not freaking out. Who’s freaking out?” Allen asked after the Bills’ 41-15 loss to the Colts. “Three weeks under 100? Lost our lead in most points? Dropped four spots in the standings? I can’t even remember what the color green looks like. Why would I be freaking out? You’re freaking out! <Expletive>! It’s happening, isn’t it? We are <expletive> cursed! <Expletive>!”
Huntley was an emergency, last minute pick up. With Teddy Bridgewater on a bye week, Lamar Jackson was a surprise inactive, suffering from a non-COVID-related illness.
“I’m fine. I’m fine,” Jackson said before vomiting in a garbage can.
“I can play. I can play,” he said before vomiting once more. “I can’t quit. I gotta fight. I can’t let this non-COVID-related illness keep me down much longer. We must prevail! When the doctor told me you got non-COVID-related illness, I was like ‘No! Not non-COVID-related illness! Anything but non-COVID-related illness! That’s the worst of all illnesses that are non-COVID-related! Non-COVID-related illness is a death sentence – a fantasy death sentence!’ What, you expect Tyler (Huntley) to just go in there and beat the Bears?”
“Hi. I’m Tyler and I just went in there and beat the Bears,” Huntley said after the Ravens’ 16-13 win over the Bears.
“What the hell did I do to get cut for?” Bridgewater asked. “<Expletive>! What did I do? Bye week timing <expletive> sucks!”
“I’m telling you – cursed,” Allen continued to rant, though reporters had stopped asking questions. “I mean, what did we do to deserve this <expletive> luck? Randy Bullock comes in and scored zero fantasy points. Zero. Against the Texans. He had double-digit fantasy points four of the last five weeks! What. The. <Expletive>!”
“I wish I could tell you,” Bullock said after the Titans 22-13 loss to the Texans. “It’s the strangest thing. I missed an extra point. It was like there was some kind of invisible force just keeping me from helping the Fighting Mongooses. Man, it’s cold in here.”
“Wait a minute,” Allen said, noticing something behind Bullock. “Is that the ghost of Daniel Carlson? Everyone! The ghost of Daniel Carlson! Look! It’s the ghost of Daniel Carlson!”
No one would respond to Allen.
“Everyone! Listen to me! I said it’s the ghost of Daniel Carlson – come back to haunt us for killing him last week!”
No one responded again.
“There will be a mint julep waiting on the other side, son,” the ghost of Daniel Carlson said to Bullock. “Release your soul to me.”
Adrian Peterson pulled Bullock back, saving him from certain death.
The ghost of Daniel Carlson began to laugh maniacally.
“Don’t fear the reaper,” the ghost of Daniel Carlson said.
Peterson and Bullock had no fear. They ran to him. They started to fly. They looked backward and said goodbye. They had become like they are. They had taken his hand.
“Is this an Anchorman 2 reference or a Don’t Fear the Reaper reference?” Huntley asked, alarmed. “What the <expletive> is wrong with this place?!”
“Everything,” Jackson said. “Everything… But I’ll always remember the Titans.”
The Fighting Mongooses have three weeks to get back into playoff contention. They face Jonathan Taylor Tailback, The Robot Unicorn and BlainesRealAmericans – three teams the Mongooses lost to, to start the season, the first two by a combined 3.74 fantasy points. The first match-up against Jonathan Taylor Tailback (5-6) will be pivotal for the Mongooses’ playoff hopes.
“We will not suffer the same fate as that first week,” Jackson said before vomiting again. “I won’t throw a late pick in an overtime that shouldn’t of even happened to lose by one <expletive> point again after a… Daniel… Carlson… field goal… Wait, back in week one, was that…?”
The ghost of Daniel Carlson continued to laugh maniacally.
“Did you give me this... non-COVID-related illness?!” Jackson screamed.
The ghosts of Daniel Carlson, Randy Bullock and Adrian Peterson laughed maniacally together.
The Fighting Mongooses JV (6-5) defeated Lake Frogs (5-6) 306.25 – 290.75.
“Freaking out? I’m not freaking out. Who’s freaking out?” Allen asked after the Bills’ 41-15 loss to the Colts. “Three weeks under 100? Lost our lead in most points? Dropped four spots in the standings? I can’t even remember what the color green looks like. Why would I be freaking out? You’re freaking out! <Expletive>! It’s happening, isn’t it? We are <expletive> cursed! <Expletive>!”
Huntley was an emergency, last minute pick up. With Teddy Bridgewater on a bye week, Lamar Jackson was a surprise inactive, suffering from a non-COVID-related illness.
“I’m fine. I’m fine,” Jackson said before vomiting in a garbage can.
“I can play. I can play,” he said before vomiting once more. “I can’t quit. I gotta fight. I can’t let this non-COVID-related illness keep me down much longer. We must prevail! When the doctor told me you got non-COVID-related illness, I was like ‘No! Not non-COVID-related illness! Anything but non-COVID-related illness! That’s the worst of all illnesses that are non-COVID-related! Non-COVID-related illness is a death sentence – a fantasy death sentence!’ What, you expect Tyler (Huntley) to just go in there and beat the Bears?”
“Hi. I’m Tyler and I just went in there and beat the Bears,” Huntley said after the Ravens’ 16-13 win over the Bears.
“What the hell did I do to get cut for?” Bridgewater asked. “<Expletive>! What did I do? Bye week timing <expletive> sucks!”
“I’m telling you – cursed,” Allen continued to rant, though reporters had stopped asking questions. “I mean, what did we do to deserve this <expletive> luck? Randy Bullock comes in and scored zero fantasy points. Zero. Against the Texans. He had double-digit fantasy points four of the last five weeks! What. The. <Expletive>!”
“I wish I could tell you,” Bullock said after the Titans 22-13 loss to the Texans. “It’s the strangest thing. I missed an extra point. It was like there was some kind of invisible force just keeping me from helping the Fighting Mongooses. Man, it’s cold in here.”
“Wait a minute,” Allen said, noticing something behind Bullock. “Is that the ghost of Daniel Carlson? Everyone! The ghost of Daniel Carlson! Look! It’s the ghost of Daniel Carlson!”
No one would respond to Allen.
“Everyone! Listen to me! I said it’s the ghost of Daniel Carlson – come back to haunt us for killing him last week!”
No one responded again.
“There will be a mint julep waiting on the other side, son,” the ghost of Daniel Carlson said to Bullock. “Release your soul to me.”
Adrian Peterson pulled Bullock back, saving him from certain death.
The ghost of Daniel Carlson began to laugh maniacally.
“Don’t fear the reaper,” the ghost of Daniel Carlson said.
Peterson and Bullock had no fear. They ran to him. They started to fly. They looked backward and said goodbye. They had become like they are. They had taken his hand.
“Is this an Anchorman 2 reference or a Don’t Fear the Reaper reference?” Huntley asked, alarmed. “What the <expletive> is wrong with this place?!”
“Everything,” Jackson said. “Everything… But I’ll always remember the Titans.”
The Fighting Mongooses have three weeks to get back into playoff contention. They face Jonathan Taylor Tailback, The Robot Unicorn and BlainesRealAmericans – three teams the Mongooses lost to, to start the season, the first two by a combined 3.74 fantasy points. The first match-up against Jonathan Taylor Tailback (5-6) will be pivotal for the Mongooses’ playoff hopes.
“We will not suffer the same fate as that first week,” Jackson said before vomiting again. “I won’t throw a late pick in an overtime that shouldn’t of even happened to lose by one <expletive> point again after a… Daniel… Carlson… field goal… Wait, back in week one, was that…?”
The ghost of Daniel Carlson continued to laugh maniacally.
“Did you give me this... non-COVID-related illness?!” Jackson screamed.
The ghosts of Daniel Carlson, Randy Bullock and Adrian Peterson laughed maniacally together.
The Fighting Mongooses JV (6-5) defeated Lake Frogs (5-6) 306.25 – 290.75.
FIGHTING MONGOOSES SHOW SHOCKINGLY LITTLE FIGHT
FALL TO HEAVY SALMON 114.24 – 71.26.
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Salmon, IDAHO – Josh Allen scored a team-high 20.94 fantasy points, but in a failure of epic proportions, the Fighting Mongooses (5-5) lost to Heavy Salmon (5-5) 114.24 – 71.26. The 71.26 fantasy points are a season-low and the lowest since scoring 60.52 fantasy points against Dont Draft WRs Early just last year.
The loss proved costly for the Fighting Mongooses. Not only did the loss drop the Mongooses from 4th place to 6th place in the Kevin Ware Memorial League standings, but the team also lost their lead in race for the most points for. With a total of 1248.76, the Mongooses are now 3rd in that category.
“Well that was a <expletive> nightmare,” Allen said after the Bills’ 45-17 win against the Jets. “That wasn’t very Mongoose-like. Lamar (Jackson) and I were the only ones to reach double digit fantasy points, and even he <expletive> sucked on Thursday! I mean, I know we were going up against the defending champs, but come on! It’s like everyone else just gave up!”
“Yeah, I quit,” Darrell Henderson Jr. said after the Rams’ 31-10 loss to the 49ers on Monday Night Football. “I know it kind of goes against our motto and everything, but we were gonna lose anyway, and I was like ‘wow, we could get half our projected total for the week!’ I didn’t even think that was possible, but hey, you learn something new every day.”
Henderson Jr.’s decision to not try came after the Mongooses’ fate was sealed on Sunday Night Football. At the time, the Mongooses had the opportunity to prevail, but Josh Jacobs, Kenyan Drake and Daniel Carson were out-scored by Bryan Edwards and Travis Kelce 26.7 – 8.7.
“In the grand scheme of things, after all we’ve been through this season, is this really that terrible?” Carlson asked after scoring two fantasy points in the Raiders’ 41-14 loss to the Chiefs. “I mean, (Jon) Gruden, (Henry) Ruggs (III). I think we all need to put fantasy football into perspective.”
“You right, Daniel,” Jacobs said. “But since we in Vegas, let’s play a little roulette… Russian Roulette.”
“Oh, no,” Carlson said, with noticeable fear in his eyes. “Let’s just pretend I didn’t say anything. I didn’t mean it. I was joking. You guys know me, right? Always joking. Haha. Ha… ha.”
“I insist,” Jacobs said emphatically.
Drake forced Carlson into a chair. The entire team surrounded him. Some asked him if he felt lucky. Some asked him why he would say something so foolish. Some just prayed. Drake handed Carlson a revolver.
“Please!” Carlson pleaded. “I swear! I have my priorities in order! Mongooses never quit! Mongooses will fight! Mongooses will prevail! Right? Right? Don’t make me do it! Don’t make me do it! Don’t make me – “
“Dude, it’s a joke,” Drake said. “This is Vegas. It’s a show. All smoke and mirrors. There are no live rounds in there.”
Carlson exhaled, trusting his teammate and pulling the trigger.
“Oh,” Drake said. “I meant six rounds.”
The crowd dispersed.
The Fighting Mongooses are thrilled to introduce their new place kicker, Randy Bullock. Bullock will make his Fighting Mongooses debut this week against Interruptible Foldback (4-6).
The Fighting Mongooses JV (5-5) defeated RIDGERUNNERS (2-8) 292.85 – 256.85.
The loss proved costly for the Fighting Mongooses. Not only did the loss drop the Mongooses from 4th place to 6th place in the Kevin Ware Memorial League standings, but the team also lost their lead in race for the most points for. With a total of 1248.76, the Mongooses are now 3rd in that category.
“Well that was a <expletive> nightmare,” Allen said after the Bills’ 45-17 win against the Jets. “That wasn’t very Mongoose-like. Lamar (Jackson) and I were the only ones to reach double digit fantasy points, and even he <expletive> sucked on Thursday! I mean, I know we were going up against the defending champs, but come on! It’s like everyone else just gave up!”
“Yeah, I quit,” Darrell Henderson Jr. said after the Rams’ 31-10 loss to the 49ers on Monday Night Football. “I know it kind of goes against our motto and everything, but we were gonna lose anyway, and I was like ‘wow, we could get half our projected total for the week!’ I didn’t even think that was possible, but hey, you learn something new every day.”
Henderson Jr.’s decision to not try came after the Mongooses’ fate was sealed on Sunday Night Football. At the time, the Mongooses had the opportunity to prevail, but Josh Jacobs, Kenyan Drake and Daniel Carson were out-scored by Bryan Edwards and Travis Kelce 26.7 – 8.7.
“In the grand scheme of things, after all we’ve been through this season, is this really that terrible?” Carlson asked after scoring two fantasy points in the Raiders’ 41-14 loss to the Chiefs. “I mean, (Jon) Gruden, (Henry) Ruggs (III). I think we all need to put fantasy football into perspective.”
“You right, Daniel,” Jacobs said. “But since we in Vegas, let’s play a little roulette… Russian Roulette.”
“Oh, no,” Carlson said, with noticeable fear in his eyes. “Let’s just pretend I didn’t say anything. I didn’t mean it. I was joking. You guys know me, right? Always joking. Haha. Ha… ha.”
“I insist,” Jacobs said emphatically.
Drake forced Carlson into a chair. The entire team surrounded him. Some asked him if he felt lucky. Some asked him why he would say something so foolish. Some just prayed. Drake handed Carlson a revolver.
“Please!” Carlson pleaded. “I swear! I have my priorities in order! Mongooses never quit! Mongooses will fight! Mongooses will prevail! Right? Right? Don’t make me do it! Don’t make me do it! Don’t make me – “
“Dude, it’s a joke,” Drake said. “This is Vegas. It’s a show. All smoke and mirrors. There are no live rounds in there.”
Carlson exhaled, trusting his teammate and pulling the trigger.
“Oh,” Drake said. “I meant six rounds.”
The crowd dispersed.
The Fighting Mongooses are thrilled to introduce their new place kicker, Randy Bullock. Bullock will make his Fighting Mongooses debut this week against Interruptible Foldback (4-6).
The Fighting Mongooses JV (5-5) defeated RIDGERUNNERS (2-8) 292.85 – 256.85.
FIGHTING MONGOOSES MANAGE JUST 97.90 FANTASY POINTS
STILL STEAMROLL POLAR EXPRESS
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/400.jpeg?1636657752)
Nunavut, CANADA – Lamar Jackson scored a match-up-high 30.64 fantasy points, Marquise Brown added 11.60 fantasy points, and in a week of low scoring league-wide, the Fighting Mongooses (5-4) won a low-scoring affair against Polar Express (6-3) 97.90 – 74.32. The 97.90 fantasy points were by far the lowest total of the season for the Mongooses, but thanks to the Expresses decision to leave three starting positions empty, the Mongooses indeed prevailed.
“I mean that was just <expletive> stupid,” Jackson said after the Ravens’ 34-31 overtime win over the Vikings. “They sent out some press release last week. Something about focusing about winning a championship, not winning the week. Well <expletive>! Might have actually beat us if they tried. Besides me, everyone else <expletive> sucked!”
The 97.90 fantasy points is 42.12 fantasy points below the Yahoo! projection. Jackson and Brown were the only two Mongooses to finish in double digit fantasy points.
“Look around the league,” Brown explained. “Seven teams didn’t break 100 this week. Only one team (Jonathan Taylor Tailback) finished in the green. So much red out there. So, no. I don’t feel bad we sucked this week. Everybody sucked. We still won. That’s all the matters.”
With the win, the Fighting Mongooses remain in 4th place, but increase their lead in total points from 0.10 fantasy points to 2.70 fantasy points over BlainesRealAmericans.
“This is gonna be a race ‘till the end,” Darrell Henderson Jr. said after the Rams’ 28-16 loss to the Titans. “It’s not all about the standings. Yeah, gotta finish in the top six, but winning that points title is huge! It’s so close. We were up by one <expletive> yard last week! I’m telling you, though, this team’s got what it takes. We bonding. I mean, have you even seen anyone in that quarterbacks room this year?”
Josh Allen stared at the closed door, the doorposts still stained in the blood of DeAndre Hopkins, Kendall Hinton, Jameis Winston, among others.
“Never again,” Allen said to himself after scoring a season-low 9.56 fantasy points in the Bills’ 9-6 loss to the Jaguars.
“I remember that quarterback room,” Adrian Peterson said, after scoring 8.60 fantasy points in his season debut and return to the fantasy franchise. “That’s where DeMarco Murray murdered Derrick Henry. Good times. Miss this place. I haven’t been here since that time I was suspended for beating children. This place just feels right. Now then, 97.90 fantasy points? That won’t cut it with me here. Time for… discipline.”
Peterson looked around the room and found everyone had vacated out of fear.
The Fighting Mongooses face Heavy Salmon (4-5) next week.
The Fighting Mongooses JV (4-5) lost to Team Good Times (7-2) 314.30 – 248.55.
“I mean that was just <expletive> stupid,” Jackson said after the Ravens’ 34-31 overtime win over the Vikings. “They sent out some press release last week. Something about focusing about winning a championship, not winning the week. Well <expletive>! Might have actually beat us if they tried. Besides me, everyone else <expletive> sucked!”
The 97.90 fantasy points is 42.12 fantasy points below the Yahoo! projection. Jackson and Brown were the only two Mongooses to finish in double digit fantasy points.
“Look around the league,” Brown explained. “Seven teams didn’t break 100 this week. Only one team (Jonathan Taylor Tailback) finished in the green. So much red out there. So, no. I don’t feel bad we sucked this week. Everybody sucked. We still won. That’s all the matters.”
With the win, the Fighting Mongooses remain in 4th place, but increase their lead in total points from 0.10 fantasy points to 2.70 fantasy points over BlainesRealAmericans.
“This is gonna be a race ‘till the end,” Darrell Henderson Jr. said after the Rams’ 28-16 loss to the Titans. “It’s not all about the standings. Yeah, gotta finish in the top six, but winning that points title is huge! It’s so close. We were up by one <expletive> yard last week! I’m telling you, though, this team’s got what it takes. We bonding. I mean, have you even seen anyone in that quarterbacks room this year?”
Josh Allen stared at the closed door, the doorposts still stained in the blood of DeAndre Hopkins, Kendall Hinton, Jameis Winston, among others.
“Never again,” Allen said to himself after scoring a season-low 9.56 fantasy points in the Bills’ 9-6 loss to the Jaguars.
“I remember that quarterback room,” Adrian Peterson said, after scoring 8.60 fantasy points in his season debut and return to the fantasy franchise. “That’s where DeMarco Murray murdered Derrick Henry. Good times. Miss this place. I haven’t been here since that time I was suspended for beating children. This place just feels right. Now then, 97.90 fantasy points? That won’t cut it with me here. Time for… discipline.”
Peterson looked around the room and found everyone had vacated out of fear.
The Fighting Mongooses face Heavy Salmon (4-5) next week.
The Fighting Mongooses JV (4-5) lost to Team Good Times (7-2) 314.30 – 248.55.
WEEK EIGHT IS GREAT!
MONGOOSES DEFEAT I JUST HAD REX IN LOW-SCORING AFFAIR
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/fb3062d3-1104-4764-a57e-fde4ab688139-jg-103121-bills-1.jpg?1636255394)
MIAMI, Florida – Josh Allen scored a match-up-high 29.46 fantasy points, Darell Henderson Jr. added 21.30 fantasy points, and in a week full of bye week absences, the Fighting Mongooses (4-4) defeated I Just Had Rex (5-3) 110.18 – 88.12.
“I mean, that was kind of ugly,” Allen said after the Bills’ 26-11 win over the Dolphins. “I got mine. Darrell got his, but that was like it! We scored less than we did last week, but they just sucked! Did my part. I knew Emmanual Sanders was playing for them. Tried really hard to make sure he finished with no catches for no yards and I nearly got 30! That’s how it’s <expletive> done!”
“I just knew I had to score for two,” Henderson Jr. said after his 21.30 fantasy point performance in the Rams’ 38-22 win over the Texans. “With Josh (Jacobs) and Kenyan (Drake) on a bye, it was just me and Sony (Michel), but when Mark Ingram was traded, we were like ‘OK, maybe David Johnson gonna get touches in our game.’ Picked him up. Three yards. Three <expletive> yards. Saw him at midfield after the game. I asked him, ‘what the <expletive> is the matter with you? You a proud Mongooses. Won a <expletive> championship here. What the <expletive>?!’ He had no answer. Done with that <expletive>. Good thing I got 21.”
DeAndre Hopkins only managed 6.60 fantasy points, but it would have been a much better day for the Arizona wide out, had a long touchdown called back after he was flagged for a facemask.
“I didn’t do nothin!” Hopkins proclaimed after the Cardinals’ 24-21 loss to the Packers. “Facemask? I ain’t grab no facemask. Just like Aaron (Rodgers) didn’t lie. I don’t know why the world is so <expletive> crazy. I deserve that touchdown and the bonus that came with it. My hamstring hurts! <Explteive>!”
“I caught 142 receiving yards from Geno Smith,” Tyler Lockett said after scoring 14.20 fantasy points in the Seahawks’ 31-7 win over the Jaguars. “Aaron Rodgers caught COVID and lied about getting vaccinated. I guess I am a clairvoyant. OK. Here’s what’s going to happen next. I’m gonna score like 50 touchdowns next week. Yeah, that’s it. I’m going to have the single greatest day in fantasy football history next week. You hear me! Mark it down. In pen. It. Will. Happen!”
The Seahawks have a bye next week.
Without Lockett, the Fighting Mongooses will face Polar Express (6-2).
The Fighting Mongooses JV (4-4) defeated Scratch & Sniff (5-3) 310.85 – 275.70.
“I mean, that was kind of ugly,” Allen said after the Bills’ 26-11 win over the Dolphins. “I got mine. Darrell got his, but that was like it! We scored less than we did last week, but they just sucked! Did my part. I knew Emmanual Sanders was playing for them. Tried really hard to make sure he finished with no catches for no yards and I nearly got 30! That’s how it’s <expletive> done!”
“I just knew I had to score for two,” Henderson Jr. said after his 21.30 fantasy point performance in the Rams’ 38-22 win over the Texans. “With Josh (Jacobs) and Kenyan (Drake) on a bye, it was just me and Sony (Michel), but when Mark Ingram was traded, we were like ‘OK, maybe David Johnson gonna get touches in our game.’ Picked him up. Three yards. Three <expletive> yards. Saw him at midfield after the game. I asked him, ‘what the <expletive> is the matter with you? You a proud Mongooses. Won a <expletive> championship here. What the <expletive>?!’ He had no answer. Done with that <expletive>. Good thing I got 21.”
DeAndre Hopkins only managed 6.60 fantasy points, but it would have been a much better day for the Arizona wide out, had a long touchdown called back after he was flagged for a facemask.
“I didn’t do nothin!” Hopkins proclaimed after the Cardinals’ 24-21 loss to the Packers. “Facemask? I ain’t grab no facemask. Just like Aaron (Rodgers) didn’t lie. I don’t know why the world is so <expletive> crazy. I deserve that touchdown and the bonus that came with it. My hamstring hurts! <Explteive>!”
“I caught 142 receiving yards from Geno Smith,” Tyler Lockett said after scoring 14.20 fantasy points in the Seahawks’ 31-7 win over the Jaguars. “Aaron Rodgers caught COVID and lied about getting vaccinated. I guess I am a clairvoyant. OK. Here’s what’s going to happen next. I’m gonna score like 50 touchdowns next week. Yeah, that’s it. I’m going to have the single greatest day in fantasy football history next week. You hear me! Mark it down. In pen. It. Will. Happen!”
The Seahawks have a bye next week.
Without Lockett, the Fighting Mongooses will face Polar Express (6-2).
The Fighting Mongooses JV (4-4) defeated Scratch & Sniff (5-3) 310.85 – 275.70.
WHAT A JERK!
MONGOOSES TRIPPED UP BY MORE LIKE JERK COUSINS BACK IN WEEK 7
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/usa-today-17022103-0.jpg?1636255302)
SEATTLE, Wash. – Lamar Jackson scored a team-high 23.08 fantasy points, Kyle Pitts added 16.30 fantasy points, but the Fighting Mongooses (3-4) fell to More Like Jerk Cousins (3-4) 126.22 – 110.46.
“That was like two <expletive> weeks ago,” Jackson said two weeks after the Ravens’ 41-17 loss to the Bengals. “I don’t even <expletive> remember <expletive> from that game. Maybe you should write these mother <expletive> recaps week of, like you supposed to. I’m tired of all these stupid <expletive> questions! Two <expletive> weeks ago! <Expletive>!”
“I remember,” Pitts said two weeks after the Falcons’ 30-28 win over the Dolphins. “How could I forget. It was National Tight Ends Day. Oh, what a glorious day! I celebrated with 163 yards! But did anyone wish me a Happy Tight Ends Day? Did anyone come up to me and say ‘hey, Kyle! I appreciate you, our tight end on tight ends day.’ No. No one <expletive> did.”
Josh Jacobs added 12.80 fantasy points, but left the Raiders’ 33-22 win over the Eagles with an injury. In his absence, Kenyan Drake scored 13.90 fantasy point the rest of the game. It was Drake’s first game as a Mongoose, but sadly wasted his points on the bench.
“I felt terrible about that,” Drake said. “I was so excited to get in the game, get in the endzone. I was like <expletive>! We’re gonna lose because I’m on the bench!”
The Fighting Mongooses still had an opportunity to win. With the team trailing by 16.96 fantasy points, Tyler Lockett was the lone player left. He managed just 1.2 fantasy points.
“Yea. We’ve been over this,” Lockett said. “Geno Smith. Geno <expletive> Smith. What the <expletive> do you want from me? It’s not like I can go out there and grab 142 receiving yards. I mean, Aaron Rodgers suits up for the Jerks. It’s not like he’s missing a game due to testing positive for COVID, revealing he lied about being vaccinated. I mean, I’m no clairvoyant, but come on!”
The Mongooses will look to (and did) rebound against I Just Had Rex (5-2) in Week 8.
The Fighting Mongooses JV (3-4) defeated Blonde Bombers (3-4) 322.50 – 260.10.
“That was like two <expletive> weeks ago,” Jackson said two weeks after the Ravens’ 41-17 loss to the Bengals. “I don’t even <expletive> remember <expletive> from that game. Maybe you should write these mother <expletive> recaps week of, like you supposed to. I’m tired of all these stupid <expletive> questions! Two <expletive> weeks ago! <Expletive>!”
“I remember,” Pitts said two weeks after the Falcons’ 30-28 win over the Dolphins. “How could I forget. It was National Tight Ends Day. Oh, what a glorious day! I celebrated with 163 yards! But did anyone wish me a Happy Tight Ends Day? Did anyone come up to me and say ‘hey, Kyle! I appreciate you, our tight end on tight ends day.’ No. No one <expletive> did.”
Josh Jacobs added 12.80 fantasy points, but left the Raiders’ 33-22 win over the Eagles with an injury. In his absence, Kenyan Drake scored 13.90 fantasy point the rest of the game. It was Drake’s first game as a Mongoose, but sadly wasted his points on the bench.
“I felt terrible about that,” Drake said. “I was so excited to get in the game, get in the endzone. I was like <expletive>! We’re gonna lose because I’m on the bench!”
The Fighting Mongooses still had an opportunity to win. With the team trailing by 16.96 fantasy points, Tyler Lockett was the lone player left. He managed just 1.2 fantasy points.
“Yea. We’ve been over this,” Lockett said. “Geno Smith. Geno <expletive> Smith. What the <expletive> do you want from me? It’s not like I can go out there and grab 142 receiving yards. I mean, Aaron Rodgers suits up for the Jerks. It’s not like he’s missing a game due to testing positive for COVID, revealing he lied about being vaccinated. I mean, I’m no clairvoyant, but come on!”
The Mongooses will look to (and did) rebound against I Just Had Rex (5-2) in Week 8.
The Fighting Mongooses JV (3-4) defeated Blonde Bombers (3-4) 322.50 – 260.10.
fighting mongooses hotter than 800degreesinthecaribbeansea;
win third straight match-up
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/a8fd14a552fc49cf8c509b931f148ec4.jpg?1634789334)
NASHVILLE, Tennessee – Josh Allen scored a match-up-high 28.72 fantasy points, Darrell Henderson Jr. added 22.70 fantasy points and the Fighting Mongooses (3-3) defeated 800degreesinthecaribbeansea (3-3) 145.40 – 133.98. Trailing by 17.30 fantasy points going into Monday Night Football, Allen led the Mongooses to the comeback victory, the team’s third straight win after starting the year 0-3.
“I don’t care how hot it gets in the Caribbean Sea. I was not about to let my team lose to a team starting one quarterback,” Allen said after the Bills’ 34-31 loss to the Titans on Monday Night Football. “(Tom) Brady didn’t even have that good of a fantasy week. It was (Leonard) Fournette and <expletive> (Jaylen) Waddle! Overachieving <expletives>! Made sure I got the job done. I was just in the zone, but in the final minute, I realized we were up 12. Didn’t matter anymore. Didn’t even need one more yard. I mean, why get another yard? What’s the point? Seriously, can anybody give a reason why I should have gained one more yard?"
Reporters pressed Allen about how his quarterback sneak for no gain on 4th and 1 in the final minute cost the Bills a chance to win.
"I'm not making myself clear," Allen responded. "I don't give a <expletive>! Now you have several interviews with other players. I would think you'd be more focused on the fantasy matchup we just won and not building bunk beds! I mean, the Bills!"
Reporters left, albeit confused, holding a DVD copy of Step Brothers Allen provided.
Despite 800degreesinthecaribbeansea starting only one quarterback, they took the lead on Sunday Night Football, when Najee Harris outscored Tyler Lockett 18.70 – 3.50.
“Well what do you <expletive> expect?” Lockett asked after the Seahawks’ 23-20 overtime loss to the Steelers. “I mean, we’ve got like the worst run defense in the league and I got Geno Smith throwing me the ball. Geno <expletive> Smith! I <expletive> knew that would be a disaster. Russell (Wilson)! Come back to me, Russell! I need you! Your finger better yet? Where’s the finger doctor? We got finger doctors, right?”
Henderson has reached double digit fantasy points in every game he’s started this season, but his performance this week was a season-best.
“It’s just so easy when you’re playing the Giants,” Henderson said after the Rams’ 38-11 win over the Giants. “What? I don’t care about giving politically correct answers. They suck. I was running in touchdowns, catching touchdowns. I wish I could play them every week! Who we got next?”
Henderson was informed the Rams’ next two games are against the Lions and Texans. He broke out in uncontrollable laughter and walked away.
The second-highest scoring team in the league, the Fighting Mongooses are finally back in the playoff picture, where they belong. The Gooses are now in 5th place in the Kevin Ware Memorial League standings.
“I’ve been here for a season and a half now,” DeAndre Hopkins said after the Cardinals’ 37-14 win over the Browns. “You can never count out the Mongooses. Never! You know the motto. Mongooses never quit! Mongooses will fight! Mongooses will prevail. This season is a microcosm of this fantasy franchise. 0-3 to 3-3? We just getting started. We ain’t satisfied with 5th place. We heading to the top!”
The Fighting Mongooses face More Like Jerk Cousins (2-4) in Week 7.
The Fighting Mongooses JV (2-4) fell to Roundabout Tornaders (3-3) 344.55 – 287.55.
“Roundabouts cause tornados,” Aaron Jones said. “Look it up.”
“I don’t care how hot it gets in the Caribbean Sea. I was not about to let my team lose to a team starting one quarterback,” Allen said after the Bills’ 34-31 loss to the Titans on Monday Night Football. “(Tom) Brady didn’t even have that good of a fantasy week. It was (Leonard) Fournette and <expletive> (Jaylen) Waddle! Overachieving <expletives>! Made sure I got the job done. I was just in the zone, but in the final minute, I realized we were up 12. Didn’t matter anymore. Didn’t even need one more yard. I mean, why get another yard? What’s the point? Seriously, can anybody give a reason why I should have gained one more yard?"
Reporters pressed Allen about how his quarterback sneak for no gain on 4th and 1 in the final minute cost the Bills a chance to win.
"I'm not making myself clear," Allen responded. "I don't give a <expletive>! Now you have several interviews with other players. I would think you'd be more focused on the fantasy matchup we just won and not building bunk beds! I mean, the Bills!"
Reporters left, albeit confused, holding a DVD copy of Step Brothers Allen provided.
Despite 800degreesinthecaribbeansea starting only one quarterback, they took the lead on Sunday Night Football, when Najee Harris outscored Tyler Lockett 18.70 – 3.50.
“Well what do you <expletive> expect?” Lockett asked after the Seahawks’ 23-20 overtime loss to the Steelers. “I mean, we’ve got like the worst run defense in the league and I got Geno Smith throwing me the ball. Geno <expletive> Smith! I <expletive> knew that would be a disaster. Russell (Wilson)! Come back to me, Russell! I need you! Your finger better yet? Where’s the finger doctor? We got finger doctors, right?”
Henderson has reached double digit fantasy points in every game he’s started this season, but his performance this week was a season-best.
“It’s just so easy when you’re playing the Giants,” Henderson said after the Rams’ 38-11 win over the Giants. “What? I don’t care about giving politically correct answers. They suck. I was running in touchdowns, catching touchdowns. I wish I could play them every week! Who we got next?”
Henderson was informed the Rams’ next two games are against the Lions and Texans. He broke out in uncontrollable laughter and walked away.
The second-highest scoring team in the league, the Fighting Mongooses are finally back in the playoff picture, where they belong. The Gooses are now in 5th place in the Kevin Ware Memorial League standings.
“I’ve been here for a season and a half now,” DeAndre Hopkins said after the Cardinals’ 37-14 win over the Browns. “You can never count out the Mongooses. Never! You know the motto. Mongooses never quit! Mongooses will fight! Mongooses will prevail. This season is a microcosm of this fantasy franchise. 0-3 to 3-3? We just getting started. We ain’t satisfied with 5th place. We heading to the top!”
The Fighting Mongooses face More Like Jerk Cousins (2-4) in Week 7.
The Fighting Mongooses JV (2-4) fell to Roundabout Tornaders (3-3) 344.55 – 287.55.
“Roundabouts cause tornados,” Aaron Jones said. “Look it up.”
fighting mongooses never quit, fight, prevail
to the tune of 200.28 fantasy points
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/lamar-jackson2.jpg?1634093185)
BALTIMORE, Maryland – Lamar Jackson scored a match-up-high 45.88 fantasy points, Josh Allen added a second-best 40.50 fantasy points and the Fighting Mongooses (2-3) beat Favre’s Dong Shots (1-4) 200.28 – 121.22.
“Y’all just witness that?” Jackson said after the Ravens’ 31-25 overtime win over the Colts. “You just saw the potential of the Fighting Mongooses! When me and Josh (Allen) get going like that, <expletive>! That <expletive> is exciting! We two of the best fantasy QB’s in fantasy and reality! <Expletive>! Josh already won us the match-up. I didn’t have to do anything on Monday. So, I didn’t, but at half I just felt like scoring a <expletive> ton of fantasy points. So, I did, and we <expletive> put up 200!”
The 200.28 fantasy points is the most scored by the franchise since a 206.98 – 121.90 win over Lafferty Daniel in Week 4 of the 2018 season.
“I remember that win over Lafferty Daniel,” Allen said. “Jared Goff, Kirk Cousins. I think they played each other on a Thursday night. It was over before it started. That was my rookie year with the Canadian Tuxedoes. Won a <expletive> title, but I didn’t play. My first career match-up was actually against the Fighting Mongooses in the regular season. I think Mitch Trubisky had a bye. He was good then. I rode the Tuxedo bench when we won that epic match-up with the Mongooses in the championship. Three years later, it's my second year starting for the Gooses. Full circle. Life’s good, man. Life’s good.”
Allen turned to leave, but then called back the reporters.
“Don’t look at my old tweets from high school. Seriously. I saw what happened to Jon Gruden. Please, just don’t. OK? Thanks.”
The Las Vegas defense and Josh Jacobs combined for 18.70 fantasy points, despite the controversy surrounding Jon Gruden. Jacobs and Carl Nassib called a press conference after Gruden’s resignation.
“Carl (Nassib) and I stand here as a gay man and a black man,” Jacobs read from a prepared statement. “Football brings together men of all walks of life and we are deeply saddened by the report that our former head coach is a racist, homophobic, <expletive>-hole. That said, we saw this coming.”
“When I first came out, I received unbelievable support from my friends, family, and the league,” Nassib continued. “Coach Gruden just sent me an email saying ‘I’m proud of you. Go celebrate at a gay bar and blow your boyfriend or whatever you <expletives> do. See you in camp!’”
“When I asked coach Gruden why we threw the ball so much with Derek (Carr) instead of running it with me, he just emailed me back,” Jacobs explained. “It said ‘Why would I give the rock to a <expletive> <expletive> when Derek can receive his rightful glory? White Power!’”
“When I got to camp, there was a note on my locker from coach Gruden,” Nassib added. “All it said was ‘So you’re not tempted by your teammates,’ and there was a dildo in my locker.”
“I had the opportunity to open up to coach Gruden about the difficult time in my life when I was homeless,” Jacobs continued. “He just said, ‘yeah, well you <expletives> are used to that, right? If you ain’t playing sports, you’re useless to society. White Power!”
“So, yes. We saw this coming,” Nassib and Jacobs concluded in unison.
Eight of the eleven Fighting Mongooses starters finished with double digit fantasy points. One of the three that did not was Tyler Lockett, who had a touchdown called back by a penalty and had another ball for a sure-thing touchdown land just out of reach on a play that injured Russell Wilson.
“What could have been, man,” Lockett said after the Seahawks 26-17 loss to the Rams. “We could have scored 220, 230! <Expletive>! We should be 4-1, not 2-3! Whatever. We showed what we can do. Ain’t nobody wants to play us in the playoffs. Just gotta get there.”
The Fighting Mongooses are currently 7th in the Kevin Ware Memorial League standings, the first team out of a playoff spot. They will face 800degressinthecaribbeansea (3-2) next week.
The Fighting Mongooses JV team improved to 2-3 win a 291.80 – 202.10 win over PSUBurnsy.
“200 fantasy points in this league is like 90 fantasy points in standard leagues,” Ryan Tannehill said.
“Y’all just witness that?” Jackson said after the Ravens’ 31-25 overtime win over the Colts. “You just saw the potential of the Fighting Mongooses! When me and Josh (Allen) get going like that, <expletive>! That <expletive> is exciting! We two of the best fantasy QB’s in fantasy and reality! <Expletive>! Josh already won us the match-up. I didn’t have to do anything on Monday. So, I didn’t, but at half I just felt like scoring a <expletive> ton of fantasy points. So, I did, and we <expletive> put up 200!”
The 200.28 fantasy points is the most scored by the franchise since a 206.98 – 121.90 win over Lafferty Daniel in Week 4 of the 2018 season.
“I remember that win over Lafferty Daniel,” Allen said. “Jared Goff, Kirk Cousins. I think they played each other on a Thursday night. It was over before it started. That was my rookie year with the Canadian Tuxedoes. Won a <expletive> title, but I didn’t play. My first career match-up was actually against the Fighting Mongooses in the regular season. I think Mitch Trubisky had a bye. He was good then. I rode the Tuxedo bench when we won that epic match-up with the Mongooses in the championship. Three years later, it's my second year starting for the Gooses. Full circle. Life’s good, man. Life’s good.”
Allen turned to leave, but then called back the reporters.
“Don’t look at my old tweets from high school. Seriously. I saw what happened to Jon Gruden. Please, just don’t. OK? Thanks.”
The Las Vegas defense and Josh Jacobs combined for 18.70 fantasy points, despite the controversy surrounding Jon Gruden. Jacobs and Carl Nassib called a press conference after Gruden’s resignation.
“Carl (Nassib) and I stand here as a gay man and a black man,” Jacobs read from a prepared statement. “Football brings together men of all walks of life and we are deeply saddened by the report that our former head coach is a racist, homophobic, <expletive>-hole. That said, we saw this coming.”
“When I first came out, I received unbelievable support from my friends, family, and the league,” Nassib continued. “Coach Gruden just sent me an email saying ‘I’m proud of you. Go celebrate at a gay bar and blow your boyfriend or whatever you <expletives> do. See you in camp!’”
“When I asked coach Gruden why we threw the ball so much with Derek (Carr) instead of running it with me, he just emailed me back,” Jacobs explained. “It said ‘Why would I give the rock to a <expletive> <expletive> when Derek can receive his rightful glory? White Power!’”
“When I got to camp, there was a note on my locker from coach Gruden,” Nassib added. “All it said was ‘So you’re not tempted by your teammates,’ and there was a dildo in my locker.”
“I had the opportunity to open up to coach Gruden about the difficult time in my life when I was homeless,” Jacobs continued. “He just said, ‘yeah, well you <expletives> are used to that, right? If you ain’t playing sports, you’re useless to society. White Power!”
“So, yes. We saw this coming,” Nassib and Jacobs concluded in unison.
Eight of the eleven Fighting Mongooses starters finished with double digit fantasy points. One of the three that did not was Tyler Lockett, who had a touchdown called back by a penalty and had another ball for a sure-thing touchdown land just out of reach on a play that injured Russell Wilson.
“What could have been, man,” Lockett said after the Seahawks 26-17 loss to the Rams. “We could have scored 220, 230! <Expletive>! We should be 4-1, not 2-3! Whatever. We showed what we can do. Ain’t nobody wants to play us in the playoffs. Just gotta get there.”
The Fighting Mongooses are currently 7th in the Kevin Ware Memorial League standings, the first team out of a playoff spot. They will face 800degressinthecaribbeansea (3-2) next week.
The Fighting Mongooses JV team improved to 2-3 win a 291.80 – 202.10 win over PSUBurnsy.
“200 fantasy points in this league is like 90 fantasy points in standard leagues,” Ryan Tannehill said.
fighting mongooses don't quit, fight, prevail
against canadian tuxedos
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/download.jpg?1633583133)
DENVER, Colorado – Lamar Jackson scored a match-up-high 23.44 fantasy points, Josh Allen added a second-best 20.02 fantasy points, and the Fighting Mongooses (1-3) finally won their first match-up of the season, defeating Canadian Tuxedos (1-3) 116.36 – 105.10.
“This is my second year here and if there’s one thing I know about Mongooses it’s that we never quit,” Allen said after the Bills’ 40-0 win over the Texans. “We fight. Finally, we prevailed. This is a <expletive> good team. They say ‘you are what your record says you are. Who said that? Bill Parcells? <Expletive> him! The Giants are 1-3. The Jets are 1-3. The Eagles are 1-3. We’re <expletive> better than 1-3. Y’all just opened Pandora’s Box. The Gooses are loose. You thought we were dead? Well if we were, we <expletive> rose from the ashes today – like a <expletive> phoenix! Like Kevin Ware! He’s alive! Our league’s namesake! He’s <expletive> alive!”
The Fighting Mongooses took the lead on Sunday Night Football, thanks to a 14.00 fantasy point performance by Ryan Succop, his first double-digit fantasy point performance of the season. With Josh Jacobs questionable on Monday Night Football and the Canadian Tuxedos done for the match-up, it was up to Succop to potentially win the match-up.
“I really thought I <expletive>’d everything up when I missed that one field goal,” Succop said after the Buccaneers’ 19-17 win over the Patriots. “I was like, ‘<expletive>! Ryan Succop! Why you gotta suck it up?’ But then Tom Brady came up to me. You know what he said? He said ‘Ryan, this is the most meaningless game of my career, just another day, a mundane game on the schedule that no one has circled or cares about for any reason, but if you’re the reason the Fighting Mongooses drop to 0-4, I’ll <expletive> kill you!’ You know what? That’s what I needed to hear. Went out there and hit three more field goals, even won the game for the Bucs unintentionally. How about that?”
The win was not without controversy. On the final play in the Ravens’ 23-7 win over the Broncos, Jackson ran for a five yard gain instead of taking a knee. After the game, Broncos Coach Vic Fangio called the play “bull-<expletive>,” assuming the Ravens ran a play to tie the record for consecutive 100-yard rushing games; however, Jackson cleared the record.
“I don’t give a <expletive> about no 100-yard rushing streak for the team,” Jackson said. “Y’all know why we ran a play? Fantasy points. We was gonna kneel, but I said, ‘<expletive> that <expletive>! That half a point could be the difference this week, in a tie-breaker down the road. You never know!’ Fangio can cry all the way home to Dunmore, Pennsylvania.”
For the first time this season, the Fighting Mongooses outscored their opponent in starting defense. The Washington Football Team scored 6.00 fantasy points, while the Saints defense managed just 1.00 fantasy points for the Canadian Tuxedos. Still, the Washington Football Team gave up 30 points against the Falcons.
“As the Washington Defensive End for the Washington Football Team, I feel we could have done more against the Atlanta Football Team,” Chase Young said after the Washington Football Team’s 34-30 win over the Falcons. “Perhaps the Atlanta Football Team is more formidable than National Football League Fans realize. Luckily for us, the New Orleans Defense struggled as well, but do not blame The New Orleans Football Team. We went up against the New York (NFC) Football Team just a couple of weeks ago. One does not simply stop the New York (NFC) Quarterback. It’s not like he’s prone to turnovers. I look forward to proving our worth to ownersh-.”
The Washington Football Team has been dropped.
The Fighting Mongooses JV (1-3) suffered a heartbreaking 250.75 – 249.00 loss to GMEN (3-1).
“1-3 seems a lot more irrelevant here,” Derek Carr said.
The Fighting Mongooses will look to build on this momentum against Favre’s Dong Shots (1-3).
“This is my second year here and if there’s one thing I know about Mongooses it’s that we never quit,” Allen said after the Bills’ 40-0 win over the Texans. “We fight. Finally, we prevailed. This is a <expletive> good team. They say ‘you are what your record says you are. Who said that? Bill Parcells? <Expletive> him! The Giants are 1-3. The Jets are 1-3. The Eagles are 1-3. We’re <expletive> better than 1-3. Y’all just opened Pandora’s Box. The Gooses are loose. You thought we were dead? Well if we were, we <expletive> rose from the ashes today – like a <expletive> phoenix! Like Kevin Ware! He’s alive! Our league’s namesake! He’s <expletive> alive!”
The Fighting Mongooses took the lead on Sunday Night Football, thanks to a 14.00 fantasy point performance by Ryan Succop, his first double-digit fantasy point performance of the season. With Josh Jacobs questionable on Monday Night Football and the Canadian Tuxedos done for the match-up, it was up to Succop to potentially win the match-up.
“I really thought I <expletive>’d everything up when I missed that one field goal,” Succop said after the Buccaneers’ 19-17 win over the Patriots. “I was like, ‘<expletive>! Ryan Succop! Why you gotta suck it up?’ But then Tom Brady came up to me. You know what he said? He said ‘Ryan, this is the most meaningless game of my career, just another day, a mundane game on the schedule that no one has circled or cares about for any reason, but if you’re the reason the Fighting Mongooses drop to 0-4, I’ll <expletive> kill you!’ You know what? That’s what I needed to hear. Went out there and hit three more field goals, even won the game for the Bucs unintentionally. How about that?”
The win was not without controversy. On the final play in the Ravens’ 23-7 win over the Broncos, Jackson ran for a five yard gain instead of taking a knee. After the game, Broncos Coach Vic Fangio called the play “bull-<expletive>,” assuming the Ravens ran a play to tie the record for consecutive 100-yard rushing games; however, Jackson cleared the record.
“I don’t give a <expletive> about no 100-yard rushing streak for the team,” Jackson said. “Y’all know why we ran a play? Fantasy points. We was gonna kneel, but I said, ‘<expletive> that <expletive>! That half a point could be the difference this week, in a tie-breaker down the road. You never know!’ Fangio can cry all the way home to Dunmore, Pennsylvania.”
For the first time this season, the Fighting Mongooses outscored their opponent in starting defense. The Washington Football Team scored 6.00 fantasy points, while the Saints defense managed just 1.00 fantasy points for the Canadian Tuxedos. Still, the Washington Football Team gave up 30 points against the Falcons.
“As the Washington Defensive End for the Washington Football Team, I feel we could have done more against the Atlanta Football Team,” Chase Young said after the Washington Football Team’s 34-30 win over the Falcons. “Perhaps the Atlanta Football Team is more formidable than National Football League Fans realize. Luckily for us, the New Orleans Defense struggled as well, but do not blame The New Orleans Football Team. We went up against the New York (NFC) Football Team just a couple of weeks ago. One does not simply stop the New York (NFC) Quarterback. It’s not like he’s prone to turnovers. I look forward to proving our worth to ownersh-.”
The Washington Football Team has been dropped.
The Fighting Mongooses JV (1-3) suffered a heartbreaking 250.75 – 249.00 loss to GMEN (3-1).
“1-3 seems a lot more irrelevant here,” Derek Carr said.
The Fighting Mongooses will look to build on this momentum against Favre’s Dong Shots (1-3).
down week against blainesrealamericans
dooms mongooses to 0-3
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/ixbjvh52trtxlcggjtqm.jpg?1632937722)
BUFFALO, New York – Josh Allen scored a match-up-high 37.22 fantasy points, but the Fighting Mongooses (0-3) lost their third straight match-up to start the season, falling to BlainesRealAmericans (3-0) 157.74 – 104.00. Despite the down week, the Fighting Mongooses are still the 4th-highest scoring team in the league, yet they sit in 11th place at 0-3, leading the league in Points Against.
“Look. I didn’t show up the last two weeks. That’s on me,” Allen said after the Bills’ 43-21 win over the Washington Football Team. “If I didn’t <expletive> the bed, we would have been 2-0 coming into this week, but I finally do what I’m supposed to do and everyone else just goes M.I.A.? What the <expletive>? I was looking around at DeAndre (Hopkins) and Tyler (Locket) like what the <expletive> happened to those huge totals?”
Allen and Lamar Jackson (19.28 fantasy points) were the only two Mongooses to finish in double digit fantasy points this week. Jackson and the Mongooses could have had a much bigger day, as fantasy teammate Marquise Brown dropped three touchdown passes.
“I’m just dumbfounded,” Brown said after managing just 5.30 fantasy points in the Ravens’ 19-17 win over the Lions. “I had those touchdowns in my hands – and those are double touchdowns for us, me and Lamar (Jackson). I guess it works out for my movie. I mean that ending with Justin Tucker is movie gold! Hollywood gold! But it shouldn’t have come to that. I dropped three scores. I had my gloves on. Even had our trainer put some extra sticky stuff on them. Here he is now.”
“Here are your gloves, Marquise,” said the Fighting Mongooses trainer, who in reality was Blaine Gabbert wearing a fake moustache and a nametag that read Glaine Babbert: Trainer. Yeah, that’s right. Trainer. “I buttered them up for you again – I mean, lathered them up with that sticky stuff you wanted!”
“Thanks, Glaine,” Brown said.
“No problem,” Babbert responded, leaving the facility. “Best of luck! Don’t let anyone tell you that you have butter fingers. Do it… for America! Gullible <expletive>!”
“Great help here,” Brown said.
With both starting running backs injured, the Mongooses turned to Sony Michel and Trey Sermon. The backs recorded a respectable 17.30 fantasy points, but in their first start for the team, the Las Vegas defense managed just 4.00 fantasy points. Through three weeks, Fighting Mongooses defenses (Washington and Las Vegas) are being out-scored by opposing defenses 59.00 – 13.00.
“So it was that blocked punt touchdown from the Steelers week one against Jonathan Taylor Tailback, that 4 pick day from New England last week against The Robot Unicorn, and now a 9-sack, 47-yard allowed shutout from Cleveland this week against BlainesRealAmericans?” Carl Nassib asked? “<Expletive>! We are cursed! I don’t care how much better we play. That <expletive> is unreal. <Expletive> fantasy football! What? You were expecting a gay joke? <Expletive> you!”
The Fighting Mongooses will look to reverse their curse and pick up their first win of the fantasy season next week against Canadian Tuxedos (1-2).
The Fighting Mongooses JV team fell to 1-2 with a 352.65 – 301.15 loss to 16 Steelers.
“I’ve let the team down,” Christian McCaffery said. “That said, there are too many fantasy points. I can’t follow this <expletive>.”
“Look. I didn’t show up the last two weeks. That’s on me,” Allen said after the Bills’ 43-21 win over the Washington Football Team. “If I didn’t <expletive> the bed, we would have been 2-0 coming into this week, but I finally do what I’m supposed to do and everyone else just goes M.I.A.? What the <expletive>? I was looking around at DeAndre (Hopkins) and Tyler (Locket) like what the <expletive> happened to those huge totals?”
Allen and Lamar Jackson (19.28 fantasy points) were the only two Mongooses to finish in double digit fantasy points this week. Jackson and the Mongooses could have had a much bigger day, as fantasy teammate Marquise Brown dropped three touchdown passes.
“I’m just dumbfounded,” Brown said after managing just 5.30 fantasy points in the Ravens’ 19-17 win over the Lions. “I had those touchdowns in my hands – and those are double touchdowns for us, me and Lamar (Jackson). I guess it works out for my movie. I mean that ending with Justin Tucker is movie gold! Hollywood gold! But it shouldn’t have come to that. I dropped three scores. I had my gloves on. Even had our trainer put some extra sticky stuff on them. Here he is now.”
“Here are your gloves, Marquise,” said the Fighting Mongooses trainer, who in reality was Blaine Gabbert wearing a fake moustache and a nametag that read Glaine Babbert: Trainer. Yeah, that’s right. Trainer. “I buttered them up for you again – I mean, lathered them up with that sticky stuff you wanted!”
“Thanks, Glaine,” Brown said.
“No problem,” Babbert responded, leaving the facility. “Best of luck! Don’t let anyone tell you that you have butter fingers. Do it… for America! Gullible <expletive>!”
“Great help here,” Brown said.
With both starting running backs injured, the Mongooses turned to Sony Michel and Trey Sermon. The backs recorded a respectable 17.30 fantasy points, but in their first start for the team, the Las Vegas defense managed just 4.00 fantasy points. Through three weeks, Fighting Mongooses defenses (Washington and Las Vegas) are being out-scored by opposing defenses 59.00 – 13.00.
“So it was that blocked punt touchdown from the Steelers week one against Jonathan Taylor Tailback, that 4 pick day from New England last week against The Robot Unicorn, and now a 9-sack, 47-yard allowed shutout from Cleveland this week against BlainesRealAmericans?” Carl Nassib asked? “<Expletive>! We are cursed! I don’t care how much better we play. That <expletive> is unreal. <Expletive> fantasy football! What? You were expecting a gay joke? <Expletive> you!”
The Fighting Mongooses will look to reverse their curse and pick up their first win of the fantasy season next week against Canadian Tuxedos (1-2).
The Fighting Mongooses JV team fell to 1-2 with a 352.65 – 301.15 loss to 16 Steelers.
“I’ve let the team down,” Christian McCaffery said. “That said, there are too many fantasy points. I can’t follow this <expletive>.”
mongooses season flipped upside down
after second-straight last-second loss
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/usp-nfl-kansas-city-chiefs-at-baltimore-ravens-1.jpg?1632248598)
BALTIMORE – Lamar Jackson scored a match-up high 36.26 fantasy points, Tyler Locket added 27.80 fantasy points, but for the second straight week, the Fighting Mongooses (0-2) lost the lead on Monday Night Football, falling to The Robot Unicorn (2-0) 160.76 – 158.02 .
Jackson and Marquise Brown combined for 57.56 fantasy points on Sunday Night Football to give the Mongooses an 8.46 fantasy point lead, but Robert Tonyan’s 11.20 fantasy point performance doomed the team on Monday Night Football.
“That’s some flat out bull <expletive>,” Jackson said after the Ravens’ 36-35 win over the Chiefs. “We the team that never quits. We the team that fights. That’s what me and Hollywood did. We put this time on our backs. Why didn’t we prevail? Do robot unicorns fight, as well? Seriously, I don’t <expletive> know. How are they built? They programed like Mongooses? They run on Mongoose blood instead of oil? Can you just flip a switch the way I flipped into the endzone? Well this <expletive> match-up got flipped upside down.”
“I mean, first last week, then this?” Brown asked after his 21.30 fantasy point performance. “It was all set. It was like a movie, like a Hollywood movie. I’m the star. We come roaring back to win. I could have seen it. My name up in lights. Fighting Mongooses: The Hollywood Brown Story. Red Carpet, Oscars, and then it’s like a <expletive> nightmare. That Unicorn tight end ruined my movie. My movie. Hollywood’s Hollywood moment. That <expletive> guy?”
The heartbreaking loss was the Fighting Mongooses’ second last-second loss in two weeks. The team lost to Jonathan Taylor Tailback 135.90 – 134.90 last week after having the lead in overtime on Monday Night Football. As a result, the Fighting Mongooses are 0-2 with a combined margin of defeat of just 2.74 fantasy points. The Mongooses are the 3rd highest scoring team in the Kevin Ware Memorial League, yet are 10th in the standings.
“We have got to be the best 0-2 team in Kevin Ware Memorial League history,” Locket said after the Seahawks’ 33-30 overtime loss to the Titans. “Seriously, we should be <expletive> 2-0. <Expletive>! If the schedule was reversed and we played The Robot Unicorn last week and Jonathan Taylor Tailback this week, we win both easy and we ain’t even having this <expletive> conversation! Who ain’t pulling their weight? It ain’t us wide outs. We ballin’! Marvin Jones Jr. even scored a touchdown! It’s that other Jones, Ronald Jones II. He still in that doghouse? Does that <expletive> even know what a touchdown is?”
Marvin Jones Jr. pulled out a rotary telephone and dialed a phone number. Moments later, Ronald Jones II’s phone rang. He answered.
“Hello?” he asked.
“Ronald, it’s Marvin,” Jones Jr. said. “Your cousin, Marvin Jones! You know that new sound you’ve been looking for? That roar of the crowd after scoring a touchdown? Well, listen to this!”
Jones Jr. played a clip of his touchdown in the Jaguars’ 23-13 loss to the Broncos.
“Dude, I’m standing right here,” Jones II said, from the locker next to Jones Jr.
“Great Scott!” Jones Jr. exclaimed.
The Fighting Mongooses will hope to continue their success, while finding some better luck next week against BlainesRealAmericans (2-0).
In a new development, the Fighting Mongooses are fielding a junior varsity team this year, taking part in the Bumble Bee Boys League inside the WNEP-TV newsroom in Pennsylvania. In the most ridiculously set up point system, the Fighting Mongooses JV (1-1) defeated Lake Frogs (1-1) 389.80 – 330.05 behind 89.00 fantasy points from Derek Carr.
“Wait, I thought I’m on The Robot Unicorn and beat the Fighting Mongooses, my old team, today,” Carr said. “I’m confused. How can I be on The Robot Unicorn and The Fighting Mongooses JV? Wait, how many fantasy leagues are there? Is this… the multiverse? Am I Spiderman?!”
Carr jumped off a building and attempted to shoot a web, hoping to swing across to another building. He fell. He is questionable in Week 3.
Jackson and Marquise Brown combined for 57.56 fantasy points on Sunday Night Football to give the Mongooses an 8.46 fantasy point lead, but Robert Tonyan’s 11.20 fantasy point performance doomed the team on Monday Night Football.
“That’s some flat out bull <expletive>,” Jackson said after the Ravens’ 36-35 win over the Chiefs. “We the team that never quits. We the team that fights. That’s what me and Hollywood did. We put this time on our backs. Why didn’t we prevail? Do robot unicorns fight, as well? Seriously, I don’t <expletive> know. How are they built? They programed like Mongooses? They run on Mongoose blood instead of oil? Can you just flip a switch the way I flipped into the endzone? Well this <expletive> match-up got flipped upside down.”
“I mean, first last week, then this?” Brown asked after his 21.30 fantasy point performance. “It was all set. It was like a movie, like a Hollywood movie. I’m the star. We come roaring back to win. I could have seen it. My name up in lights. Fighting Mongooses: The Hollywood Brown Story. Red Carpet, Oscars, and then it’s like a <expletive> nightmare. That Unicorn tight end ruined my movie. My movie. Hollywood’s Hollywood moment. That <expletive> guy?”
The heartbreaking loss was the Fighting Mongooses’ second last-second loss in two weeks. The team lost to Jonathan Taylor Tailback 135.90 – 134.90 last week after having the lead in overtime on Monday Night Football. As a result, the Fighting Mongooses are 0-2 with a combined margin of defeat of just 2.74 fantasy points. The Mongooses are the 3rd highest scoring team in the Kevin Ware Memorial League, yet are 10th in the standings.
“We have got to be the best 0-2 team in Kevin Ware Memorial League history,” Locket said after the Seahawks’ 33-30 overtime loss to the Titans. “Seriously, we should be <expletive> 2-0. <Expletive>! If the schedule was reversed and we played The Robot Unicorn last week and Jonathan Taylor Tailback this week, we win both easy and we ain’t even having this <expletive> conversation! Who ain’t pulling their weight? It ain’t us wide outs. We ballin’! Marvin Jones Jr. even scored a touchdown! It’s that other Jones, Ronald Jones II. He still in that doghouse? Does that <expletive> even know what a touchdown is?”
Marvin Jones Jr. pulled out a rotary telephone and dialed a phone number. Moments later, Ronald Jones II’s phone rang. He answered.
“Hello?” he asked.
“Ronald, it’s Marvin,” Jones Jr. said. “Your cousin, Marvin Jones! You know that new sound you’ve been looking for? That roar of the crowd after scoring a touchdown? Well, listen to this!”
Jones Jr. played a clip of his touchdown in the Jaguars’ 23-13 loss to the Broncos.
“Dude, I’m standing right here,” Jones II said, from the locker next to Jones Jr.
“Great Scott!” Jones Jr. exclaimed.
The Fighting Mongooses will hope to continue their success, while finding some better luck next week against BlainesRealAmericans (2-0).
In a new development, the Fighting Mongooses are fielding a junior varsity team this year, taking part in the Bumble Bee Boys League inside the WNEP-TV newsroom in Pennsylvania. In the most ridiculously set up point system, the Fighting Mongooses JV (1-1) defeated Lake Frogs (1-1) 389.80 – 330.05 behind 89.00 fantasy points from Derek Carr.
“Wait, I thought I’m on The Robot Unicorn and beat the Fighting Mongooses, my old team, today,” Carr said. “I’m confused. How can I be on The Robot Unicorn and The Fighting Mongooses JV? Wait, how many fantasy leagues are there? Is this… the multiverse? Am I Spiderman?!”
Carr jumped off a building and attempted to shoot a web, hoping to swing across to another building. He fell. He is questionable in Week 3.
sin city become heartbreak city
for fighting mongooses in season debut
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/template.jpg?1631762175)
LAS VEGAS, Nev. – Tyler Lockett scored a team-high 26.00 fantasy points, but needing exactly 35 fantasy points to tie the match-up on Monday night, Lamar Jackson and Josh Jacobs combined to score exactly 34 fantasy points, and the Fighting Mongooses (0-1) found a way to lose in spectacular fashion, falling to Jonathan Taylor Tailback (1-0) 135.90 – 134.90.
The Fighting Mongooses pulled ahead late in regulation in the Raiders’ 33-27 overtime win over the Ravens on Monday Night Football. Had the game not gone into overtime, the fantasy team would have won, but a game-tying field goal forced overtime, a potential game-winning touchdown was called back and a turnover gave Jackson the opportunity to do the one thing he could not do: turn the ball over. The -2 fantasy point penalty cost the Mongooses the lead and the win.
“I was like ‘don’t fumble. Don’t fumble. Don’t fumble. Don’t fumble <Expletive>! I fumbled,’” Jackson said. “I mean, I was shaking hands. I thought the game was over. Ravens lose, but Mongooses win. All good, right? But nah, game on. Listen. I <expletive>’d up this week. That simple. I just pissed cuz I tryin’ to get paid. Tryin’ to get that $500M fantasy fun buck contract. Just gotta ball out. My agent will take care of the rest. Right, ma? She’s the best.”
“Did that <expletive> seriously just <expletive> happen?” Jacobs added. “I mean, I was playing through injury. I was sick. I came out and gave this team everything I <expletive> had. Two touchdowns. It was either me or Hollywood (Marquise Brown). Thought two touchdowns was enough. <Expletive>! We were ahead! If I knew Lamar (Jackson) was gonna <expletive> fumble, I would have just grabbed the ball from Derek Carr in overtime and scored a third. <Expletive>!”
“<Expletive> Russell Wilson!” Lockett added after the Seahawks 28-16 win over the Colts. “I was having a blast catching those touchdowns until I realized Russ is playing for Jonathan Taylor Tailback this year. Jonathan Taylor Tailback? <Expletive> that <expletive>! Does anybody even watch Home Improvement? Does anybody even <expletive> care about Home Improvement? Well, we are in Indianapolis, home of ‘Good Bones.’ You ever watch Mina and Karen? They got this home improvement thing down to a science. I love that show. I rescind my complaint. I like home improvement.”
The fantasy match-up started the way it ended, with a Fighting Mongoose fumbling. Ronald Jones II ran for just 14 yards before fumbling. He was subsequently benched by Buccaneers coach Bruce Arians, finishing with -0.60 fantasy points.
“It was bad enough getting benched, but it sucks being in coach’s doghouse,” Jones II said after the Buccaneers’ 31-29 win over the Cowboys. “Seriously, there’s not a lot of room in there. Coach Arians has like five dogs, and there’s not a lot of elbow room. I gotta fight for food. It smells. Dog farts. So many dog farts. It’s just bad. Had to sleep on the roof like Snoopy last night. It rained. It’s Florida. It always rains. I hope I’m allowed back into the house soon. There’s plenty of space in Raymond James Stadium. I think Tom (Brady) decides that. Tom decides everything around here.”
Adding insult to injury, the Mongooses also suffered two significant injuries in week 1, losing wide receivers Jerry Jeudy and Michael Gallup to the injured reserve.
“How can Michael gallop with an injured calf?” Gallup asked. “Michael wants to gallop, but Michael cannot gallop. Michael is sad.”
“My ankle hurts,” Jeudy added.
The Fighting Mongooses will look to rebound from their heartbreaking loss next week against The Robot Unicorn (1-0).
The Fighting Mongooses pulled ahead late in regulation in the Raiders’ 33-27 overtime win over the Ravens on Monday Night Football. Had the game not gone into overtime, the fantasy team would have won, but a game-tying field goal forced overtime, a potential game-winning touchdown was called back and a turnover gave Jackson the opportunity to do the one thing he could not do: turn the ball over. The -2 fantasy point penalty cost the Mongooses the lead and the win.
“I was like ‘don’t fumble. Don’t fumble. Don’t fumble. Don’t fumble <Expletive>! I fumbled,’” Jackson said. “I mean, I was shaking hands. I thought the game was over. Ravens lose, but Mongooses win. All good, right? But nah, game on. Listen. I <expletive>’d up this week. That simple. I just pissed cuz I tryin’ to get paid. Tryin’ to get that $500M fantasy fun buck contract. Just gotta ball out. My agent will take care of the rest. Right, ma? She’s the best.”
“Did that <expletive> seriously just <expletive> happen?” Jacobs added. “I mean, I was playing through injury. I was sick. I came out and gave this team everything I <expletive> had. Two touchdowns. It was either me or Hollywood (Marquise Brown). Thought two touchdowns was enough. <Expletive>! We were ahead! If I knew Lamar (Jackson) was gonna <expletive> fumble, I would have just grabbed the ball from Derek Carr in overtime and scored a third. <Expletive>!”
“<Expletive> Russell Wilson!” Lockett added after the Seahawks 28-16 win over the Colts. “I was having a blast catching those touchdowns until I realized Russ is playing for Jonathan Taylor Tailback this year. Jonathan Taylor Tailback? <Expletive> that <expletive>! Does anybody even watch Home Improvement? Does anybody even <expletive> care about Home Improvement? Well, we are in Indianapolis, home of ‘Good Bones.’ You ever watch Mina and Karen? They got this home improvement thing down to a science. I love that show. I rescind my complaint. I like home improvement.”
The fantasy match-up started the way it ended, with a Fighting Mongoose fumbling. Ronald Jones II ran for just 14 yards before fumbling. He was subsequently benched by Buccaneers coach Bruce Arians, finishing with -0.60 fantasy points.
“It was bad enough getting benched, but it sucks being in coach’s doghouse,” Jones II said after the Buccaneers’ 31-29 win over the Cowboys. “Seriously, there’s not a lot of room in there. Coach Arians has like five dogs, and there’s not a lot of elbow room. I gotta fight for food. It smells. Dog farts. So many dog farts. It’s just bad. Had to sleep on the roof like Snoopy last night. It rained. It’s Florida. It always rains. I hope I’m allowed back into the house soon. There’s plenty of space in Raymond James Stadium. I think Tom (Brady) decides that. Tom decides everything around here.”
Adding insult to injury, the Mongooses also suffered two significant injuries in week 1, losing wide receivers Jerry Jeudy and Michael Gallup to the injured reserve.
“How can Michael gallop with an injured calf?” Gallup asked. “Michael wants to gallop, but Michael cannot gallop. Michael is sad.”
“My ankle hurts,” Jeudy added.
The Fighting Mongooses will look to rebound from their heartbreaking loss next week against The Robot Unicorn (1-0).
MONGOOSES CLOSE SEASON WITH CLOSE WIN;
FAIL TO PREVAIL INTO POSTSEASON
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SCRANTON, Pennsylvania (AFP) – Baker Mayfield scored a match-up-high 32.46 fantasy points, Josh Allen added 30.10 fantasy points and the Fighting Mongooses (6-7) ended their 2020 season with a 135.16 - 135.12 win over I Just Had Rex (8-5). Despite the victory, the Mongooses will not be going to the Kevin Ware Memorial League postseason.
"Nothing about this is fair," Mayfield said after the Browns' 41-35 win over the Titans. "We just blew out the team in first place, like destroyed them by what? Four yards? Why aren't we going to the postseason? We've scored more points this year than half the teams going to the playoffs. <Expletive> that <expletive>! In Cleveland, we expect to go to the playoffs every <expletive> year! Same in... Scranton? Is that where we're based?"
"I've been here a year and half," Allen said after the Bills' 34-24 win over the the 49ers. "Getting traded here was the best moment of my life. Getting drafted back here was the second best. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know this. I never <expletive> quit. I <expletive> fought. This team will prevail. Maybe not this year, but <expletive>, it's 2020. Nothing makes <expletive> sense."
Dalvin Cook added 17.90 fantasy points, Gabriel Davis added 12.80 fantasy points and DeAndre Hopkins added 11.20 fantasy points in the win.
"I feel like a failure," Hopkins said after the Cardinals' 38-28 loss to the Rams. "I was brought here to make a run at the championship, that title that bears the name of Kevin Ware. Sacred. I couldn't even help this team make the playoffs. Besides that Hail Mary, I've done nothing. <Expletive>! Amari (Cooper) scored just as much I one less game. It's my fault. I accept the consequences."
"Hopkins walked into the Fighting Mongooses QB room and nobody ever saw him again," Cook said, narrating Hopkins' final moments.
Instead of the postseason, the Fighting Mongooses now head to the consolation bracket, otherwise known as the who gives a <expletive> bracket.
"Who gives a <expletive>?" Damien Harris asked after the Patriots' 45-0 win over the Chargers.
"Nothing about this is fair," Mayfield said after the Browns' 41-35 win over the Titans. "We just blew out the team in first place, like destroyed them by what? Four yards? Why aren't we going to the postseason? We've scored more points this year than half the teams going to the playoffs. <Expletive> that <expletive>! In Cleveland, we expect to go to the playoffs every <expletive> year! Same in... Scranton? Is that where we're based?"
"I've been here a year and half," Allen said after the Bills' 34-24 win over the the 49ers. "Getting traded here was the best moment of my life. Getting drafted back here was the second best. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know this. I never <expletive> quit. I <expletive> fought. This team will prevail. Maybe not this year, but <expletive>, it's 2020. Nothing makes <expletive> sense."
Dalvin Cook added 17.90 fantasy points, Gabriel Davis added 12.80 fantasy points and DeAndre Hopkins added 11.20 fantasy points in the win.
"I feel like a failure," Hopkins said after the Cardinals' 38-28 loss to the Rams. "I was brought here to make a run at the championship, that title that bears the name of Kevin Ware. Sacred. I couldn't even help this team make the playoffs. Besides that Hail Mary, I've done nothing. <Expletive>! Amari (Cooper) scored just as much I one less game. It's my fault. I accept the consequences."
"Hopkins walked into the Fighting Mongooses QB room and nobody ever saw him again," Cook said, narrating Hopkins' final moments.
Instead of the postseason, the Fighting Mongooses now head to the consolation bracket, otherwise known as the who gives a <expletive> bracket.
"Who gives a <expletive>?" Damien Harris asked after the Patriots' 45-0 win over the Chargers.
THE CURSE RETURNS
MONGOOSES EMBARRASSED BY DONT DRAFT WRS EARLY
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SCRANTON, Pennsylvania (AFP) – Baker Mayfield scored a team-high 18.42 fantasy points, Josh Allen added 15.48 fantasy points, but the Fighting Mongooses (5-7) continued to underperform, falling to Dont Draft WRs Early (7-5) 110.12 – 60.52. With the loss, the Mongooses are officially eliminated from playoff contention in the Kevin Ware Memorial League.
“I heard rumors about a powerful curse over this franchise, but I thought they were just rumors. No, this <expletive> is real,” Mayfield said after the Browns 27-25 win over the Jaguars. “I’ve been here four weeks and it’s undeniable. Dropping a match-up you’re projected to win by 30 a couple weeks ago, losing on Monday night last week, and now this? This is a good team on paper, but fantasy isn’t won on paper. Oh, wait. I guess it is. <Expletive>!”
The Fighting Mongooses are now on a three-game losing streak, despite being projected to win all three weeks. In fact, the Mongooses were projected to win four of their seven losses this season.
“Kenny (Golladay), Joe (Mixon), now John (Brown)?” Allen said after the Bills’ 27-21 win over the Chargers. “Everyone I get close to dies. I told Gabriel Davis ‘if I were you, I’d run.’ Baker’s right. We really are cursed, but it’s on me. I’m the QB1. I take responsibility. Yes, the responsibility to blame this on an all-powerful and otherworldly curse. Not my fault. RIP Mongooses. We fought.”
The 60.52 fantasy point total was not just the lowest of the season, it was the lowest in franchise history, breaking the previous infamous mark of 63.32 fantasy points the team put up against I Just Had Rex in 2017.
“Well, I hope y’all are <expletive> happy,” Dalvin Cook said after scoring a season-low 6.20 fantasy points in the Vikings’ 28-27 win over the Panthers, his first single-digit fantasy point total of the year. “You finally did. It. You <expletive> broke me. Broken from trying to carry this <expletive> fantasy team all year! I <expletive> try so <expletive> hard. I’m a Mongoose. I do not quit. I fight. Not prevailing is inexcusable. <Expletive> this <expletive>!”
In a move that backfired wonderfully, the Fighting Mongooses started Kendall Hinton. Hinton started as an emergency quarterback for the Denver Broncos, but since he’s listed as a wide receiver, he played at wide receiver in fantasy, essentially giving the Mongooses a free, third quarterback. Hinton finished with -2.78 fantasy points.
“Look, I made that <expletive> up about playing quarterback in college,” Hinton said after the Broncos’ 31-3 loss to the Saints. “I’m sorry. I just put that <expletive> on my LinkedIn page to appear more appealing to teams. I never thought I would actually have to play the position! Truth is, I should not have put this team in that uncomfortable spot, almost an obligation to start me. I hereby resign from fantasy football effective immediately.”
Hinton was escorted into the Fighting Mongooses QB room by Drew Lock, dressed in black.
“I’m sorry I didn’t wear a mask,” Lock said. “I wish it didn’t have to end this way.”
The Fighting Mongooses will play a meaningless Week 13 match-up against I Just Had Rex (8-4).
“I heard rumors about a powerful curse over this franchise, but I thought they were just rumors. No, this <expletive> is real,” Mayfield said after the Browns 27-25 win over the Jaguars. “I’ve been here four weeks and it’s undeniable. Dropping a match-up you’re projected to win by 30 a couple weeks ago, losing on Monday night last week, and now this? This is a good team on paper, but fantasy isn’t won on paper. Oh, wait. I guess it is. <Expletive>!”
The Fighting Mongooses are now on a three-game losing streak, despite being projected to win all three weeks. In fact, the Mongooses were projected to win four of their seven losses this season.
“Kenny (Golladay), Joe (Mixon), now John (Brown)?” Allen said after the Bills’ 27-21 win over the Chargers. “Everyone I get close to dies. I told Gabriel Davis ‘if I were you, I’d run.’ Baker’s right. We really are cursed, but it’s on me. I’m the QB1. I take responsibility. Yes, the responsibility to blame this on an all-powerful and otherworldly curse. Not my fault. RIP Mongooses. We fought.”
The 60.52 fantasy point total was not just the lowest of the season, it was the lowest in franchise history, breaking the previous infamous mark of 63.32 fantasy points the team put up against I Just Had Rex in 2017.
“Well, I hope y’all are <expletive> happy,” Dalvin Cook said after scoring a season-low 6.20 fantasy points in the Vikings’ 28-27 win over the Panthers, his first single-digit fantasy point total of the year. “You finally did. It. You <expletive> broke me. Broken from trying to carry this <expletive> fantasy team all year! I <expletive> try so <expletive> hard. I’m a Mongoose. I do not quit. I fight. Not prevailing is inexcusable. <Expletive> this <expletive>!”
In a move that backfired wonderfully, the Fighting Mongooses started Kendall Hinton. Hinton started as an emergency quarterback for the Denver Broncos, but since he’s listed as a wide receiver, he played at wide receiver in fantasy, essentially giving the Mongooses a free, third quarterback. Hinton finished with -2.78 fantasy points.
“Look, I made that <expletive> up about playing quarterback in college,” Hinton said after the Broncos’ 31-3 loss to the Saints. “I’m sorry. I just put that <expletive> on my LinkedIn page to appear more appealing to teams. I never thought I would actually have to play the position! Truth is, I should not have put this team in that uncomfortable spot, almost an obligation to start me. I hereby resign from fantasy football effective immediately.”
Hinton was escorted into the Fighting Mongooses QB room by Drew Lock, dressed in black.
“I’m sorry I didn’t wear a mask,” Lock said. “I wish it didn’t have to end this way.”
The Fighting Mongooses will play a meaningless Week 13 match-up against I Just Had Rex (8-4).
MID-SEASON SLIDE CONTINUES
MONGOOSES FALL TO UNICORN ON MONDAY NIGH
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SCRANTON, Pennsylvania (AFP) – Dalvin Cook scored a match-up-high 20.00 fantasy points, Rodrigo Blankenship added 15.00 fantasy points, but the Fighting Mongooses (5-6) fell to The Robot Unicorn (5-6) 88.30 – 86.66, falling to 8th place in the Kevin Ware Memorial League with just two weeks to play.
“Well clearly, I’m not the problem. So I’ll blame everyone else,” Cook began to rant after the Vikings’ 31-28 loss to the Cowboys. “Let’s start with that fake Cook, that other Cook. See him around here anymore? Not after 1.60 combined fantasy points the last three weeks you don’t! I do have some fresh jambalaya on the stove, though. That was Jared’s favorite. Poor Jared. Then how about DeAndre (Hopkins)? We made that trade for him. Yeah, he had that one Hail Mary, but he hasn’t done <expletive> since! We 1-2 since that trade. Would have been 3-0 if we still had Derek (Carr) and Amari (Cooper)! That’s the difference between 3rd and 8th place! Hope those guys are enjoying Canada! Kenny (Golladay)! Joe (Mixon)! You <expletives> were supposed to be back by now! Like weeks ago! Baker (Mayfield)? Throw some <expletive> touchdowns for <expletives> sake, already! Not one for us yet! <Expletive>!”
Mayfield and Hopkins combined for just 12.16 points this week for the Fighting Mongooses in the loss.
“Look, I’m doing my best, but my house is literally falling apart,” Mayfield said after the Browns’ 22-17 win over the Eagles. “The ceiling is leaking. Last week, the AC was on the fritz, just blowing on high all day. Do you have any idea what home insurance costs for a stadium? I’m sorry I’m not Derek <expletive> Carr, OK? Him and his fancy new house in Las Vegas. This is Cleveland. Cleveland.”
The Fighting Mongooses entered Monday Night Football with a 9.26 fantasy point lead, but Mike Evans scored 10.90 fantasy points in the Buccaneers’ 27-24 loss to the Rams, handing the Mongooses a frustrating 1.64 fantasy point loss.
“Golden opportunity wasted,” Damien Harris added, after scoring 11.40 fantasy points in the Patriots’ 27-20 loss to the Texans. “Gotta tip your cap to Mike (Evans). Dude made a play for the touchdown and beat us by 17 yards. At least we have a chance. 8th place, but we got two weeks left to move up those standings. Mongooses never quit. Mongooses will fight. Mongooses will prevail! Hopefully. Eventually. Right?”
“I blame myself,” Blankenship said after hitting the game-winning field goal in the Colts’ 34-31 overtime win over the Packers. “If I hadn’t doinked that 50-yarder, we would have won. It’s my fault. At least, that’s what Dalvin (Cook) said. After we lost, he grabbed my glasses, threw them on the ground and stomped on them. If that wasn’t enough, he flew Uga out here just to pee on the broken glass. I love those glasses, and that dog.”
The Fighting Mongooses take on Dont Draft WRs Early (6-5) in Week 12.
“Well clearly, I’m not the problem. So I’ll blame everyone else,” Cook began to rant after the Vikings’ 31-28 loss to the Cowboys. “Let’s start with that fake Cook, that other Cook. See him around here anymore? Not after 1.60 combined fantasy points the last three weeks you don’t! I do have some fresh jambalaya on the stove, though. That was Jared’s favorite. Poor Jared. Then how about DeAndre (Hopkins)? We made that trade for him. Yeah, he had that one Hail Mary, but he hasn’t done <expletive> since! We 1-2 since that trade. Would have been 3-0 if we still had Derek (Carr) and Amari (Cooper)! That’s the difference between 3rd and 8th place! Hope those guys are enjoying Canada! Kenny (Golladay)! Joe (Mixon)! You <expletives> were supposed to be back by now! Like weeks ago! Baker (Mayfield)? Throw some <expletive> touchdowns for <expletives> sake, already! Not one for us yet! <Expletive>!”
Mayfield and Hopkins combined for just 12.16 points this week for the Fighting Mongooses in the loss.
“Look, I’m doing my best, but my house is literally falling apart,” Mayfield said after the Browns’ 22-17 win over the Eagles. “The ceiling is leaking. Last week, the AC was on the fritz, just blowing on high all day. Do you have any idea what home insurance costs for a stadium? I’m sorry I’m not Derek <expletive> Carr, OK? Him and his fancy new house in Las Vegas. This is Cleveland. Cleveland.”
The Fighting Mongooses entered Monday Night Football with a 9.26 fantasy point lead, but Mike Evans scored 10.90 fantasy points in the Buccaneers’ 27-24 loss to the Rams, handing the Mongooses a frustrating 1.64 fantasy point loss.
“Golden opportunity wasted,” Damien Harris added, after scoring 11.40 fantasy points in the Patriots’ 27-20 loss to the Texans. “Gotta tip your cap to Mike (Evans). Dude made a play for the touchdown and beat us by 17 yards. At least we have a chance. 8th place, but we got two weeks left to move up those standings. Mongooses never quit. Mongooses will fight. Mongooses will prevail! Hopefully. Eventually. Right?”
“I blame myself,” Blankenship said after hitting the game-winning field goal in the Colts’ 34-31 overtime win over the Packers. “If I hadn’t doinked that 50-yarder, we would have won. It’s my fault. At least, that’s what Dalvin (Cook) said. After we lost, he grabbed my glasses, threw them on the ground and stomped on them. If that wasn’t enough, he flew Uga out here just to pee on the broken glass. I love those glasses, and that dog.”
The Fighting Mongooses take on Dont Draft WRs Early (6-5) in Week 12.
HOPKINS SHOWS OFF HOPS
MONGOOSES FAIL TO SOCIAL DISTANCE IN LOSS TO #6 FEET APART
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Scranton, Pennsylvania (AFP) – DeAndre Hopkins scored 22.70 fantasy points and had his first of many signature moments as a Fighting Mongoose with a Hail Mary touchdown reception, but as a team, the Fighting Mongooses (5-5) came up short with a disappointing loss to #6 Feet Apart (2-8) 109.52 – 99.14.
“While that ball was in the air, I just kept telling myself ‘Mongooses never quit!’” Hopkins said after the Cardinals’ 32-30 win over the Bills. “People ask me ‘Why now?’ Why? ‘Cause I’ve never been a <expletive> Mongooses before! I can’t quit. Literally. Not ever! I’m just pissed there were three defenders near me. It’s like, ‘guys, pandemic. Six feet. Get off me.’ Didn’t matter. That ball was mine and that’s just the beginning. Nuk ain’t no Canadian! Y’all about to see my real potential now. Mongooses never quit! Mongooses will fight! Mongooses will prevail! Well, except today.”
In that same game, Josh Allen added a match-up-high 26.36 fantasy points.
“I was just so happy,” Allen said to the Buffalo local media. “I threw that late touchdown, but I knew we needed more. I threw a couple picks. I heard Drew (Lock) threw four! What a <expletive> jerk! To See Nuk come down with that football, it was like a wave of euphoria. Knew we had a chance to win at that point. Just wish it panned out differently.”
After the Hail Mary, the Fighting Mongooses were favored to win going into the final two games of the week, but the Baltimore defense scored just a single fantasy point in their 23-17 loss to the Patriots, while Jakobi Meyers scored 10.86 fantasy points for #6 Feet Apart. After scoring 91.80 fantasy points the last two weeks, Dalvin Cook had the chance to be the hero again on Monday Night Football, but he only managed 11.20 fantasy points.
“Despite popular belief, I am not Superman,” Cook said after the Vikings’ 19-13 win over the Bears. “I put this fantasy team on my back these last few weeks. That ain’t gonna work forever and this week is proof. No Joe (Mixon). No Kenny (Golladay), but come on!”
Cook angrily turned to the two injured Mongooses.
“You guys gotta get your <expletives> back on this fantasy field and produce. <Expletive>!”
Cook made a weapon out of an actual Viking helmet and hurled it towards his two teammates. Mixon dodged the blow, but the weapon hit Golladay in the head, causing a fatal wound.
“Oh my God!” Mixon yelled at Cook. “You killed Kenny!”
“You bastard!” Giovani Bernard yelled.
“Don’t worry,” Cook said. “I’m Superman. I can fix this.”
Golladay remains questionable. In his absence, Curtis Samuel scored just 1.20 fantasy points in his Fighting Mongooses debut, after reaching double-digit fantasy points in each of the last three weeks. Samuel started as a fourth wide receiver due to the injury to Damien Harris, who played Sunday night despite his questionable status.
“The only questionable thing about me is why I was on the bench?” Harris asked after the Patriots’ 23-17 win over the Ravens. “This is not OK. We were projected to win this week by over 30 and we lost? We <expletive> lost? Not saying things would have been different if I played, but things would have been different if I played. 12.10 fantasy points. You put me in that flex and put Jerry (Jeudy) back at wide receiver instead of this newbie, (Curtis) Samuel, we win. Barely, but still. That’s the difference between 4th and 7th place. Gotta bounce back. Got to!”
The Fighting Mongooses will look to do just that, next week against The Robot Unicorn (4-6).
“While that ball was in the air, I just kept telling myself ‘Mongooses never quit!’” Hopkins said after the Cardinals’ 32-30 win over the Bills. “People ask me ‘Why now?’ Why? ‘Cause I’ve never been a <expletive> Mongooses before! I can’t quit. Literally. Not ever! I’m just pissed there were three defenders near me. It’s like, ‘guys, pandemic. Six feet. Get off me.’ Didn’t matter. That ball was mine and that’s just the beginning. Nuk ain’t no Canadian! Y’all about to see my real potential now. Mongooses never quit! Mongooses will fight! Mongooses will prevail! Well, except today.”
In that same game, Josh Allen added a match-up-high 26.36 fantasy points.
“I was just so happy,” Allen said to the Buffalo local media. “I threw that late touchdown, but I knew we needed more. I threw a couple picks. I heard Drew (Lock) threw four! What a <expletive> jerk! To See Nuk come down with that football, it was like a wave of euphoria. Knew we had a chance to win at that point. Just wish it panned out differently.”
After the Hail Mary, the Fighting Mongooses were favored to win going into the final two games of the week, but the Baltimore defense scored just a single fantasy point in their 23-17 loss to the Patriots, while Jakobi Meyers scored 10.86 fantasy points for #6 Feet Apart. After scoring 91.80 fantasy points the last two weeks, Dalvin Cook had the chance to be the hero again on Monday Night Football, but he only managed 11.20 fantasy points.
“Despite popular belief, I am not Superman,” Cook said after the Vikings’ 19-13 win over the Bears. “I put this fantasy team on my back these last few weeks. That ain’t gonna work forever and this week is proof. No Joe (Mixon). No Kenny (Golladay), but come on!”
Cook angrily turned to the two injured Mongooses.
“You guys gotta get your <expletives> back on this fantasy field and produce. <Expletive>!”
Cook made a weapon out of an actual Viking helmet and hurled it towards his two teammates. Mixon dodged the blow, but the weapon hit Golladay in the head, causing a fatal wound.
“Oh my God!” Mixon yelled at Cook. “You killed Kenny!”
“You bastard!” Giovani Bernard yelled.
“Don’t worry,” Cook said. “I’m Superman. I can fix this.”
Golladay remains questionable. In his absence, Curtis Samuel scored just 1.20 fantasy points in his Fighting Mongooses debut, after reaching double-digit fantasy points in each of the last three weeks. Samuel started as a fourth wide receiver due to the injury to Damien Harris, who played Sunday night despite his questionable status.
“The only questionable thing about me is why I was on the bench?” Harris asked after the Patriots’ 23-17 win over the Ravens. “This is not OK. We were projected to win this week by over 30 and we lost? We <expletive> lost? Not saying things would have been different if I played, but things would have been different if I played. 12.10 fantasy points. You put me in that flex and put Jerry (Jeudy) back at wide receiver instead of this newbie, (Curtis) Samuel, we win. Barely, but still. That’s the difference between 4th and 7th place. Gotta bounce back. Got to!”
The Fighting Mongooses will look to do just that, next week against The Robot Unicorn (4-6).
Cook Continues to Cook
Mongooses Embarrass ChilD
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SCRANTON, Pennsylvania (AFP) – For the second straight week, Dalvin Cook led all scorers with 41.20 fantasy points, Josh Allen added 36.00 fantasy points and the Fighting Mongooses (5-4) beat Avery’s So Big! (2-7) 165.22 – 131.38. The 165.22 fantasy points were a league-high for the week.
“Look, I don’t give a <expletive> how big Avery gets,” Cook said after the Vikings’ 34-20 win over the Lions. “Kid’s still a <expletive> baby and I’m the greatest fantasy <expletive> football player of all time. I challenge that <expletive> anytime, anywhere. See how he does with eleven guys trying to take him down. Mommy and daddy can’t help you now, can they! <Expletive> baby! I’m actually disappointed in myself. Last week, after scoring 50, I said I wanted 60. No, 70! 40? Nah, not good enough. Should have scored more.”
The Fighting Mongooses found themselves in an early hole after Aaron Rodgers and Mason Crosby combined for 44.90 fantasy point for Avery’s So Big! on Thursday Night Football, but the Mongooses quickly turned things around on Sunday.
“We have a saying around here,” Allen explained after the Bills’ 44-34 win over the Seahawks. “It actually gets tattooed on the inside of our eyelids. Non-negotiable. It reads ‘Mongooses never quit. Mongooses will fight. Mongooses will prevail!’ I’m not allowed to quit, not even when Aaron Rodgers decided to have his best statistical game since week 1 against us. I just went out there and out-Rodgers-ed Rodgers. The only logical explanation? I’m superior to Aaron Rodger is every way.”
With the win, the Fighting Mongooses move up one spot to 5th place in the Kevin Ware Memorial League.
“We need this one for playoff hopes, for seeding and just for me, personally,” Jerry Jeudy said after scoring a career-high 18.50 fantasy points in the Broncos’ 34-27 loss to the Falcons. “With Kenny (Golladay) sidelined, Amari (Cooper) gone, this was my chance. Me, Drew (Lock) riding the bench all year. We showed what we can do today. Career-highs all around in the Mile High city!”
In his Fighting Mongooses debut, DeAndre Hopkins scored a disappointing and season-low 3.00 fantasy points in the Cardinals’ 34-31 loss to the Dolphins.
“Damn it feels good to be a Mongoose,” Hopkins said. “I mean, once my eyelids heal a little, it’ll feel good. I’ll never quit. I can’t. Ever! (Jerry) Jeudy told me they do terrible things to you in the Quarterbacks Room if you do. Luckily, my services weren’t needed today, but my talents fit in perfectly here. Once Kenny (Golladay) and Joe (Mixon) get back, this team is gonna be scary. Like a rabid Mongoose eying down a <expletive> dumb <expletive> cobra scary. Mongooses will prevail!”
The Fighting Mongooses will continue to socially distance when they face #6 Feet Apart (1-8) next week.
“Look, I don’t give a <expletive> how big Avery gets,” Cook said after the Vikings’ 34-20 win over the Lions. “Kid’s still a <expletive> baby and I’m the greatest fantasy <expletive> football player of all time. I challenge that <expletive> anytime, anywhere. See how he does with eleven guys trying to take him down. Mommy and daddy can’t help you now, can they! <Expletive> baby! I’m actually disappointed in myself. Last week, after scoring 50, I said I wanted 60. No, 70! 40? Nah, not good enough. Should have scored more.”
The Fighting Mongooses found themselves in an early hole after Aaron Rodgers and Mason Crosby combined for 44.90 fantasy point for Avery’s So Big! on Thursday Night Football, but the Mongooses quickly turned things around on Sunday.
“We have a saying around here,” Allen explained after the Bills’ 44-34 win over the Seahawks. “It actually gets tattooed on the inside of our eyelids. Non-negotiable. It reads ‘Mongooses never quit. Mongooses will fight. Mongooses will prevail!’ I’m not allowed to quit, not even when Aaron Rodgers decided to have his best statistical game since week 1 against us. I just went out there and out-Rodgers-ed Rodgers. The only logical explanation? I’m superior to Aaron Rodger is every way.”
With the win, the Fighting Mongooses move up one spot to 5th place in the Kevin Ware Memorial League.
“We need this one for playoff hopes, for seeding and just for me, personally,” Jerry Jeudy said after scoring a career-high 18.50 fantasy points in the Broncos’ 34-27 loss to the Falcons. “With Kenny (Golladay) sidelined, Amari (Cooper) gone, this was my chance. Me, Drew (Lock) riding the bench all year. We showed what we can do today. Career-highs all around in the Mile High city!”
In his Fighting Mongooses debut, DeAndre Hopkins scored a disappointing and season-low 3.00 fantasy points in the Cardinals’ 34-31 loss to the Dolphins.
“Damn it feels good to be a Mongoose,” Hopkins said. “I mean, once my eyelids heal a little, it’ll feel good. I’ll never quit. I can’t. Ever! (Jerry) Jeudy told me they do terrible things to you in the Quarterbacks Room if you do. Luckily, my services weren’t needed today, but my talents fit in perfectly here. Once Kenny (Golladay) and Joe (Mixon) get back, this team is gonna be scary. Like a rabid Mongoose eying down a <expletive> dumb <expletive> cobra scary. Mongooses will prevail!”
The Fighting Mongooses will continue to socially distance when they face #6 Feet Apart (1-8) next week.
TOO MANY COOKS IN THE KITCHEN:
MONGOOSES FEAST ON SALMOn
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/cook.jpg?1604444489)
SCRANTON, Pennsylvania (AFP) – Dalvin Cook scored an unprecedented 50.60 fantasy points, Giovani Bernard added 19.80 fantasy points and the Fighting Mongooses (4-4) snapped a three-week losing streak with a 136.74 – 120.58 win over Heavy Salmon (3-5).
“Being off for two weeks, really makes a man think,” Cook said after scoring four touchdowns in the Vikings’ 28-22 win over the Packers. “Watching my Mongooses drop two match-ups with pathetic point totals, I had an epiphany. I’ll just do everything myself! Yeah, why not? I’ll just score all the <expletive> touchdowns every <expletive> week! Why stop at 50 fantasy points? Next week I’ll put up 60! Then 70! <Expletive>! Not like our quarterbacks or receivers are doing anything to help us!”
Dalvin wasn’t the only Cook to find the endzone for the Mongooses. Newly-acquired Jared Cook also scored a touchdown, tallying 11.10 fantasy points in the Saints’ 26-23 overtime win against the Bears.
“They say having too many cooks in the kitchen is a bad thing,” Jared Cook added. “Not for us. You can never have too many Cooks, especially when the rest of the team stinks like day old jambalaya. Coincidentally, that’s what Dalvin and I are cooking tonight! Good, old fashioned New Orleans Jambalaya. Just gotta get our meat. Plenty of choices. Let’s just check the pantry.”
The Cooks walked into the Fighting Mongooses Quarterbacks room, whistling innocently. Inside, Josh Allen, Derek Carr and Drew Lock were meeting to discuss why the group was underperforming. Joining them was a disappointing group of wide receivers. AJ Green and Amari Cooper brought some constructive criticism as they involved the corpse of Kenny Golladay, Weekend at Bernie’s style. When Dalvin and Jared Cook interrupted the meeting, no one said a word. Everyone looked at each other in communal and mutual understanding.
“It’s time for dinner,” Jared Cook said.
One Mongooses not fearful for his life was Giovani Bernard. Filling in for the injured Joe Mixon for a second straight week, Bernard continued to deliver, scoring two touchdowns.
“It’s the porn-stache,” Bernard explained after the Bengals’ 31-20 win over the Titans. “You see this? I may be a football player by trade, but this sexy, salacious lip sweater means I <expletive> women on camera on the side. What can I say? I’m just irresistible to women. It’s like it gives me special sex powers, powers that also help me score touchdowns. I mean, look at AJ (Green). Goatee, but no moustache. Has he scored a touchdown this year? No. Has he <expletive>’d countless ladies? Well, maybe, but not because of his facial hair. Just sayin’. Think about it.”
In addition to Bernard, the new-look Mongooses featured the Philadelphia defense/special teams, which scored 23.00 fantasy points, doing the impossible – stopping perennial MVP contender Ben DiNucci. The Eagles held the Cowboys to just three Greg Zuerlein field goals. Zuerlein was resurrected from his fatal injury he suffered in the Mongooses locker room last week. The Fighting Mongooses instead went with Rodrigo Blankenship, who managed just a single fantasy point in the Colts’ 41-21 win over the Lions.
“Look, I know this looks bad, dropping a guy who scored 13.00 fantasy points for a guy who managed one,” Blankenship said. “But I promise you this, I’ll get back to those double-digit fantasy outings I had four straight weeks earlier this year. Dalvin carried us this week, but it’s gotta be a team effort moving forward. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s dinner time. I hear the Cooks made jambalaya!”
The Fighting Mongooses look to start a winning streak when they face Avery’s So Big! (2-6) next week.
“Being off for two weeks, really makes a man think,” Cook said after scoring four touchdowns in the Vikings’ 28-22 win over the Packers. “Watching my Mongooses drop two match-ups with pathetic point totals, I had an epiphany. I’ll just do everything myself! Yeah, why not? I’ll just score all the <expletive> touchdowns every <expletive> week! Why stop at 50 fantasy points? Next week I’ll put up 60! Then 70! <Expletive>! Not like our quarterbacks or receivers are doing anything to help us!”
Dalvin wasn’t the only Cook to find the endzone for the Mongooses. Newly-acquired Jared Cook also scored a touchdown, tallying 11.10 fantasy points in the Saints’ 26-23 overtime win against the Bears.
“They say having too many cooks in the kitchen is a bad thing,” Jared Cook added. “Not for us. You can never have too many Cooks, especially when the rest of the team stinks like day old jambalaya. Coincidentally, that’s what Dalvin and I are cooking tonight! Good, old fashioned New Orleans Jambalaya. Just gotta get our meat. Plenty of choices. Let’s just check the pantry.”
The Cooks walked into the Fighting Mongooses Quarterbacks room, whistling innocently. Inside, Josh Allen, Derek Carr and Drew Lock were meeting to discuss why the group was underperforming. Joining them was a disappointing group of wide receivers. AJ Green and Amari Cooper brought some constructive criticism as they involved the corpse of Kenny Golladay, Weekend at Bernie’s style. When Dalvin and Jared Cook interrupted the meeting, no one said a word. Everyone looked at each other in communal and mutual understanding.
“It’s time for dinner,” Jared Cook said.
One Mongooses not fearful for his life was Giovani Bernard. Filling in for the injured Joe Mixon for a second straight week, Bernard continued to deliver, scoring two touchdowns.
“It’s the porn-stache,” Bernard explained after the Bengals’ 31-20 win over the Titans. “You see this? I may be a football player by trade, but this sexy, salacious lip sweater means I <expletive> women on camera on the side. What can I say? I’m just irresistible to women. It’s like it gives me special sex powers, powers that also help me score touchdowns. I mean, look at AJ (Green). Goatee, but no moustache. Has he scored a touchdown this year? No. Has he <expletive>’d countless ladies? Well, maybe, but not because of his facial hair. Just sayin’. Think about it.”
In addition to Bernard, the new-look Mongooses featured the Philadelphia defense/special teams, which scored 23.00 fantasy points, doing the impossible – stopping perennial MVP contender Ben DiNucci. The Eagles held the Cowboys to just three Greg Zuerlein field goals. Zuerlein was resurrected from his fatal injury he suffered in the Mongooses locker room last week. The Fighting Mongooses instead went with Rodrigo Blankenship, who managed just a single fantasy point in the Colts’ 41-21 win over the Lions.
“Look, I know this looks bad, dropping a guy who scored 13.00 fantasy points for a guy who managed one,” Blankenship said. “But I promise you this, I’ll get back to those double-digit fantasy outings I had four straight weeks earlier this year. Dalvin carried us this week, but it’s gotta be a team effort moving forward. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s dinner time. I hear the Cooks made jambalaya!”
The Fighting Mongooses look to start a winning streak when they face Avery’s So Big! (2-6) next week.
MONGOOSES SHOT DOWN BY DONG SHOTS
GOOSES SUFFER THIRD STRAIGHT LOSS
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/14396158-web1-buccaneers-raiders-football.jpg?1604012834)
SCRANTON, Pennsylvania (AFP) – Derek Carr scored a team-high 19.26 fantasy points, newly-acquired Giovanni Bernard added 15.60 fantasy points, but the Fighting Mongooses (3-4) had some tough luck, falling to Favre’s Dong Shots (5-2) 149.88 – 103.04.
“I mean, what are you going to do?” Carr asked rhetorically after the Raiders’ 45-20 loss to the Buccaneers. “I had a front row seat, watching Tom Brady just goat-out over there. Five touchdowns? <Expletive>! That’s the Dong Shots for you, though. Class organization. I mean, when you think class, you think of a dong shot. I think we’d all agree.”
Brady scored 36.86 fantasy points for Favre’s Dong Shots. Later on Sunday night, Tyler Lockett added 42.00 fantasy points, ending any hope for the Mongooses.
“Yup, that seems about right,” Amari Cooper said after the Cowboys’ 25-3 loss to the Washington Football Team. “Explodes for 32 against the Cowboys. Now explodes for 42 against the Mongooses. Dude just keeps haunting me. Meanwhile, I’ve got Ben DiNucci throwing me passes. Oh, joy.”
With byes and injuries mounting, only four Mongooses managed to reach double-digit fantasy points this week.
“Lot of back-ups in this week,” Fletcher Cox added, after the Eagles’ 22-21 win over the Giants. “Gio (Bernard), Gerald (Everett), Jerry (Jeudy). I mean, we’re not the Ravens defense. Still, thought we had a shot. Projected to win much of Sunday. Kind of like Daniel Jones. Had nothing but daylight ahead, just fell on his face. We sue as <expletive> didn’t stop him. Just fell on his <expletive> face. That’s what we did, especially Jerick (McKinnon). <Expletive> him!”
“Yeah, sorry about that,” Jerick McKinnon added after finishing with three rushes for -1 yards in the 49ers’ 33-6 win over the Patriots. “I know. I know. No Reaheem (Mostert). No Tevin (Coleman). All the experts said I was going to be a solid start this week, but Kyle Shanahan is a genius. If he says you don’t play for no reason, you listen.”
McKinnon continued to get angrier.
“If he puts in Jeff (Wislon) and JaMycal (Hasty) in front of you, you deal with it,” McKinnon continued. “Even when Jeff gets hurt and you still don’t play, you understand. If he disregards those four straight double-digit fantasy performances to start the year and decides…”
McKinnon’s anger boiled over as he threw his helmet at Greg Zuerlein, fatally injuring him. Zuerlein has been replaced.
“This losing streak sucks,” McKinnon said.
The Mongooses will look to end that losing streak in a key match-up next week against Heavy Salmon (3-4).
“I mean, what are you going to do?” Carr asked rhetorically after the Raiders’ 45-20 loss to the Buccaneers. “I had a front row seat, watching Tom Brady just goat-out over there. Five touchdowns? <Expletive>! That’s the Dong Shots for you, though. Class organization. I mean, when you think class, you think of a dong shot. I think we’d all agree.”
Brady scored 36.86 fantasy points for Favre’s Dong Shots. Later on Sunday night, Tyler Lockett added 42.00 fantasy points, ending any hope for the Mongooses.
“Yup, that seems about right,” Amari Cooper said after the Cowboys’ 25-3 loss to the Washington Football Team. “Explodes for 32 against the Cowboys. Now explodes for 42 against the Mongooses. Dude just keeps haunting me. Meanwhile, I’ve got Ben DiNucci throwing me passes. Oh, joy.”
With byes and injuries mounting, only four Mongooses managed to reach double-digit fantasy points this week.
“Lot of back-ups in this week,” Fletcher Cox added, after the Eagles’ 22-21 win over the Giants. “Gio (Bernard), Gerald (Everett), Jerry (Jeudy). I mean, we’re not the Ravens defense. Still, thought we had a shot. Projected to win much of Sunday. Kind of like Daniel Jones. Had nothing but daylight ahead, just fell on his face. We sue as <expletive> didn’t stop him. Just fell on his <expletive> face. That’s what we did, especially Jerick (McKinnon). <Expletive> him!”
“Yeah, sorry about that,” Jerick McKinnon added after finishing with three rushes for -1 yards in the 49ers’ 33-6 win over the Patriots. “I know. I know. No Reaheem (Mostert). No Tevin (Coleman). All the experts said I was going to be a solid start this week, but Kyle Shanahan is a genius. If he says you don’t play for no reason, you listen.”
McKinnon continued to get angrier.
“If he puts in Jeff (Wislon) and JaMycal (Hasty) in front of you, you deal with it,” McKinnon continued. “Even when Jeff gets hurt and you still don’t play, you understand. If he disregards those four straight double-digit fantasy performances to start the year and decides…”
McKinnon’s anger boiled over as he threw his helmet at Greg Zuerlein, fatally injuring him. Zuerlein has been replaced.
“This losing streak sucks,” McKinnon said.
The Mongooses will look to end that losing streak in a key match-up next week against Heavy Salmon (3-4).
DEPLORABLE DECISIONS DOOM MONGOOSES
IN DEFEAT TO BLAINESREALAMERICANS
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/carr.jpg?1602799800)
SCRANTON, Pennsylvania (AFP) – Derek Carr scored a match-up-high 31.98 fantasy points, the Baltimore defense added 29.00 fantasy points, but on a weekend where decisions backfired, the Fighting Mongooses (3-2) fell to BlainesRealAmericans (3-2) 141.10 – 120.20.
“I mean, we’re talking about the best quarterback in the game right now going up against just an average QB,” Carr said after the Raiders’ 40-32 win over the Chiefs. “Mahomes? <Expletive> no! I’m talking about me, mother <expletives>! I’m the best QB in the game! You see me out there? I felt bad the other team had the other guy. Why? Because he ain’t me! Pat, he’s just an average Joe. Yeah, that’s right Mrs. Mahomes, I said Pat, not Patrick! Deal with it.”
One of the match-up’s many twists and turns came in the Seahawks 27-26 win over the Vikings, where Mongoose running back Dalvin Cook injured his groin early in the second half.
“I was <expletive> pissed,” Cook said after scoring 14.90 fantasy points in the loss. “My groin is fine. Trust me. Better yet, ask my girlfriend. <Expletive> Coach Zimmer. I told that <expletive> to put me back in. I was good, but he just told me Blaine <expletive> Gabbert slipped him a few dead presidents to keep me out. Said something like ‘for America.’ I don’t know. Couldn’t believe that <expletive>! And what happens? We don’t get that late first down and Russell Wilson goes all Russell <expletive> Wilson for the Bras and we lose. <Expletive>! I mean, <expletive!>”
The position comparison that doomed the Mongooses was wide receiver. The BlainesRealAmericans wide outs out-scored the Mongoose receiving corps 32.52 – 2.90.
“I kept telling Dak (Prescott) ‘give me the ball’ and he was like, ‘I’m trying, but my foot is literally falling off!’ Excuses!” Amari Cooper said after scoring 2.10 fantasy points in the Cowboys’ 37-34 win over the Giants. “And I had to do everything, too. No Michael Thomas in New Orleans. Better grab Tre’Quan Smith and his 8 <expletive> yards! Might as well start him and drop Mike Williams, who’s done <expletive> all year. Of course Keenan Allen gets hurt and Mike goes off! He was questionable, too. Wrong side of it, too, and John (Brown)? Experts said he good! Of course he don’t play, on a Tuesday, when nothing can be done. Would have won if we didn’t make those <expletive> moves!”
The Fighting Mongooses have put also out an MPR on Tyler Higbee. He has not been seen since his three touchdown game in week 2.
“I’m right here,” Higbee said after scoring 1.20 fantasy points in the Rams’ 30-10 win over the Washington Football Team.
The Fighting Mongooses will look to bounce back next week against Santiago & Dunbar (3-2).
“I mean, we’re talking about the best quarterback in the game right now going up against just an average QB,” Carr said after the Raiders’ 40-32 win over the Chiefs. “Mahomes? <Expletive> no! I’m talking about me, mother <expletives>! I’m the best QB in the game! You see me out there? I felt bad the other team had the other guy. Why? Because he ain’t me! Pat, he’s just an average Joe. Yeah, that’s right Mrs. Mahomes, I said Pat, not Patrick! Deal with it.”
One of the match-up’s many twists and turns came in the Seahawks 27-26 win over the Vikings, where Mongoose running back Dalvin Cook injured his groin early in the second half.
“I was <expletive> pissed,” Cook said after scoring 14.90 fantasy points in the loss. “My groin is fine. Trust me. Better yet, ask my girlfriend. <Expletive> Coach Zimmer. I told that <expletive> to put me back in. I was good, but he just told me Blaine <expletive> Gabbert slipped him a few dead presidents to keep me out. Said something like ‘for America.’ I don’t know. Couldn’t believe that <expletive>! And what happens? We don’t get that late first down and Russell Wilson goes all Russell <expletive> Wilson for the Bras and we lose. <Expletive>! I mean, <expletive!>”
The position comparison that doomed the Mongooses was wide receiver. The BlainesRealAmericans wide outs out-scored the Mongoose receiving corps 32.52 – 2.90.
“I kept telling Dak (Prescott) ‘give me the ball’ and he was like, ‘I’m trying, but my foot is literally falling off!’ Excuses!” Amari Cooper said after scoring 2.10 fantasy points in the Cowboys’ 37-34 win over the Giants. “And I had to do everything, too. No Michael Thomas in New Orleans. Better grab Tre’Quan Smith and his 8 <expletive> yards! Might as well start him and drop Mike Williams, who’s done <expletive> all year. Of course Keenan Allen gets hurt and Mike goes off! He was questionable, too. Wrong side of it, too, and John (Brown)? Experts said he good! Of course he don’t play, on a Tuesday, when nothing can be done. Would have won if we didn’t make those <expletive> moves!”
The Fighting Mongooses have put also out an MPR on Tyler Higbee. He has not been seen since his three touchdown game in week 2.
“I’m right here,” Higbee said after scoring 1.20 fantasy points in the Rams’ 30-10 win over the Washington Football Team.
The Fighting Mongooses will look to bounce back next week against Santiago & Dunbar (3-2).
Mixon Fixing To Score Touchdowns
Mongooses Obliterate Tuxedos
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/mixon.jpg?1602125743)
SCRANTON, Pennsylvania (AFP) – Joe Mixon exploded for three touchdowns and a match-up-high 36.10 fantasy points, Dalvin Cook added 26.60 fantasy points, the running back corps led the Fighting Mongooses (3-1) to a convincing 168.26 – 84.30 win over Canadian Tuxedos (0-4). The Mongooses bounced back from their first loss of the season and propelled themselves into second place in the Kevin Ware Memorial League.
“Gooses gonna goose,” Mixon said after the Bengals’ 33-25 win over the Jaguars. “That’s what I did today: <expletive> goosed up and goosed out! I hadn’t been pulling my weight around here. First round pick, couldn’t even find the endzone. Well I <expletive> found it today, didn’t I? Y’all keep doubting us! Gooses gonna goose!”
“This is just a taste of that delicious goose recipe and you can trust me. I’m a cook,” Cook added after the Vikings’ 21-23 win over the Texans. “When we clicking, we scary, like real <expletive> scary. <Expletive>! Even Jerick (McKinnon) picked up a late touchdown again. Plus, we got Le’Veon (Bell) waiting in the wings. I mean, he plays for the powerhouse offense known as the New York Jets!”
The Fighting Mongooses picked up Le’Veon Bell when Jeff Driskel lost his starting job to Brett Rypien. Bell was not immediately available for comment, but prescribed himself the finest medical marijuana money can buy – the only known cure for a hamstring injury.
Mixon wasn’t the only Mongoose to find the endzone for the first time this week, as Amari Cooper scored his first touchdown of the season.
“I’m just so incredibly happy,” Cooper said after the Cowboys’ 49-38 loss to the Browns. “There literally nothing I could be upset about. This is a glorious day! 21.40 fantasy points? As long as we keep getting down my four scores, we’ll keep throwing, the stats inflate and the Mongooses win! Yes!”
The Mongooses could have been even more successful, as rookie Jerry Jeudy’s first career touchdown was left on the bench.
“Who’d we start at WR3? AJ Green?” Jeudy asked reporters after what would have been a 16.10 fantasy point performance in the Broncos’ 37-38 win over the Jets. “What he finish with? 3 yards? Had a good day, though. Should have started me. I don’t care if Brett <expletive> Rypien is my quarterback. I showed what I can do.”
Jeudy finished with two receptions.
The Fighting Mongooses look to continue their success next week, when they play BlainesRealAmericans (2-2).
“Gooses gonna goose,” Mixon said after the Bengals’ 33-25 win over the Jaguars. “That’s what I did today: <expletive> goosed up and goosed out! I hadn’t been pulling my weight around here. First round pick, couldn’t even find the endzone. Well I <expletive> found it today, didn’t I? Y’all keep doubting us! Gooses gonna goose!”
“This is just a taste of that delicious goose recipe and you can trust me. I’m a cook,” Cook added after the Vikings’ 21-23 win over the Texans. “When we clicking, we scary, like real <expletive> scary. <Expletive>! Even Jerick (McKinnon) picked up a late touchdown again. Plus, we got Le’Veon (Bell) waiting in the wings. I mean, he plays for the powerhouse offense known as the New York Jets!”
The Fighting Mongooses picked up Le’Veon Bell when Jeff Driskel lost his starting job to Brett Rypien. Bell was not immediately available for comment, but prescribed himself the finest medical marijuana money can buy – the only known cure for a hamstring injury.
Mixon wasn’t the only Mongoose to find the endzone for the first time this week, as Amari Cooper scored his first touchdown of the season.
“I’m just so incredibly happy,” Cooper said after the Cowboys’ 49-38 loss to the Browns. “There literally nothing I could be upset about. This is a glorious day! 21.40 fantasy points? As long as we keep getting down my four scores, we’ll keep throwing, the stats inflate and the Mongooses win! Yes!”
The Mongooses could have been even more successful, as rookie Jerry Jeudy’s first career touchdown was left on the bench.
“Who’d we start at WR3? AJ Green?” Jeudy asked reporters after what would have been a 16.10 fantasy point performance in the Broncos’ 37-38 win over the Jets. “What he finish with? 3 yards? Had a good day, though. Should have started me. I don’t care if Brett <expletive> Rypien is my quarterback. I showed what I can do.”
Jeudy finished with two receptions.
The Fighting Mongooses look to continue their success next week, when they play BlainesRealAmericans (2-2).
SUCCESS HALTED BY EXPRESS
MONGOOSES SUFFER FIRST LOSS OF THE SEASON
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/josh-allen-bills-rams.jpg?1601522828)
SCRANTON, Pennsylvania (AFP) – Josh Allen scored a match-up-high 31.24 fantasy points, Dalvin Cook added 23.90 fantasy points, but the Fighting Mongooses (2-1) suffered their first loss of the season, falling to Polar Express (3-0) 135.34 – 127.08.
“Un-<expletive>-acceptable,” Allen said after the Bills’ 35-32 win over the Rams. “Look, I’m the Fantasy MVP-to-be. I’m busting my <expletive> every snap to put up stats for this fantasy team and John Brown, John <expletive> Brown gets hurt and puts up a goose egg? No, not OK. Dude’s gonna get what’s coming to him.”
Allen started to make his way toward the Fighting Mongooses Quarterbacks Room, but then turned back to reporters.
“By the way, I would disturbingly punish any teammate who doesn’t meet my standards. It’s not because John is black. I’m not racist… Don’t check my old tweets... #BlackLivesMatter.”
The Associated Fake Press does not condone hate crimes in both fantasy and reality.
The Fighting Mongooses appeared to have luck on their side when Seattle Seahawks and Polar Express wide receiver DK Metcalf had a sure 40 plus yard touchdown taken away by the Cowboys’ Trevon Diggs. The Dallas cornerback forced a fumble just before Metcalf crossed the goal line, keeping double-digit fantasy points off the board. Metcalf would respond by scoring a touchdown late in the fourth quarter, dooming both the Cowboys and Mongooses.
“These are just the <expletive> worst,” Amari Cooper said after scoring 8.60 fantasy points in the Cowboys’ 38-31 loss to the Seahawks. “Cowboys and the Mongooses essentially losing because of the same G-d <expletive> play. Told Trevon (Diggs) just to keep that <expletive> out of the endzone. You know, do it for your brother, Stefon, a former Mongoose. When he punched that ball out, that was a 12 point swing – the two for the fumble, plus keeping the touchdown and the bonus off the board. I thought we had it. Really though we had it, right until the end there when he scored.”
Jerick McKinnon added 13.70 fantasy points in the 49ers’ 36-9 win over the Giants. McKinnon was making his Fighting Mongooses debut after two straight injured seasons, the first of which he spent the entire year on the Mongoose bench.
“Do you have any idea how long I’ve waited for this moment?” McKinnon asked. “AJ (Green) and I have spoken at length about this – the agony of being drafted solely as a good-value keeper, to finally get your chance and to blow it. Well, me not as much as him. At least I scored. Could have scored a second touchdown, too. Taken off the board because of a <expletive> offensive lineman getting called for a flag! <Expletive>! Linemen! I hate linemen!”
Still, the Fighting Mongooses had a slim chance on Monday Night Football if the Baltimore defense/special teams could defy the odds and score 11 fantasy points against the Chiefs. Devin Duvernay offered some false hope, scoring a kickoff return touchdown, but the Mongooses could not pull off the comeback.
“I had it all in my mind,” Duvernay said after the Ravens’ 34-20 loss to the Chiefs. “Scored that touchdown and I was thinking, ‘this is it! Mongooses never quit! Mongooses fight! We’re gonna prevail! We’re gonna do it!’ Then Patrick Mahomes put up 34 points and 517 yards of offense against our defense and I was like, ‘well, <expletive>!”
The Fighting Mongooses will fight to get back on track next week against the Canadian Tuxedos (0-3).
“Un-<expletive>-acceptable,” Allen said after the Bills’ 35-32 win over the Rams. “Look, I’m the Fantasy MVP-to-be. I’m busting my <expletive> every snap to put up stats for this fantasy team and John Brown, John <expletive> Brown gets hurt and puts up a goose egg? No, not OK. Dude’s gonna get what’s coming to him.”
Allen started to make his way toward the Fighting Mongooses Quarterbacks Room, but then turned back to reporters.
“By the way, I would disturbingly punish any teammate who doesn’t meet my standards. It’s not because John is black. I’m not racist… Don’t check my old tweets... #BlackLivesMatter.”
The Associated Fake Press does not condone hate crimes in both fantasy and reality.
The Fighting Mongooses appeared to have luck on their side when Seattle Seahawks and Polar Express wide receiver DK Metcalf had a sure 40 plus yard touchdown taken away by the Cowboys’ Trevon Diggs. The Dallas cornerback forced a fumble just before Metcalf crossed the goal line, keeping double-digit fantasy points off the board. Metcalf would respond by scoring a touchdown late in the fourth quarter, dooming both the Cowboys and Mongooses.
“These are just the <expletive> worst,” Amari Cooper said after scoring 8.60 fantasy points in the Cowboys’ 38-31 loss to the Seahawks. “Cowboys and the Mongooses essentially losing because of the same G-d <expletive> play. Told Trevon (Diggs) just to keep that <expletive> out of the endzone. You know, do it for your brother, Stefon, a former Mongoose. When he punched that ball out, that was a 12 point swing – the two for the fumble, plus keeping the touchdown and the bonus off the board. I thought we had it. Really though we had it, right until the end there when he scored.”
Jerick McKinnon added 13.70 fantasy points in the 49ers’ 36-9 win over the Giants. McKinnon was making his Fighting Mongooses debut after two straight injured seasons, the first of which he spent the entire year on the Mongoose bench.
“Do you have any idea how long I’ve waited for this moment?” McKinnon asked. “AJ (Green) and I have spoken at length about this – the agony of being drafted solely as a good-value keeper, to finally get your chance and to blow it. Well, me not as much as him. At least I scored. Could have scored a second touchdown, too. Taken off the board because of a <expletive> offensive lineman getting called for a flag! <Expletive>! Linemen! I hate linemen!”
Still, the Fighting Mongooses had a slim chance on Monday Night Football if the Baltimore defense/special teams could defy the odds and score 11 fantasy points against the Chiefs. Devin Duvernay offered some false hope, scoring a kickoff return touchdown, but the Mongooses could not pull off the comeback.
“I had it all in my mind,” Duvernay said after the Ravens’ 34-20 loss to the Chiefs. “Scored that touchdown and I was thinking, ‘this is it! Mongooses never quit! Mongooses fight! We’re gonna prevail! We’re gonna do it!’ Then Patrick Mahomes put up 34 points and 517 yards of offense against our defense and I was like, ‘well, <expletive>!”
The Fighting Mongooses will fight to get back on track next week against the Canadian Tuxedos (0-3).
HIGBEE SCORES THREE:
MONGOOSES FIGHT TO BIG VICTORY OVER I JUST HAD REX
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/ss-20200920-172957629-15609301114-default.jpg?1600888922)
SCRANTON, Pennsylvania (AFP) – Josh Allen scored a team-high 38.48 fantasy points, Tyler Higbee added 23.40 fantasy points and the Fighting Mongooses (2-0) defeated I Just Had Rex (1-1) 164.66 – 148.48. The 164.66 fantasy points was the top mark in the Kevin Ware Memorial League in Week 2.
“Mongooses never quit! Mongooses will fight! Mongooses will prevail!” Higbee chanted after scoring three touchdowns in the Rams’ 37-19 win over the Eagles. “Tough start, both Thursday and Sunday, but I wasn’t gonna let this team down. Three touchdowns! Man, the Eagles can’t cover tight ends! I think it’s in the NFL rule book. Philadelphia cannot get within ten yards of a tight end, but it’s all about this team, man. We love each other. We pick each other up. We’re a family. Excuse me.”
Higbee began to embrace his Mongoose teammates: Bills Josh Allen and John Brown, who connected on a 46-yard touchdown pass and combined for 56.68 fantasy points in the Bills’ 31-28 win over the Dolphins; Derek Carr, who compiled 21.58 fantasy points in the Raiders’ 34-24 win over the Saints; Dalvin Cook, who added 15.10 fantasy points in the Vikings’ 28-11 loss to the Colts.
AJ Green, who scored a disappointing 2.90 fantasy points, walked in next. Higbee dumped a bucket of chum on Green and chanted “Bust! Bust! Bust!”
“Sorry,” Higbee said, turning back to reporters. “We’re contractually obligated to do that. Like I said, family.”
“I deserve that,” Green said. “I’m failing as a keeper. At least it’s not the Quarterbacks Room.”
“What’s the Quarterbacks Room?” Nyeem Hines asked, after scoring just 0.40 fantasy points, just a week after being picked up off the waiver wire.
“You’ll love it, Nyeem,” Carr answered. “Trust me, you’ll love it.”
“Why are there names written in blood on the wall?” Hines asked. “Sam Darnold, Jameis Winston, Derrick Henry, the list goes on.”
“No reason,” Carr said, with a smirk.
“Waiver priority, my <expletive>,” Carr said under his breath.
The Mongooses also received double-digit fantasy efforts from Amari Cooper, the Baltimore defense and Greg Zuerlein.
“I would do anything for fantasy points,” Zuerlein said after scoring 11.00 fantasy points in the Cowboys 40-39 comeback win over the Falcons. “<Expletive>, I even made up my own <expletive>-up onside kick just to get another shot at a field goal. Man, the Falcons are dumb! What the <expletive> were they thinking? Thanks for the free fantasy points, <expletives!>”
The Mongooses got off to a rough start on Thursday Night Football, when Kareem Hunt outscored Green and Joe Mixon 22.10 – 11.50.
“I was <expletive> pissed,” Mixon said after scoring just 8.60 fantasy points in the Bengals’ 35-30 loss to the Browns. “I specifically told Kareen (Hunt) not to go off this week. I told him in our Convicted Felons Book Club. I said, ‘don’t you dare go off the week we face each other.’ Then we discussed Where the Crawdads Sing. Of course, we’re not really convicted felons. It’s just a name. Me, Kareem, Ray Rice, Greg Hardy. Greg actually had some excellent commentary on Kya’ loneliness. Of course, some people have taken the name a little too seriously over the years. Michael Vick. Ray Lewis. OJ Simpson. It’s like, ‘Jeez, OJ, you don’t have to kill someone just to join our book club.’ Anyway, <expletive> Hunt, that <expletive>!”
The Fighting Mongooses face Polar Express (2-0) in a potential battle for first place next week.
“Mongooses never quit! Mongooses will fight! Mongooses will prevail!” Higbee chanted after scoring three touchdowns in the Rams’ 37-19 win over the Eagles. “Tough start, both Thursday and Sunday, but I wasn’t gonna let this team down. Three touchdowns! Man, the Eagles can’t cover tight ends! I think it’s in the NFL rule book. Philadelphia cannot get within ten yards of a tight end, but it’s all about this team, man. We love each other. We pick each other up. We’re a family. Excuse me.”
Higbee began to embrace his Mongoose teammates: Bills Josh Allen and John Brown, who connected on a 46-yard touchdown pass and combined for 56.68 fantasy points in the Bills’ 31-28 win over the Dolphins; Derek Carr, who compiled 21.58 fantasy points in the Raiders’ 34-24 win over the Saints; Dalvin Cook, who added 15.10 fantasy points in the Vikings’ 28-11 loss to the Colts.
AJ Green, who scored a disappointing 2.90 fantasy points, walked in next. Higbee dumped a bucket of chum on Green and chanted “Bust! Bust! Bust!”
“Sorry,” Higbee said, turning back to reporters. “We’re contractually obligated to do that. Like I said, family.”
“I deserve that,” Green said. “I’m failing as a keeper. At least it’s not the Quarterbacks Room.”
“What’s the Quarterbacks Room?” Nyeem Hines asked, after scoring just 0.40 fantasy points, just a week after being picked up off the waiver wire.
“You’ll love it, Nyeem,” Carr answered. “Trust me, you’ll love it.”
“Why are there names written in blood on the wall?” Hines asked. “Sam Darnold, Jameis Winston, Derrick Henry, the list goes on.”
“No reason,” Carr said, with a smirk.
“Waiver priority, my <expletive>,” Carr said under his breath.
The Mongooses also received double-digit fantasy efforts from Amari Cooper, the Baltimore defense and Greg Zuerlein.
“I would do anything for fantasy points,” Zuerlein said after scoring 11.00 fantasy points in the Cowboys 40-39 comeback win over the Falcons. “<Expletive>, I even made up my own <expletive>-up onside kick just to get another shot at a field goal. Man, the Falcons are dumb! What the <expletive> were they thinking? Thanks for the free fantasy points, <expletives!>”
The Mongooses got off to a rough start on Thursday Night Football, when Kareem Hunt outscored Green and Joe Mixon 22.10 – 11.50.
“I was <expletive> pissed,” Mixon said after scoring just 8.60 fantasy points in the Bengals’ 35-30 loss to the Browns. “I specifically told Kareen (Hunt) not to go off this week. I told him in our Convicted Felons Book Club. I said, ‘don’t you dare go off the week we face each other.’ Then we discussed Where the Crawdads Sing. Of course, we’re not really convicted felons. It’s just a name. Me, Kareem, Ray Rice, Greg Hardy. Greg actually had some excellent commentary on Kya’ loneliness. Of course, some people have taken the name a little too seriously over the years. Michael Vick. Ray Lewis. OJ Simpson. It’s like, ‘Jeez, OJ, you don’t have to kill someone just to join our book club.’ Anyway, <expletive> Hunt, that <expletive>!”
The Fighting Mongooses face Polar Express (2-0) in a potential battle for first place next week.
MONGOOSES LEAVE POINTS ON THE TABLE,
STILL FIGHT FOR A WIN IN 2020 OPENER
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SCRANTON, Pennsylvania (AFP) – Josh Allen scored a team-high 28.18 fantasy points, Dalvin Cook added 20.80 fantasy points and the Fighting Mongooses (1-0) defeated Dan Cohenborough (0-1) 123.44 – 112.38 in the 2020 Kevin Ware Memorial League season opener.
“Global pandemic, racial injustice, apocalyptic storms and fires, but I’m a <expletive> Fighting Mongoose. All is right with the world,” Allen said after the Bills’ 27-17 win over the Jets. “Getting traded to this organization was the greatest moment of my life last season. To be drafted back here this season, it’s indescribable. Makes me want to go out there and score touchdowns, like a lot of <expletive> touchdowns.”
Allen rushed for a score and threw two more, although he did fumble twice and miss fellow Mongoose John Brown for a wide open score.
“Thank the fantasy gods that dude got me that one touchdown, because that second one was inexcusable.” Brown said after scoring 13.00 fantasy points. “That’s a double-dip of Mongoose goodness there. Can’t miss those opportunities.”
“You know what’s inexcusable? The refs calling me for PI on what would have been the sweetest touchdown of my career,” AJ Green said after scoring 5.10 fantasy points in the Bengals’ 16-13 loss to the Chargers. “I have been waiting 652 days for this day. One year, nine months and 12 <expletive> days. Yeah, I <expletive> counted. Sat on the bench all last year, knew I was going to be kept. My Mongoose debut, a dramatic touchdown, taken away from me. Makes me want to just <expletive> the <expletive> out of those <expletive> zebras!”
Joe Mixon came over to support his Bengals and Fighting Mongooses teammate.
“I got you, bruh,” Mixon said, who also scored 5.10 fantasy points in the matchup. “I’ll take care of it.”
The Fighting Mongooses saw five double-digit fantasy performances in the season opener, including a 15.00 fantasy point effort from the Baltimore defense.
“New team, new fantasy team, I was just soaking it all in,” Calais Campbell said after the Ravens’ 38-6 win over the Browns. “I mean just listening to that enormous crowd roar – just deafeningly loud – it was unbelievable!”
Reporters reminded Campbell that the stands were empty due to the pandemic.
“Nah, man,” Campbell responded. “This is fantasy. It’s not real. Baltimore may have been empty, but the fantasy stands were full. Anything’s possible in fantasy.”
Just then, the Kool-Aid man broke through the nearby brick wall and then transformed into a Pegasus. Campbell mounted the winged horse and looked down on the injured reporters in the rubble of what used to be the wall.
“Oh, yeah! Fantasy, <expletives>!” he said.
The Pegasus defecated cotton candy and flew away to the sound of crowd noise.
The Fighting Mongooses face I Just Had Rex (1-0) in week 2.
“Global pandemic, racial injustice, apocalyptic storms and fires, but I’m a <expletive> Fighting Mongoose. All is right with the world,” Allen said after the Bills’ 27-17 win over the Jets. “Getting traded to this organization was the greatest moment of my life last season. To be drafted back here this season, it’s indescribable. Makes me want to go out there and score touchdowns, like a lot of <expletive> touchdowns.”
Allen rushed for a score and threw two more, although he did fumble twice and miss fellow Mongoose John Brown for a wide open score.
“Thank the fantasy gods that dude got me that one touchdown, because that second one was inexcusable.” Brown said after scoring 13.00 fantasy points. “That’s a double-dip of Mongoose goodness there. Can’t miss those opportunities.”
“You know what’s inexcusable? The refs calling me for PI on what would have been the sweetest touchdown of my career,” AJ Green said after scoring 5.10 fantasy points in the Bengals’ 16-13 loss to the Chargers. “I have been waiting 652 days for this day. One year, nine months and 12 <expletive> days. Yeah, I <expletive> counted. Sat on the bench all last year, knew I was going to be kept. My Mongoose debut, a dramatic touchdown, taken away from me. Makes me want to just <expletive> the <expletive> out of those <expletive> zebras!”
Joe Mixon came over to support his Bengals and Fighting Mongooses teammate.
“I got you, bruh,” Mixon said, who also scored 5.10 fantasy points in the matchup. “I’ll take care of it.”
The Fighting Mongooses saw five double-digit fantasy performances in the season opener, including a 15.00 fantasy point effort from the Baltimore defense.
“New team, new fantasy team, I was just soaking it all in,” Calais Campbell said after the Ravens’ 38-6 win over the Browns. “I mean just listening to that enormous crowd roar – just deafeningly loud – it was unbelievable!”
Reporters reminded Campbell that the stands were empty due to the pandemic.
“Nah, man,” Campbell responded. “This is fantasy. It’s not real. Baltimore may have been empty, but the fantasy stands were full. Anything’s possible in fantasy.”
Just then, the Kool-Aid man broke through the nearby brick wall and then transformed into a Pegasus. Campbell mounted the winged horse and looked down on the injured reporters in the rubble of what used to be the wall.
“Oh, yeah! Fantasy, <expletives>!” he said.
The Pegasus defecated cotton candy and flew away to the sound of crowd noise.
The Fighting Mongooses face I Just Had Rex (1-0) in week 2.
MONGOOSES FALL IN PLAYOFFS
DESPITE BREES’ RECORD-BREAKING PERFORMANCE
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SCRANTON, Pennsylvania (AFP) – Drew Brees scored a match-up high 28.28 fantasy points and set the NFL record for passing touchdowns with 541, but the near-perfect Monday Night Football performance was not enough for a comeback, as the Fighting Mongooses fell to the Robot Unicorn 129.38 – 109.06 in the Kevin Ware Memorial League semifinals.
“This is worst day of my life,” Brees said after setting the passing touchdown record and throwing 29-for-30 and four touchdowns in the Saints' 34-7 win over the Colts. “When are people going to realize? I threw every one of those touchdown passes for one reason: fantasy points. I knew it was a long shot, down 60 points going into the game, but after that 40-point outing last week, I was feeling good, feeling lucky, feeling -- I don't know -- like, historically relevant. I guess I was wrong. I’m worthless, almost as worthless as Alvin Kamara.”
Brees gestured toward the nearby trophy case in the Fighting Mongooses facility. Next to the 2016 Kevin Ware Memorial League championship trophy was a mounting on the wall. It was the decapitated head of Kamara with the inscription “Alvin Kamara: Fantasy Bust 2019”.
“Damn shame about Alvin,” Dalvin Cook said, referencing Kamara’s head. “Dude was the best fantasy running back in football for these Mongooses last year. Got them to the fantasy championship match-up. Statistically, I was the best fantasy running back this year. They say that’s usually a good fantasy barometer. Just feel like a failure. Alvin led this team to a second place finish last year. Best I can do now is third. Third <expletive> place! Injuries, man. <Expletive> injuries!”
Cook left the Vikings’ 39-10 win over the Chargers with a shoulder injury early in the 3rd quarter with only 4.30 fantasy points. Cook was the third Mongoose to suffer an injury in two weeks. The Gooses lost both Calvin Ridley and Rashaad Penny to season-ending injuries just last week.
“Can’t blame injuries, Dalvin,” Adrian Peterson said, after scoring 15.10 fantasy points in the Redskins’ 37-27 loss to the Eagles. “Darius (Slayton) and I stepped right in, combined for 24.20 fantasy point, a couple touchdowns. You wanna blame someone? Blame that <expletive> Terry McLaurin. 75 yard touchdown? <Expletive>, the Eagles defense sucks! <Expletive> rookie! Kid needs to be taught a lesson. Where’s my switch at?”
The loss sends the Mongooses to the 3rd Place Game against I Just Had Rex.
“Don’t get me wrong. This is a failure,” Kirk Cousins said. “We fully expected to win that fantasy championship. 2016 was incredible. Last year, put up 150 <expletive> fantasy points in the championship and lost! We had it! <Expletive>! Least we can do now is secure third place, finish in the money. That’s our goal now. Mongooses never quit! Mongooses will fight! Mongooses will prevail! Right Alvin?”
Kamara did not respond.
“This is worst day of my life,” Brees said after setting the passing touchdown record and throwing 29-for-30 and four touchdowns in the Saints' 34-7 win over the Colts. “When are people going to realize? I threw every one of those touchdown passes for one reason: fantasy points. I knew it was a long shot, down 60 points going into the game, but after that 40-point outing last week, I was feeling good, feeling lucky, feeling -- I don't know -- like, historically relevant. I guess I was wrong. I’m worthless, almost as worthless as Alvin Kamara.”
Brees gestured toward the nearby trophy case in the Fighting Mongooses facility. Next to the 2016 Kevin Ware Memorial League championship trophy was a mounting on the wall. It was the decapitated head of Kamara with the inscription “Alvin Kamara: Fantasy Bust 2019”.
“Damn shame about Alvin,” Dalvin Cook said, referencing Kamara’s head. “Dude was the best fantasy running back in football for these Mongooses last year. Got them to the fantasy championship match-up. Statistically, I was the best fantasy running back this year. They say that’s usually a good fantasy barometer. Just feel like a failure. Alvin led this team to a second place finish last year. Best I can do now is third. Third <expletive> place! Injuries, man. <Expletive> injuries!”
Cook left the Vikings’ 39-10 win over the Chargers with a shoulder injury early in the 3rd quarter with only 4.30 fantasy points. Cook was the third Mongoose to suffer an injury in two weeks. The Gooses lost both Calvin Ridley and Rashaad Penny to season-ending injuries just last week.
“Can’t blame injuries, Dalvin,” Adrian Peterson said, after scoring 15.10 fantasy points in the Redskins’ 37-27 loss to the Eagles. “Darius (Slayton) and I stepped right in, combined for 24.20 fantasy point, a couple touchdowns. You wanna blame someone? Blame that <expletive> Terry McLaurin. 75 yard touchdown? <Expletive>, the Eagles defense sucks! <Expletive> rookie! Kid needs to be taught a lesson. Where’s my switch at?”
The loss sends the Mongooses to the 3rd Place Game against I Just Had Rex.
“Don’t get me wrong. This is a failure,” Kirk Cousins said. “We fully expected to win that fantasy championship. 2016 was incredible. Last year, put up 150 <expletive> fantasy points in the championship and lost! We had it! <Expletive>! Least we can do now is secure third place, finish in the money. That’s our goal now. Mongooses never quit! Mongooses will fight! Mongooses will prevail! Right Alvin?”
Kamara did not respond.
MONGOOSES SURVIVE AND ADVANCE
TOP DONG SHOTS FOR DATE WITH UNICORN
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MADISON, Wisconsin (AFP) – Drew Brees scored a match-up and season-high 40.06 fantasy points, and newcomer Jacob Hollister’s 3.40 fantasy points were just enough on Sunday Night Football, as the Fighting Mongooses edged out Favre’s Dong Shots 119.54 – 118.88 in the Kevin Ware Memorial League quarterfinals. With the win, the Fighting Mongooses advance to the league semifinals against The Robot Unicorn.
The Mongooses led 116.14 – 100.18 going into the Sunday Night Football game between the Seahawks and Rams. Former Mongoose-great Robert Woods scored a season-high 18.70 fantasy points for Favre’s Dong Shots, who briefly took the lead, but Hollister’s 4th quarter, 10 yard reception put the Mongooses ahead for good.
“Holy <expletive> that was close!” Hollister said after his first fantasy match-up as a Fighting Mongoose, filling in for the injured Greg Olson. “I mean, I was about to <expletive> blow it. My first day on the job! Woods, man. Had to save his best for us! But Pete Carroll pulled me aside. He said ‘Listen to me. I was put on this Earth for two things. One, calling plays to win fantasy match-ups for the Fighting Mongooses and two, chewing gum, and I’m all out of gum!’ Then he spit his gum in my face, but then he called a play to get me the ball. I caught it. Exhaled a little. Knew we were back ahead. Even caught a touchdown a few plays later. <Expletive> holding call called that <expletive> back. Would have been nice to get some breathing room, but oh well. It was enough. Guess it’s true what they say: Mongooses never quit! Mongooses will fight! Mongooses will prevail!”
Hollister’s fantasy and reality teammate Rashaad Penny was lost for the season in the match-up, as was Falcons wide receiver Calvin Ridley, but as the injuries piled up, Brees played the role of the hero.
“My only regret is that I might have been too good,” Brees said after the Saints’ 48-46 loss to the 49ers. “I mean, don’t get me wrong. I was in the zone, but I knew the Niners’ defense was on my side. So in the back of my mind, I wasn’t sure if running up the score was the best thing for the team. Then eventually, I was like <expletive> it. Over 35 points, <expletive> doesn’t matter at this point. Alvin (Kamara) sure as <expletive> wasn’t helping out. As it turned out, we needed every <expletive> one of those fantasy points!”
The win marks the third straight victory for the ‘Gooses. Six players finished with double digit fantasy totals, as the team is getting hot at the right time.
“They say it’s better to be lucky than good, but why can’t you have both?” Dalvin Cook added after the Vikings’ 20-7 win over the Lions. “Yeah, we got a little lucky, but that’s what it’s all about this time of year, right? Survive and advance. We also good, like really <expletive> good. Time to ride this momentum to the <expletive> championship, man. Let’s <expletive> go!”
The Fighting Mongooses look to continue their good fortunes next week against The Robot Unicorn in the Kevin Ware Memorial League semifinals.
The Mongooses led 116.14 – 100.18 going into the Sunday Night Football game between the Seahawks and Rams. Former Mongoose-great Robert Woods scored a season-high 18.70 fantasy points for Favre’s Dong Shots, who briefly took the lead, but Hollister’s 4th quarter, 10 yard reception put the Mongooses ahead for good.
“Holy <expletive> that was close!” Hollister said after his first fantasy match-up as a Fighting Mongoose, filling in for the injured Greg Olson. “I mean, I was about to <expletive> blow it. My first day on the job! Woods, man. Had to save his best for us! But Pete Carroll pulled me aside. He said ‘Listen to me. I was put on this Earth for two things. One, calling plays to win fantasy match-ups for the Fighting Mongooses and two, chewing gum, and I’m all out of gum!’ Then he spit his gum in my face, but then he called a play to get me the ball. I caught it. Exhaled a little. Knew we were back ahead. Even caught a touchdown a few plays later. <Expletive> holding call called that <expletive> back. Would have been nice to get some breathing room, but oh well. It was enough. Guess it’s true what they say: Mongooses never quit! Mongooses will fight! Mongooses will prevail!”
Hollister’s fantasy and reality teammate Rashaad Penny was lost for the season in the match-up, as was Falcons wide receiver Calvin Ridley, but as the injuries piled up, Brees played the role of the hero.
“My only regret is that I might have been too good,” Brees said after the Saints’ 48-46 loss to the 49ers. “I mean, don’t get me wrong. I was in the zone, but I knew the Niners’ defense was on my side. So in the back of my mind, I wasn’t sure if running up the score was the best thing for the team. Then eventually, I was like <expletive> it. Over 35 points, <expletive> doesn’t matter at this point. Alvin (Kamara) sure as <expletive> wasn’t helping out. As it turned out, we needed every <expletive> one of those fantasy points!”
The win marks the third straight victory for the ‘Gooses. Six players finished with double digit fantasy totals, as the team is getting hot at the right time.
“They say it’s better to be lucky than good, but why can’t you have both?” Dalvin Cook added after the Vikings’ 20-7 win over the Lions. “Yeah, we got a little lucky, but that’s what it’s all about this time of year, right? Survive and advance. We also good, like really <expletive> good. Time to ride this momentum to the <expletive> championship, man. Let’s <expletive> go!”
The Fighting Mongooses look to continue their good fortunes next week against The Robot Unicorn in the Kevin Ware Memorial League semifinals.
A Thorough Victory Over Cohenborough
Mongooses Head to KWML Playoffs
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HOUSTON, Texas (AFP) – Kenny Golladay scored a match-up-high 25.80 fantasy points, Kirk Cousins added 21.04 fantasy points and the Fighting Mongooses (8-5) clinched the three seed in the 2019 Kevin Ware Memorial League playoffs with a 123.10 – 100.64 win over Dan Cohenborough (10-3).
“You know what I’m thankful for?” Golladay asked reporters’ after the Lions’ 24-20 loss to the Bears on Thanksgiving. “David <expletive> Blough. Hall of Famer. Calling it right now. As long as he keeps feeding me them 75 yard touchdowns! Well, if he doesn’t, you can bet your <expletive> I’ll turn on him like the colonists turned on the natives. I’ll slaughter him and his <expletive> Boilermaker brethren in the thousands and leave a brutal, ruthless, yet awkward history to tell for generations.”
Golladay smiled.
“Happy Thanksgiving, Drew!” he said to Drew Brees, who was looking on, in disgust.
The Fighting Mongooses finish the season third in both the standings and in points, failing to claim the points title for the third time in four years. After finishing on top in Points For in 2016 and 2018, the Gooses finished the 2019 regular season with 1,686.56 fantasy points, just 2.06 fantasy points behind Dan Cohenborough and 38.44 fantasy points behind the Robot Unicorn.
“That’s tough,” Cousins said after the Vikings’ 37-30 loss to the Seahawks. “That was a goal of ours. Gotta at least get that money back. We knew it was a longshot. Had to win by 25 and outscore that unicorn by 30, but Mongooses never quit. Mongooses fight! Mongooses will prevail! We may have come up short of that points title. Guess we’ll just have to settle for winning the whole <expletive> thing! Let’s go! Let’s <expletive> go!”
The Mongooses will face Favre’s Dong Shots (7-6) in the Kevin Ware Memorial League quarterfinals. The Dick Pics won the regular season match-up 104.26 – 90.10 back in week 5, the lowest fantasy point total of the season for the Fighting Mongooses and the only week the team failed to reach the 100 point plateau.
“Dat wuz <expletive> emburuzin, yo” Alvin Kamara said after the Saints’ 26-18 win over the Falcons. “Dey did’n even chek dey lineup. Staht’d two guyz on a bye! Dey still <expletive> won! Nah. Dat ain’t uz, man. Dat ain’t hapnin’ again. 2018 Kamara comin’ at ya. Yooz bez be ready. Right, Dalvin?”
Dalvin Cook and Stefon Diggs are still lying motionless on the turf at Century Link Field. The Vikings decided it was best for everyone if they were just left them for dead so we could all move on with our lives. They are both questionable for the fantasy playoffs.
“You know what I’m thankful for?” Golladay asked reporters’ after the Lions’ 24-20 loss to the Bears on Thanksgiving. “David <expletive> Blough. Hall of Famer. Calling it right now. As long as he keeps feeding me them 75 yard touchdowns! Well, if he doesn’t, you can bet your <expletive> I’ll turn on him like the colonists turned on the natives. I’ll slaughter him and his <expletive> Boilermaker brethren in the thousands and leave a brutal, ruthless, yet awkward history to tell for generations.”
Golladay smiled.
“Happy Thanksgiving, Drew!” he said to Drew Brees, who was looking on, in disgust.
The Fighting Mongooses finish the season third in both the standings and in points, failing to claim the points title for the third time in four years. After finishing on top in Points For in 2016 and 2018, the Gooses finished the 2019 regular season with 1,686.56 fantasy points, just 2.06 fantasy points behind Dan Cohenborough and 38.44 fantasy points behind the Robot Unicorn.
“That’s tough,” Cousins said after the Vikings’ 37-30 loss to the Seahawks. “That was a goal of ours. Gotta at least get that money back. We knew it was a longshot. Had to win by 25 and outscore that unicorn by 30, but Mongooses never quit. Mongooses fight! Mongooses will prevail! We may have come up short of that points title. Guess we’ll just have to settle for winning the whole <expletive> thing! Let’s go! Let’s <expletive> go!”
The Mongooses will face Favre’s Dong Shots (7-6) in the Kevin Ware Memorial League quarterfinals. The Dick Pics won the regular season match-up 104.26 – 90.10 back in week 5, the lowest fantasy point total of the season for the Fighting Mongooses and the only week the team failed to reach the 100 point plateau.
“Dat wuz <expletive> emburuzin, yo” Alvin Kamara said after the Saints’ 26-18 win over the Falcons. “Dey did’n even chek dey lineup. Staht’d two guyz on a bye! Dey still <expletive> won! Nah. Dat ain’t uz, man. Dat ain’t hapnin’ again. 2018 Kamara comin’ at ya. Yooz bez be ready. Right, Dalvin?”
Dalvin Cook and Stefon Diggs are still lying motionless on the turf at Century Link Field. The Vikings decided it was best for everyone if they were just left them for dead so we could all move on with our lives. They are both questionable for the fantasy playoffs.
FIGHTING MONGOOSES DESTROY THE DOCTOR
IN PENULTIMATE REGULAR SEASON GAME
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WILKES-BARRE, Pennsylvania (AFP) – Drew Brees scored a team-high 22.44 fantasy points, newcomers Benny Snell Jr. and Younghoe Koo combined for 21.30 fantasy points, and the Fighting Mongooses (7-5) defeated Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius (4-8) 131.44 – 64.28 in Week 12 of the Kevin Ware Memorial League season.
“Great to have an easy win this time of year,” Brees said after the Saints’ dramatic 34-31 win over the Falcons. “Just glad Atlanta kept scoring. That gave me a chance to score more points. Playoffs around the corner. Doing everything we can to go after that points title! Who dat? Mongooses, that’s who dat!”
Will Fuller V returned to action and got the Mongooses off to a great start on Thursday Night Football with 14.00 fantasy points in the Texans’ 20-17 win over the Colts. Fuller V missed three games due to what was thought to be an injury; apparently, it was an elaborate plan by an old Mongooses nemesis.
“That <expletive>-er Troy McClure,” Fuller V explained. “<Expletive>-er kidnaps Greg Olson earlier this year. I thought Harrison (Butker) killed that freak. That’s what I was told, anyway, but that guys is definitely alive! Yellow, but alive. He just kept saying ‘you cannot kill Troy McClure’ and that I would know who he is. OK, like for example, he’d say ‘you might remember me from such fantasy films as Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius: No One Understands My Team Name; Avery’s So Big!: When Toddlers Attack; and Favre’s Dong Shots: The Bye Week Blues…’”
Snell made his fantasy debut with the Fighting Mongooses this week, scoring 10.30 fantasy points in the Steelers’ 16-10 win over the Bengals.
“This was just too <expletive> perfect,” Snell said. “Went up to Mike Tomlin and I told him, ‘just give me all the <expletive> carries,’ and you know what? He did. So then I went up to him again and I said, ‘Mason (Rudolph) ain’t a Mongooses no more. So there’s no point in <expletive> playing him. Just bench that loser for, I don’t know, a duck or something.’ Next thing I knew, that racist son of a <expletive> was on the bench and Duck Hodges was in. 1.90 fantasy points! So <expletive> perfect!”
“… BlainesRealAmericans: Recaps Are So Last Year,” Fuller V continued. “BitchInTheKitchens: It’s Always Golf Season; I Just Had Rex: What City Am I In?; and Dan Cohenborough: Devendorf’s Army Conquered…”
“I once had a team named after me in this league,” Koo recalled. “One day, I hope Troy McClure stars in a movie about me. Something like Younghoe Koo: Bros Before Hoes.”
“… Heavy Salmon: Trust Me, You Don’t Want to Know,” Fuller V continued. “The Robot Unicorn: Where Fantasy Meets Robotics; #PowerMoves: Mama Isn’t Back Yet; and Canadian Tuxedos: First to Worst… <Expletive>! That guy just wouldn’t shut up!”
The Fighting Mongooses close the regular season against first place Dan Cohenborough. The Mongooses fell to this franchise back in week two, when they were known as Devendorf’s Army.
“Great to have an easy win this time of year,” Brees said after the Saints’ dramatic 34-31 win over the Falcons. “Just glad Atlanta kept scoring. That gave me a chance to score more points. Playoffs around the corner. Doing everything we can to go after that points title! Who dat? Mongooses, that’s who dat!”
Will Fuller V returned to action and got the Mongooses off to a great start on Thursday Night Football with 14.00 fantasy points in the Texans’ 20-17 win over the Colts. Fuller V missed three games due to what was thought to be an injury; apparently, it was an elaborate plan by an old Mongooses nemesis.
“That <expletive>-er Troy McClure,” Fuller V explained. “<Expletive>-er kidnaps Greg Olson earlier this year. I thought Harrison (Butker) killed that freak. That’s what I was told, anyway, but that guys is definitely alive! Yellow, but alive. He just kept saying ‘you cannot kill Troy McClure’ and that I would know who he is. OK, like for example, he’d say ‘you might remember me from such fantasy films as Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius: No One Understands My Team Name; Avery’s So Big!: When Toddlers Attack; and Favre’s Dong Shots: The Bye Week Blues…’”
Snell made his fantasy debut with the Fighting Mongooses this week, scoring 10.30 fantasy points in the Steelers’ 16-10 win over the Bengals.
“This was just too <expletive> perfect,” Snell said. “Went up to Mike Tomlin and I told him, ‘just give me all the <expletive> carries,’ and you know what? He did. So then I went up to him again and I said, ‘Mason (Rudolph) ain’t a Mongooses no more. So there’s no point in <expletive> playing him. Just bench that loser for, I don’t know, a duck or something.’ Next thing I knew, that racist son of a <expletive> was on the bench and Duck Hodges was in. 1.90 fantasy points! So <expletive> perfect!”
“… BlainesRealAmericans: Recaps Are So Last Year,” Fuller V continued. “BitchInTheKitchens: It’s Always Golf Season; I Just Had Rex: What City Am I In?; and Dan Cohenborough: Devendorf’s Army Conquered…”
“I once had a team named after me in this league,” Koo recalled. “One day, I hope Troy McClure stars in a movie about me. Something like Younghoe Koo: Bros Before Hoes.”
“… Heavy Salmon: Trust Me, You Don’t Want to Know,” Fuller V continued. “The Robot Unicorn: Where Fantasy Meets Robotics; #PowerMoves: Mama Isn’t Back Yet; and Canadian Tuxedos: First to Worst… <Expletive>! That guy just wouldn’t shut up!”
The Fighting Mongooses close the regular season against first place Dan Cohenborough. The Mongooses fell to this franchise back in week two, when they were known as Devendorf’s Army.
ALLEN LEADS FIGHTING MONGOOSES
TO WIN OVER THAT BITCHINTHEKITCHENS
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/preview.jpg?1574183717)
ORLANDO, Florida (AFP) – Josh Allen scored a career-high 37.84 fantasy points, Stefon Diggs and Calvin Ridley added 22.10 and 20.30 fantasy points respectively, and the Fighting Mongooses (6-5) defeated BitchInTheKitchens (4-7) 161.36 – 114.16. The much-needed fantasy victory snaps a two-week losing streak and puts the Mongooses in 3rd place with two weeks to go.
“<Expletive>, it feels good to win!” Allen exclaimed after the Bills’ 37-20 win over the Dolphins. “I kept saying ‘put me in. Put me in,’ and look what happens. <Expletive>, I put up more fantasy points than the Bills put up reality points! Bills Mafia is happy, but more importantly, Mongoose Mafia is happy and trust me, you don’t want to <expletive> with Mongoose Mafia, not after two straight losses. Those <expletive>-ers are crazy!”
“It was about time Josh (Allen) and I stepped up,” Ridley added, after the Falcons’ 29-3 win over the Panthers. “We came over in that trade together, and it’s just been <expletive> luck since then. Faced the highest-scoring team of the week two weeks in a row. Now it’s our turn! 161, <expletives>! Number one this week, <expletives>!”
The San Francisco defense added 17.00 fantasy points to the Fighting Mongooses’ cause, scoring a defensive touchdown on the final play of the game.
“Everyone callin’ that a bad beat, winning by ten, covering the spread on the last play, but that ain’t it,” D.J. Reed said after scoring that final touchdown in the 49ers’ 36-26 win over the Cardinals. “Nah, we didn’t do that for Vegas. We did that for fantasy <expletive> football! Gotta get those 6 points for the Mongooses. Tie-breakers are gonna be huge this year. Thanks, J.R. Sweezy! <Expletive> sleazy Sweezy makin’ <expletive> easy!”
Seven Mongooses finished with double-digit fantasy points, including Saints’ Drew Brees and Alvin Kamara, as well as the Vikings’ Dalvin Cook.
“I guess you could say… there were too many Cooks in the Kitchens,” Cook said after scoring 11.70 fantasy points in the Vikings’ 27-23 win over the Broncos. “Been waiting all season for that one.”
The Fighting Mongooses face Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius (4-7) next week. The Mongooses defeated the doctor 141.62 – 85.76 back in week one, despite the kidnapping of Greg Olson.
“<Expletive>, it feels good to win!” Allen exclaimed after the Bills’ 37-20 win over the Dolphins. “I kept saying ‘put me in. Put me in,’ and look what happens. <Expletive>, I put up more fantasy points than the Bills put up reality points! Bills Mafia is happy, but more importantly, Mongoose Mafia is happy and trust me, you don’t want to <expletive> with Mongoose Mafia, not after two straight losses. Those <expletive>-ers are crazy!”
“It was about time Josh (Allen) and I stepped up,” Ridley added, after the Falcons’ 29-3 win over the Panthers. “We came over in that trade together, and it’s just been <expletive> luck since then. Faced the highest-scoring team of the week two weeks in a row. Now it’s our turn! 161, <expletives>! Number one this week, <expletives>!”
The San Francisco defense added 17.00 fantasy points to the Fighting Mongooses’ cause, scoring a defensive touchdown on the final play of the game.
“Everyone callin’ that a bad beat, winning by ten, covering the spread on the last play, but that ain’t it,” D.J. Reed said after scoring that final touchdown in the 49ers’ 36-26 win over the Cardinals. “Nah, we didn’t do that for Vegas. We did that for fantasy <expletive> football! Gotta get those 6 points for the Mongooses. Tie-breakers are gonna be huge this year. Thanks, J.R. Sweezy! <Expletive> sleazy Sweezy makin’ <expletive> easy!”
Seven Mongooses finished with double-digit fantasy points, including Saints’ Drew Brees and Alvin Kamara, as well as the Vikings’ Dalvin Cook.
“I guess you could say… there were too many Cooks in the Kitchens,” Cook said after scoring 11.70 fantasy points in the Vikings’ 27-23 win over the Broncos. “Been waiting all season for that one.”
The Fighting Mongooses face Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius (4-7) next week. The Mongooses defeated the doctor 141.62 – 85.76 back in week one, despite the kidnapping of Greg Olson.
Cook Continues to Cook,
Mongooses Face Tough Luck Against Heavy Salmon
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/dalvin-cook.jpg?1573680777)
ALLENTOWN, Pennsylvania (AFP) – Dalvin Cook scored a team-high 24.30 fantasy points, but for the second straight week, the Fighting Mongooses (5-5) faced the highest-scoring team of the week, falling to Heavy Salmon (6-4) 177.00 – 135.28.
“OK, this <expletive> is getting annoying,” Cook said after the Vikings’ 28-24 win over the Cowboys. “<Expletive> Yahoo! and their projections! Should have been an easy win, but no! By the time I even get on the field on Sunday night, it’s already over!”
The Fighting Mongooses were unlucky yet again, as Kyler Murray, Christian Kirk and Aaron Jones combined for 93.86 fantasy points for Heavy Salmon.
“Un-<expletive>-believable,” Kenny Golladay added, after scoring 15.70 fantasy points in the Lions’ 20-13 loss to the Bears. “I’m out here grabbing touchdowns from a cat named Jeff Driskel. Jeff <expletive> Driskel. I am leading the <expletive> league in touchdown receptions! Leading the <expletive> league! What more do you want from me?”
“We can all learn from this,” Kirk Cousins added, after scoring 19.30 fantasy points. “Look at Murray and Kirk. Two teammates in Arizona. Two teammates on Heavy Salmon. They connect for three touchdowns, including a long one. It was just like what me and (Stefon) Diggs did back in week 6 against the Robot Unicorn. We have to recapture that magic. And we will. Oh yes, we will.”
Diggs smiled.
“Good, let the hate flow through you,” he said.
The Fighting Mongooses drop from 5th to 6th in the Kevin Ware Memorial League standings. One of seven teams at 5-4 going into the week, the ‘Gooses are now one of three teams at 5-5. The team holds the final playoff spot at the moment thanks to the Points For tiebreaker.
“This is it,” Harrison Butker said after scoring 15.00 fantasy points in the Chiefs’ 35-32 loss to the Titans. “Time to make a run. I’ll <expletive> try to kick a 90 yard field goal for this fantasy team. I don’t <expletive> care if they get blocked like this one in Tennessee. Butker is out here ready to kick butt! Mongooses never quit, Mongooses will fight, and in the end, Mongooses will prevail! Let’s <expletive> go!”
Harrison Butker is a true American hero.
The Fighting Mongooses will look to turn their luck around and snap their two week losing streak against BitchInTheKitchens (4-6) next week.
“OK, this <expletive> is getting annoying,” Cook said after the Vikings’ 28-24 win over the Cowboys. “<Expletive> Yahoo! and their projections! Should have been an easy win, but no! By the time I even get on the field on Sunday night, it’s already over!”
The Fighting Mongooses were unlucky yet again, as Kyler Murray, Christian Kirk and Aaron Jones combined for 93.86 fantasy points for Heavy Salmon.
“Un-<expletive>-believable,” Kenny Golladay added, after scoring 15.70 fantasy points in the Lions’ 20-13 loss to the Bears. “I’m out here grabbing touchdowns from a cat named Jeff Driskel. Jeff <expletive> Driskel. I am leading the <expletive> league in touchdown receptions! Leading the <expletive> league! What more do you want from me?”
“We can all learn from this,” Kirk Cousins added, after scoring 19.30 fantasy points. “Look at Murray and Kirk. Two teammates in Arizona. Two teammates on Heavy Salmon. They connect for three touchdowns, including a long one. It was just like what me and (Stefon) Diggs did back in week 6 against the Robot Unicorn. We have to recapture that magic. And we will. Oh yes, we will.”
Diggs smiled.
“Good, let the hate flow through you,” he said.
The Fighting Mongooses drop from 5th to 6th in the Kevin Ware Memorial League standings. One of seven teams at 5-4 going into the week, the ‘Gooses are now one of three teams at 5-5. The team holds the final playoff spot at the moment thanks to the Points For tiebreaker.
“This is it,” Harrison Butker said after scoring 15.00 fantasy points in the Chiefs’ 35-32 loss to the Titans. “Time to make a run. I’ll <expletive> try to kick a 90 yard field goal for this fantasy team. I don’t <expletive> care if they get blocked like this one in Tennessee. Butker is out here ready to kick butt! Mongooses never quit, Mongooses will fight, and in the end, Mongooses will prevail! Let’s <expletive> go!”
Harrison Butker is a true American hero.
The Fighting Mongooses will look to turn their luck around and snap their two week losing streak against BitchInTheKitchens (4-6) next week.
Fighting Mongooses Put Up Fight,
Fall to Mama’s Back
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/golladay.jpg?1573680664)
NEW YORK, NY (AFP) – Kenny Golladay scored a team-high 23.80 fantasy points, Kirk Cousins added 21.30 fantasy points, but the Fighting Mongooses (5-4) fell to Mama’s Back (5-4) 145.42 – 130.60. The 145.42 fantasy points for Mama’s Back was the highest total in the league in Week 9.
“These are the frustrating losses,” Golladay said from the pitcher’s mound after the Lions’ 31-24 defeat to the Raiders. “I’m hitting that homerun play, like consistently. That’s seven touchdowns this year. Seven! <Expletive>! Seven ‘Gooses in double figures today, too! That <expletive> ain’t right! We should have <expletive> won!”
The Fighting Mongooses were behind the 8 ball from the beginning, as the San Francisco defense recorded just 3.00 fantasy points on Thursday Night Football.
Duke Johnson put up 14.10 fantast points Sunday morning, as the Texans beat the Jaguars 26-3 in London, but his effort was negated by Carlos Hyde, who matched him with 14.00 fantasy points in that same game for Mama’s Back.
“Things were going great, man.” Johnson said. “Got the start. One yard line. <Expletive> vultured a scored away from Carlos. Then that little <expletive> goes for 160 <expletive> yards. At least he fumbled two points away. <Expletive> tool. Should drown that <expletive> in the Thames.”
The 14.82 fantasy point loss can be blamed on two players for Mama’s Back: Christian McCaffrey and DK Metcalf. The rookie Seattle receiver scored a career-high 25.00 fantasy points, while the Carolina running back continued his MVP season with a 38.60 fantasy point performance.
“I looked at Christian and I was like, ‘give me a <expletive> break, dude,’” Greg Olsen said after the Panthers’ 30-20 win over the Titans. “We’re out here trying to win a <expletive> fantasy matchup and this guys just keeps muscling his way to the top. It’s a real Power Move… Power Move.”
Mama’s Back has since re-branded as #PowerMoves
“Even in defeat, the Fighting Mongooses have the competition second guessing everything,” Cousins said. “We’ll see who has the last laugh.”
The Fighting Mongooses face Heavy Salmon (5-4) next week.
“These are the frustrating losses,” Golladay said from the pitcher’s mound after the Lions’ 31-24 defeat to the Raiders. “I’m hitting that homerun play, like consistently. That’s seven touchdowns this year. Seven! <Expletive>! Seven ‘Gooses in double figures today, too! That <expletive> ain’t right! We should have <expletive> won!”
The Fighting Mongooses were behind the 8 ball from the beginning, as the San Francisco defense recorded just 3.00 fantasy points on Thursday Night Football.
Duke Johnson put up 14.10 fantast points Sunday morning, as the Texans beat the Jaguars 26-3 in London, but his effort was negated by Carlos Hyde, who matched him with 14.00 fantasy points in that same game for Mama’s Back.
“Things were going great, man.” Johnson said. “Got the start. One yard line. <Expletive> vultured a scored away from Carlos. Then that little <expletive> goes for 160 <expletive> yards. At least he fumbled two points away. <Expletive> tool. Should drown that <expletive> in the Thames.”
The 14.82 fantasy point loss can be blamed on two players for Mama’s Back: Christian McCaffrey and DK Metcalf. The rookie Seattle receiver scored a career-high 25.00 fantasy points, while the Carolina running back continued his MVP season with a 38.60 fantasy point performance.
“I looked at Christian and I was like, ‘give me a <expletive> break, dude,’” Greg Olsen said after the Panthers’ 30-20 win over the Titans. “We’re out here trying to win a <expletive> fantasy matchup and this guys just keeps muscling his way to the top. It’s a real Power Move… Power Move.”
Mama’s Back has since re-branded as #PowerMoves
“Even in defeat, the Fighting Mongooses have the competition second guessing everything,” Cousins said. “We’ll see who has the last laugh.”
The Fighting Mongooses face Heavy Salmon (5-4) next week.
FIGHTING MONGOOSES NEVER QUIT
IN WIN OVER I JUST HAD REX
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/brees.jpg?1572712345)
SCRANTON, Pennsylvania (AFP) – Kenny Golladay scored a team-high 26.30 fantasy points and in his glorious comeback, Drew Brees added 24.92 fantasy points, as the Fighting Mongooses (5-3) defeated I Just Had Rex (5-3) 144.02 – 128.08 to move into 4th place in the Kevin Ware Memorial League standings.
“<Expletive>, it’s good to be back!” Brees said after the Saints’ 31-9 win over the Cardinals. “Five <expletive> weeks on the sidelines. That’s not me. Back when Aaron Donald exploded my hand, I had to look at myself in the mirror. Kept asking myself, ‘Who am I? Am I a Tuxedo? No. Am I a Unicorn? No. Am I a <expletive> BitchInTheKitchens? <Expletive> no! I’m a Mongoose and Mongooses never quit! Mongooses fight! Mongooses prevail!’ Yeah, that’s all I needed to get back on the field. Well, that and surgery. Thank God for doctors.”
“Yeah, doctors,” AJ Green added after missing his 8th straight game to start the season. “<Expletive> them! Clear me already! I got Mongoose <expletive> to do!”
“Next mongoose up, man,” Dalvin Cook said, after scoring 23.10 fantasy points in the Vikings’ 19-9 win over the Redskins. “Gooses of a feather, we flock together. I scored. <Expletive>, even Duke (Johnson), man, he stepped up. Got a touchdown for us. Mongooses never quit. Well, except JD McKissic. Thought he we Mongooses material. Guess not.”
McKissic has not been seen since his 0.10 fantasy point performance in the Lions’ 31-26 win over the Giants. He presumed dead.
“Target practice,” Harrison Butker added.
Four Mongooses reached the 20 fantasy point plateau. Joining Golladay, Brees and Cook, the San Francisco defense also finished with 20.00 fantasy points.
“I may be young, but I know a mob of Mongooses when I see one and this mob, it’s a <expletive> beautiful thing!” Nick Bosa said after the 49ers’ 51-13 win over the Panthers. “Our unit cares about one thing and one thing only: fantasy <expletive> football. Let’s go win this <expletive> thing!”
The Fighting Mongooses face Mama’s Back (4-4) next week.
“<Expletive>, it’s good to be back!” Brees said after the Saints’ 31-9 win over the Cardinals. “Five <expletive> weeks on the sidelines. That’s not me. Back when Aaron Donald exploded my hand, I had to look at myself in the mirror. Kept asking myself, ‘Who am I? Am I a Tuxedo? No. Am I a Unicorn? No. Am I a <expletive> BitchInTheKitchens? <Expletive> no! I’m a Mongoose and Mongooses never quit! Mongooses fight! Mongooses prevail!’ Yeah, that’s all I needed to get back on the field. Well, that and surgery. Thank God for doctors.”
“Yeah, doctors,” AJ Green added after missing his 8th straight game to start the season. “<Expletive> them! Clear me already! I got Mongoose <expletive> to do!”
“Next mongoose up, man,” Dalvin Cook said, after scoring 23.10 fantasy points in the Vikings’ 19-9 win over the Redskins. “Gooses of a feather, we flock together. I scored. <Expletive>, even Duke (Johnson), man, he stepped up. Got a touchdown for us. Mongooses never quit. Well, except JD McKissic. Thought he we Mongooses material. Guess not.”
McKissic has not been seen since his 0.10 fantasy point performance in the Lions’ 31-26 win over the Giants. He presumed dead.
“Target practice,” Harrison Butker added.
Four Mongooses reached the 20 fantasy point plateau. Joining Golladay, Brees and Cook, the San Francisco defense also finished with 20.00 fantasy points.
“I may be young, but I know a mob of Mongooses when I see one and this mob, it’s a <expletive> beautiful thing!” Nick Bosa said after the 49ers’ 51-13 win over the Panthers. “Our unit cares about one thing and one thing only: fantasy <expletive> football. Let’s go win this <expletive> thing!”
The Fighting Mongooses face Mama’s Back (4-4) next week.
ALLEN ALIGNS WITH MONGOOSES:
JOINS FIGHT AGAINST TODDLER
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/allen.jpg?1571974149)
EL PASO, Texas (AFP) – Kirk Cousins scored a team-high 29.22 fantasy points, Dalvin Cook added 26.90 fantasy points and in his team debut, Josh Allen added 21.28 fantasy points, as the Fighting Mongooses (4-3) defeated Avery’s So Big! (2-5) 139.80 – 136.20.
“Look, I don’t give a <expletive> how big Avery is!” Cousins yelled after the Vikings’ 42-30 win over the Lions. “For all I care, he can be the <expletive> toddler from Honey, I Blew Up the Kid. We’ll still gonna <expletive> beat the <expletive> out of him every <expletive> time! OK? <Expletive> kids trying to play fantasy football! <Expletive> ridiculous!”
Cousins, Cook and Stefon Diggs combined for 70.42 fantasy points in that game for the Fighting Mongooses. They incidentally helped the Vikings win a football game. In that same game, Matthew Stafford and Marvin Jones Jr. combined for 61.86 fantasy points, as the two connected for four touchdowns.
“MARVIN!” Kenny Golladay yelled after being held to just 2.10 fantasy points in that game. “MY TOUCHDOWNS. MY <expletive> TOUCHDOWNS!”
Golladay pushed Jones Jr. into a pit filled with ravenous lions. He watched as Jones Jr. was brutally eaten alive. Golladay began to laugh maniacally.
“I feel better,” Golladay said. “Go Lions!”
Jones Jr. was making his Avery’s So Big! debut. He came over in a trade along with Mohamed Sanu earlier in the week. The Fighting Mongooses also made a trade, picking up Allen and Calvin Ridley. All four newly-acquired players played in the matchup.
“Nobody circles the wagons… like the <expletive> Fighting Mongooses!” Allen yelled. “What a day! What an opportunity! I don’t care if I’m on the bench when Drew (Brees) comes back! I’m just so happy, so <expletive> happy!”
The Fighting Mongooses would not have won without Allen. With Brees, Alvin Kamara and AJ Green all injured, Allen and Ridely – who added 3.00 fantasy points – helped the Mongooses build a lead and hold on, on Monday Night Football, as Le’Veon Bell only recorded 7.60 fantasy points for Avery’s So Big!, securing the close victory.
Bell was not available for comment. A Jets spokesperson said Bell had to call the Ghostbusters.
“At least my quarterback… oh wait,” Ridley said, after the Falcons’ 37-10 loss to the Rams. “Well whatever, with or without Matt Ryan, I’ve got a job to do: put up fantasy points. That’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna do my job.”
“Calvin got a job!” Cook said to Kamara. “Let’s rob that <expletive>.”
The Fighting Mongooses will face I Just Had Rex (5-2) next week.
“Look, I don’t give a <expletive> how big Avery is!” Cousins yelled after the Vikings’ 42-30 win over the Lions. “For all I care, he can be the <expletive> toddler from Honey, I Blew Up the Kid. We’ll still gonna <expletive> beat the <expletive> out of him every <expletive> time! OK? <Expletive> kids trying to play fantasy football! <Expletive> ridiculous!”
Cousins, Cook and Stefon Diggs combined for 70.42 fantasy points in that game for the Fighting Mongooses. They incidentally helped the Vikings win a football game. In that same game, Matthew Stafford and Marvin Jones Jr. combined for 61.86 fantasy points, as the two connected for four touchdowns.
“MARVIN!” Kenny Golladay yelled after being held to just 2.10 fantasy points in that game. “MY TOUCHDOWNS. MY <expletive> TOUCHDOWNS!”
Golladay pushed Jones Jr. into a pit filled with ravenous lions. He watched as Jones Jr. was brutally eaten alive. Golladay began to laugh maniacally.
“I feel better,” Golladay said. “Go Lions!”
Jones Jr. was making his Avery’s So Big! debut. He came over in a trade along with Mohamed Sanu earlier in the week. The Fighting Mongooses also made a trade, picking up Allen and Calvin Ridley. All four newly-acquired players played in the matchup.
“Nobody circles the wagons… like the <expletive> Fighting Mongooses!” Allen yelled. “What a day! What an opportunity! I don’t care if I’m on the bench when Drew (Brees) comes back! I’m just so happy, so <expletive> happy!”
The Fighting Mongooses would not have won without Allen. With Brees, Alvin Kamara and AJ Green all injured, Allen and Ridely – who added 3.00 fantasy points – helped the Mongooses build a lead and hold on, on Monday Night Football, as Le’Veon Bell only recorded 7.60 fantasy points for Avery’s So Big!, securing the close victory.
Bell was not available for comment. A Jets spokesperson said Bell had to call the Ghostbusters.
“At least my quarterback… oh wait,” Ridley said, after the Falcons’ 37-10 loss to the Rams. “Well whatever, with or without Matt Ryan, I’ve got a job to do: put up fantasy points. That’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna do my job.”
“Calvin got a job!” Cook said to Kamara. “Let’s rob that <expletive>.”
The Fighting Mongooses will face I Just Had Rex (5-2) next week.
STEFON DIGGS LEADS MONGOOSES TO BIG WIN
OVER THE ROBOT UNICORN
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/diggs-pic.jpg?1571280562)
MINNEAPOLIS, Minnesota (AFP) – Stefon Diggs scored an astounding 44.50 fantasy points, Kirk Cousins added 35.32 fantasy points, and the Fighting Mongooses (3-3) defeated the Robot Unicorn (3-3) 143.52 – 119.64. The Mongooses improve their record to 500 with the win.
“Man, am I glad I got to Harrison (Butker) fast enough to call off that hit on Kirk (Cousins),” Diggs said after scoring three touchdowns in the Vikings’ 38-20 win over the Eagles. “Dude finally throwing me the deep ball! 44.50. 44.50! You see that potential? He gets 35. That’s how it’s done, folks. That’s how it’s <expletive> done!”
“I can put up those numbers, too,” newly-acquired Will Fuller V said after the Texans’ 31-24 win over the Chiefs. “<Expletive>, just last week, I hit the 40 mark! Had some chances this week, too. Just didn’t haul in them touchdowns. Gotta figure out why. Can’t figure it out.”
Fuller V emerged from a bathtub filled with melted butter. He was tossed a towel by a Fighting Mongooses employee. Fuller V dropped it.
“<Expletive>! What’s going on?!” Fuller V asked.
The Fighting Mongooses found themselves in an early hole, as Daniel Jones and the New England defense gave The Robot Unicorn a 39.24 – 0.00 fantasy point lead after the Patriots’ 35-14 win over the Giants on Thursday night, but thanks to Cousins and Diggs, the Mongooses quickly made up the deficit.
“Kirk (Cousins) did a great job. So did I. We’re a great quarterback duo,” Josh Rosen said after scoring -0.60 fantasy points in the Dolphins’ 17-16 loss to the Redskins. “We combined for like 34-something fantasy points! We work so well together. I mean, just a great team effort.”
Rosen has since been benched by Dolphins coach Brian Flores. By virtue of not playing, his fantasy point total is expected to improve this week.
In that same game, Adrian Peterson added 13.60 fantasy points to the Mongoose effort. Peterson is back with the Fighting Mongooses for the first time since 2014. That year, the Fighting Mongooses drafted Peterson with the top pick, only to see him miss the season due to his insatiable and demented need to beat children.
“Felt good,” Peterson said. “After all these years, it felt really good to contribute to the Fighting Mongooses. Almost as good as it feels with a switch in your hand. So much power, the look in their eyes. Yeah…”
Peterson was visibly aroused.
“Where Duke (Johnson) at?” Peterson asked. “Gotta teach that kid some… manners.”
Mason Rudolph is still very much dead.
The Fighting Mongooses look to start a winning streak when they face Avery’s So Big! (2-4) next week.
“Man, am I glad I got to Harrison (Butker) fast enough to call off that hit on Kirk (Cousins),” Diggs said after scoring three touchdowns in the Vikings’ 38-20 win over the Eagles. “Dude finally throwing me the deep ball! 44.50. 44.50! You see that potential? He gets 35. That’s how it’s done, folks. That’s how it’s <expletive> done!”
“I can put up those numbers, too,” newly-acquired Will Fuller V said after the Texans’ 31-24 win over the Chiefs. “<Expletive>, just last week, I hit the 40 mark! Had some chances this week, too. Just didn’t haul in them touchdowns. Gotta figure out why. Can’t figure it out.”
Fuller V emerged from a bathtub filled with melted butter. He was tossed a towel by a Fighting Mongooses employee. Fuller V dropped it.
“<Expletive>! What’s going on?!” Fuller V asked.
The Fighting Mongooses found themselves in an early hole, as Daniel Jones and the New England defense gave The Robot Unicorn a 39.24 – 0.00 fantasy point lead after the Patriots’ 35-14 win over the Giants on Thursday night, but thanks to Cousins and Diggs, the Mongooses quickly made up the deficit.
“Kirk (Cousins) did a great job. So did I. We’re a great quarterback duo,” Josh Rosen said after scoring -0.60 fantasy points in the Dolphins’ 17-16 loss to the Redskins. “We combined for like 34-something fantasy points! We work so well together. I mean, just a great team effort.”
Rosen has since been benched by Dolphins coach Brian Flores. By virtue of not playing, his fantasy point total is expected to improve this week.
In that same game, Adrian Peterson added 13.60 fantasy points to the Mongoose effort. Peterson is back with the Fighting Mongooses for the first time since 2014. That year, the Fighting Mongooses drafted Peterson with the top pick, only to see him miss the season due to his insatiable and demented need to beat children.
“Felt good,” Peterson said. “After all these years, it felt really good to contribute to the Fighting Mongooses. Almost as good as it feels with a switch in your hand. So much power, the look in their eyes. Yeah…”
Peterson was visibly aroused.
“Where Duke (Johnson) at?” Peterson asked. “Gotta teach that kid some… manners.”
Mason Rudolph is still very much dead.
The Fighting Mongooses look to start a winning streak when they face Avery’s So Big! (2-4) next week.
MASON RUDOLPH DIES AS FIGHTING MONGOOSES
FALL TO FAVRE'S DONG SHOTS
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/usp-nfl-baltimore-ravens-at-pittsburgh-steelers.jpg?1570588010)
SHANNON, Ireland (AFP) -- Kirk Cousins scored a team-high 20.54 fantasy points, Dalvin Cook added 19.80 fantasy points, but for the second time this season, the Fighting Mongooses (2-3) lost a starting quarterback to an injury and subsequently lost their matchup with Favre's Dong Shots (4-1) 104.26 -- 90.10.
Mason Rudolph scored 9.24 fantasy points in the Steelers' 26-23 overtime loss to the Ravens before he was murdered in cold blood by Earl Thomas.
Rudolph was not available for comment, as he is dead.
"Damn shame about Mason (Rudolph)," Cousins said after the Vikings' 28-10 win over the Giants. "Nice kid. Wish him the best in the afterlife. Kid's scoring touchdowns with Kevin Ware now."
"We make a lot of jokes about the treatment of our quarterbacks here," Cook added. "But none of us want our players to actually die. Well, except Harrison (Butker). Dude's a stone-cold killer."
"Damn straight," Butker said, defecating on Rudolph's fantasy grave.
"Football is a dangerous game," Cook continued. "Well, real football. Not this <expletive> stat <expletive>."
Fantasy funeral arrangements have yet to be made. In reality, Rudolph is alive and questionable to play in week 6 against the Chargers.
The Fighting Mongooses' embarrassing loss was even more embarrassing, as Favre's Dong Shots started two players on their bye weeks. Nine Dong Shots outscored eleven Mongooses.
"It was all lined up," Randall Cobb said after scoring 5.30 fantasy points in the Cowboys' 34-24 loss to the Packers. "They clearly didn't <expletive> care. Didn't set their lineup, but I care. I care too <expletive> much. Revenge game against my former team and I <expletive> failed! I'm almost as worthless as Greg <expletive> Olsen!"
Olsen scored 0.00 fantasy points in the Panthers' 34-27 win over the Jaguars.
"These knees, they just can't take it anymore," Greg Olson said from his rocking chair. "Kids these days, they don't appreciate a good block. You see Christian (McCaffrey) run all day? That's me. Back in my day, stats weren't everything. No siree. Excuse me."
Olsen took out his phone and dropped his pants.
"What?" he said to reporters in disgust. "We lost to Favre's Dong Shots. By rule, that means we all have to take a send a dick pic. It's literally in the Kevin Ware Memorial League rule book."
The Fighting Mongooses will clothe themselves and return to action next week against The Robot Unicorn (3-2).
Mason Rudolph scored 9.24 fantasy points in the Steelers' 26-23 overtime loss to the Ravens before he was murdered in cold blood by Earl Thomas.
Rudolph was not available for comment, as he is dead.
"Damn shame about Mason (Rudolph)," Cousins said after the Vikings' 28-10 win over the Giants. "Nice kid. Wish him the best in the afterlife. Kid's scoring touchdowns with Kevin Ware now."
"We make a lot of jokes about the treatment of our quarterbacks here," Cook added. "But none of us want our players to actually die. Well, except Harrison (Butker). Dude's a stone-cold killer."
"Damn straight," Butker said, defecating on Rudolph's fantasy grave.
"Football is a dangerous game," Cook continued. "Well, real football. Not this <expletive> stat <expletive>."
Fantasy funeral arrangements have yet to be made. In reality, Rudolph is alive and questionable to play in week 6 against the Chargers.
The Fighting Mongooses' embarrassing loss was even more embarrassing, as Favre's Dong Shots started two players on their bye weeks. Nine Dong Shots outscored eleven Mongooses.
"It was all lined up," Randall Cobb said after scoring 5.30 fantasy points in the Cowboys' 34-24 loss to the Packers. "They clearly didn't <expletive> care. Didn't set their lineup, but I care. I care too <expletive> much. Revenge game against my former team and I <expletive> failed! I'm almost as worthless as Greg <expletive> Olsen!"
Olsen scored 0.00 fantasy points in the Panthers' 34-27 win over the Jaguars.
"These knees, they just can't take it anymore," Greg Olson said from his rocking chair. "Kids these days, they don't appreciate a good block. You see Christian (McCaffrey) run all day? That's me. Back in my day, stats weren't everything. No siree. Excuse me."
Olsen took out his phone and dropped his pants.
"What?" he said to reporters in disgust. "We lost to Favre's Dong Shots. By rule, that means we all have to take a send a dick pic. It's literally in the Kevin Ware Memorial League rule book."
The Fighting Mongooses will clothe themselves and return to action next week against The Robot Unicorn (3-2).
FIGHTING MONGOOSES TAKE DOWN CANADIAN TUXEDOS
IMPROVE TO 2-2
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/download.jpg?1570208266)
VANCOUVER, British Columbia, Canada (AFP) – Mason Rudolph scored a team-high 20.86 fantasy points, Kenny Golladay added 18.70 fantasy points, and the Fighting Mongooses (2-2) defeated the Canadian Tuxedos (1-3) 114.68 – 70.90.
“You see me catch them touchdowns this week?” Golladay asked rhetorically after the Lions’ 34-30 loss to the Chiefs. “You know how I got them feet down? Ballet. Yeah, I’ve been practicing. I aint scared to admit it. Bye week in Detroit next week. Swan Lake, this weekend. Here some tickets.”
Golladay began to hand out free tickets to his ballet.
“Calvin Johnson is playing Baron Von Rothbart.” Golladay said. “He’s got nothing better to do.”
Luckily for the Fighting Mongooses, the Canadian Tuxedos had a disappointing week and even though Kirk Cousins recorded just 7.32 fantasy points this week, his lowest fantasy point total this season, Rudolph stepped up.
“I’m starting to get the hang of this thing,” Rudolph said after the Steelers’ 27-3 win over the Bengals. “Just keep completing short passes, and then boom! 40 plus yard touchdown! Pile up those fantasy points, baby! I mean, with Drew (Brees) out with that <expletive> thumb injury, I’m the <expletive> guy. Sure as hell aint Kirk (Cousins). I’m your QB 1 now, <expletive>!”
“You’re absolutely right,” Cousins said after the Vikings’ 16-6 loss to the Bears. “I’ve got to be better and I will be.”
“Yeah, you piece of worthless <expletive>!” Josh Rosen added after recording 9.20 fantasy points on the bench during the Dolphins’ 30-10 loss to the Chargers. “Our passing game in Miami is so much better than yours in Minnesota, it’s not even funny. Actually, it’s very funny, because we’re <expletive> tanking and you’re a <expletive> Super Bowl contender. I don’t give a <expletive> about real football, but watch you’re <expletive> back, Kirk. QB 2 is right here, mother <expletive>!”
“Well said, Josh,” Cousins said. “I’ll keep working to improve. Always appreciate some quarterback competition.”
“You’re a <expletive> idiot, Kirk,” Stefon Diggs added, after recording just 8.80 fantasy points this weekend. “OK, you obviously do not understand the nuances of cryptic social media posts. So I’ll say it straight to your face. You <expletive> suck. I wish you weren’t my quarterback in fantasy or in reality. Go <expletive> die in a ditch somewhere.”
“Thanks, Stefon. I really appreciate your honesty and I’m honored to call you a friend,” Cousins said. “I’m going to work hard to improve every day.”
“<Expetive> you!” Diggs yelled at Cousins.
Diggs gave Harrison Butker a certain look. The Chiefs’ kicker, who scored 10.00 fantasy point this week, seemed to make preparations of some sort, and disappeared into the Fighting Mongooses quarterbacks room. Kirk Cousins has a “meeting” later this week.
The Fighting Mongooses face Favre’s Dong Shots (3-1) in week 5.
“You see me catch them touchdowns this week?” Golladay asked rhetorically after the Lions’ 34-30 loss to the Chiefs. “You know how I got them feet down? Ballet. Yeah, I’ve been practicing. I aint scared to admit it. Bye week in Detroit next week. Swan Lake, this weekend. Here some tickets.”
Golladay began to hand out free tickets to his ballet.
“Calvin Johnson is playing Baron Von Rothbart.” Golladay said. “He’s got nothing better to do.”
Luckily for the Fighting Mongooses, the Canadian Tuxedos had a disappointing week and even though Kirk Cousins recorded just 7.32 fantasy points this week, his lowest fantasy point total this season, Rudolph stepped up.
“I’m starting to get the hang of this thing,” Rudolph said after the Steelers’ 27-3 win over the Bengals. “Just keep completing short passes, and then boom! 40 plus yard touchdown! Pile up those fantasy points, baby! I mean, with Drew (Brees) out with that <expletive> thumb injury, I’m the <expletive> guy. Sure as hell aint Kirk (Cousins). I’m your QB 1 now, <expletive>!”
“You’re absolutely right,” Cousins said after the Vikings’ 16-6 loss to the Bears. “I’ve got to be better and I will be.”
“Yeah, you piece of worthless <expletive>!” Josh Rosen added after recording 9.20 fantasy points on the bench during the Dolphins’ 30-10 loss to the Chargers. “Our passing game in Miami is so much better than yours in Minnesota, it’s not even funny. Actually, it’s very funny, because we’re <expletive> tanking and you’re a <expletive> Super Bowl contender. I don’t give a <expletive> about real football, but watch you’re <expletive> back, Kirk. QB 2 is right here, mother <expletive>!”
“Well said, Josh,” Cousins said. “I’ll keep working to improve. Always appreciate some quarterback competition.”
“You’re a <expletive> idiot, Kirk,” Stefon Diggs added, after recording just 8.80 fantasy points this weekend. “OK, you obviously do not understand the nuances of cryptic social media posts. So I’ll say it straight to your face. You <expletive> suck. I wish you weren’t my quarterback in fantasy or in reality. Go <expletive> die in a ditch somewhere.”
“Thanks, Stefon. I really appreciate your honesty and I’m honored to call you a friend,” Cousins said. “I’m going to work hard to improve every day.”
“<Expetive> you!” Diggs yelled at Cousins.
Diggs gave Harrison Butker a certain look. The Chiefs’ kicker, who scored 10.00 fantasy point this week, seemed to make preparations of some sort, and disappeared into the Fighting Mongooses quarterbacks room. Kirk Cousins has a “meeting” later this week.
The Fighting Mongooses face Favre’s Dong Shots (3-1) in week 5.
FIGHTING MONGOOSES FALL TO 1-2
WITH LOSS TO BLAINESREALAMERICANS
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/usatsi-13401580.jpg?1569376602)
MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin (AFP) – Alvin Kamara scored a team-high 28.10 fantasy points, Dalvin Cook added 20.30 fantasy points, but the Fighting Mongooses (1-2) could not overcome the highest-scoring team in the league this week, falling to BlainesRealAmericans (1-2) 161.34 – 131.82.
“Not sure what else Alvin (Kamara) and I can do,” Cook said after the Vikings’ 34-14 win over the Raiders. “I mean, <expletive>, I’ve put up 20 <expletive> fantasy points every <expletive> week. Alvin scores twice. Greg (Olsen) scores twice. <Expletive> carrying the load around here. <Expletive> quarterbacks and wide receivers letting us down!”
Stefon Diggs, Kenny Golladay and Randall Cobb started the three wide receiver positions for the Fighting Mongooses with A.J. Green and Alshon Jeffrey out with injuries. The three wide outs combined for just 5.50 fantasy points.
“<Expletive>!” Cobb said after the Cowboys’ 31-6 win over the Dolphins. “I mean, it’s hard enough when you’re going up against the football juggernaut that is the Miami Dolphins, but now I gotta deal with <expletive> holding calls. 74 yard touchdown wiped out because of Connor <expletive> Williams. Where’s Harrison ‘the Hit Man’ Butker? Dude’s good at murder. I gotta put out a hit on that <expletive> lineman.”
With Drew Brees also injured, Mason Rudolph filled in for the undermanned Fighting Mongooses. He and Kirk Cousins combined for just 31.02 fantasy points, though Josh Rosen did what he could from the bench.
“Everything was just lined up so perfectly,” Rosen said. “I was ready to just go sack, sack, pick, sack, sack pick, just every possession. Why the <expletive> would I care? Helps my Dallas defense fantasy teammates. The more my stats suck on the bench, the better the stats for the defense. But then Brian <expletive> Flores said the tanking was just too obvious. We had to try, like a little bit. <Expletive> ruined everything! Did what I could to help the team – the real team. Just to clarify, that’s the Fighting Mongooses, not the Dolphins.”
The 15.00 fantasy points the Dallas defense recorded was a season-high, but was only good enough to match the Jacksonville defense for BlainesRealAmericans. The BRA’s also got season-highs from Russell Wilson, Jameis Winston and Mike Evans, who combined for an astonishing 103.84 fantasy points.
“Juz wuzn’t our day, man,” Kamara said after the Saints’ 33-27 win over the Seahawks. “But weez gonna be back, man. Mongooses, man, wez neva quit. Wez gonna fight... Not Drew, tho. Dude’z hand iz all <expletive>-ed up. Hez gotsta wait a few weekz.”
The Fighting Mongooses will face the Canadian Tuxedos (1-2) in Week 4, in a key, early season matchup. The Mongooses and Tuxedos are 7th and 8th respectively in the standings and are separated by just 0.78 fantasy points in the tie-breaking “Points For” category.
“Not sure what else Alvin (Kamara) and I can do,” Cook said after the Vikings’ 34-14 win over the Raiders. “I mean, <expletive>, I’ve put up 20 <expletive> fantasy points every <expletive> week. Alvin scores twice. Greg (Olsen) scores twice. <Expletive> carrying the load around here. <Expletive> quarterbacks and wide receivers letting us down!”
Stefon Diggs, Kenny Golladay and Randall Cobb started the three wide receiver positions for the Fighting Mongooses with A.J. Green and Alshon Jeffrey out with injuries. The three wide outs combined for just 5.50 fantasy points.
“<Expletive>!” Cobb said after the Cowboys’ 31-6 win over the Dolphins. “I mean, it’s hard enough when you’re going up against the football juggernaut that is the Miami Dolphins, but now I gotta deal with <expletive> holding calls. 74 yard touchdown wiped out because of Connor <expletive> Williams. Where’s Harrison ‘the Hit Man’ Butker? Dude’s good at murder. I gotta put out a hit on that <expletive> lineman.”
With Drew Brees also injured, Mason Rudolph filled in for the undermanned Fighting Mongooses. He and Kirk Cousins combined for just 31.02 fantasy points, though Josh Rosen did what he could from the bench.
“Everything was just lined up so perfectly,” Rosen said. “I was ready to just go sack, sack, pick, sack, sack pick, just every possession. Why the <expletive> would I care? Helps my Dallas defense fantasy teammates. The more my stats suck on the bench, the better the stats for the defense. But then Brian <expletive> Flores said the tanking was just too obvious. We had to try, like a little bit. <Expletive> ruined everything! Did what I could to help the team – the real team. Just to clarify, that’s the Fighting Mongooses, not the Dolphins.”
The 15.00 fantasy points the Dallas defense recorded was a season-high, but was only good enough to match the Jacksonville defense for BlainesRealAmericans. The BRA’s also got season-highs from Russell Wilson, Jameis Winston and Mike Evans, who combined for an astonishing 103.84 fantasy points.
“Juz wuzn’t our day, man,” Kamara said after the Saints’ 33-27 win over the Seahawks. “But weez gonna be back, man. Mongooses, man, wez neva quit. Wez gonna fight... Not Drew, tho. Dude’z hand iz all <expletive>-ed up. Hez gotsta wait a few weekz.”
The Fighting Mongooses will face the Canadian Tuxedos (1-2) in Week 4, in a key, early season matchup. The Mongooses and Tuxedos are 7th and 8th respectively in the standings and are separated by just 0.78 fantasy points in the tie-breaking “Points For” category.
INJURIES DOOM FIGHTING MONGOOSES
IN LOSS TO DEVENDORF'S ARMY
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/gettyimages-1174887926.jpg?1568781129)
BAY CITY, Michigan (AFP) – Dalvin Cook scored a team-high 29.10 fantasy points, Kenny Golladay added 17.70 fantasy points, and what started out as a promising week of fantasy football ended with injuries and disappointment, as the Fighting Mongooses (1-1) fell to Devendorf’s Army (2-0) 146.38 – 100.22.
Projected to win the matchup going into the late window, both Drew Brees and Alshon Jeffrey were injured in the first quarter of their respective games, combining for -0.48 fantasy points.
“You have got to be <expletive> kidding me!” Cook said after the Vikings’ 21-16 loss to the Packers. “I mean, I’m finally healthy and Drew Brees goes down? Drew <expletive> Brees? Mr. reliable himself? Dude hasn’t missed a <expletive> game since the <expletive> Carter administration. <Expletive>! 15 years starting at least 15 games! Un-<expletive>-believable. Old man gonna pay for <expletive>-ing this season up.”
Cook gestured toward the infamous Fighting Mongooses Quarterbacks Room, the very same room Sam Darnold was violated in by Jared Goff and Kirk Cousins; the very same room Jameis Winston was defiled in by Andy Dalton; the very same room DeMarco Murray abused a young Derrick Henry in: the very same room Brock Osweiler entered, and, well, no one ever saw him again.
“Drew ain’t available for comment.” Cook said.
“Yes. I’ve been in there before,” Cousins said. “I’ve done some terrible things, some unspeakable things in that room. Drew will be taught a lesson, but Dalvin, you listen to me. I don’t care how great of a fantasy running back you are. Keep scoring them touchdowns, them 40 plus touchdowns, but if you take away another <expletive> Fighting Mongooses, double point touchdown from me and Stefon (Diggs) again with a <expletive> pass interference call, I swear that room will be your new <expletive> home! Trust me, you don’t want to know how Sam (Darnold) got mono. Let’s just say it stems from last year’s… punishment.”
Cook and Cousins looked at each other with mutual understanding.
“It’s all about the Mongooses, my brother!” Cook said. “Let’s <expletive> turn this <expletive> around!”
“Man, there are a lot of Vikings here,” Diggs commented.
The Fighting Mongooses ran out to the early lead on Thursday Night Football, after Greg Olsen, the real Greg Olsen, was found alive and well; he subsequently scored 11.00 fantasy points in the Panthers 20-14 loss to the Buccaneers.
“Well that was an ordeal,” Olsen said with gauze still in his nose. “Last week. This guy just jumped me. He kept saying I would remember him from a bunch of movies – I don’t know, he just kept rattling off a bunch of <expletive>. All I know is he had a bad case of jaundice, like a severe case of jaundice. I heard Harrison (Butker) did me a solid and murdered that freak. I owe him a drink or something.”
Olsen’s nose is still bleeding.
“I did what I had to do,” Butker said after scoring 4.00 fantasy points in the Chiefs’ 28-10 win over the Raiders. “But that Eric Devendorf? <Expletive>, man! That army is formidable. If there was a scorers table at MetLife Stadium, I’m sure Baker Mayfield would have stepped up on that <expletive>. They won, but we’ll be ready for that Week 13 rematch.”
The Fighting Mongooses will be active on the waiver wire, as they look to bounce back in Week 3 against BlainesRealAmericans.
Projected to win the matchup going into the late window, both Drew Brees and Alshon Jeffrey were injured in the first quarter of their respective games, combining for -0.48 fantasy points.
“You have got to be <expletive> kidding me!” Cook said after the Vikings’ 21-16 loss to the Packers. “I mean, I’m finally healthy and Drew Brees goes down? Drew <expletive> Brees? Mr. reliable himself? Dude hasn’t missed a <expletive> game since the <expletive> Carter administration. <Expletive>! 15 years starting at least 15 games! Un-<expletive>-believable. Old man gonna pay for <expletive>-ing this season up.”
Cook gestured toward the infamous Fighting Mongooses Quarterbacks Room, the very same room Sam Darnold was violated in by Jared Goff and Kirk Cousins; the very same room Jameis Winston was defiled in by Andy Dalton; the very same room DeMarco Murray abused a young Derrick Henry in: the very same room Brock Osweiler entered, and, well, no one ever saw him again.
“Drew ain’t available for comment.” Cook said.
“Yes. I’ve been in there before,” Cousins said. “I’ve done some terrible things, some unspeakable things in that room. Drew will be taught a lesson, but Dalvin, you listen to me. I don’t care how great of a fantasy running back you are. Keep scoring them touchdowns, them 40 plus touchdowns, but if you take away another <expletive> Fighting Mongooses, double point touchdown from me and Stefon (Diggs) again with a <expletive> pass interference call, I swear that room will be your new <expletive> home! Trust me, you don’t want to know how Sam (Darnold) got mono. Let’s just say it stems from last year’s… punishment.”
Cook and Cousins looked at each other with mutual understanding.
“It’s all about the Mongooses, my brother!” Cook said. “Let’s <expletive> turn this <expletive> around!”
“Man, there are a lot of Vikings here,” Diggs commented.
The Fighting Mongooses ran out to the early lead on Thursday Night Football, after Greg Olsen, the real Greg Olsen, was found alive and well; he subsequently scored 11.00 fantasy points in the Panthers 20-14 loss to the Buccaneers.
“Well that was an ordeal,” Olsen said with gauze still in his nose. “Last week. This guy just jumped me. He kept saying I would remember him from a bunch of movies – I don’t know, he just kept rattling off a bunch of <expletive>. All I know is he had a bad case of jaundice, like a severe case of jaundice. I heard Harrison (Butker) did me a solid and murdered that freak. I owe him a drink or something.”
Olsen’s nose is still bleeding.
“I did what I had to do,” Butker said after scoring 4.00 fantasy points in the Chiefs’ 28-10 win over the Raiders. “But that Eric Devendorf? <Expletive>, man! That army is formidable. If there was a scorers table at MetLife Stadium, I’m sure Baker Mayfield would have stepped up on that <expletive>. They won, but we’ll be ready for that Week 13 rematch.”
The Fighting Mongooses will be active on the waiver wire, as they look to bounce back in Week 3 against BlainesRealAmericans.
FIGHTING MONGOOSES SURVIVE SABOTAGE ATTEMPT,
DEFEAT DR. ZAIUS DR. ZAIUS IN WEEK 1
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/gettyimages-1166825321.jpg?1568233023)
SPRINGFIELD, ??? (AFP) – Dalvin Cook scored a team-high 24.00 fantasy points, Drew Brees added 20.80 fantasy points and the Fighting Mongooses (1-0) defeated Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius (0-1) 141.62 – 85.76 in week one of the 2019 Kevin Ware Memorial League season.
“There is no greater honor on this Earth than to play for the Fighting Mongooses. Period,” Cook said emphatically after the Vikings’ 28-12 win over the Falcons. “Y’all better get used to this. Last year, just wasting away on that <expletive> Mama’s Back roster, such a <expletive> waste! I had to watch the Fighting Mongooses win the regular season, win the points title, come up just short in the championship. Kept thinking, ‘man, if only I was a <expletive> Mongoose! I’d <expletive> get the job done! Now’s my time, my <expletive> time!”
The Mongooses ran out to the early lead against Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius and never looked back. Brees, Alvin Kamara and Duke Johnson helped turn the matchup into a blowout on Monday night, combining for 46.70 fantasy points.
“This is the happiest moment of my life,” Brees said after the Saints’ dramatic 30-28 win over the Texans. “Think about it. After all I’ve been through the last couple years: the Minnesota miracle, the pass interference no-call. I deserve this. I deserve to be a <expletive> Mongoose.”
“Ye, bruh,” Kamara added. “Allz gud wen yooz a Mongoose. Me an Drew, wez gunna <expletive> light <expletive> up dis year. Not for Nahlins – for dem Gooses, yo. Iz got unfinished bizniz. Fantazee tital, dawg. Gonna partay like itz 2016 dis season!”
Seven Mongooses scored in double figures in the matchup, helping the team overcome a poor performance by Greg Olsen, who scored just 3.60 fantasy points.
“3.60 fantasy points is unacceptable,” Harrison Butker said after scoring 17.00 fantasy points in the Chiefs’ 40-26 win over the Jaguars. “In fact, that doesn’t seem like Greg Olsen at all. Wait a minute! Greg doesn’t have a mustache… Or a Halloween mask for a face.”
Butker captured the suspicious-looking Olsen after also noticing he was wearing a store-bought Panthers jersey.
“Get your paws off me, you dirty ape!” the man exclaimed.
“Let’s see who this Greg Olsen impostor really is!”
Butker ripped off the mask.
“Troy McClure?!” Butker exclaimed.
“Roy RuhkRur?!” Scooby-Doo added.
“Yeah, it was me,” McClure said. “I tried to sabotage your fantasy matchup and I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling kids and your dog.”
“But why?!” Butker pressed.
“I love you Dr. Zaius!" McClure yelled, but then seemingly reached an epiphany. "My God, what’s wrong with me?”
Alshon Jeffrey, Kenny Golladay and Stefon Diggs began to sing, accompanying McClure in the style of Stop the Planet of the Apes. I Want to Get Off.
“You’ve finally made a Mongoose out of me!” McClure sang.
The Fighting Mongooses have put out an Amber Alert for the real Greg Olsen. Butker also murdered McClure in cold blood. The team will face Devendorf’s Army (1-0) in Week 2.
“There is no greater honor on this Earth than to play for the Fighting Mongooses. Period,” Cook said emphatically after the Vikings’ 28-12 win over the Falcons. “Y’all better get used to this. Last year, just wasting away on that <expletive> Mama’s Back roster, such a <expletive> waste! I had to watch the Fighting Mongooses win the regular season, win the points title, come up just short in the championship. Kept thinking, ‘man, if only I was a <expletive> Mongoose! I’d <expletive> get the job done! Now’s my time, my <expletive> time!”
The Mongooses ran out to the early lead against Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius and never looked back. Brees, Alvin Kamara and Duke Johnson helped turn the matchup into a blowout on Monday night, combining for 46.70 fantasy points.
“This is the happiest moment of my life,” Brees said after the Saints’ dramatic 30-28 win over the Texans. “Think about it. After all I’ve been through the last couple years: the Minnesota miracle, the pass interference no-call. I deserve this. I deserve to be a <expletive> Mongoose.”
“Ye, bruh,” Kamara added. “Allz gud wen yooz a Mongoose. Me an Drew, wez gunna <expletive> light <expletive> up dis year. Not for Nahlins – for dem Gooses, yo. Iz got unfinished bizniz. Fantazee tital, dawg. Gonna partay like itz 2016 dis season!”
Seven Mongooses scored in double figures in the matchup, helping the team overcome a poor performance by Greg Olsen, who scored just 3.60 fantasy points.
“3.60 fantasy points is unacceptable,” Harrison Butker said after scoring 17.00 fantasy points in the Chiefs’ 40-26 win over the Jaguars. “In fact, that doesn’t seem like Greg Olsen at all. Wait a minute! Greg doesn’t have a mustache… Or a Halloween mask for a face.”
Butker captured the suspicious-looking Olsen after also noticing he was wearing a store-bought Panthers jersey.
“Get your paws off me, you dirty ape!” the man exclaimed.
“Let’s see who this Greg Olsen impostor really is!”
Butker ripped off the mask.
“Troy McClure?!” Butker exclaimed.
“Roy RuhkRur?!” Scooby-Doo added.
“Yeah, it was me,” McClure said. “I tried to sabotage your fantasy matchup and I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling kids and your dog.”
“But why?!” Butker pressed.
“I love you Dr. Zaius!" McClure yelled, but then seemingly reached an epiphany. "My God, what’s wrong with me?”
Alshon Jeffrey, Kenny Golladay and Stefon Diggs began to sing, accompanying McClure in the style of Stop the Planet of the Apes. I Want to Get Off.
“You’ve finally made a Mongoose out of me!” McClure sang.
The Fighting Mongooses have put out an Amber Alert for the real Greg Olsen. Butker also murdered McClure in cold blood. The team will face Devendorf’s Army (1-0) in Week 2.
FIGHTING MONGOOSES FIGHT TO THE END,
FALL TO CANADIAN TUXEDOES IN CHAMPIONSHIP SHOOTOUT
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/lindsay_4.jpg?1545795867)
NORTH POLE (AFP) – Kirk Cousins scored 26.22 fantasy points, Alvin Kamara added 22.50 fantasy points, but the Fighting Mongooses came up short in the Kevin Ware Memorial League Championship, falling to the Canadian Tuxedos, 163.52 – 154.66. Trailing 163.52 – 148.98 going into the Monday Night Football game, the Mongooses needed Broncos running back Phillip Lindsay to bring home the championship, but he recorded just 5.70 fantasy points before fracturing his wrist against Oakland.
“I couldn’t be more proud to be a Mongoose,” Lindsay said, fighting back tears, after the Broncos’ 27-14 loss to the Raiders. “When I was traded here, it was the best day of my life. I don’t even know why I was with the Orlando Solar Bears. I’ve never picked up a hockey stick in my life. This is where I belong. I guess it wasn’t meant to be. Give the Tuxedos credit.”
The 163.52 fantasy points was a season-high for the Canadian Tuxedos, who were led by Aaron Rodgers, whose 46.88 fantasy point total was nearly 20 fantasy points higher than any other week this season.
“I was like, ‘Aaron (Rodger)! What the <expletive>, man?” Packers running back Jamaal Williams said, after recording 21.60 fantasy points. “Here I am, making my Fighting Mongooses debut in the <expletive> championship, and now you decide to play well? I know I got mine, but you stealin’ two rushing touchdowns? Just give me the <expletive> ball! Never gonna forgive that <expletive>!”
Williams and Elijah McGuire were picked up off waivers for the title matchup. McGuire scored 20.50 fantasy points, wasted on the Mongooses bench. Had he started for Lindsay, the Mongooses would have won the title.
“You can second guess yourself all you want. The fact is, we scored 154 (154.66) fantasy points. We played well. Sometimes you’ve just got to tip your cap,” Kamara said after the Saints’ 31-28 win over the Steelers.
Reporters were baffled and asked Kamara what happened to his difficult to comprehend dialect.
“I was just <expletive>-ing with you guys. I can talk normally when I want to. I just didn’t want to. Now if you’ll excuse me, Mark (Ingram) and I have to go rob a bank.
Kamara put on a black ski mask and walked out of the Fighting Mongooses facility.
The Fighting Mongooses’ 154.66 fantasy points marked the third highest total of the season, but it could have had even more, had the team started Nick Foles, who scored 34.94 fantasy points, again, wasted on the bench.
“Did you watch the NFC Championship? Did you watch the Super Bowl?” Foles asked, after the Eagles’ 32-30 win over the Texans. “I am the greatest quarterback who ever lived. That’s like 3, no 4 good games now in the last couple years. Don’t worry about the other 40 or so. Don’t look up those numbers. They would be, um, boring. Yeah, that’s it. Just know that I should have played. Jared Goff? Kirk Cousins? <Expletive>! Kirk needed a <expletive> Hail Mary to put up points.”
“I did what I could,” Cousins said in response, after the Vikings’ 27-9 win over the Lions. “However, that’s a common misconception. That play is not called the ‘Hail Mary.’ The initials are right. It’s actually ‘Hail Mongoose.’ Ask Roger Staubach. Look it up. True story.”
“I don’t care what you call it, we should have had one,” Goff added. “Hit Robert (Woods) for a 39 yard touchdown. 39! One <expletive> yard from the big play bonus for both of us. That’s like eight fantasy points just wasted. What if, man. What if.”
What if? is a common question the Fighting Mongooses facility as the players clean out their fantasy lockers? What if Lindsay didn’t get hurt? What if McGuire or Foles played? What if the Canadian Tuxedoes didn’t sign and start now-Rams running back CJ Anderson, who scored 22.20 fantasy points? Had the original lineup of Jaylen Samuels and Jared Cook stayed as the Canadian Tuxedos’ RB2 and TE, the Mongooses would have won by 11 fantasy points.
“It doesn’t matter now,” Lindsay said. “We Won the regular season, won the points title, took second in the playoffs. Just a sour note to end on. So, let’s put a bow on 2018.”
Lindsay cleared his throat, pulled out a sheet of paper rolled up like a scroll and began to recite a poem he wrote.
“’Twas the night before Christmas; and all through the Black Hole,
Jon Gruden revived the Raiders; and my health, they stole.
My wrist! My wrist; The pain! Oh, it hurts!
Knocked out of the game; as our fantasy hopes, did burst.
’Twas bleak to begin with; with Rodgers’ dominance unforeseen,
But now it’s over; this fantasy season, 2018.
A Mongoose never quits; no, ’till the end, we did fight!
A Merry Christmas for the Tuxedos; for all of us, a not-so-good night.”
“I couldn’t be more proud to be a Mongoose,” Lindsay said, fighting back tears, after the Broncos’ 27-14 loss to the Raiders. “When I was traded here, it was the best day of my life. I don’t even know why I was with the Orlando Solar Bears. I’ve never picked up a hockey stick in my life. This is where I belong. I guess it wasn’t meant to be. Give the Tuxedos credit.”
The 163.52 fantasy points was a season-high for the Canadian Tuxedos, who were led by Aaron Rodgers, whose 46.88 fantasy point total was nearly 20 fantasy points higher than any other week this season.
“I was like, ‘Aaron (Rodger)! What the <expletive>, man?” Packers running back Jamaal Williams said, after recording 21.60 fantasy points. “Here I am, making my Fighting Mongooses debut in the <expletive> championship, and now you decide to play well? I know I got mine, but you stealin’ two rushing touchdowns? Just give me the <expletive> ball! Never gonna forgive that <expletive>!”
Williams and Elijah McGuire were picked up off waivers for the title matchup. McGuire scored 20.50 fantasy points, wasted on the Mongooses bench. Had he started for Lindsay, the Mongooses would have won the title.
“You can second guess yourself all you want. The fact is, we scored 154 (154.66) fantasy points. We played well. Sometimes you’ve just got to tip your cap,” Kamara said after the Saints’ 31-28 win over the Steelers.
Reporters were baffled and asked Kamara what happened to his difficult to comprehend dialect.
“I was just <expletive>-ing with you guys. I can talk normally when I want to. I just didn’t want to. Now if you’ll excuse me, Mark (Ingram) and I have to go rob a bank.
Kamara put on a black ski mask and walked out of the Fighting Mongooses facility.
The Fighting Mongooses’ 154.66 fantasy points marked the third highest total of the season, but it could have had even more, had the team started Nick Foles, who scored 34.94 fantasy points, again, wasted on the bench.
“Did you watch the NFC Championship? Did you watch the Super Bowl?” Foles asked, after the Eagles’ 32-30 win over the Texans. “I am the greatest quarterback who ever lived. That’s like 3, no 4 good games now in the last couple years. Don’t worry about the other 40 or so. Don’t look up those numbers. They would be, um, boring. Yeah, that’s it. Just know that I should have played. Jared Goff? Kirk Cousins? <Expletive>! Kirk needed a <expletive> Hail Mary to put up points.”
“I did what I could,” Cousins said in response, after the Vikings’ 27-9 win over the Lions. “However, that’s a common misconception. That play is not called the ‘Hail Mary.’ The initials are right. It’s actually ‘Hail Mongoose.’ Ask Roger Staubach. Look it up. True story.”
“I don’t care what you call it, we should have had one,” Goff added. “Hit Robert (Woods) for a 39 yard touchdown. 39! One <expletive> yard from the big play bonus for both of us. That’s like eight fantasy points just wasted. What if, man. What if.”
What if? is a common question the Fighting Mongooses facility as the players clean out their fantasy lockers? What if Lindsay didn’t get hurt? What if McGuire or Foles played? What if the Canadian Tuxedoes didn’t sign and start now-Rams running back CJ Anderson, who scored 22.20 fantasy points? Had the original lineup of Jaylen Samuels and Jared Cook stayed as the Canadian Tuxedos’ RB2 and TE, the Mongooses would have won by 11 fantasy points.
“It doesn’t matter now,” Lindsay said. “We Won the regular season, won the points title, took second in the playoffs. Just a sour note to end on. So, let’s put a bow on 2018.”
Lindsay cleared his throat, pulled out a sheet of paper rolled up like a scroll and began to recite a poem he wrote.
“’Twas the night before Christmas; and all through the Black Hole,
Jon Gruden revived the Raiders; and my health, they stole.
My wrist! My wrist; The pain! Oh, it hurts!
Knocked out of the game; as our fantasy hopes, did burst.
’Twas bleak to begin with; with Rodgers’ dominance unforeseen,
But now it’s over; this fantasy season, 2018.
A Mongoose never quits; no, ’till the end, we did fight!
A Merry Christmas for the Tuxedos; for all of us, a not-so-good night.”
KAMARA LEADS COMEBACK AS FIGHTING MONGOOSES
RETURN TO KEVIN WARE MEMORIAL LEAGUE TITLE
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/maxresdefault_1.jpg?1545247676)
HOUSTON, Texas (AFP) – Kirk Cousins scored a matchup-high 19.30 fantasy points, Alvin Kamara added 16.30 fantasy points and the Fighting Mongooses came back to beat Dak to Dak 96.56 – 89.94 to reach the Kevin Ware Memorial League Championship. Trailing by 9.68 fantasy points going into Monday Night Football, Kamara saved the team’s title hopes, putting up 103 yards from scrimmage and scoring a 4th quarter touchdown.
“Thot I’z make it inzterztin’,” Kamara said after the Saints’ 12-9 win over the Panthers. “Tol da guyz to zuck it up Zunday. Dat way, I cud be da <expletive> hero.”
Kamara began to laugh maniacally.
“Even waited til da fourth quarta! Y’all thot we’z gonna looz, didn’t ya? <Expletive>, that <expletive> iz funny! Demz tiezbreakerz meanz notin’ now! Dat total meanz notin’, juz az longz az we win! I’da score 90 if we needed it! Dat championship, dat’z ourz! Mongooses, baby!”
Kamara’s advice to his teammates nearly doomed the Mongooses. Eight of his ten teammates failed to reach their projected fantasy point total for the week. 49ers wide receiver Dante Pettis—who was just picked up this week—and the Jacksonville defense were the only Mongooses to exceed their projected fantasy point total.
“I know we were supposed to let Alvin (Kamara) play hero ball, but that was a little too close for comfort,” Cousins said after the Vikings’ 41-17 win over the Dolphins. “I mean, I went just below my projection, still played well. Jared (Goff)? Well, dude was all over the <expletive> place!”
“Yeah, at first he was trying to suck,” Robert Woods said, after scoring 9.30 fantasy points in the Rams’ 30-23 loss to the Eagles. “You see that second pick? Genius! Made that Eagles defense actually look good! Once we started to try a little bit, <expletive> just wasn’t working. He genuinely thought we was gonna lose. You could see him getting frustrated, like Jeff Fisher frustrated. Once that touchdown to Josh (Reynolds) was called back, the points that were supposed to cancel out the picks, you could just see the anger in his eyes.”
Goff was not available for comment. He was arrested and charged with first degree murder in the death of Josh Reynolds. He is being held on one trillion fantasy fun bucks bond. When asked why he stabbed Reynolds four times, Goff told police “One for every fantasy point that <expletive> cost me.” Goff is expected to play in next week’s championship.
“Maybe I should play?” Josh Johnson suggested, after scoring 14.94 fantasy points in the Redskins’ 16-13 win over the Jaguars.
No one was listening.
The Fighting Mongooses elected to let Johnson waste away on the bench, along with Kenny Golladay, who scored 14.60 fantasy points in the Lions’ 14-13 loss to the Bills, despite being tabbed as the WR Sit of the Week in multiple fantasy sports outlets.
“Three weeks of disappointment, I get why I was benched,” Golladay said. “But I’m a Mongoose. I never <expletive> quit. I <expletive> fight! And we will <expletive> prevail! The Fighting Mongooses are going to the <expletive> championship!”
The Fighting Mongooses will face the Canadian Tuxedos in the Kevin Ware Memorial League Championship next week. The Mongooses won the regular season meeting 99.78 – 99.06 back in Week 5.
“I hope I don’t die this time around,” Brandin Cooks said.
Like in 2016, tickets are available at www.fightingmongooses.weebly.com. Not really.
“Thot I’z make it inzterztin’,” Kamara said after the Saints’ 12-9 win over the Panthers. “Tol da guyz to zuck it up Zunday. Dat way, I cud be da <expletive> hero.”
Kamara began to laugh maniacally.
“Even waited til da fourth quarta! Y’all thot we’z gonna looz, didn’t ya? <Expletive>, that <expletive> iz funny! Demz tiezbreakerz meanz notin’ now! Dat total meanz notin’, juz az longz az we win! I’da score 90 if we needed it! Dat championship, dat’z ourz! Mongooses, baby!”
Kamara’s advice to his teammates nearly doomed the Mongooses. Eight of his ten teammates failed to reach their projected fantasy point total for the week. 49ers wide receiver Dante Pettis—who was just picked up this week—and the Jacksonville defense were the only Mongooses to exceed their projected fantasy point total.
“I know we were supposed to let Alvin (Kamara) play hero ball, but that was a little too close for comfort,” Cousins said after the Vikings’ 41-17 win over the Dolphins. “I mean, I went just below my projection, still played well. Jared (Goff)? Well, dude was all over the <expletive> place!”
“Yeah, at first he was trying to suck,” Robert Woods said, after scoring 9.30 fantasy points in the Rams’ 30-23 loss to the Eagles. “You see that second pick? Genius! Made that Eagles defense actually look good! Once we started to try a little bit, <expletive> just wasn’t working. He genuinely thought we was gonna lose. You could see him getting frustrated, like Jeff Fisher frustrated. Once that touchdown to Josh (Reynolds) was called back, the points that were supposed to cancel out the picks, you could just see the anger in his eyes.”
Goff was not available for comment. He was arrested and charged with first degree murder in the death of Josh Reynolds. He is being held on one trillion fantasy fun bucks bond. When asked why he stabbed Reynolds four times, Goff told police “One for every fantasy point that <expletive> cost me.” Goff is expected to play in next week’s championship.
“Maybe I should play?” Josh Johnson suggested, after scoring 14.94 fantasy points in the Redskins’ 16-13 win over the Jaguars.
No one was listening.
The Fighting Mongooses elected to let Johnson waste away on the bench, along with Kenny Golladay, who scored 14.60 fantasy points in the Lions’ 14-13 loss to the Bills, despite being tabbed as the WR Sit of the Week in multiple fantasy sports outlets.
“Three weeks of disappointment, I get why I was benched,” Golladay said. “But I’m a Mongoose. I never <expletive> quit. I <expletive> fight! And we will <expletive> prevail! The Fighting Mongooses are going to the <expletive> championship!”
The Fighting Mongooses will face the Canadian Tuxedos in the Kevin Ware Memorial League Championship next week. The Mongooses won the regular season meeting 99.78 – 99.06 back in Week 5.
“I hope I don’t die this time around,” Brandin Cooks said.
Like in 2016, tickets are available at www.fightingmongooses.weebly.com. Not really.
LINDSAY RUNS WILD, AS MONGOOSES MAUL MAMA;
CLINCH KWML REGULAR SEASON TITLE
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/lindsay_2.jpg?1543948166)
New York, NEW YORK (AFP) – Phillip Lindsay scored a career-high 31.90 fantasy points, Robert Woods added 13.80 fantasy points and the Fighting Mongooses (10-0) held off Mama’s Back (6-7) 102.52 – 95.82 to clinch the Kevin Ware Memorial League regular season title for the second time in three years. The victory also clinched the “Points For” title, and subsequently knocked Mama’s Back out of the playoffs.
“We’re thrilled to win the regular season, but our work is just beginning,” Lindsay said after the Broncos 24-10 win over the Bengals, still dressed as Speedy Gonzales. “We don’t celebrate regular season titles here. The Fighting Mongooses have higher expectations. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to take a shower.”
Lindsay stripped naked and stepped into the Fighting Mongooses Official Victory Money Shower, bathing in 200 one dollar bills flying all over the shower.
“Oh, yeah,” Lindsay let out. “Just what I needed after all those touchdowns.”
Lindsay began singing Walking on Sunshine, by Katrina & the Waves, the official band of the Fighting Mongooses.
“Talk about an emotional rollercoaster,” Woods added after the Rams’ 30-16 win over the Lions. “First I was like <expletive>! I was fine, but Brandin (Cooks), Jared (Goff) and Kenny (Golladay) all <expletive> it up in this game?! <Expletive> <expletive> <expletive> <expletive> <expletive>! It was a <expletive> disaster, but then it was all good in the end and I was like <expletive> <expletive> <expletive> <expletive> <expletive> <expletive>! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to take a bath.”
Woods stripped naked and stepped into the Fighting Mongooses Official Champagne Bath, filled with a combination of the world’s finest champagnes.
“It wasn’t me,” Woods said, as a bubble rose to the top of the tub.
The Fighting Mongooses seemed doomed to poor decision-making this week. While nine of eleven starters failed to reach their projected totals for the week, the team also left 42.00 fantasy points on the bench between Corey Davis, Jalen Richard and the Jacksonville defense. Luckily, Mama’s Back made similar mistakes, as Nick Mullens, Justin Jackson and the Seattle defense combined for 55.86 wasted fantasy points.
“<Expletive>! A <expletive> shutout wasted!” Jalen Ramsey said after the Jaguars’ 6-0 win over the Colts. “Then I had to watch <expletive> Keenan Allen go berserk in Pittsburgh. Thought we were gonna <expletive> lose because of him! I’ve played that <expletive> before. I’ve seen that dude single-handedly win a fantasy matchup. I was there, I seen it. You don’t believe me? You think I’m making it up? You think I’m trying to enhance the story because I’m involved, tying to give myself an excuse for losing because I’m telling a story about Keenan Allen? I dare you to challenge Keenan Allen to game of fantasy football. Challenge him!... Aight? And make sure your people is there to see the game, because you might get embarrassed. Trust me.”
“I trust you,” Kirk Cousins told Ramsey, who scored a measly 8.04 fantasy points in the Vikings 24-10 loss to the Patriots. “And you can trust me that I won’t have another week like this one in the playoffs. We’re the <expletive> Fighting Mongooses! We never quit! We fight! We will prevail! Let’s go win this whole <expletive> thing!”
Cousins and Goff combined for just 16.12 fantasy points. Luckily, Drew Brees and Matt Ryan were even worse, combining for just 14.92 fantasy points for Mama’s Back.
“I’d give my right leg for a fantasy championship,” Colt McCoy said.
The Fighting Mongooses get a much needed bye week to get some fantasy rest before playing in the Kevin Ware Memorial League semifinals.
“We’re thrilled to win the regular season, but our work is just beginning,” Lindsay said after the Broncos 24-10 win over the Bengals, still dressed as Speedy Gonzales. “We don’t celebrate regular season titles here. The Fighting Mongooses have higher expectations. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to take a shower.”
Lindsay stripped naked and stepped into the Fighting Mongooses Official Victory Money Shower, bathing in 200 one dollar bills flying all over the shower.
“Oh, yeah,” Lindsay let out. “Just what I needed after all those touchdowns.”
Lindsay began singing Walking on Sunshine, by Katrina & the Waves, the official band of the Fighting Mongooses.
“Talk about an emotional rollercoaster,” Woods added after the Rams’ 30-16 win over the Lions. “First I was like <expletive>! I was fine, but Brandin (Cooks), Jared (Goff) and Kenny (Golladay) all <expletive> it up in this game?! <Expletive> <expletive> <expletive> <expletive> <expletive>! It was a <expletive> disaster, but then it was all good in the end and I was like <expletive> <expletive> <expletive> <expletive> <expletive> <expletive>! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to take a bath.”
Woods stripped naked and stepped into the Fighting Mongooses Official Champagne Bath, filled with a combination of the world’s finest champagnes.
“It wasn’t me,” Woods said, as a bubble rose to the top of the tub.
The Fighting Mongooses seemed doomed to poor decision-making this week. While nine of eleven starters failed to reach their projected totals for the week, the team also left 42.00 fantasy points on the bench between Corey Davis, Jalen Richard and the Jacksonville defense. Luckily, Mama’s Back made similar mistakes, as Nick Mullens, Justin Jackson and the Seattle defense combined for 55.86 wasted fantasy points.
“<Expletive>! A <expletive> shutout wasted!” Jalen Ramsey said after the Jaguars’ 6-0 win over the Colts. “Then I had to watch <expletive> Keenan Allen go berserk in Pittsburgh. Thought we were gonna <expletive> lose because of him! I’ve played that <expletive> before. I’ve seen that dude single-handedly win a fantasy matchup. I was there, I seen it. You don’t believe me? You think I’m making it up? You think I’m trying to enhance the story because I’m involved, tying to give myself an excuse for losing because I’m telling a story about Keenan Allen? I dare you to challenge Keenan Allen to game of fantasy football. Challenge him!... Aight? And make sure your people is there to see the game, because you might get embarrassed. Trust me.”
“I trust you,” Kirk Cousins told Ramsey, who scored a measly 8.04 fantasy points in the Vikings 24-10 loss to the Patriots. “And you can trust me that I won’t have another week like this one in the playoffs. We’re the <expletive> Fighting Mongooses! We never quit! We fight! We will prevail! Let’s go win this whole <expletive> thing!”
Cousins and Goff combined for just 16.12 fantasy points. Luckily, Drew Brees and Matt Ryan were even worse, combining for just 14.92 fantasy points for Mama’s Back.
“I’d give my right leg for a fantasy championship,” Colt McCoy said.
The Fighting Mongooses get a much needed bye week to get some fantasy rest before playing in the Kevin Ware Memorial League semifinals.
FIGHTING MONGOOSES FIGHT BACK
DEFEAT BLAINESREALAMERICANS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/davis-2_1.jpg?1543523964)
MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin (AFP) – Kirk Cousins scored matchup-high 27.38 fantasy points, Corey Davis added a crucial 23.50 fantasy points on Monday Night football and the Fighting Mongooses (9-3) came back to beat BlainesRealAmericans (3-9) 143.60 – 138.84. Fate seemed to be against the Fighting Mongooses after Lamar Miller’s 97 yard touchdown; however, Davis answered with a 48 yard touchdown, as the Fighting Mongooses won to remain in first place via tiebreaker in the Kevin Ware Memorial League.
“Y’all didn’t trust me!” Davis said, laughing uncontrollably, after the Titans’ 34-17 loss to the Texans on Monday Night Football. “Ye of little faith! What now, you mother <expletive> nonbelievers?! Kneel before the awesome fantasy might of the greatest fantasy receiver of all-time! I’m the reason we won. Me! Row the mother <expletive> boat!”
Davis continued to laugh himself into a coma. He’s still smiling, even after he stopped breathing. Cousins then spray painted “MSU > WM” on Davis’ motionless body.
“Michigan’s a great state,” Cousins said.
The 4.76 fantasy point victory was eerily similar to the Week 1 meeting between these two championship-winning franchises, also won by the Fighting Mongooses by 4.64 fantasy points. That 140.38 –135.74 victory was also a come-from-behind win on Monday Night Football.
“BlainesRealAmericans gets me going. B-R-A. Bras. Love ’em,” Rob Gronkowski said, after scoring 11.60 fantasy points in the Patriots’ 27-13 win over the Jets, his first action in five weeks. “Look, I’m human. I love bras, takin’ them off, seein’ them <expletives>. Who doesn’t? Guess what? My only other touchdown this year was also against the Bras. I’m a simple man with simple motivations.”
The Fighting Mongooses’ victory was especially gratifying, playing four spot-starters, Colt McCoy, Antonio Callaway, Jalen Richard and Aldrick Rosas, who combined for 45.32 fantasy points.
“It’s just such an honor to help this team win,” McCoy said after the Redskins’ 31-23 loss to the Cowboys. “Both teams, actually. I was under strict instructions to put up stats and points, but still make sure the Cowboys won in reality. Honestly, it’s such an honor to put on this fantasy uniform. Not the Redskins uniform, though. That’s racist and <expletive>-ed up that we still wear these.”
The Fighting Mongooses get the majority of their regulars back for Week 13, the final week of the regular season. With a comfortable 71.94 edge in points for, a win, or a loss by Jimmy G String Divaz would likely clinch the regular season title for the Fighting Mongooses.
The Fighting Mongooses face Mama’s Back (6-6) to close the regular season. Jimmy G String Divaz will take on Orlando Solar Bears (4-8).
“Y’all didn’t trust me!” Davis said, laughing uncontrollably, after the Titans’ 34-17 loss to the Texans on Monday Night Football. “Ye of little faith! What now, you mother <expletive> nonbelievers?! Kneel before the awesome fantasy might of the greatest fantasy receiver of all-time! I’m the reason we won. Me! Row the mother <expletive> boat!”
Davis continued to laugh himself into a coma. He’s still smiling, even after he stopped breathing. Cousins then spray painted “MSU > WM” on Davis’ motionless body.
“Michigan’s a great state,” Cousins said.
The 4.76 fantasy point victory was eerily similar to the Week 1 meeting between these two championship-winning franchises, also won by the Fighting Mongooses by 4.64 fantasy points. That 140.38 –135.74 victory was also a come-from-behind win on Monday Night Football.
“BlainesRealAmericans gets me going. B-R-A. Bras. Love ’em,” Rob Gronkowski said, after scoring 11.60 fantasy points in the Patriots’ 27-13 win over the Jets, his first action in five weeks. “Look, I’m human. I love bras, takin’ them off, seein’ them <expletives>. Who doesn’t? Guess what? My only other touchdown this year was also against the Bras. I’m a simple man with simple motivations.”
The Fighting Mongooses’ victory was especially gratifying, playing four spot-starters, Colt McCoy, Antonio Callaway, Jalen Richard and Aldrick Rosas, who combined for 45.32 fantasy points.
“It’s just such an honor to help this team win,” McCoy said after the Redskins’ 31-23 loss to the Cowboys. “Both teams, actually. I was under strict instructions to put up stats and points, but still make sure the Cowboys won in reality. Honestly, it’s such an honor to put on this fantasy uniform. Not the Redskins uniform, though. That’s racist and <expletive>-ed up that we still wear these.”
The Fighting Mongooses get the majority of their regulars back for Week 13, the final week of the regular season. With a comfortable 71.94 edge in points for, a win, or a loss by Jimmy G String Divaz would likely clinch the regular season title for the Fighting Mongooses.
The Fighting Mongooses face Mama’s Back (6-6) to close the regular season. Jimmy G String Divaz will take on Orlando Solar Bears (4-8).
FIGHTING MONGOOSES FIGHT THEIR WAY BACK INTO FIRST PLACE;
DEFEAT DAK TO DAK IN BLOWOUT
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/usa-today-11701336-0_2.jpg?1542775958)
HOUSTON, Texas (AFP) – Jared Goff scored a matchup-high 39.12 fantasy points, Phillip Lindsay added 26.60 fantasy points and the Fighting Mongooses (8-3) defeated Dak to Dak (5-6) 163.70 – 108.38. The Fighting Mongooses are back in first place and officially clinch a Kevin Ware Memorial League playoff spot with the win.
“Strangest thing, I showed up in Mexico City this weekend and no one was there. The stadium was empty,” Goff told reporters after the Rams’ 54-51 win over the Chiefs. “Checked my phone and I was like, ‘<Expletive>! They moved the game to LA?!’ Guess I missed it. I was too busy doing a <expletive> <expletive> <expletive> <expletive> <expletive> to (Sean) McVay’s girl. You know what I mean? Good thing we played Monday night. Gave me time to give McVay’s girl one more good <expletive>, go back to LA and just ball out like the <expletive> boss I am!”
Goff’s 39.12 fantasy points were, remarkably, not a season-high. He scored 47.30 fantasy points week 4 against Lafferty Daniel. The 26.60 fantasy points were, however, a season and career-high for Lindsay.
“Jared (Goff) would have been a Mexican national hero had that game been in Mexico City,” Lindsay said after the Broncos’ 23-22 win over the Chargers. “Me? I’m already a Mexican national hero. You see, I’m actually… Speedy Gonzales.”
The petite Lindsay put on white clothes, a yellow sombrero with a red kerchief, and yelled "¡Ándale! ¡Ándale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba! ¡Epa! ¡Epa! ¡Epa! Yeehaw!"
He then ran out of the Fighting Mongooses’ facility so fast, he appeared to vanish into thin air.
“Go score more 40 yard touchdowns, you little vermin <expletive>!” C.J. Uzomah said after the Bengals’ 24-21 loss to the Ravens. “C.J. Uzomah loves that dude! Dude makes the real Speedy Gonzales look like Regular Gonzales.”
Lindsay wasn’t the only Mongoose to record a season-best performance this weekend. Lions wide receiver did the same, scoring 17.30 fantasy points in the Lions’ 20-19 win over the Panthers.
“Did what I had to do get mine,” Golladay said. “Been slippin’ these last few weeks. So I <expletive> bashed Marvin’s (Jones Jr.) knee in with a two-by-four, shoved Golden (Tate) in a burlap sack and shipped him to that <expletive> hole known as Philadelphia. Voila! Targets! Lots and lots of targets! Targets <expletive> equal <expletive> touchdowns! Anything for the Fighting Mongooses!”
In all, seven Fighting Mongooses recorded double digit fantasy points this week. Kirk Cousins, Alvin Kamara, Robert Woods and Brandin Cooks were the others to round out that list.
The team looks to continue their glorious success next week against BlainesRealAmericans. The Mongooses defeated the RealAmericans 140.38 – 135.74 back in Week 1.
“Strangest thing, I showed up in Mexico City this weekend and no one was there. The stadium was empty,” Goff told reporters after the Rams’ 54-51 win over the Chiefs. “Checked my phone and I was like, ‘<Expletive>! They moved the game to LA?!’ Guess I missed it. I was too busy doing a <expletive> <expletive> <expletive> <expletive> <expletive> to (Sean) McVay’s girl. You know what I mean? Good thing we played Monday night. Gave me time to give McVay’s girl one more good <expletive>, go back to LA and just ball out like the <expletive> boss I am!”
Goff’s 39.12 fantasy points were, remarkably, not a season-high. He scored 47.30 fantasy points week 4 against Lafferty Daniel. The 26.60 fantasy points were, however, a season and career-high for Lindsay.
“Jared (Goff) would have been a Mexican national hero had that game been in Mexico City,” Lindsay said after the Broncos’ 23-22 win over the Chargers. “Me? I’m already a Mexican national hero. You see, I’m actually… Speedy Gonzales.”
The petite Lindsay put on white clothes, a yellow sombrero with a red kerchief, and yelled "¡Ándale! ¡Ándale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba! ¡Epa! ¡Epa! ¡Epa! Yeehaw!"
He then ran out of the Fighting Mongooses’ facility so fast, he appeared to vanish into thin air.
“Go score more 40 yard touchdowns, you little vermin <expletive>!” C.J. Uzomah said after the Bengals’ 24-21 loss to the Ravens. “C.J. Uzomah loves that dude! Dude makes the real Speedy Gonzales look like Regular Gonzales.”
Lindsay wasn’t the only Mongoose to record a season-best performance this weekend. Lions wide receiver did the same, scoring 17.30 fantasy points in the Lions’ 20-19 win over the Panthers.
“Did what I had to do get mine,” Golladay said. “Been slippin’ these last few weeks. So I <expletive> bashed Marvin’s (Jones Jr.) knee in with a two-by-four, shoved Golden (Tate) in a burlap sack and shipped him to that <expletive> hole known as Philadelphia. Voila! Targets! Lots and lots of targets! Targets <expletive> equal <expletive> touchdowns! Anything for the Fighting Mongooses!”
In all, seven Fighting Mongooses recorded double digit fantasy points this week. Kirk Cousins, Alvin Kamara, Robert Woods and Brandin Cooks were the others to round out that list.
The team looks to continue their glorious success next week against BlainesRealAmericans. The Mongooses defeated the RealAmericans 140.38 – 135.74 back in Week 1.
HILL STEPS IN FOR DARNOLD;
MONGOOSES WINNING STREAK SNAPPED BY UNICORN
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COOLOOLA COAST, Australia (AFP) – Alvin Kamara scored a team-high 22.20 fantasy points, Jared Goff added 21.02 fantasy points, but forced to start Taysom Hill over the suddenly injured Sam Darnold, the Fighting Mongooses (7-3) could not overcome the uphill battle, falling to The Robot Unicorn (6-4) 127.06 – 105.32. The loss snapped the Mongooses’ three-game winning streak.
“Everything in this life has a purpose, so sayeth Joseph Smith,” Hill, the Saints gadget-play quarterback, said after recording 2.40 fantasy points in New Orleans’ 51-14 win in Cincinnati. “Playing for the Saints is no coincidence, so sayeth Joseph Smith. As the member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and as the latter-quarterback option, I had full confidence our enormous lead would allow me to come to the rescue for this glorious pack of mongooses. Alas, Joseph Smith had other plans for me. Either him or Sean Peyton. They’re essentially the same person. I must leave now to spread the glory of Sean Peyton and Joseph Smith, so sayeth Joseph Smith.”
The Fighting Mongooses subsequently cut Taysom Hill, and there was much rejoicing. As he left the facility for his mission, the rest of the team sang in unison, “Dum-dum, dum-dum, dum!”
“Forgetz dat Mormon,” Kamara, Hill’s one-time Fighting Mongooses and Saints teammate, said. “Itz all dat rook’s Sam’s fault. <Expletive> kid needzz a <expletive> lezzin. I her turrible thingz hap’n in dat Mongooses QB room. Turrble, like Charlz Barkley turrble thingz.”
Kamara looked at Goff and Kirk Cousins, who’s Vikings were on a bye. Nothing needed to be said, yet everything was universally understood. The three nodded. The latter two Mongooses grabbed Darnold by his sprained foot and dragged him toward the mysterious Quarterbacks Room in the Fighting Mongooses facility. Darnold was perspiring, hyperventilating with anxiety. He had heard the stories of this place. He had heard what they do to quarterbacks who do not perform, and his sin was worse than underperforming; it was being unavailable when the team needed him most; it was deceiving the team into thinking he was available when, in fact, he was not. It was the ultimate fantasy football sin. He did not know what was about to happen, but he feared the worst. His imagination could not even begin to conceive the horrors of his reality. Goff slammed the door behind them, keeping the shroud of mystery present for the rest of the team and horrified reporters on hand. It was faint, but reporters could hear Darnold say “Please, God. No.” Then, silence. The silence was unbearable, excruciating. Goff and Cousins eventually emerged from the room, blank stares on their faces.
Goff looked at Kamara and said, “Operation Gang Green: completed.”
He then turned to reporters and changed his tone.
“Sam Darnold is unavailable for comment as the New York Jets have a bye this week. We fully expect him to be ready the following week when his number will be called on again as my bye week replacement.”
“He will be ready,” Cousins added, staring back at the door.
“He will be ready,” he repeated.
Had Darnold played this week, and matched his career high of 22.42 fantasy points, the Fighting Mongooses still would have lost this week.
“I guess it doesn’t really matter then,” Carlos Hyde said, replying to a reporter giving him that statistic.
“Juz wait til you see wut I’z gunna do to you,” Kamara said to Hyde, who scored just 0.50 fantasy points in the Jaguars’ 29-26 loss to the Colts.
Hyde disappeared and no one ever saw him again.
The Fighting Mongooses return to action this week against Dak to Dak (5-5).
“Everything in this life has a purpose, so sayeth Joseph Smith,” Hill, the Saints gadget-play quarterback, said after recording 2.40 fantasy points in New Orleans’ 51-14 win in Cincinnati. “Playing for the Saints is no coincidence, so sayeth Joseph Smith. As the member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and as the latter-quarterback option, I had full confidence our enormous lead would allow me to come to the rescue for this glorious pack of mongooses. Alas, Joseph Smith had other plans for me. Either him or Sean Peyton. They’re essentially the same person. I must leave now to spread the glory of Sean Peyton and Joseph Smith, so sayeth Joseph Smith.”
The Fighting Mongooses subsequently cut Taysom Hill, and there was much rejoicing. As he left the facility for his mission, the rest of the team sang in unison, “Dum-dum, dum-dum, dum!”
“Forgetz dat Mormon,” Kamara, Hill’s one-time Fighting Mongooses and Saints teammate, said. “Itz all dat rook’s Sam’s fault. <Expletive> kid needzz a <expletive> lezzin. I her turrible thingz hap’n in dat Mongooses QB room. Turrble, like Charlz Barkley turrble thingz.”
Kamara looked at Goff and Kirk Cousins, who’s Vikings were on a bye. Nothing needed to be said, yet everything was universally understood. The three nodded. The latter two Mongooses grabbed Darnold by his sprained foot and dragged him toward the mysterious Quarterbacks Room in the Fighting Mongooses facility. Darnold was perspiring, hyperventilating with anxiety. He had heard the stories of this place. He had heard what they do to quarterbacks who do not perform, and his sin was worse than underperforming; it was being unavailable when the team needed him most; it was deceiving the team into thinking he was available when, in fact, he was not. It was the ultimate fantasy football sin. He did not know what was about to happen, but he feared the worst. His imagination could not even begin to conceive the horrors of his reality. Goff slammed the door behind them, keeping the shroud of mystery present for the rest of the team and horrified reporters on hand. It was faint, but reporters could hear Darnold say “Please, God. No.” Then, silence. The silence was unbearable, excruciating. Goff and Cousins eventually emerged from the room, blank stares on their faces.
Goff looked at Kamara and said, “Operation Gang Green: completed.”
He then turned to reporters and changed his tone.
“Sam Darnold is unavailable for comment as the New York Jets have a bye this week. We fully expect him to be ready the following week when his number will be called on again as my bye week replacement.”
“He will be ready,” Cousins added, staring back at the door.
“He will be ready,” he repeated.
Had Darnold played this week, and matched his career high of 22.42 fantasy points, the Fighting Mongooses still would have lost this week.
“I guess it doesn’t really matter then,” Carlos Hyde said, replying to a reporter giving him that statistic.
“Juz wait til you see wut I’z gunna do to you,” Kamara said to Hyde, who scored just 0.50 fantasy points in the Jaguars’ 29-26 loss to the Colts.
Hyde disappeared and no one ever saw him again.
The Fighting Mongooses return to action this week against Dak to Dak (5-5).
FIGHTING MONGOOSES HOLD ON AGAINST FAVRE'S DONG SHOTS
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MADISON, Wisconsin (AFP) – Jared Goff scored a matchup-high 33.34 fantasy points, Alvin Kamara added 29.60 fantasy points and the Dallas defense did just enough on Monday Night Football for the Fighting Mongooses (7-2) to survive against Favre’s Dong Shot (4-5) 131.70 – 129.82.
“Damn shame we had to sacrifice a reality win for a fantasy win, but I did what I had to do,” Taco Charlton said, after the Dallas defense scored 7.00 fantasy points in the Cowboys’ 28-14 loss to the Titans. “I’ve been force-feeding tacos to Dak (Prescott) for weeks, just strapping him to a wall, shoving a funnel in his mouth and just packing taco meat down that dude’s throat. All for this week, just to make sure we get this win, this week. Don’t know how that helped, but trust me – it did. Don’t mess with Taco.”
Prescott scored 14.82 fantasy points in that game for Favre’s Dong Shots, but finished with two turnovers.
“He’ll join me in the morgue soon,” Sean Lee added. “Too many tacos. Dark days in Dallas.”
The 1.88 fantasy point victory should not have been as close as it was, as Favre’s Dong Shots decided to field a team at full strength against the Fighting Mongooses, the first time they have done so since Week 4.
“It was a real <expletive> dick move by the Dong Shots,” Goff said after the Rams’ 45-35 loss to the Saints. “Bye’s or injuries, they’ve started ten players who didn’t suit up the last four weeks and they decide to try against us? Why? <Expletive> <expletives>! Love that we beat them mano a mano. Others didn’t have to. We did. Alvin (Kamara) and I were so excited about that, that we decided to just ball out in New Orleans all afternoon, play ding dong ditch all <expletive> day with the Dong Shots!”
Pat Mahomes and Tevin Coleman combined for 58.40 fantasy points for Favre’s Dong Shots, but had they continued to ignore their lineup against the Fighting Mongooses (as they did against Lafferty Daniel, Canadian Tuxedos, Heavy Salmon and Orlando Solar Bears), they would have scored 15.40 less fantasy points in the matchup.
The Fighting Mongooses fight on against The Robot Unicorn (5-4), but will do so without the team’s third quarterback and Jets starting quarterback Sam Darnold, who sprained his foot during a freak, gasoline fight accident after the Jets’ 13-6 loss to the Dolphins.
“Rookie mistake,” Darnold told reporters, wearing a walking boot with a sticky note that says kick me on it. “I was embarrassed to tell anyone about it. So I waited as long as I could. I guess I waited until after waiver claims could be made. I got this whole lecture about ‘we reached for you in the draft to make sure we wouldn’t be one of those teams screwed without a third quarterback’ and ‘we positioned ourselves high on the waiver wire to avoid just this exact situation.’ I’m disappointed. I’m embarrassed. Played nine weeks on the bench and now that it’s finally my turn to play for the Mongooses, I let them down.”
The Fighting Mongooses were minutes late to free agency to add Jets backup Josh McCown; however, the Fighting Mongooses will not quit. The Fighting Mongooses will fight. The Fighting Mongooses will prevail! The teams pushes on and looks forward to Week 10.
“Damn shame we had to sacrifice a reality win for a fantasy win, but I did what I had to do,” Taco Charlton said, after the Dallas defense scored 7.00 fantasy points in the Cowboys’ 28-14 loss to the Titans. “I’ve been force-feeding tacos to Dak (Prescott) for weeks, just strapping him to a wall, shoving a funnel in his mouth and just packing taco meat down that dude’s throat. All for this week, just to make sure we get this win, this week. Don’t know how that helped, but trust me – it did. Don’t mess with Taco.”
Prescott scored 14.82 fantasy points in that game for Favre’s Dong Shots, but finished with two turnovers.
“He’ll join me in the morgue soon,” Sean Lee added. “Too many tacos. Dark days in Dallas.”
The 1.88 fantasy point victory should not have been as close as it was, as Favre’s Dong Shots decided to field a team at full strength against the Fighting Mongooses, the first time they have done so since Week 4.
“It was a real <expletive> dick move by the Dong Shots,” Goff said after the Rams’ 45-35 loss to the Saints. “Bye’s or injuries, they’ve started ten players who didn’t suit up the last four weeks and they decide to try against us? Why? <Expletive> <expletives>! Love that we beat them mano a mano. Others didn’t have to. We did. Alvin (Kamara) and I were so excited about that, that we decided to just ball out in New Orleans all afternoon, play ding dong ditch all <expletive> day with the Dong Shots!”
Pat Mahomes and Tevin Coleman combined for 58.40 fantasy points for Favre’s Dong Shots, but had they continued to ignore their lineup against the Fighting Mongooses (as they did against Lafferty Daniel, Canadian Tuxedos, Heavy Salmon and Orlando Solar Bears), they would have scored 15.40 less fantasy points in the matchup.
The Fighting Mongooses fight on against The Robot Unicorn (5-4), but will do so without the team’s third quarterback and Jets starting quarterback Sam Darnold, who sprained his foot during a freak, gasoline fight accident after the Jets’ 13-6 loss to the Dolphins.
“Rookie mistake,” Darnold told reporters, wearing a walking boot with a sticky note that says kick me on it. “I was embarrassed to tell anyone about it. So I waited as long as I could. I guess I waited until after waiver claims could be made. I got this whole lecture about ‘we reached for you in the draft to make sure we wouldn’t be one of those teams screwed without a third quarterback’ and ‘we positioned ourselves high on the waiver wire to avoid just this exact situation.’ I’m disappointed. I’m embarrassed. Played nine weeks on the bench and now that it’s finally my turn to play for the Mongooses, I let them down.”
The Fighting Mongooses were minutes late to free agency to add Jets backup Josh McCown; however, the Fighting Mongooses will not quit. The Fighting Mongooses will fight. The Fighting Mongooses will prevail! The teams pushes on and looks forward to Week 10.
FIGHTING MONGOOSES FIGHT FOR SECOND STRAIGHT COMEBACK WIN; DEFEAT I JUST HAD REX IN PRIMETIME
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SCRANTON, Pennsylvania (AFP) – Jared Goff scored a matchup-high 26.50 fantasy points, Kirk Cousins added 20.66 fantasy points and the Fighting Mongooses (6-2) defeated I Just Had Rex (4-4) 121.96 – 113.80 in Week 8 of the 2018 Kevin Ware Memorial League season. The Fighting Mongooses trailed 105.70 – 77.40 going into Sunday Night Football, but Cousins, Alvin Kamara and Rob Gronkowski outscored Michael Thomas 44.56 – 8.10 in the remaining two games to win the matchup.
“I was cruising along, but then I had a <expletive> epiphany!” Cousins told reporters after the Vikings’ 30-20 loss to the Saints. “I knew we needed a comeback and if I scored a touchdowns, that’s four fantasy points, but if Alvin (Kamara) scored, we’d get six. Couldn’t throw a pick, but I needed yards. So I looked at Adam (Thielen) in the huddle, grabbed his facemask and said, ‘listen, mother <expletive>! You’re going to catch this ball, get me the yards and fumble so (Alvin) Kamara can score!’ He knew I wasn’t <expletive>-ing around. It worked. Alvin scored. We won. Boom.”
“I wuz just pizzed Joe Mixon scored 25.80 (fantasy points),” Kamara said after putting up 19.60 fantasy points in that same Vikings-Saints game. “Real pizzed. Like, real pizzed. Where iz dat motha <expletive>?”
Kamara’s face went blank. He then forced his way into the I Just Had Rex locker room, where Mixon greeted Kamara with an outstretched arm, looking for a handshake. Kamara stood there, pulled out a pistol and shot Mixon in cold blood. He’s wanted for murder.
“AAAAAAAAAALLLLVVVVVIIIINNNNN!” Goff yelled at Kamara when he returned, mimicking the character Dave from Alvin and the Chipmunks. “How many times to I have to remind you! Stop killing the competition! You’re making us look bad!”
Goff and Cousins combined for 47.16 fantasy points, outscoring the I Just Had Rex quarterbacks, Brock Osweiler and Lamar Jackson, who combined for 16.08 fantasy points.
“I understand his frustration, scoreboard watching and all. Look at our matchup at QB. Lamar Jackson actually scored a touchdown. <Expletive>, he even outscored Brock (Osweiler)! Not funny at the time, since we were losing. Now it’s hilarious, kind of like Alvin’s (Kamara) murderous rampage. Classic Alvin. Seriously, though, dude’s got a problem.”
The Fighting Mongooses don’t have problems. They will look to continue their winning ways next week against Favre’s Dong Shots (4-4).
“I was cruising along, but then I had a <expletive> epiphany!” Cousins told reporters after the Vikings’ 30-20 loss to the Saints. “I knew we needed a comeback and if I scored a touchdowns, that’s four fantasy points, but if Alvin (Kamara) scored, we’d get six. Couldn’t throw a pick, but I needed yards. So I looked at Adam (Thielen) in the huddle, grabbed his facemask and said, ‘listen, mother <expletive>! You’re going to catch this ball, get me the yards and fumble so (Alvin) Kamara can score!’ He knew I wasn’t <expletive>-ing around. It worked. Alvin scored. We won. Boom.”
“I wuz just pizzed Joe Mixon scored 25.80 (fantasy points),” Kamara said after putting up 19.60 fantasy points in that same Vikings-Saints game. “Real pizzed. Like, real pizzed. Where iz dat motha <expletive>?”
Kamara’s face went blank. He then forced his way into the I Just Had Rex locker room, where Mixon greeted Kamara with an outstretched arm, looking for a handshake. Kamara stood there, pulled out a pistol and shot Mixon in cold blood. He’s wanted for murder.
“AAAAAAAAAALLLLVVVVVIIIINNNNN!” Goff yelled at Kamara when he returned, mimicking the character Dave from Alvin and the Chipmunks. “How many times to I have to remind you! Stop killing the competition! You’re making us look bad!”
Goff and Cousins combined for 47.16 fantasy points, outscoring the I Just Had Rex quarterbacks, Brock Osweiler and Lamar Jackson, who combined for 16.08 fantasy points.
“I understand his frustration, scoreboard watching and all. Look at our matchup at QB. Lamar Jackson actually scored a touchdown. <Expletive>, he even outscored Brock (Osweiler)! Not funny at the time, since we were losing. Now it’s hilarious, kind of like Alvin’s (Kamara) murderous rampage. Classic Alvin. Seriously, though, dude’s got a problem.”
The Fighting Mongooses don’t have problems. They will look to continue their winning ways next week against Favre’s Dong Shots (4-4).
FIGHTING MONGOOSES FIGHT BACK;
BEAT ORLANDO SOLAR BEARS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL
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ORLANDO, Florida (AFP) – Kirk Cousins scored a matchup-high 17.54 fantasy points and C.J. Uzomah and Harrison Butker combined for 16.30 fantasy points on Sunday Night Football to give the Fighting Mongooses (5-2) a 109.12 – 98.56 win over the Orlando Solar Bears (3-4). The Fighting Mongooses trailed 98.56 – 92.82 going into the game, but the Mongooses prevailed on Uzomah’s touchdown, one of two catches for 13 yards in the game.
“You thought you could keep C.J. Uzomah down?” Uzomah asked after the Bengals’ 45-10 loss to the Chiefs. He began to laugh maniacally.
“Fools!” he abruptly exclaimed, continuing to speak in the third person. “C.J. Uzomah is the greatest fantasy football player of all time! One does not simply stop C.J. Uzomah when victory is in sight. C.J. Uzomah is a Mongoose, a <expletive> Mongoose!”
So is Phillip Lindsay, who in his Fighting Mongooses debut, scored 15.6 fantasy points, out-dueling the man he was traded for, Devin Funchess, who scored 12.20 fantasy points in the loss for the Orlando Solar Bears.
“You need a running back, you got a running back,” Lindsay said after the Broncos’ 45-10 win over the Cardinals, wearing a full-body Mongoose Halloween costume. Lindsay stands 5’8”. “I plan on learning what it means to be a Mongoose, to always fight, to never quit, to always prevail! By the way, how long do I have to wear this Mongooses suit?”
“Until I <expletive> say so, rookie!” Cousins yelled at Lindsay. “Now go do your homework. Watch that video of the mongooses scaring the <expletive> out of those lions. That’s what you need to be like: like those lions, not like Bilal Powell, who quit. He did not fight and now he’s dead. Don’t be like Bilal Powell!”
Powell was cut after he suffered a severe case of death after the Jets’ 37-17 loss to the Vikings.
With the win, the Fighting Mongooses are in first place via tiebreaker in the Kevin Ware Memorial League. They face I Just Had Rex (4-3) next week.
“You thought you could keep C.J. Uzomah down?” Uzomah asked after the Bengals’ 45-10 loss to the Chiefs. He began to laugh maniacally.
“Fools!” he abruptly exclaimed, continuing to speak in the third person. “C.J. Uzomah is the greatest fantasy football player of all time! One does not simply stop C.J. Uzomah when victory is in sight. C.J. Uzomah is a Mongoose, a <expletive> Mongoose!”
So is Phillip Lindsay, who in his Fighting Mongooses debut, scored 15.6 fantasy points, out-dueling the man he was traded for, Devin Funchess, who scored 12.20 fantasy points in the loss for the Orlando Solar Bears.
“You need a running back, you got a running back,” Lindsay said after the Broncos’ 45-10 win over the Cardinals, wearing a full-body Mongoose Halloween costume. Lindsay stands 5’8”. “I plan on learning what it means to be a Mongoose, to always fight, to never quit, to always prevail! By the way, how long do I have to wear this Mongooses suit?”
“Until I <expletive> say so, rookie!” Cousins yelled at Lindsay. “Now go do your homework. Watch that video of the mongooses scaring the <expletive> out of those lions. That’s what you need to be like: like those lions, not like Bilal Powell, who quit. He did not fight and now he’s dead. Don’t be like Bilal Powell!”
Powell was cut after he suffered a severe case of death after the Jets’ 37-17 loss to the Vikings.
With the win, the Fighting Mongooses are in first place via tiebreaker in the Kevin Ware Memorial League. They face I Just Had Rex (4-3) next week.
FIGHTING MONGOOSES LOSE LEAD ON MONDAY NIGHT,
FALL TO HEAVY SALMON
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ALLENTOWN, Pennsylvania (AFP) – Harrison Butker scored a team-high 18.00 fantasy points, Kirk Cousins added 16.62 fantasy points, but the Fighting Mongooses (4-2) couldn’t hold on to a 6.68 fantasy point lead going into Monday Night Football, falling to Heavy Salmon (3-3) 134.88 – 112.46. The Fighting Mongooses led 112.46 – 105.78 heading into Monday Night Football, but Marquise Goodwin gave Heavy Salmon the come-from-behind win, with a 29.10 fantasy point performance.
“Un-<expletive>-believable,” Cousins said after the Vikings’ 27-17 win over the Cardinals. “Dude hasn’t put up more than 30 yards all year. 126 and a couple touchdowns against us? <Expletive> Olympians, man! I should give that <expletive> the treatment we gave Olympians when I was at Michigan State.”
Cousins paused and added, “Man, that was <expletive>-up. Forget I said that.”
The Fighting Mongooses had an opportunity to gain a big lead going into Sunday Night Football, but Rob Gronkowski and Harrison Butker only managed to out-score Stephen Gostkowski 27.70 – 22.00.
“Everyone was <expletive> obsessed with Tom Brady vs Patrick Mahomes,” Butker said after the Patriots’ 43-40 win over the Chiefs. “It was never about that! It was always about Stephen Gostkowski vs Harrison Butker! That <expletive> had to one-up me again? I know it’s never a good sign when I lead the team in scoring, but I put up 18 <expletive> fantasy points! Then he has to put up 22? <Expletive>! That was the real matchup. Why is no one talking about this? Fans are as dumb as Gronk (Rob Gronkowski)!”
Gronkowski put up 9.70 fantasy points in that game.
“I just do what Tom (Brady) says,” Gronkowski said. “Tom says ‘Gronk, stand up’ and I stand up. Although, he might have meant do stand-up, like stand-up comedy. I can be funny. You see my Tide Pods commercials?”
Gronkowski smiled.
“Tide Pods!” he said, imitating his commercials. “You guys know you can eat these, right? These kids were showing me.”
Devin Funchess added 13.40 fantasy points to the Fighting Mongooses cause in the Panthers’ 23-17 loss to the Redskins.
“I thought it was a solid outing,” Funchess said. “Just happy to contribute. I just love being a Fighting Mon—“
Funchess was cut off, as he was struck in the back of the head by a baseball bat swung my Alvin Kamara, who proceeded to stuff Funchess in a large, burlap sack. He took out a Sharpie and wrote on it To: Orlando, before shoving the bag in a nearby mailbox.
“Azz me whaz in da bag,” Kamara demanded of reporters, who were looking on in shock and horror.
They obliged.
“Bunches and bunches of Funchess,” Kamara said articulately, with a smirk.
The Fighting Mongooses face the Orlando Solar Bears (3-3) and the mangled remains of Devin Funchess in Week 7.
“Un-<expletive>-believable,” Cousins said after the Vikings’ 27-17 win over the Cardinals. “Dude hasn’t put up more than 30 yards all year. 126 and a couple touchdowns against us? <Expletive> Olympians, man! I should give that <expletive> the treatment we gave Olympians when I was at Michigan State.”
Cousins paused and added, “Man, that was <expletive>-up. Forget I said that.”
The Fighting Mongooses had an opportunity to gain a big lead going into Sunday Night Football, but Rob Gronkowski and Harrison Butker only managed to out-score Stephen Gostkowski 27.70 – 22.00.
“Everyone was <expletive> obsessed with Tom Brady vs Patrick Mahomes,” Butker said after the Patriots’ 43-40 win over the Chiefs. “It was never about that! It was always about Stephen Gostkowski vs Harrison Butker! That <expletive> had to one-up me again? I know it’s never a good sign when I lead the team in scoring, but I put up 18 <expletive> fantasy points! Then he has to put up 22? <Expletive>! That was the real matchup. Why is no one talking about this? Fans are as dumb as Gronk (Rob Gronkowski)!”
Gronkowski put up 9.70 fantasy points in that game.
“I just do what Tom (Brady) says,” Gronkowski said. “Tom says ‘Gronk, stand up’ and I stand up. Although, he might have meant do stand-up, like stand-up comedy. I can be funny. You see my Tide Pods commercials?”
Gronkowski smiled.
“Tide Pods!” he said, imitating his commercials. “You guys know you can eat these, right? These kids were showing me.”
Devin Funchess added 13.40 fantasy points to the Fighting Mongooses cause in the Panthers’ 23-17 loss to the Redskins.
“I thought it was a solid outing,” Funchess said. “Just happy to contribute. I just love being a Fighting Mon—“
Funchess was cut off, as he was struck in the back of the head by a baseball bat swung my Alvin Kamara, who proceeded to stuff Funchess in a large, burlap sack. He took out a Sharpie and wrote on it To: Orlando, before shoving the bag in a nearby mailbox.
“Azz me whaz in da bag,” Kamara demanded of reporters, who were looking on in shock and horror.
They obliged.
“Bunches and bunches of Funchess,” Kamara said articulately, with a smirk.
The Fighting Mongooses face the Orlando Solar Bears (3-3) and the mangled remains of Devin Funchess in Week 7.
KAMARA, FIGHTING MONGOOSES
SNEAK PAST CANADIAN TUXEDOS
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/1009-alvin-kamara-nola-com-4_1.jpg?1539194008)
NEW ORLEANS, Louisiana (AFP) – Kenny Golladay scored 15.80 fantasy points and Alvin Kamara scored 3.90 fantasy points, just enough on Monday Night Football for the Fighting Mongooses (4-1) to sneak past Canadian Tuxedos (1-4) 99.78 – 99.06. The 99.78 fantasy points are a season low for the Mongooses, who scored a season high 206.98 fantasy points last week.
Kamara, who came into the weekend leading the league with 105.10 fantasy points through four weeks, needed just 32 yards to give the Mongooses the win. He only managed 39 yards in the Saints’ 43-19 win over the Redskins. After the matchup, Kamara explained.
“Whyz I stop producing? Whyz I make it interestin’? Cuz I’z standz by Kap,” Kamara said, wearing a Colin Kaepernick jersey and a Make Africa Home Again hat. “Former Mongoose great, damn shame nozebodiez signed dis man. Should be onz a fantasy roster. Datz why, aight? I’z so pissed I couldn’t even focus on da game. Dat and Mark Ingram iz a <expletive> thief. <Expletive> that <expletive>!”
Kamara was asked to explain his hat.
“Oh, dis?” Kamara asked. “I’z just <expletive> with Gronk (Rob Gronkowski). Still can’t believe dat <expletive> iz so <expletive> dumb.”
Gronkowski scored 7.50 fantasy points in the Patriots’ 38-24 win over the Colts on Thursday Night Football. It was a promising start to a disappointing weekend for the fantasy team. The 99.78 fantasy points would not have been enough to beat any team other than the Canadian Tuxedos this week.
“Man it’s a good thing we played the Tuxedos this week,” Golladay said after the Lions’ 31-23 win over the Packers. “I mean, one damn touchdown? I’m the only <expletive> non-quarterback to score a <expletive> touchdown? You don’t win weeks like that. Karma, man. We lost one we should’ve won two weeks ago against the G-Strings. This is one we probably shouldn’t have won. I’ll take it.”
The 0.00 fantasy point day from Brandin Cooks exacerbated the situation for the Fighting Mongooses. The Rams’ wide receiver did not record a catch before being brutally murdered on regional television by the Seahawks’ Tedric Thompson.
“I think I’m starting to get feeling back in my neck. It’s over there on the table,” the ghost of a decapitated Cooks said after the Rams’ 33-31 win over the Seahawks. “It sucks being dead, but that’s what we sign up for. Fantasy football, man. Anything can happen and I mean anything. Going to a resurrection specialist next week. All good.”
Cooks’ Rams and Fighting Mongooses teammates Robert Woods and Jared Goff attended the funeral after the game. Cooks is questionable for Week 6.
“I will avenge him,” Goff said.
The Fighting Mongooses hope for better numbers, but another win when they take on Heavy Salmon (2-3) next week.
Kamara, who came into the weekend leading the league with 105.10 fantasy points through four weeks, needed just 32 yards to give the Mongooses the win. He only managed 39 yards in the Saints’ 43-19 win over the Redskins. After the matchup, Kamara explained.
“Whyz I stop producing? Whyz I make it interestin’? Cuz I’z standz by Kap,” Kamara said, wearing a Colin Kaepernick jersey and a Make Africa Home Again hat. “Former Mongoose great, damn shame nozebodiez signed dis man. Should be onz a fantasy roster. Datz why, aight? I’z so pissed I couldn’t even focus on da game. Dat and Mark Ingram iz a <expletive> thief. <Expletive> that <expletive>!”
Kamara was asked to explain his hat.
“Oh, dis?” Kamara asked. “I’z just <expletive> with Gronk (Rob Gronkowski). Still can’t believe dat <expletive> iz so <expletive> dumb.”
Gronkowski scored 7.50 fantasy points in the Patriots’ 38-24 win over the Colts on Thursday Night Football. It was a promising start to a disappointing weekend for the fantasy team. The 99.78 fantasy points would not have been enough to beat any team other than the Canadian Tuxedos this week.
“Man it’s a good thing we played the Tuxedos this week,” Golladay said after the Lions’ 31-23 win over the Packers. “I mean, one damn touchdown? I’m the only <expletive> non-quarterback to score a <expletive> touchdown? You don’t win weeks like that. Karma, man. We lost one we should’ve won two weeks ago against the G-Strings. This is one we probably shouldn’t have won. I’ll take it.”
The 0.00 fantasy point day from Brandin Cooks exacerbated the situation for the Fighting Mongooses. The Rams’ wide receiver did not record a catch before being brutally murdered on regional television by the Seahawks’ Tedric Thompson.
“I think I’m starting to get feeling back in my neck. It’s over there on the table,” the ghost of a decapitated Cooks said after the Rams’ 33-31 win over the Seahawks. “It sucks being dead, but that’s what we sign up for. Fantasy football, man. Anything can happen and I mean anything. Going to a resurrection specialist next week. All good.”
Cooks’ Rams and Fighting Mongooses teammates Robert Woods and Jared Goff attended the funeral after the game. Cooks is questionable for Week 6.
“I will avenge him,” Goff said.
The Fighting Mongooses hope for better numbers, but another win when they take on Heavy Salmon (2-3) next week.
GOFF IS GOOD, MONGOOSES ARE GREAT,
DEFEAT LAFFERTY DANIEL WITH RECORD 206.98 FANTASY POINTS
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/goff_1.jpg?1538513440)
WILKES-BARRE, Pennsylvania (AP) – Jared Goff scored league-high 47.30 fantasy points, Alvin Kamara added 40.10 fantasy points and the Fighting Mongooses (3-1) scored a franchise record 206.98 fantasy points in a 206.98 – 121.90 blowout win over Lafferty Daniel (2-2).
The Mongooses got off to a fantastic start on Thursday Night Football, as Goff, Kirk Cousins, Brandin Cooks ad Robert Woods combined for 121.68 fantasy points, leading the team to 94.38 fantasy point lead after the evening. The 121.68 fantasy point total from Thursday alone was more than Lafferty Daniel’s then-live projection of 121.47 fantasy points, and only 0.22 fantasy points behind the opponent’s final total of 121.90 fantasy points.
“There was only one way to beat Lafferty Daniel,” Goff said following the Rams’ 38-31 win over the Vikings. “That’s with a strategy I call ‘Gilmore Happy.’ Gotta drive that ball 400 yards, then just tap it in. Thursday, we <expletive> clobbered that golf ball, got a huge lead, and then on Sunday, we just tapped it in. Gilmore Happy.”
“By the way, shouldn’t there be a comma after Lafferty?” Cooks asked, after contributing 22.60 fantasy points to the Mongooses’ effort. “That’s the dude’s last name. And why is their logo a picture of the guy who says his name, and not Daniel Lafferty himself? Daniel Lafferty deserves more. Dude finished second in the Waterbury Open and now this disrespect? That’s what motivated me. Just sayin’.”
“What motivates me is Coach (Sean) McVay’s <expletive> hot girlfriend,” Woods added, who recorded 16.10 fantasy points. “My turn this week. It’s all in the hips.”
Woods smiled, winked and left the facility.
“Go ease the tension, baby!” Cousins called out to Woods after recording 35.68 fantasy points of his own in that same game. “Let’s just say Woods is a fitting name, and not because a damn alligator bit his hand off. That wouldn’t be good. His hands are kind of important. Like me, throwing touchdowns instead of turning the ball over. That’s important. I’m still pissed about last week.”
“So am I,” Alvin Kamara said after the Saints’ 33-18 win over Giants. “Lozin’ by 1.28 fantazy pointz? 3-1 iz good. Top ‘points for’ in da league? Great, but not good ‘nuff. Like Chris (Boswell). He wazn’t good ‘nuff. Failed hiz challenge.”
Kamara was asked what he meant about his former teammate, who he placed in a locker full of venomous snakes last week.
“A real Mongoose woulda been stronger,” Kamara said “He’z dead. Harrison (Butker) iz our kicker now.”
Kamara looked at Butker and added, “Don’t <expletive> it up!”
The Fighting Mongooses cut Chris Boswell last week and cannot confirm or deny the Steelers’ place kicker’s well-being. The Fighting Mongooses will look to continue their record-breaking success in Week 5 against the Canadian Tuxedos (1-3).
The Mongooses got off to a fantastic start on Thursday Night Football, as Goff, Kirk Cousins, Brandin Cooks ad Robert Woods combined for 121.68 fantasy points, leading the team to 94.38 fantasy point lead after the evening. The 121.68 fantasy point total from Thursday alone was more than Lafferty Daniel’s then-live projection of 121.47 fantasy points, and only 0.22 fantasy points behind the opponent’s final total of 121.90 fantasy points.
“There was only one way to beat Lafferty Daniel,” Goff said following the Rams’ 38-31 win over the Vikings. “That’s with a strategy I call ‘Gilmore Happy.’ Gotta drive that ball 400 yards, then just tap it in. Thursday, we <expletive> clobbered that golf ball, got a huge lead, and then on Sunday, we just tapped it in. Gilmore Happy.”
“By the way, shouldn’t there be a comma after Lafferty?” Cooks asked, after contributing 22.60 fantasy points to the Mongooses’ effort. “That’s the dude’s last name. And why is their logo a picture of the guy who says his name, and not Daniel Lafferty himself? Daniel Lafferty deserves more. Dude finished second in the Waterbury Open and now this disrespect? That’s what motivated me. Just sayin’.”
“What motivates me is Coach (Sean) McVay’s <expletive> hot girlfriend,” Woods added, who recorded 16.10 fantasy points. “My turn this week. It’s all in the hips.”
Woods smiled, winked and left the facility.
“Go ease the tension, baby!” Cousins called out to Woods after recording 35.68 fantasy points of his own in that same game. “Let’s just say Woods is a fitting name, and not because a damn alligator bit his hand off. That wouldn’t be good. His hands are kind of important. Like me, throwing touchdowns instead of turning the ball over. That’s important. I’m still pissed about last week.”
“So am I,” Alvin Kamara said after the Saints’ 33-18 win over Giants. “Lozin’ by 1.28 fantazy pointz? 3-1 iz good. Top ‘points for’ in da league? Great, but not good ‘nuff. Like Chris (Boswell). He wazn’t good ‘nuff. Failed hiz challenge.”
Kamara was asked what he meant about his former teammate, who he placed in a locker full of venomous snakes last week.
“A real Mongoose woulda been stronger,” Kamara said “He’z dead. Harrison (Butker) iz our kicker now.”
Kamara looked at Butker and added, “Don’t <expletive> it up!”
The Fighting Mongooses cut Chris Boswell last week and cannot confirm or deny the Steelers’ place kicker’s well-being. The Fighting Mongooses will look to continue their record-breaking success in Week 5 against the Canadian Tuxedos (1-3).
BOSWELL BUSTS, DOOMS MONGOOSES
IN HEARTBREAKING LOSS TO JIMMY G STRING DIVAZ
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/bos_1.jpg?1537908683)
ALLENTOWN, Pennsylvania (AP) – Jared Goff scored a matchup-high 29.56 fantasy points, but in what truly was the matchup of the week, the Fighting Mongooses (1-2) fell in a heartbreaker to Jimmy G String Divaz (3-0) 149.58 – 148.30. The Mongooses had a chance to win on Monday Night Football, but kicker Chris Boswell missed an extra point and a field goal, totaling just 5.00 fantasy points resulting in the 1.28 fantasy point defeat.
“I’m scared,” a trembling Boswell said after the Steelers’ 30-27 win over the Buccaneers. “I know the punishment for failure can be—“
Boswell was grabbed from behind by Alvin Kamara, who opened a locker full of live cobras and shoved Boswell inside.
“Chris Boswell iz not available fo comment,” Kamara said, who scored 19.00 fantasy points in the Saints’ 43-37 overtime win over the Falcons. “Dead snakes ain’t enough for dat <expletive>! We need some Indiana Jones <expletive>!”
Kamara ignored screams of unimaginable tournament coming from the locker behind him.
“Da snake locker now gots live snakes, aight?” Kamara continued. “You wanna be a Mongoose? Kill dem snakes! Dis iz how failure iz reconciled in N’Orleans.”
Kamara began playing Voodoo by Godsmack. He closed his eyes. When he re-opened them, his pupils had disappeared. He then began to sing along:
“I'm not the one who's so far away. When I feel the snake bite enter my veins. Never did I want to be here again and I don't remember why I came.”
The screams eventually stopped.
“It’s not just Chris, although it is mainly that <expletive>’s fault,” Goff added. “That pass to Brandin (Cooks) got to the one-inch line. Should have been a touchdown for both of us. Alvin had a touchdown called back on a B.S. penalty. Colts getting’ over 200 yards on Philly on the last play. Deshaun Watson throwing that meaningless touchdown as time expired. Fantasy football <expletive> blows. We’re just miserable here in L.A.”
Carlos Hyde added 22.30 fantasy points for the Fighting Mongooses in the Browns’ 21-17 win over the Jets. The two touchdown performance came on Hyde’s 28th birthday. After the game, he rushed to the hospital for the birth of his son.
“One of the worst days of my life,” Hyde said with tears in his eyes. “Fantasy football is everything. Everything!”
Hyde was pressed about the happiness he must be feeling after his son’s birth.
“Yeah, whatever. My wife has it. Love them both,” he said sarcastically. “Don’t tell my girlfriend.”
Bilal Powell added 7.30 fantasy points in that same game, but it could have been more.
“I want to read you a story,” Powell said, reading from his phone. “It’s called The New York Jets Boxscore: Rushing. Bilal Powell: 14 carries, 73 yards, 5.2 yards per carry. Isaiah Crowell: 16 carries, 34 yards, 2.1 yards per carry.” Powell put his phone away and continued. “Why the <expletive> is that <expletive> stealing my carries, stealing my touchdowns? It aint that hard, Todd Bowles! I’m the better running back! Let that <expletive> go <expletive> more footballs out of his <expletive> somewhere else!”
Rob Gronkowski also disappointed for the Mongooses, recording just 5.10 fantasy points in the Patriots’ 26-10 loss to the Lions. Gronkowski was almost traded to Detroit this offseason, but he rejected the trade, something Gronkowski credited for his poor fantasy performance.
“Just something about being here threw me off,” Gronkowski said. “They came to me this summer. Bill (Belichick) said ‘We want to trade you. You OK being a Lion?’ Couldn’t wrap my head around it. I tried. Went to Africa. Tried chasing down and eating a gazelle. Tasted weird. Tried to <expletive> a lioness. She wasn’t havin’ it. I like being human. Had to turn down the offer. Then this week, we were here. Bill (Belichick) was like, ‘You <expletive> idiot! We meant the Detroit Lions. How dumb are you?’ I’m still confused. Was thinking about it all game. Never got in a rhythm.”
The Fighting Mongooses will look to get back into their rhythm next week against Lafferty Daniel (2-1).
“I’m scared,” a trembling Boswell said after the Steelers’ 30-27 win over the Buccaneers. “I know the punishment for failure can be—“
Boswell was grabbed from behind by Alvin Kamara, who opened a locker full of live cobras and shoved Boswell inside.
“Chris Boswell iz not available fo comment,” Kamara said, who scored 19.00 fantasy points in the Saints’ 43-37 overtime win over the Falcons. “Dead snakes ain’t enough for dat <expletive>! We need some Indiana Jones <expletive>!”
Kamara ignored screams of unimaginable tournament coming from the locker behind him.
“Da snake locker now gots live snakes, aight?” Kamara continued. “You wanna be a Mongoose? Kill dem snakes! Dis iz how failure iz reconciled in N’Orleans.”
Kamara began playing Voodoo by Godsmack. He closed his eyes. When he re-opened them, his pupils had disappeared. He then began to sing along:
“I'm not the one who's so far away. When I feel the snake bite enter my veins. Never did I want to be here again and I don't remember why I came.”
The screams eventually stopped.
“It’s not just Chris, although it is mainly that <expletive>’s fault,” Goff added. “That pass to Brandin (Cooks) got to the one-inch line. Should have been a touchdown for both of us. Alvin had a touchdown called back on a B.S. penalty. Colts getting’ over 200 yards on Philly on the last play. Deshaun Watson throwing that meaningless touchdown as time expired. Fantasy football <expletive> blows. We’re just miserable here in L.A.”
Carlos Hyde added 22.30 fantasy points for the Fighting Mongooses in the Browns’ 21-17 win over the Jets. The two touchdown performance came on Hyde’s 28th birthday. After the game, he rushed to the hospital for the birth of his son.
“One of the worst days of my life,” Hyde said with tears in his eyes. “Fantasy football is everything. Everything!”
Hyde was pressed about the happiness he must be feeling after his son’s birth.
“Yeah, whatever. My wife has it. Love them both,” he said sarcastically. “Don’t tell my girlfriend.”
Bilal Powell added 7.30 fantasy points in that same game, but it could have been more.
“I want to read you a story,” Powell said, reading from his phone. “It’s called The New York Jets Boxscore: Rushing. Bilal Powell: 14 carries, 73 yards, 5.2 yards per carry. Isaiah Crowell: 16 carries, 34 yards, 2.1 yards per carry.” Powell put his phone away and continued. “Why the <expletive> is that <expletive> stealing my carries, stealing my touchdowns? It aint that hard, Todd Bowles! I’m the better running back! Let that <expletive> go <expletive> more footballs out of his <expletive> somewhere else!”
Rob Gronkowski also disappointed for the Mongooses, recording just 5.10 fantasy points in the Patriots’ 26-10 loss to the Lions. Gronkowski was almost traded to Detroit this offseason, but he rejected the trade, something Gronkowski credited for his poor fantasy performance.
“Just something about being here threw me off,” Gronkowski said. “They came to me this summer. Bill (Belichick) said ‘We want to trade you. You OK being a Lion?’ Couldn’t wrap my head around it. I tried. Went to Africa. Tried chasing down and eating a gazelle. Tasted weird. Tried to <expletive> a lioness. She wasn’t havin’ it. I like being human. Had to turn down the offer. Then this week, we were here. Bill (Belichick) was like, ‘You <expletive> idiot! We meant the Detroit Lions. How dumb are you?’ I’m still confused. Was thinking about it all game. Never got in a rhythm.”
The Fighting Mongooses will look to get back into their rhythm next week against Lafferty Daniel (2-1).
mongooses manhandle mama;
cousins likes it
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/cousins_1.jpg?1537285822)
MOOSIC, Pennsylvania (AP) – Kirk Cousins scored a matchup-high 37.50 fantasy points, Jared Goff added 18.36 fantasy points and the Fighting Mongooses (2-0) defeated Mama’s Back (0-2) 136.46 – 103.30.
“Great win for our fantasy football team,” Cousins said after the Vikings’ 29-29 tie with the Packers. “I was at like 25, could have been 23 after that ‘pick,’ but at that time, it was still close. Mama’s Back could have come back. So, took matters into my own hands. Made sure Clay (Matthews) hit me. Anywhere. I knew it wasn’t high, wasn’t low, but it’s actually a seldom enforced rule.”
Cousins opened his locked and pulled out the NFL Rule Book.
“‘Rule 44, article 9, amendment 7,’” Cousins read. “’When the result of the play is of detriment to the Fighting Mongooses, the official may rectify the issue at his/her own discretion, including--but not limited to--calling a phantom penalty.’”
Cousins closed the book.
“There it is. Clear as day. They got call right as far as I’m concerned. I got the two fantasy points back, added some yards, touchdowns, a two-point conversion, <expletive>, even some overtime stats! It all worked out.”
Cousins left, emptying his pockets, dropping dozens of dimes.
“Sorry, all I do is drop dimes,” Cousins said. “Yeah, you like that.”
“I get it, Kirk (Cousins). It’s all about getting that ‘W,’” Goff said after the Rams’ 34-0 win over the Cardinals. “It’s like what we did in L.A. Brandin (Cooks) and I were rollin’ along, but Todd (Gurley) kept steeling the <expletive> touchdowns. So, by the 4th quarter, Sean McVay told him, ‘look, give Jared a touchdown and you can <expletive> my smokin’ hot girlfriend.’ Guess that did the trick. I got in the endzone the next series.”
“Haven’t seen Todd since the end of the game,” Cooks added after recording 15.90 fantasy points in that game. “I think we all know what’s going on. <Expletive>. I’m talking <expletive>. <Expletive> with his <expletive> <expletive> <expletive> <expletive>.”
Cooks smiled and added, “I’m gonna be next. We open-minded in LA.”
Cooks was one of five non-quarterbacks to score double-digit fantasy points in the win. Jets running back Bilal Powell and Buccaneers wide receiver Chris Godwin were inserted into the lineup this week. They both scored touchdowns and recorded 14.00 and 11.60 fantasy points respectively.
“Fitz-magic?” Godwin asked after the Buccaneers’ 27-21 win over the Eagles. “Not sure what y’all watchin’, but it’s all me. If there’s one thing we learn at Penn State, it’s to always be selfish. Never be a team player. It’s all about stats and fantasy football. That’s what James Franklin preaches. Now where’s Desean Jackson? Ryan (Fitzpatrick) may have stolen his clothes. I gotta steal his touches. Gonna do that by any means necessary.”
Godwin opened his locker to reveal a medieval mace.
“What’s up?” Godwin asked.
Mama’s Back did not make the same correct moves, as the opponent benched Matt Ryan and his 30.68 fantasy points.
“That was dumb,” Chris Boswell said after scoring just 2.00 fantasy points in the Steelers’ 42-37 loss to the Chiefs. “If I did something that stupid, I’d end up in the snake locker.”
The Fighting Mongooses have a huge week 3 matchup against Jimmy G String Divas (2-0), a matchup that excites Rob Gronkowski.
“G String Divas next week?” Gronkowski said, after scoring a season-low 1.50 fantasy points in the Patriots’ 31-20 loss to the Jaguars. “We get to bang some <expletive> some porn stars? Nice! Now you speaking my language! Jimmy knows how to throw a party.”
Winner of this marquee matchup will improve to 3-0 in the Kevin Ware Memorial League season.
“Great win for our fantasy football team,” Cousins said after the Vikings’ 29-29 tie with the Packers. “I was at like 25, could have been 23 after that ‘pick,’ but at that time, it was still close. Mama’s Back could have come back. So, took matters into my own hands. Made sure Clay (Matthews) hit me. Anywhere. I knew it wasn’t high, wasn’t low, but it’s actually a seldom enforced rule.”
Cousins opened his locked and pulled out the NFL Rule Book.
“‘Rule 44, article 9, amendment 7,’” Cousins read. “’When the result of the play is of detriment to the Fighting Mongooses, the official may rectify the issue at his/her own discretion, including--but not limited to--calling a phantom penalty.’”
Cousins closed the book.
“There it is. Clear as day. They got call right as far as I’m concerned. I got the two fantasy points back, added some yards, touchdowns, a two-point conversion, <expletive>, even some overtime stats! It all worked out.”
Cousins left, emptying his pockets, dropping dozens of dimes.
“Sorry, all I do is drop dimes,” Cousins said. “Yeah, you like that.”
“I get it, Kirk (Cousins). It’s all about getting that ‘W,’” Goff said after the Rams’ 34-0 win over the Cardinals. “It’s like what we did in L.A. Brandin (Cooks) and I were rollin’ along, but Todd (Gurley) kept steeling the <expletive> touchdowns. So, by the 4th quarter, Sean McVay told him, ‘look, give Jared a touchdown and you can <expletive> my smokin’ hot girlfriend.’ Guess that did the trick. I got in the endzone the next series.”
“Haven’t seen Todd since the end of the game,” Cooks added after recording 15.90 fantasy points in that game. “I think we all know what’s going on. <Expletive>. I’m talking <expletive>. <Expletive> with his <expletive> <expletive> <expletive> <expletive>.”
Cooks smiled and added, “I’m gonna be next. We open-minded in LA.”
Cooks was one of five non-quarterbacks to score double-digit fantasy points in the win. Jets running back Bilal Powell and Buccaneers wide receiver Chris Godwin were inserted into the lineup this week. They both scored touchdowns and recorded 14.00 and 11.60 fantasy points respectively.
“Fitz-magic?” Godwin asked after the Buccaneers’ 27-21 win over the Eagles. “Not sure what y’all watchin’, but it’s all me. If there’s one thing we learn at Penn State, it’s to always be selfish. Never be a team player. It’s all about stats and fantasy football. That’s what James Franklin preaches. Now where’s Desean Jackson? Ryan (Fitzpatrick) may have stolen his clothes. I gotta steal his touches. Gonna do that by any means necessary.”
Godwin opened his locker to reveal a medieval mace.
“What’s up?” Godwin asked.
Mama’s Back did not make the same correct moves, as the opponent benched Matt Ryan and his 30.68 fantasy points.
“That was dumb,” Chris Boswell said after scoring just 2.00 fantasy points in the Steelers’ 42-37 loss to the Chiefs. “If I did something that stupid, I’d end up in the snake locker.”
The Fighting Mongooses have a huge week 3 matchup against Jimmy G String Divas (2-0), a matchup that excites Rob Gronkowski.
“G String Divas next week?” Gronkowski said, after scoring a season-low 1.50 fantasy points in the Patriots’ 31-20 loss to the Jaguars. “We get to bang some <expletive> some porn stars? Nice! Now you speaking my language! Jimmy knows how to throw a party.”
Winner of this marquee matchup will improve to 3-0 in the Kevin Ware Memorial League season.
KAMARA RUNS WILD, AS FIGHTING MONGOOSES
MOVE TO 1-0 IN 2018
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/kamara_1.jpg?1536853622)
EAST BRUNSWICK, New Jersey (AP) – Alvin Kamara scored a match-up-high 34.10 fantasy points, Kirk Cousins added 20.36 fantasy sports, and in the closest match-up of the opening week of the Kevin Ware Memorial League season, the Fighting Mongooses (1-0) defeated BlainesRealAmericans (0-1) 140.38 – 135.74.
“I was ready. I mean I was <expletive> ready,” Kamara said after scoring three touchdowns in the Saints’ 48-40 loss to the Buccaneers. “Rookie year. Well, I guess last year was my rookie year, but dis was my real rookie year. My first year as a Mongoose, baby! Hads all dese pet snakes, <expletive> cobras, back home. As soon as I gots drafted, I gots me a bunch of rabid mongooses, threw dem in da cage, waited to see what happened. Guess what? Dem mongooses attacked the <expletive> out of dose snakes. Ain’t nothin’ left. Dat’s how I’s gonna play, man. <Expletive> attack mode! All dem’s <expletives> cobras. I’m’s a <expletive> mongoose! Look da <expletive> out!”
Kamara opened his locker to reveal 37 dead snakes. He then proceeded to put one around his neck on top of his chains.
“Dat’s what’s up,” Kamara said as he closed his locker and left the room.
“Dude is <expletive> crazy,” Chris Boswell said after scoring three fantasy points in the Steelers’ 21-21 tie with the Browns. “Coach said if I miss another kick, I gotta go inside the snake locker. I don’t want to go inside the snake locker.”
No reporters were speaking with Boswell.
“Talking to yourself again, huh Boz?” Cousins said to Boswell after the Vikings’ 24-16 win over the 49ers. He then turned to reporters. “Dude’s a freak, but I like it. This is a team full of freaks, but we all have one goal in mind: to win that fantasy championship. So much more important than reality. So much. Like, I can’t even begin to describe how much more. This is a proud fantasy franchise, won this thing two years ago. We need to win it again. This is a good start.”
Rob Gronkowski added 16.30 fantasy points in the win, as the Fighting Mongooses improved to 1-0 on the season.
“Dude, this offseason, I went up to Bill (Belichik) and I was like ‘Bro, I’m done with the Patriots. Trade me to the Fighting Mongooses,” Gronkowski explained after the Patriots’ 27-20 win over the Texans. “And he was like, ‘Gronk, that’s a fantasy football team, you idiot. We can’t trade you to a fantasy football team.’ He was looking at me like he looks at you guys. You know, with the condescending hatred for the media. Not gonna lie, I was so fed up with that bull <expletive> answer that I was gonna retire, but now I’m here. So I guess they figured that paperwork and <expletive> out. Anyone got a dead snake. I need a dead snake. Alvin (Kamara)?”
The Mongooses got off to a great start on Thursday night by the Philadelphia defense/special teams, which scored 13.00 fantasy points in the Eagles’ 18-12 win over the Falcons. The Eagles gave up 299 yards in the win, one yard and two reality points shy of the next fantasy point deduction thresholds.
“The Falcons’ red zone offense is <expletive>,” Malcom Jenkins said. “That, and we all Mongooses now. I mean this is what we all playing for.”
Jenkins was reminded that the Eagles won the Super Bowl last season.
“Super Bowl. Kevin Ware Memorial League Championship. Come on, it’s like night and day. We use the Lombardi Trophy as a <expletive> coat rack. Get out of reality, man. Fantasy is everything.”
The Fighting Mongooses are paired against Mama’s Back (0-1) in week 2.
“I was ready. I mean I was <expletive> ready,” Kamara said after scoring three touchdowns in the Saints’ 48-40 loss to the Buccaneers. “Rookie year. Well, I guess last year was my rookie year, but dis was my real rookie year. My first year as a Mongoose, baby! Hads all dese pet snakes, <expletive> cobras, back home. As soon as I gots drafted, I gots me a bunch of rabid mongooses, threw dem in da cage, waited to see what happened. Guess what? Dem mongooses attacked the <expletive> out of dose snakes. Ain’t nothin’ left. Dat’s how I’s gonna play, man. <Expletive> attack mode! All dem’s <expletives> cobras. I’m’s a <expletive> mongoose! Look da <expletive> out!”
Kamara opened his locker to reveal 37 dead snakes. He then proceeded to put one around his neck on top of his chains.
“Dat’s what’s up,” Kamara said as he closed his locker and left the room.
“Dude is <expletive> crazy,” Chris Boswell said after scoring three fantasy points in the Steelers’ 21-21 tie with the Browns. “Coach said if I miss another kick, I gotta go inside the snake locker. I don’t want to go inside the snake locker.”
No reporters were speaking with Boswell.
“Talking to yourself again, huh Boz?” Cousins said to Boswell after the Vikings’ 24-16 win over the 49ers. He then turned to reporters. “Dude’s a freak, but I like it. This is a team full of freaks, but we all have one goal in mind: to win that fantasy championship. So much more important than reality. So much. Like, I can’t even begin to describe how much more. This is a proud fantasy franchise, won this thing two years ago. We need to win it again. This is a good start.”
Rob Gronkowski added 16.30 fantasy points in the win, as the Fighting Mongooses improved to 1-0 on the season.
“Dude, this offseason, I went up to Bill (Belichik) and I was like ‘Bro, I’m done with the Patriots. Trade me to the Fighting Mongooses,” Gronkowski explained after the Patriots’ 27-20 win over the Texans. “And he was like, ‘Gronk, that’s a fantasy football team, you idiot. We can’t trade you to a fantasy football team.’ He was looking at me like he looks at you guys. You know, with the condescending hatred for the media. Not gonna lie, I was so fed up with that bull <expletive> answer that I was gonna retire, but now I’m here. So I guess they figured that paperwork and <expletive> out. Anyone got a dead snake. I need a dead snake. Alvin (Kamara)?”
The Mongooses got off to a great start on Thursday night by the Philadelphia defense/special teams, which scored 13.00 fantasy points in the Eagles’ 18-12 win over the Falcons. The Eagles gave up 299 yards in the win, one yard and two reality points shy of the next fantasy point deduction thresholds.
“The Falcons’ red zone offense is <expletive>,” Malcom Jenkins said. “That, and we all Mongooses now. I mean this is what we all playing for.”
Jenkins was reminded that the Eagles won the Super Bowl last season.
“Super Bowl. Kevin Ware Memorial League Championship. Come on, it’s like night and day. We use the Lombardi Trophy as a <expletive> coat rack. Get out of reality, man. Fantasy is everything.”
The Fighting Mongooses are paired against Mama’s Back (0-1) in week 2.
fighting mongooses win!
finish the season 5-8
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/boswell_1.jpg?1513227429)
HOUSTON, Texas (AP) – The Los Angeles Rams defense scored a match-up-high 22.00 fantasy points, Jared Goff added 15.00 fantasy points, Chis Boswell hit a key, late field goal, and the Fighting Mongooses (5-8) closed out the season with a 88.60 – 83.78 win over Dak to Dak (7-6), snapping the team’s five game losing streak.
“This isn’t where we wanted to be, but at least we closed out the season with a win,” Goff said after the Rams’ 32-16 win over the Cardinals. “<Expletive>! If only they traded for me sooner! I could have helped them more! I just feel bad for Jameis (Winston) and Melvin (Gordon). Those guys have been through the wars, man. And I’m not talking about one of those made-up wars like actual war. I’m talking about fantasy football—the only real war.”
Gordon scored 10.60 fantasy points in the win over Dak to Dak, the second win over Dak to Dak this season for the Fighting Mongooses. Winston was benched in favor of Tyrod Taylor, who scored just 3.80 fantasy points before getting hurt. Winston left his 18.60 fantasy points on the bench.
“It’s been a fun ride,” Gordon said, fighting back tears. “I got my ring. Fighting Mongooses! 2016 champs! No one can take that away from me! NO ONE! I’ll <expletive> kill them if they try! Just wish things were different this year. Wish Aaron Rodgers didn’t get hurt, making Jordy (Nelson) a <expletive> afterthought. Wish Jay (Ajayi) was the guy he was last year. Same for Jameis (Winston) and Hunter (Henry). Damn shame.”
“It is a damn shame,” Henry added. “It’s a damn shame this year has been tainted by protests, but someone needed to stand up for what’s right. Someone needed to stand up for Kevin Ware. I don’t even remember what the cause was, but it had something to do with me mooning a computer screen. <Expletive> it! This season <expletive> sucked.”
The Mongooses won the week on a late Chris Boswell field goal in the Steelers' 23-20 comeback win over the Bengals, which as it turned out, knocked Dak to Dak out of the playoffs, giving the final spot to I Just Had Rex. I Just Had Rex owner Kevin Brown sent out a press release claiming, in part, "I WILL PERFORM ANY FAVORS CHRIS BOSWELL DEMANDS." Boswell responded after the game.
"All bow before the great and powerful Wizard of BOZ!" Boswell said as a hologram, standing behind literal smoke and mirrors in the Fighting Mongooses facilities. "I have several demands for one Kevin Brown. From this day forth, any and all winnings must be shared with the Fighting Mongooses. Secondly, you must praise my greatness on national TV. I also want a bunch of puppies. Like, at least five puppies. I just had Rex... and it feels sooooooooooo gooooooooood!"
Boswell emerged from a nearby curtain.
"That was weird, man. Who was that guy? Questions?"
Like Boswell, Winston and Gordon cannot be kept next season. Unless they are drafted again, they will not be Fighting Mongooses next season.
“I gave this fantasy team everything I had. Everything!” Winston exclaimed. “But you know what? It just wasn’t meant to be. Me and Melvin (Gordon), we got ours. I just feel bad we couldn’t get our fans another one this year. Well, not that bad actually. Aight, I’m out of here. See you guys later. I’m gonna call me an Uber. They got the best drivers, you know what I’m saying? The best!”
Vikings quarterback Teddy Bridgewater was the last Mongoose to clean out his fantasy locker. He did so while addressing the media.
“My time will come,” Bridgewater said. “Mongooses never quit. Mongooses will fight. Mongooses will prevail! 2018, guys. 2018! Now where’s that Case Keenum? You think I almost lost my leg? See what happens to that <expletive>!”
The Fighting Mongooses will return in 2018 ready to reclaim the title that is rightfully theirs.
“This isn’t where we wanted to be, but at least we closed out the season with a win,” Goff said after the Rams’ 32-16 win over the Cardinals. “<Expletive>! If only they traded for me sooner! I could have helped them more! I just feel bad for Jameis (Winston) and Melvin (Gordon). Those guys have been through the wars, man. And I’m not talking about one of those made-up wars like actual war. I’m talking about fantasy football—the only real war.”
Gordon scored 10.60 fantasy points in the win over Dak to Dak, the second win over Dak to Dak this season for the Fighting Mongooses. Winston was benched in favor of Tyrod Taylor, who scored just 3.80 fantasy points before getting hurt. Winston left his 18.60 fantasy points on the bench.
“It’s been a fun ride,” Gordon said, fighting back tears. “I got my ring. Fighting Mongooses! 2016 champs! No one can take that away from me! NO ONE! I’ll <expletive> kill them if they try! Just wish things were different this year. Wish Aaron Rodgers didn’t get hurt, making Jordy (Nelson) a <expletive> afterthought. Wish Jay (Ajayi) was the guy he was last year. Same for Jameis (Winston) and Hunter (Henry). Damn shame.”
“It is a damn shame,” Henry added. “It’s a damn shame this year has been tainted by protests, but someone needed to stand up for what’s right. Someone needed to stand up for Kevin Ware. I don’t even remember what the cause was, but it had something to do with me mooning a computer screen. <Expletive> it! This season <expletive> sucked.”
The Mongooses won the week on a late Chris Boswell field goal in the Steelers' 23-20 comeback win over the Bengals, which as it turned out, knocked Dak to Dak out of the playoffs, giving the final spot to I Just Had Rex. I Just Had Rex owner Kevin Brown sent out a press release claiming, in part, "I WILL PERFORM ANY FAVORS CHRIS BOSWELL DEMANDS." Boswell responded after the game.
"All bow before the great and powerful Wizard of BOZ!" Boswell said as a hologram, standing behind literal smoke and mirrors in the Fighting Mongooses facilities. "I have several demands for one Kevin Brown. From this day forth, any and all winnings must be shared with the Fighting Mongooses. Secondly, you must praise my greatness on national TV. I also want a bunch of puppies. Like, at least five puppies. I just had Rex... and it feels sooooooooooo gooooooooood!"
Boswell emerged from a nearby curtain.
"That was weird, man. Who was that guy? Questions?"
Like Boswell, Winston and Gordon cannot be kept next season. Unless they are drafted again, they will not be Fighting Mongooses next season.
“I gave this fantasy team everything I had. Everything!” Winston exclaimed. “But you know what? It just wasn’t meant to be. Me and Melvin (Gordon), we got ours. I just feel bad we couldn’t get our fans another one this year. Well, not that bad actually. Aight, I’m out of here. See you guys later. I’m gonna call me an Uber. They got the best drivers, you know what I’m saying? The best!”
Vikings quarterback Teddy Bridgewater was the last Mongoose to clean out his fantasy locker. He did so while addressing the media.
“My time will come,” Bridgewater said. “Mongooses never quit. Mongooses will fight. Mongooses will prevail! 2018, guys. 2018! Now where’s that Case Keenum? You think I almost lost my leg? See what happens to that <expletive>!”
The Fighting Mongooses will return in 2018 ready to reclaim the title that is rightfully theirs.
fighting mongooses fight,
yet fall to heavy salmon in blow out
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/goff-new_1.jpg?1512103207)
ALLENTOWN, Penn. (AP) – Jared Goff scored a team-high 19.86 fantasy points, Tyrod Taylor added 14.02 fantasy points, but the Fighting Mongooses (4-8) lost a 5th consecutive matchup, falling 161.76 – 87.38 to Heavy Salmon (9-3). The defending champion Mongooses are eliminated from playoff contention in the Kevin Ware Memorial League in 2017.
“It’s tough,” Goff struggled to say after the Rams’ thrilling 26-20 win over the Saints. “If only I was traded here earlier. Maybe, just maybe things would have been different. I just feel like I’ve let Kevin Ware down. We do everything for him. Everything. I’m sorry, Kevin. I’m so sorry.”
Chargers running back Melvin Gordon added 8.80 fantasy points in the loss. Gordon was fighting back tears after his Chargers dismantled the Cowboys 28-6 on Thanksgiving.
“I’m just so thankful to be a Mongoose,” Gordon began. “These two years have been the best two years of my life and there’s no guarantee I’ll be back next year.”
Gordon began to weep, and continued.
“I know I can’t be kept. <Expletive> those keeper rules! Don’t care what anyone says. No matter where I am next year, I will be forever a Mongoose!”
Former Mongoose Julio Jones scored 42.80 fantasy points for Heavy Salmon, his first 40-point fantasy performance since he put up 40.00 fantasy points as a Fighting Mongoose last season against the then-Canadian Tuxedos.
“Julio!” Jameis Winston exclaimed! “You ain’t a Mongoose no more! You ain’t gotta do that no more! <Expletive>! Melvin (Gordon) and me, man, this is it. This is <expletive> it! This ain’t how I wanted to go, man. Forever a Mongoose, Melvin! Forever a <expletive> Mongoose!”
Winston and Gordon said no more, but looked at each other with mutual understanding. Nothing more needed to be said.
The loss was the second this season against Heavy Salmon, who beat the Mongooses 111.72 – 72.00 in week one. After sweeping the season series, Heavy Salmon owner Dan Moscaritolo released the following statement via text message:
“We at Heavy Salmon realize every team goes through a rebuilding phase, even league champs like the Fighting Mongooses. There’s no one we respect more.”
“Straight class,” Taylor said in response to Moscaritolo’s remarks.
“Respect is mutual,” Jay Ajayi added.
“<Expletive> Lonnie Chisenhall!” Corey Davis said.
The Fighting Mongooses close out the season hoping to play spoiler against Dak to Dak (7-5)
“It’s tough,” Goff struggled to say after the Rams’ thrilling 26-20 win over the Saints. “If only I was traded here earlier. Maybe, just maybe things would have been different. I just feel like I’ve let Kevin Ware down. We do everything for him. Everything. I’m sorry, Kevin. I’m so sorry.”
Chargers running back Melvin Gordon added 8.80 fantasy points in the loss. Gordon was fighting back tears after his Chargers dismantled the Cowboys 28-6 on Thanksgiving.
“I’m just so thankful to be a Mongoose,” Gordon began. “These two years have been the best two years of my life and there’s no guarantee I’ll be back next year.”
Gordon began to weep, and continued.
“I know I can’t be kept. <Expletive> those keeper rules! Don’t care what anyone says. No matter where I am next year, I will be forever a Mongoose!”
Former Mongoose Julio Jones scored 42.80 fantasy points for Heavy Salmon, his first 40-point fantasy performance since he put up 40.00 fantasy points as a Fighting Mongoose last season against the then-Canadian Tuxedos.
“Julio!” Jameis Winston exclaimed! “You ain’t a Mongoose no more! You ain’t gotta do that no more! <Expletive>! Melvin (Gordon) and me, man, this is it. This is <expletive> it! This ain’t how I wanted to go, man. Forever a Mongoose, Melvin! Forever a <expletive> Mongoose!”
Winston and Gordon said no more, but looked at each other with mutual understanding. Nothing more needed to be said.
The loss was the second this season against Heavy Salmon, who beat the Mongooses 111.72 – 72.00 in week one. After sweeping the season series, Heavy Salmon owner Dan Moscaritolo released the following statement via text message:
“We at Heavy Salmon realize every team goes through a rebuilding phase, even league champs like the Fighting Mongooses. There’s no one we respect more.”
“Straight class,” Taylor said in response to Moscaritolo’s remarks.
“Respect is mutual,” Jay Ajayi added.
“<Expletive> Lonnie Chisenhall!” Corey Davis said.
The Fighting Mongooses close out the season hoping to play spoiler against Dak to Dak (7-5)
MONGOOSES LOSE ON MONDAY NIGHT AGAIN;
SUBMIT TO THE ROBOT UNICRON
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/636467707972282249-ryan-fitzpatrick_1.jpg?1511495977)
SYRACUSE, New York (AP) – Ryan Fitzpatrick led the team with 19.90 fantasy points, Melvin Gordon added 14.00 fantasy points, but the Fighting Mongooses (4-7) lost again, falling 136.62 – 99.90 to The Robot Unicorn (8-3). The loss is the fourth straight for the Mongooses, essentially keeping them out of the playoffs.
“(Hiccup) Hey DeSean (Jackson), can I quit now?” Fitzpatrick drunkenly asked, holding a nearly empty bottle of rum in his hand. “I tried. I actually tried. We can’t fight, (hiccup). How the <expletive> can we prevail? (Hiccup).”
“Enough of this <expletive>!” Jackson snapped, grabbing the bottle from his Buccaneers teammate. “You really giving up? Why you drinking this <expletive>?”
“I’m a pirate,” Fitzpatrick said. “(Hiccup). Buccaneers are pirates (hiccup). Pirates drink rum. I learned that at Harvard (hiccup).”
Fitzpatrick dropped the bottle, turned to his left and began to vomit on Jameis Winston’s lap.
"Why is the rum gone?" Fitzpatrick asked.
“I deserve this,” Winston said.
“We all deserve that,” Gordon said after the Chargers’ 54-24 win over the Bills. “To think this was a championship team last year with me and Jameis (Winston). Now look at us. Pitiful. Pathetic. It pains me to think we likely won’t be repeating this year. Damn shame. Damn shame.”
The loss marked the fourth time this season the Mongooses entered the Monday Night Football game with a lead and still lost. Seattle quarterback Russell Wilson and Atlanta kicker Matt Bryant combined for 41.92 fantasy points to win it for The Robot Unicorn.
“I’d love ta punch dat <expletive> Russell Wilson right in da face, right in his big, ugly face,” LeGarrette Blount said, after scoring 5.70 fantasy points in his fighting Mongooses debut. “Thought all dem gooses needed was a blount to go with their jay. (Jay) Ajayi wasn’t cuttin’ it hisself. <Expletive> this! Never dealt wit dis <expletive> at the Shuffles! Dey got the luck dis year!”
Blount punched Ajayi in the face, who subsequently fell into Winton’s lap full of Fitzpatrick’s vomit. Blount then abruptly left, saying hi to new Mongooses quarterback Tyrod Taylor on his way out.
“My God, what have I gotten myself into?” Taylor asked himself.
The Fighting Mongooses face Heavy Salmon (8-3) in week 12.
“(Hiccup) Hey DeSean (Jackson), can I quit now?” Fitzpatrick drunkenly asked, holding a nearly empty bottle of rum in his hand. “I tried. I actually tried. We can’t fight, (hiccup). How the <expletive> can we prevail? (Hiccup).”
“Enough of this <expletive>!” Jackson snapped, grabbing the bottle from his Buccaneers teammate. “You really giving up? Why you drinking this <expletive>?”
“I’m a pirate,” Fitzpatrick said. “(Hiccup). Buccaneers are pirates (hiccup). Pirates drink rum. I learned that at Harvard (hiccup).”
Fitzpatrick dropped the bottle, turned to his left and began to vomit on Jameis Winston’s lap.
"Why is the rum gone?" Fitzpatrick asked.
“I deserve this,” Winston said.
“We all deserve that,” Gordon said after the Chargers’ 54-24 win over the Bills. “To think this was a championship team last year with me and Jameis (Winston). Now look at us. Pitiful. Pathetic. It pains me to think we likely won’t be repeating this year. Damn shame. Damn shame.”
The loss marked the fourth time this season the Mongooses entered the Monday Night Football game with a lead and still lost. Seattle quarterback Russell Wilson and Atlanta kicker Matt Bryant combined for 41.92 fantasy points to win it for The Robot Unicorn.
“I’d love ta punch dat <expletive> Russell Wilson right in da face, right in his big, ugly face,” LeGarrette Blount said, after scoring 5.70 fantasy points in his fighting Mongooses debut. “Thought all dem gooses needed was a blount to go with their jay. (Jay) Ajayi wasn’t cuttin’ it hisself. <Expletive> this! Never dealt wit dis <expletive> at the Shuffles! Dey got the luck dis year!”
Blount punched Ajayi in the face, who subsequently fell into Winton’s lap full of Fitzpatrick’s vomit. Blount then abruptly left, saying hi to new Mongooses quarterback Tyrod Taylor on his way out.
“My God, what have I gotten myself into?” Taylor asked himself.
The Fighting Mongooses face Heavy Salmon (8-3) in week 12.
MONGOOSES FALL ON MONDAY NIGHT AGAIN:
HONESTLY, WHY EVEN LIVE ANYMORE?
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/8a22d14366b49c47f1487fbb617c5fcd-crop-exact_1.jpg?1510856241)
PHNOM PENH, Cambodia (AP) – Jared Goff scored a match-up-high 30.50 fantasy points in his Fighting Mongooses debut, but the team’s luck continues to suck, as the Fighting Mongooses (4-6) lost to WhyEvenLiveAnymore (6-4) 112.68 – 103.58. The Fighting Mongooses held a 17.90 fantasy point edge going into the Monday Night Football game, but Christian McCaffrey scored a career high 17.00 fantasy points and Graham Gano added 10.00 fantasy points for WhyEvenLiveAnymore to steal the win, marking the third time this season the Fighting Mongooses lost a match-up entering the Monday Night Football game with a lead.
“30 should have been good enough, man,” Goff said of his Fighting Mongooses debut. “But then that <expletive> Christian (McCaffrey) had to go and <expletive> everything up! <Expletive> Stanford, man! Every <expletive> time! They always beat us in the Big Game and now this, the even bigger game of fantasy football? <Expletive>! I should have sent that trombone player from ‘82 to Charlotte last night to slow him down!”
The Los Angeles defense and Steelers wide receiver JuJu Smith-Schuster contributed 18.00 and 15.70 fantasy points respectively in the loss. Smith-Schuster was not available for comment, but released the following statement concerning his disappointment of the fantasy defeat.
“🏉🏆🔥😠… 👩 👌 👈 🍆😲🍆😲🍆😲😜”
Melvin Gordon and Marlon Mack both struggled for the Fighting Mongooses, combining for just 6.80 fantasy points.
“That won’t get it done from your starting running backs,” Gordon said, who’s posted double-digit fantasy performances in all but three weeks this season. “It was just that damn rookie, Austin Ekeler, stealing my touches. Don’t worry, it won’t happen again… He’s dead now.”
Ryan Fitzpatrick replaced the injured Jameis Winston as the Fighting Mongooses’ QB2, tallying 10.38 fantasy sports. The Harvard grad spent time crunching the numbers after the loss.
“The square root of the derivative… carry the four,” Fitzpatrick mumbled to himself. He then addressed the media. “By God, I’ve done it. I’ve figured it out. We’re screwed! 4-6? Three weeks left? You don’t need an Ivy League degree to realize this. Actually, you do and I have one. Not looking good, folks.”
“Not with that attitude!” DeSean Jackson interrupted, grabbing Fitzpatrick by his glorious beard. “Mongooses never quit! Understand? We. Will. Prevail!”
Remarkably only one game back of a playoff spot in a crowded field, the Fighting Mongooses will look to prevail this week against The Robot Unicorn (7-3).
“30 should have been good enough, man,” Goff said of his Fighting Mongooses debut. “But then that <expletive> Christian (McCaffrey) had to go and <expletive> everything up! <Expletive> Stanford, man! Every <expletive> time! They always beat us in the Big Game and now this, the even bigger game of fantasy football? <Expletive>! I should have sent that trombone player from ‘82 to Charlotte last night to slow him down!”
The Los Angeles defense and Steelers wide receiver JuJu Smith-Schuster contributed 18.00 and 15.70 fantasy points respectively in the loss. Smith-Schuster was not available for comment, but released the following statement concerning his disappointment of the fantasy defeat.
“🏉🏆🔥😠… 👩 👌 👈 🍆😲🍆😲🍆😲😜”
Melvin Gordon and Marlon Mack both struggled for the Fighting Mongooses, combining for just 6.80 fantasy points.
“That won’t get it done from your starting running backs,” Gordon said, who’s posted double-digit fantasy performances in all but three weeks this season. “It was just that damn rookie, Austin Ekeler, stealing my touches. Don’t worry, it won’t happen again… He’s dead now.”
Ryan Fitzpatrick replaced the injured Jameis Winston as the Fighting Mongooses’ QB2, tallying 10.38 fantasy sports. The Harvard grad spent time crunching the numbers after the loss.
“The square root of the derivative… carry the four,” Fitzpatrick mumbled to himself. He then addressed the media. “By God, I’ve done it. I’ve figured it out. We’re screwed! 4-6? Three weeks left? You don’t need an Ivy League degree to realize this. Actually, you do and I have one. Not looking good, folks.”
“Not with that attitude!” DeSean Jackson interrupted, grabbing Fitzpatrick by his glorious beard. “Mongooses never quit! Understand? We. Will. Prevail!”
Remarkably only one game back of a playoff spot in a crowded field, the Fighting Mongooses will look to prevail this week against The Robot Unicorn (7-3).
FIGHTING MONGOOSES SHOW HISTORICALLY LOW FIGHT:
LOSE IN BLOWOUT TO I JUST HAD REX
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/4b45c60df73ede9225f1b25ce42db72f_1.jpg?1510118595)
USHUAIA, Argentina (AP) – Jay Ajayi scored 17.70 fantasy points, the Los Angeles Rams defense scored 11.00 fantasy points, but the rest of the Fighting Mongooses (4-5) looked anemic in a 121.32 – 63.32 loss to I Just Had Rex (6-3). The 63.32 fantasy points were a franchise low for the Fighting Mongooses in the six plus years in the Syracuse and now Kevin Ware Memorial League. The previous low was 67.94, in a week 13 loss to BlainesRealAmericans in 2014.
“Well this is an all-time low,” a one-armed Jameis Winston said after scoring just 3.48 fantasy points in Tampa Bay’s 30-10 loss to New Orleans. “Here I am, fighting my butt off for this glorious franchise. I’m embarrassed. I really am. 63? 60 <expletive> three? Don’t worry, I got another arm. I can make a ‘W’ with this hand too. We gonna eat! We gonna <expletive> eat!”
“This is on me, guys,” Buccaneers Head Coach Dirk Koetter said. “Jameis (Winston) is a competitor. I sent him out there knowing he’d likely get his arm amputated. I’d just do anything to score as many fantasy points as possible for the Fighting Mongooses, even if it means this kid loses a limb or two. Maybe three. Kid’s a fighter, like the Black Knight from Monty Python kind of fighter. He’ll bounce back. He’ll be out there next week.”
The appropriate authorities have overruled and thoroughly sacked Dirk Koetter. Winston has been ruled out in week 10 as the Buccaneers’ medial staff attempts to reattach his arm.
“Don’t worry, I ate a whole bowl of ‘W’s for breakfast,” Ryan Fitzpatrick said. “It’s like Flutie Flakes, but good.”
Others were not as confident.
“I believe in this Mongooses curse now,” Andy Dalton said after the Bengals’ 23-7 loss to the Jaguars. “I mean, I’ve been here for two weeks. We put up the second-highest score in the league last week and lose. Albeit, not my best effort this week. I saw T.J. Yeldon after the game in Jacksonville. Looked like death. I asked him what was wrong. He said he was a last second pickup by the Mongooses after (Leonard) Fournette got benched. Made sense, though T.J., like me, struggled (3.20 fantasy points). I asked him whose spot he took in the lineup. He goes, ‘Robert Woods… 23 fantasy points… I can’t even right now.’ I can’t either. You can’t make this <expletive> up!”
Ajayi was the lone bright spot, scoring his first touchdown of the season in his first game as a Philadelphia Eagle.
“I finally get the Jay train chuggin’ along and these saucy tarts get their knickers in a bunch,” Ajayi said. “At least it’s not on me this time, eh chaps? Fly Eagles Fly and all that pish posh.”
The Fighting Mongooses will look to end their two game skid next week against WhyEvenLiveAnymore (5-4).
“Well this is an all-time low,” a one-armed Jameis Winston said after scoring just 3.48 fantasy points in Tampa Bay’s 30-10 loss to New Orleans. “Here I am, fighting my butt off for this glorious franchise. I’m embarrassed. I really am. 63? 60 <expletive> three? Don’t worry, I got another arm. I can make a ‘W’ with this hand too. We gonna eat! We gonna <expletive> eat!”
“This is on me, guys,” Buccaneers Head Coach Dirk Koetter said. “Jameis (Winston) is a competitor. I sent him out there knowing he’d likely get his arm amputated. I’d just do anything to score as many fantasy points as possible for the Fighting Mongooses, even if it means this kid loses a limb or two. Maybe three. Kid’s a fighter, like the Black Knight from Monty Python kind of fighter. He’ll bounce back. He’ll be out there next week.”
The appropriate authorities have overruled and thoroughly sacked Dirk Koetter. Winston has been ruled out in week 10 as the Buccaneers’ medial staff attempts to reattach his arm.
“Don’t worry, I ate a whole bowl of ‘W’s for breakfast,” Ryan Fitzpatrick said. “It’s like Flutie Flakes, but good.”
Others were not as confident.
“I believe in this Mongooses curse now,” Andy Dalton said after the Bengals’ 23-7 loss to the Jaguars. “I mean, I’ve been here for two weeks. We put up the second-highest score in the league last week and lose. Albeit, not my best effort this week. I saw T.J. Yeldon after the game in Jacksonville. Looked like death. I asked him what was wrong. He said he was a last second pickup by the Mongooses after (Leonard) Fournette got benched. Made sense, though T.J., like me, struggled (3.20 fantasy points). I asked him whose spot he took in the lineup. He goes, ‘Robert Woods… 23 fantasy points… I can’t even right now.’ I can’t either. You can’t make this <expletive> up!”
Ajayi was the lone bright spot, scoring his first touchdown of the season in his first game as a Philadelphia Eagle.
“I finally get the Jay train chuggin’ along and these saucy tarts get their knickers in a bunch,” Ajayi said. “At least it’s not on me this time, eh chaps? Fly Eagles Fly and all that pish posh.”
The Fighting Mongooses will look to end their two game skid next week against WhyEvenLiveAnymore (5-4).
JUJU SHINES AS JEW BEATS JEW:
FIGHTING MONGOOSES FALL TO BLAINESREALAMERICANS
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MILWAUKEE, Wis. (AP) – JuJu Smith-Schuster scored 29.30 fantasy points, Melvin Gordon added 23.90 fantasy points, but despite posting their best score of the season, the Fighting Mongooses (4-4) fell to BlainesRealAmericans (5-3) 142.90 – 136.72, snapping the team’s three game win streak.
“This <expletive> sucks, man,” Gordon said after the Chargers’ 21-13 loss to the Patriots. “Life ain’t fair. We finally put this <expletive> together and this <expletive> happens? I wanna go down the Yahoo! Sports Recap real quick. ‘Fighting Mongooses would have beaten every other team in the league besides BlainesRealAmericans this week. Had they played each other last week, BlainesRealAmericans would have lost to Fighting Mongooses 116.66 - 108.22.’ Talk about <expletive> luck! That drops us from 6th to 9th! <Expletive>!”
Despite Gordon and Smith-Schuster lighting it up, BlainesRealAmericans also had two outstanding performers. DeAndre Hopkins and the Baltimore defense combined for 67.40 fantasy points.
“I saw what DeAndre (Hopkins) did, and I was like, ‘ROTFL, <expletive>, I can do that!” Smith-Schuster said after the Steelers’ 20-15 win over the Lions. “So 97 yard TD? NBD. Man, that was lit! FTW, baby! Gave us the lead. Then CJ (Anderson)? SMH. FML! All over SM. But hey, IMO, I can keep this up. We ain’t done. K bye. Wait, where’s my bike? Guess I’m walking. LMAO! YOLO, right?”
“<Expletive> millennials,” DeSean Jackson said.
Smith-Schuster’s effort gave the Fighting Mongooses a narrow lead heading into Monday night. BlainesRealAmericans needed just 24 total yards to win. C.J. Anderson scored 8.50 fantasy points.
Newly-acquired Andy Dalton scored 18.72 fantasy points in his Fighting Mongooses debut, but the team was let down by Jay Ajayi, Jameis Winston and Hunter Henry, who combined for just 8.90 fantasy points, a fraction of the projected 34.68.
“You’ve failed me, Jameis,” Dalton was overheard saying from the Fighting Mongooses’ quarterbacks room.
What reporters heard next was indescribable screams of torment, likely from Winston.
“Please no more!” reporters recalled Winston saying. “How could you? Have a soul, man! Oh, wait. Nooooooo!”
Dalton emerged from the room with a grin on his face.
“No questions today, guys. Thanks,” Dalton said.
Questions remain for Mongooses Kelvin Benjamin and Jay Ajayi, whose NFL team’s traded them to Buffalo and Philadelphia respectively in an effort to score more fantasy points.
“The best thing for Kelvin (Benjamin) is to be in Buffalo,” Panthers head coach Ron Rivera said. “We believe he’ll score more fantasy points for the Fighting Mongooses up in Buffalo. So it was a no-brainer.”
“Jay was struggling. He needed a change of scenery,” Dolphins head coach Adam Gase said. “So we sent that limey to Philadelphia, the birthplace of America. God Save the Queen? God Save the Fighting Mongooses! God speed, Jay. God speed.”
The Fighting Mongooses will face I Just Had Rex (5-3) in a key match-up in week 9.
“This <expletive> sucks, man,” Gordon said after the Chargers’ 21-13 loss to the Patriots. “Life ain’t fair. We finally put this <expletive> together and this <expletive> happens? I wanna go down the Yahoo! Sports Recap real quick. ‘Fighting Mongooses would have beaten every other team in the league besides BlainesRealAmericans this week. Had they played each other last week, BlainesRealAmericans would have lost to Fighting Mongooses 116.66 - 108.22.’ Talk about <expletive> luck! That drops us from 6th to 9th! <Expletive>!”
Despite Gordon and Smith-Schuster lighting it up, BlainesRealAmericans also had two outstanding performers. DeAndre Hopkins and the Baltimore defense combined for 67.40 fantasy points.
“I saw what DeAndre (Hopkins) did, and I was like, ‘ROTFL, <expletive>, I can do that!” Smith-Schuster said after the Steelers’ 20-15 win over the Lions. “So 97 yard TD? NBD. Man, that was lit! FTW, baby! Gave us the lead. Then CJ (Anderson)? SMH. FML! All over SM. But hey, IMO, I can keep this up. We ain’t done. K bye. Wait, where’s my bike? Guess I’m walking. LMAO! YOLO, right?”
“<Expletive> millennials,” DeSean Jackson said.
Smith-Schuster’s effort gave the Fighting Mongooses a narrow lead heading into Monday night. BlainesRealAmericans needed just 24 total yards to win. C.J. Anderson scored 8.50 fantasy points.
Newly-acquired Andy Dalton scored 18.72 fantasy points in his Fighting Mongooses debut, but the team was let down by Jay Ajayi, Jameis Winston and Hunter Henry, who combined for just 8.90 fantasy points, a fraction of the projected 34.68.
“You’ve failed me, Jameis,” Dalton was overheard saying from the Fighting Mongooses’ quarterbacks room.
What reporters heard next was indescribable screams of torment, likely from Winston.
“Please no more!” reporters recalled Winston saying. “How could you? Have a soul, man! Oh, wait. Nooooooo!”
Dalton emerged from the room with a grin on his face.
“No questions today, guys. Thanks,” Dalton said.
Questions remain for Mongooses Kelvin Benjamin and Jay Ajayi, whose NFL team’s traded them to Buffalo and Philadelphia respectively in an effort to score more fantasy points.
“The best thing for Kelvin (Benjamin) is to be in Buffalo,” Panthers head coach Ron Rivera said. “We believe he’ll score more fantasy points for the Fighting Mongooses up in Buffalo. So it was a no-brainer.”
“Jay was struggling. He needed a change of scenery,” Dolphins head coach Adam Gase said. “So we sent that limey to Philadelphia, the birthplace of America. God Save the Queen? God Save the Fighting Mongooses! God speed, Jay. God speed.”
The Fighting Mongooses will face I Just Had Rex (5-3) in a key match-up in week 9.
MONGOOSES DROP THE DONG ON DONG SHOTS,
WIN THIRD STRAIGHT
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ST. JOHN’S, Canada – Jameis Winton scored 23.36 fantasy points, Blake Bortles scored 16.30 fantasy points and the Fighting Mongooses (4-3) defeated Favre’s Dong Shots (2-5) 116.66 – 98.64. The win is the third straight for the Fighting Mongooses.
“Man, you see me in that fourth quarter?” Winston asked after the Buccaneers’ 30-27 loss to the Bills. “I was like, touchdown! Touchdown! Touchdown! <Expletive> Joe Montana ain’t got notin’ on me! <Expletive>! That was awesome!”
When reminded by the Tampa Bay media that his team lost the game, Winston laughed.
“Y’all so naïve,” he said. “So focused on football, you miss what we’re really playing for. Fantasy football. <Expletive> if I care if the Bucs win! Mongooses three straight wins, baby!”
Bortles eclipsed the 300 yard plateau for the first time this season in a 27-0 Jaguars win over the Colts.
“It’s so crazy,” Bortles said. “Everything is really about touchdowns. Threw for 330 <expletive> yards, but it’s only 16 fantasy points. Earlier this year, I had a hundred less yards, but ten more fantasy points against the Lido Shuffles because of those touchdowns. That’s what I gotta do: throw touchdowns. Throw mother <expletive> touchdowns! <Expletive> Leonard Fournette! This is about me and the Fighting Mongooses!”
The Carolina defense and Greg Zuerlein helped out the Mongooses’ cause with 19.00 and 17.00 fantasy points respectively.
“Real great job from everyone,” Luke Kuechly said after the Panthers 17-3 loss to the Bears. “It was fun out there. Didn’t allow a single offensive touchdown. I played my tail off.”
Kuechly was reminded that he did not play in that game, as he was still recovering from a concussion.
“No, I was there,” Kuechly insisted. “I lined up right next to Sasquatch. He got a pick after the Easter bunny tipped it. Dude’s got hops! Huge tackle on that third down by the Lock Ness monster and Abraham Lincoln. Wait… Maybe… Who are you again?”
Kuechly is still in the concussion protocol.
The huge boost from the defense and kicker positions were needed as no other Mongoose non-quarterback reached double-digit fantasy points. Packers wide receiver Jordy Nelson recorded just 1.30 fantasy points in his first game catching passes from Brett Hundley.
“I miss him,” Nelson said, holding a black-and-white picture of Aaron Rodgers’ head shot. “If you’ll excuse me,” he said softly.
Nelson began to cry as he listened to Elton John’s Candle in the Wind by his locker.
“<Expletive> baby!” Mohamed Sanu said.
The Fighting Mongooses will face BlainesRealAmericans (4-3) in week 8.
“Man, you see me in that fourth quarter?” Winston asked after the Buccaneers’ 30-27 loss to the Bills. “I was like, touchdown! Touchdown! Touchdown! <Expletive> Joe Montana ain’t got notin’ on me! <Expletive>! That was awesome!”
When reminded by the Tampa Bay media that his team lost the game, Winston laughed.
“Y’all so naïve,” he said. “So focused on football, you miss what we’re really playing for. Fantasy football. <Expletive> if I care if the Bucs win! Mongooses three straight wins, baby!”
Bortles eclipsed the 300 yard plateau for the first time this season in a 27-0 Jaguars win over the Colts.
“It’s so crazy,” Bortles said. “Everything is really about touchdowns. Threw for 330 <expletive> yards, but it’s only 16 fantasy points. Earlier this year, I had a hundred less yards, but ten more fantasy points against the Lido Shuffles because of those touchdowns. That’s what I gotta do: throw touchdowns. Throw mother <expletive> touchdowns! <Expletive> Leonard Fournette! This is about me and the Fighting Mongooses!”
The Carolina defense and Greg Zuerlein helped out the Mongooses’ cause with 19.00 and 17.00 fantasy points respectively.
“Real great job from everyone,” Luke Kuechly said after the Panthers 17-3 loss to the Bears. “It was fun out there. Didn’t allow a single offensive touchdown. I played my tail off.”
Kuechly was reminded that he did not play in that game, as he was still recovering from a concussion.
“No, I was there,” Kuechly insisted. “I lined up right next to Sasquatch. He got a pick after the Easter bunny tipped it. Dude’s got hops! Huge tackle on that third down by the Lock Ness monster and Abraham Lincoln. Wait… Maybe… Who are you again?”
Kuechly is still in the concussion protocol.
The huge boost from the defense and kicker positions were needed as no other Mongoose non-quarterback reached double-digit fantasy points. Packers wide receiver Jordy Nelson recorded just 1.30 fantasy points in his first game catching passes from Brett Hundley.
“I miss him,” Nelson said, holding a black-and-white picture of Aaron Rodgers’ head shot. “If you’ll excuse me,” he said softly.
Nelson began to cry as he listened to Elton John’s Candle in the Wind by his locker.
“<Expletive> baby!” Mohamed Sanu said.
The Fighting Mongooses will face BlainesRealAmericans (4-3) in week 8.
RUNNING GAME RETURNS:
TFM RETURN TO 500 WITH WIN OVER OSB
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BRASILIA, Brazil (AP) – Melvin Gordon scored a match-up-high 27.00 fantasy points, Jay Ajayi added 13.00 fantasy points, and the Fighting Mongooses (3-3) survived a back-and-forth match-up to defeat the Orlando Solar Bears (1-5) 116.38 – 110.46.
“We were going at it all day,” Gordon said after the Chargers’ 17-16 win over the Raiders. “But I knew it was up to us to seal this thing. I told Hunter (Henry) ‘dude, it’s on us,’ and he was like, ‘shut the <expletive> up, you cheese-loving, freak! Wisconsin sucks <expletive>!’ He says that to everyone, though. But we did it. <Expletive>! It’s a good day to be a Mongoose!”
“Every day is a good day to be a Mongoose, Melvin,” added Henry, who added 9.00 fantasy points to the Mongoose effort. “Remember that, Melvin. Remember that. Now go gag on some Gouda, <expletive>!”
In his first double digit fantasy outing since the opening week, Ajayi finally looked worthy of a first round pick, racking up 130 yards.
“I must say, I am chuffed! We’re all hunky-dory now!” Ajayi said after the Dolphins’ 20-17 win over the Falcons. “Now that that wanker Chris Foerster is gone, our offensive line is finally off the gak! Well, except for Laremy (Tunsil). Too much gak for the portly fellow! If you ask me, I think he may have already lost his marbles! Either way, it’s most good to have some proper holes to run though again! Keep it up, chaps!”
The Mongooses were victorious despite losing Jameis Winston to a shoulder injury after throwing for just 61 yards in Arizona. Kelvin Benjamin and DeSean Jackson added 9.90 and 9.80 fantasy points respectively. Just picked up this week, rookie Samaje Perine scored 10.70 fantasy points in the win.
“I got the playbook and on the cover it says ‘Mongooses never quit! Mongooses will fight! Mongooses will prevail!’ and that’s what we did today,” Perine said after the Redskins’ 26-24 win over the 49ers. “We didn’t quit, we fought, and ultimately, we prevailed. <Expletive> love this team! Can’t wait to get a tattoo of a Mongoose to commemorate this glorious week of fantasy football!”
Jackson smiled maniacally.
“Hold still, rookie,” he said.
Jackson held Perine down and used a needle to tattoo a Mongoose on Perine’s cheek urinating into his mouth. Perine continuously screamed in torment.
“Looks good, Pee-rine! <Expletive> rookie!”
The Fighting Mongooses will look to get over 500 next week when they take on Favre’s Dong Shots (2-4).
“We were going at it all day,” Gordon said after the Chargers’ 17-16 win over the Raiders. “But I knew it was up to us to seal this thing. I told Hunter (Henry) ‘dude, it’s on us,’ and he was like, ‘shut the <expletive> up, you cheese-loving, freak! Wisconsin sucks <expletive>!’ He says that to everyone, though. But we did it. <Expletive>! It’s a good day to be a Mongoose!”
“Every day is a good day to be a Mongoose, Melvin,” added Henry, who added 9.00 fantasy points to the Mongoose effort. “Remember that, Melvin. Remember that. Now go gag on some Gouda, <expletive>!”
In his first double digit fantasy outing since the opening week, Ajayi finally looked worthy of a first round pick, racking up 130 yards.
“I must say, I am chuffed! We’re all hunky-dory now!” Ajayi said after the Dolphins’ 20-17 win over the Falcons. “Now that that wanker Chris Foerster is gone, our offensive line is finally off the gak! Well, except for Laremy (Tunsil). Too much gak for the portly fellow! If you ask me, I think he may have already lost his marbles! Either way, it’s most good to have some proper holes to run though again! Keep it up, chaps!”
The Mongooses were victorious despite losing Jameis Winston to a shoulder injury after throwing for just 61 yards in Arizona. Kelvin Benjamin and DeSean Jackson added 9.90 and 9.80 fantasy points respectively. Just picked up this week, rookie Samaje Perine scored 10.70 fantasy points in the win.
“I got the playbook and on the cover it says ‘Mongooses never quit! Mongooses will fight! Mongooses will prevail!’ and that’s what we did today,” Perine said after the Redskins’ 26-24 win over the 49ers. “We didn’t quit, we fought, and ultimately, we prevailed. <Expletive> love this team! Can’t wait to get a tattoo of a Mongoose to commemorate this glorious week of fantasy football!”
Jackson smiled maniacally.
“Hold still, rookie,” he said.
Jackson held Perine down and used a needle to tattoo a Mongoose on Perine’s cheek urinating into his mouth. Perine continuously screamed in torment.
“Looks good, Pee-rine! <Expletive> rookie!”
The Fighting Mongooses will look to get over 500 next week when they take on Favre’s Dong Shots (2-4).
GORDON PUNCHES JENKINS:
MONGOOSES PUNCH HEBREWS TO VICTORY!
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PORT OF SPAIN, TRINIDAD AND TOBAGO (AP) – Melvin Gordon led the way with a match-up-high 28.30 fantasy points, Jameis Winston added 18.46 fantasy points, and the Fighting Mongooses (2-3) defeated Awkward Hebrews (1-4) 106.66 – 62.90.
“Good God, the Giants are bad,” Gordon said after scoring the game-winning touchdown—his second of the game—against the Giants. “I mean, <expletive>! What a get-right game for me, get-right match up for the <expletive> Fighting Mongooses! I mean, the Hebrews might as well be the Giants of fantasy football. Look at that <expletive> show over there.”
“I feel bad for Stefon (Diggs) and DeMarco (Murray),” Winston added after the Buccaneers’ 19-14 loss to the Patriots on Thursday night. “Those are some good people, good Mongooses. Melvin (Gordon) and me, we was all teammates last year. Now they just… awkward. Heartbreaking! Oh, well. <Expletive> ‘em! Finally starting to figure this <expletive> out! Not the best, but we won!”
The Mongooses’ receivers finally started to show their potential this week. Kelvin Benjamin finished with 11.80 fantasy points. DeSean Jackson added 10.60 fantasy points.
“Jordy (Nelson) was carryin’ the load for us,” Benjamin said after the Panthers win over the Lions. “That’s why I told Cam (Netwon) on the sideline, ‘dude, throw me a touchdown already! We Mongooses need some scores’ and he was like, ‘blah, blah, blah, Boz Scaggs is the best, blah, blah, blah, women are such inferior creatures, blah, blah, blah’ You know, typical Cam. Just glad he threw me the <expletive> ball!”
While Benjamin excelled, the three new Mongooses failed to deliver in their respective debuts. Latavius Murray, Greg Zuerlein and the Detroit defense combined for just 10.30 fantasy points, less than half of the projected 26.59. Zuerlein put up just 3.00 fantasy points after averaging 16.25 fantasy points the first four weeks. The Detroit defense matched Zuerlein with 3.00 fantasy points. As a unit, they averaged 15.75 fantasy points the first four weeks.
“I was a little worried about this,” Zuerlein said about joining the Fighting Mongooses. “I know they won the league last year, but maybe that was an aberration. I mean, they are cursed, right?”
“I don’t believe in curses,” Ezekiel Ansah said, just before getting struck by lightening inside the Fighting Mongooses media room.
Darius Slay surrounded himself with a circle of salt and began to chant, praying to Kevin Ware.
“See?” Zuerlein added. “And that’s after a win. May Kevin Ware have mercy on us all.”
The Fighting Mongooses will aim to prove they are not cursed next week when they face the Orlando Solar Bears (1-4).
“Good God, the Giants are bad,” Gordon said after scoring the game-winning touchdown—his second of the game—against the Giants. “I mean, <expletive>! What a get-right game for me, get-right match up for the <expletive> Fighting Mongooses! I mean, the Hebrews might as well be the Giants of fantasy football. Look at that <expletive> show over there.”
“I feel bad for Stefon (Diggs) and DeMarco (Murray),” Winston added after the Buccaneers’ 19-14 loss to the Patriots on Thursday night. “Those are some good people, good Mongooses. Melvin (Gordon) and me, we was all teammates last year. Now they just… awkward. Heartbreaking! Oh, well. <Expletive> ‘em! Finally starting to figure this <expletive> out! Not the best, but we won!”
The Mongooses’ receivers finally started to show their potential this week. Kelvin Benjamin finished with 11.80 fantasy points. DeSean Jackson added 10.60 fantasy points.
“Jordy (Nelson) was carryin’ the load for us,” Benjamin said after the Panthers win over the Lions. “That’s why I told Cam (Netwon) on the sideline, ‘dude, throw me a touchdown already! We Mongooses need some scores’ and he was like, ‘blah, blah, blah, Boz Scaggs is the best, blah, blah, blah, women are such inferior creatures, blah, blah, blah’ You know, typical Cam. Just glad he threw me the <expletive> ball!”
While Benjamin excelled, the three new Mongooses failed to deliver in their respective debuts. Latavius Murray, Greg Zuerlein and the Detroit defense combined for just 10.30 fantasy points, less than half of the projected 26.59. Zuerlein put up just 3.00 fantasy points after averaging 16.25 fantasy points the first four weeks. The Detroit defense matched Zuerlein with 3.00 fantasy points. As a unit, they averaged 15.75 fantasy points the first four weeks.
“I was a little worried about this,” Zuerlein said about joining the Fighting Mongooses. “I know they won the league last year, but maybe that was an aberration. I mean, they are cursed, right?”
“I don’t believe in curses,” Ezekiel Ansah said, just before getting struck by lightening inside the Fighting Mongooses media room.
Darius Slay surrounded himself with a circle of salt and began to chant, praying to Kevin Ware.
“See?” Zuerlein added. “And that’s after a win. May Kevin Ware have mercy on us all.”
The Fighting Mongooses will aim to prove they are not cursed next week when they face the Orlando Solar Bears (1-4).
SLOW START CONTINUES:
FIGHTING MONGOOSES FALL TO SHLOMO LIPETZ
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JOHANNESBURG, South Africa (AP) – Jameis Winston scored a match-up-high 30.48 fantasy points, Jordy Nelson scored 19.50 fantasy points, but the Fighting Mongooses (1-3) lost again, 127.62 – 106.98 to Shlomo Lipetz (3-1) in week 4 of the Kevin Ware Memorial League season.
“Well this <expletive> sucks,” Winston said after the Buccaneers’ 25-23 win over the Giants Sunday. “It’s like everything was perfect last year and now we’re 1-3? <Expletive>! Who ain’t pulling their weight around here? Got <expletive> spoiled last year with David (Johnson) and DeMarco (Murry). We had some <expletive> talent! Even Melvin (Gordon) was a <expletive> beast last year. Now I gotta do this <expletive> myself!”
Despite Winston’s strong performance, the Fighting Mongooses running backs once again let the team down. Setting career marks last season, both Melvin Gordon and Jay Ajayi continued to struggle, combining for just 8.30 fantasy points.
“Well this is a fine kettle of fish,” Ajayi said after the Dolphins’ 20-0 loss to the Saints in London, Ajayi’s first game played in his hometown. “I am gobsmacked! This was supposed to be a jolly good time, yet this match went all to pot. All me mates were in the stands, me mum. I even explained to them that American footballers are quite different. And now I’ve got bugger all to show for it. I feel like a wanker! I’m truly embarrassed. Cheers!”
“That just ain’t gonna get it done from you starting running backs,” Gordon said from the Chargers – pardon, this week, the Eagles – facility in Carson. “I ain’t making excuses, but playing for the Chargers ain’t easy. We gotta play 16 <expletive> road games. Yeah, that was no home game. It was like a sea of <expletive> hunter green out there. Same every home game. <Expletive>, man! We’re trying to score touchdowns for the Fighting Mongooses! I can’t work like this!”
Gordon stormed out, weaving through the LA Galaxy’s practice, still hearing boos from Eagles fans.
“Go Chargers, Go!” Hunter Henry added, mimicking Arnold Schwarzenegger. “Gotta make myself laugh. This a dark time in my life. Chargers are 0-4, Mongooses 1-3, people accusing me of offending Kevin Ware. Gotta keep it light. Like me on my feet. You see me on that touchdown? Those tap dancing lessons are paying off!”
The Fighting Mongooses face Awkward Hebrews (1-3) in a desperation battle in week 5.
“Well this <expletive> sucks,” Winston said after the Buccaneers’ 25-23 win over the Giants Sunday. “It’s like everything was perfect last year and now we’re 1-3? <Expletive>! Who ain’t pulling their weight around here? Got <expletive> spoiled last year with David (Johnson) and DeMarco (Murry). We had some <expletive> talent! Even Melvin (Gordon) was a <expletive> beast last year. Now I gotta do this <expletive> myself!”
Despite Winston’s strong performance, the Fighting Mongooses running backs once again let the team down. Setting career marks last season, both Melvin Gordon and Jay Ajayi continued to struggle, combining for just 8.30 fantasy points.
“Well this is a fine kettle of fish,” Ajayi said after the Dolphins’ 20-0 loss to the Saints in London, Ajayi’s first game played in his hometown. “I am gobsmacked! This was supposed to be a jolly good time, yet this match went all to pot. All me mates were in the stands, me mum. I even explained to them that American footballers are quite different. And now I’ve got bugger all to show for it. I feel like a wanker! I’m truly embarrassed. Cheers!”
“That just ain’t gonna get it done from you starting running backs,” Gordon said from the Chargers – pardon, this week, the Eagles – facility in Carson. “I ain’t making excuses, but playing for the Chargers ain’t easy. We gotta play 16 <expletive> road games. Yeah, that was no home game. It was like a sea of <expletive> hunter green out there. Same every home game. <Expletive>, man! We’re trying to score touchdowns for the Fighting Mongooses! I can’t work like this!”
Gordon stormed out, weaving through the LA Galaxy’s practice, still hearing boos from Eagles fans.
“Go Chargers, Go!” Hunter Henry added, mimicking Arnold Schwarzenegger. “Gotta make myself laugh. This a dark time in my life. Chargers are 0-4, Mongooses 1-3, people accusing me of offending Kevin Ware. Gotta keep it light. Like me on my feet. You see me on that touchdown? Those tap dancing lessons are paying off!”
The Fighting Mongooses face Awkward Hebrews (1-3) in a desperation battle in week 5.
<EXPLETIVE>! ANOTHER LOSS:
FIGHTING MONGOOSES FALL TO THE LIDO SHUFFLES
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FAROE ISLANDS (AP) – Todd Gurley II scored 32.90 fantasy points and the Lido Shuffles (3-0) defeated the Fighting Mongooses (1-2) 114.30 – 103.68.
The Mongooses’ quarterbacks outscored the Shuffles’ signal callers 43.08 – 5.40, yet the Shuffles’ running backs and tight ends outscored the Mongooses’ 61.60 – 20.20. Still down 10.28 fantasy points going into Monday night, the Shuffles got a 20.90 fantasy point performance from Larry Fitzgerald to complete the comeback.
“I’s set da tone. Larry finished da job, man,” Gurley said after his three touchdown performance on Thursday night to give the shuffles an early lead. “Ain’t nobody stoppin dis train, bruh. Shuffles 3-0, baby! Gotta hand it to coach Scaggs, Mr. Don. Dey puts together a nasty fantasy team. <Expletive> nasty, yo.”
“What can I say?” Fitzgerald added from the Lido Shuffles’ locker room, speaking over the album Silk Degrees playing on loop in the background. “Here’s the lowdown: I looked at Chris (Johnson) and I said, ‘We’re all alone.’ It’s up to us. I just took it into my own hands. Once I caught that touchdown, I was like, ‘It’s over. You’re going to love me tomorrow.’”
Fitzgerald smiled and walked away. He gets paid a fantasy bonus from team owner Anthony Joseph Donatoni IV and head coach Boz Scaggs for each song reference.
Hunter Henry failed to score a single fantasy point in the loss for the Mongooses. This marks the third straight week a Mongooses starter put up a goose egg.
Henry claims his lack of production is part of a nationwide fantasy sports protest. League Commissioner Scott Grodsky went on record saying that fantasy football is not real and anyone associated with fantasy football is a <expletive> <expletive> with a <expletive> <expletive> for a face. Henry, and many other fantasy football players are protesting by not scoring in fantasy, and also mooning computer screens before every game.
“This has gone too far.” Henry said. “Fantasy football is football. The fantasy sports community deserves to be treated like every other sports league. There is nothing fictional about our statistics, yet we are treated like commodities. We are not <expletive> <expletives>. We are protesting peacefully to bring attention to this issue in hopes to be treated equally.”
The protest has been polarizing across the country. Not everyone agrees with Henry, including some of his teammates.
“Personally, I think it’s offensive to Kevin Ware,” Melvin Gordon said. “Have some respect. This is disgraceful! It’s like a giant middle finger to Ware and not to mention all the fantasy sports players all over the world, too. I will continue to proudly keep my pants on.”
Others are torn.
“I don’t know what to do,” Cam Newton said after mooning his laptop pregame. “It’s good to use our platform to bring these issues to light in the non-fantasy sports world, but at the same time, I feel like I should honor Kevin Ware by not dropping trou. It’s hard to compartmentalize this.”
“We do not mean to offend anyone,” Henry said. “We are merely trying to start a conversation. I have the utmost respect for Kevin Ware, this great fantasy football league and all fantasy football players across the country. This has nothing to do with Mr. Ware.”
These are trying times in the fantasy sports world, but the match-ups go on. The Lido Shuffles face Awkward Hebrews (1-2) in week 4. The Fighting Mongooses are paired against Shlomo Lipetz (2-1).
The Mongooses’ quarterbacks outscored the Shuffles’ signal callers 43.08 – 5.40, yet the Shuffles’ running backs and tight ends outscored the Mongooses’ 61.60 – 20.20. Still down 10.28 fantasy points going into Monday night, the Shuffles got a 20.90 fantasy point performance from Larry Fitzgerald to complete the comeback.
“I’s set da tone. Larry finished da job, man,” Gurley said after his three touchdown performance on Thursday night to give the shuffles an early lead. “Ain’t nobody stoppin dis train, bruh. Shuffles 3-0, baby! Gotta hand it to coach Scaggs, Mr. Don. Dey puts together a nasty fantasy team. <Expletive> nasty, yo.”
“What can I say?” Fitzgerald added from the Lido Shuffles’ locker room, speaking over the album Silk Degrees playing on loop in the background. “Here’s the lowdown: I looked at Chris (Johnson) and I said, ‘We’re all alone.’ It’s up to us. I just took it into my own hands. Once I caught that touchdown, I was like, ‘It’s over. You’re going to love me tomorrow.’”
Fitzgerald smiled and walked away. He gets paid a fantasy bonus from team owner Anthony Joseph Donatoni IV and head coach Boz Scaggs for each song reference.
Hunter Henry failed to score a single fantasy point in the loss for the Mongooses. This marks the third straight week a Mongooses starter put up a goose egg.
Henry claims his lack of production is part of a nationwide fantasy sports protest. League Commissioner Scott Grodsky went on record saying that fantasy football is not real and anyone associated with fantasy football is a <expletive> <expletive> with a <expletive> <expletive> for a face. Henry, and many other fantasy football players are protesting by not scoring in fantasy, and also mooning computer screens before every game.
“This has gone too far.” Henry said. “Fantasy football is football. The fantasy sports community deserves to be treated like every other sports league. There is nothing fictional about our statistics, yet we are treated like commodities. We are not <expletive> <expletives>. We are protesting peacefully to bring attention to this issue in hopes to be treated equally.”
The protest has been polarizing across the country. Not everyone agrees with Henry, including some of his teammates.
“Personally, I think it’s offensive to Kevin Ware,” Melvin Gordon said. “Have some respect. This is disgraceful! It’s like a giant middle finger to Ware and not to mention all the fantasy sports players all over the world, too. I will continue to proudly keep my pants on.”
Others are torn.
“I don’t know what to do,” Cam Newton said after mooning his laptop pregame. “It’s good to use our platform to bring these issues to light in the non-fantasy sports world, but at the same time, I feel like I should honor Kevin Ware by not dropping trou. It’s hard to compartmentalize this.”
“We do not mean to offend anyone,” Henry said. “We are merely trying to start a conversation. I have the utmost respect for Kevin Ware, this great fantasy football league and all fantasy football players across the country. This has nothing to do with Mr. Ware.”
These are trying times in the fantasy sports world, but the match-ups go on. The Lido Shuffles face Awkward Hebrews (1-2) in week 4. The Fighting Mongooses are paired against Shlomo Lipetz (2-1).
FIGHTING MONGOOSES WHACK DAK TO DAK:
EARN FIRST WIN OF THE SEASON
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/editor/image_1.jpg?1505837738)
BARROW, AK (AP) – Chris Boswell led the way with 16.00 fantasy points, Melvin Gordon added 13.80 fantasy points, and the Fighting Mongooses (1-1) held on to beat Dak to Dak (1-1) 98.18 - 95.04.
“As the undisputed leader of this fantasy football team, I’d like to say, suck it, <expletives>! We got a mother <expletive> win!” Boswell eloquently said after the Steelers’ 26-9 win over the Vikings. “It’s always great when your kicker leads the team! Am I right, or what? Nah, man. You know, it wasn’t pretty, but we never quit. Mongooses never quit. Except Jordy (Nelson). He quit. <Expletive> him!”
Nelson left the Packers’ 34-23 loss to the Falcons in the first quarter before recording a single catch. Corey Coleman scored just .90 fantasy points before breaking his hand in the Browns’ 24-10 loss to the Ravens. While on the bench, Corey Davis aggravated his already injured hamstring and Washington running back Rob Kelley injured his ribs.
“What’s with these <expletive> injuries, man?” Gordon said after the Chargers’ 19-17 loss to the Dolphins. “What is this? Oregon Trail? Did CC (Corey Coleman) die from measles? Rob (Kelley) from exhaustion? Jordy (Nelson) from a <expletive> snake bite? I guess it’s appropriate, us being mongooses and all. At least we got the win. Barely! Can’t say the same thing about the Chargers. <Expletive> Younghoe Koo!”
Thanks to Nelson’s superlative 0.00 fantasy effort, the Fighting Mongooses were just ahead by 6.74 fantasy points going into the Monday Night Football game. Questionable going in, Giants wide out Odell Beckham Jr. was active for Dak to Dak. His 3.60 fantasy points were not enough to defeat the greatest fantasy franchise ever conceived.
“That was a relief,” Nelson said, covered from head to toe in bandages in a hospital bed in Atlanta. “If he scored, we were <expletive>-ed and it would have been my fault. Kind of how it’s all Odell’s fault his fantasy team lost. I don’t even want to know what the punishment is for that kid over at Dak to Dak. I’d imagine he’ll get strapped to a table and forced to listen to Gallant at Night on loop, 24 hours a day, all week. Horrifying!”
Dolphins running back Jay Ajayi scored 12.60 fantasy points and Buccaneers quarterback Jameis Winston scored 12.46 fantasy points in the win. Winston’s teammate in Tampa Bay, Desean Jackson recorded just 3.90 fantasy points. All three made their season debuts with the club.
“I say, ‘twas a jolly good way to begin the campaign,” Ajayi said at his weekly post-game tea party. “Not playing last week was poppycock! Poppycock, I say! But I am happy with my performance, old bean. I expect more of the same over the next fortnight.”
Ajayi looked at his phone and dismissed himself. “Oh, bugger! That’s me mum. Pip-pip, cheerio!”
The Mongooses also benefited from wasted opportunities by the opposition. Martavis Bryant, Derrick Henry and Rex Burkhead all put up double-digit fantasy performances, wasted on Dak to Dak's bench. Trevor Siemian--also benched--out-performed both Ben Roethlisberger and Dak Prescott. Luck was on Mongooses side this week. But Winston knows they need to be better.
"I thought we were passed this, man" Winston said after Tampa Bay's 29-7 win over Chicago. "I mean, we won the whole <expletive> thing last year! Now were' back to injuries and under-performing? Thank the lord Dak to Dak left all them touchdowns on the bench. Got lucky this week, man, real lucky. Gotta fix this <expletive>. Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for me to get lucky! Peace, I'm out of here!"
The Mongooses will hope to improve in week three against the Lido Shuffles (2-0).
“As the undisputed leader of this fantasy football team, I’d like to say, suck it, <expletives>! We got a mother <expletive> win!” Boswell eloquently said after the Steelers’ 26-9 win over the Vikings. “It’s always great when your kicker leads the team! Am I right, or what? Nah, man. You know, it wasn’t pretty, but we never quit. Mongooses never quit. Except Jordy (Nelson). He quit. <Expletive> him!”
Nelson left the Packers’ 34-23 loss to the Falcons in the first quarter before recording a single catch. Corey Coleman scored just .90 fantasy points before breaking his hand in the Browns’ 24-10 loss to the Ravens. While on the bench, Corey Davis aggravated his already injured hamstring and Washington running back Rob Kelley injured his ribs.
“What’s with these <expletive> injuries, man?” Gordon said after the Chargers’ 19-17 loss to the Dolphins. “What is this? Oregon Trail? Did CC (Corey Coleman) die from measles? Rob (Kelley) from exhaustion? Jordy (Nelson) from a <expletive> snake bite? I guess it’s appropriate, us being mongooses and all. At least we got the win. Barely! Can’t say the same thing about the Chargers. <Expletive> Younghoe Koo!”
Thanks to Nelson’s superlative 0.00 fantasy effort, the Fighting Mongooses were just ahead by 6.74 fantasy points going into the Monday Night Football game. Questionable going in, Giants wide out Odell Beckham Jr. was active for Dak to Dak. His 3.60 fantasy points were not enough to defeat the greatest fantasy franchise ever conceived.
“That was a relief,” Nelson said, covered from head to toe in bandages in a hospital bed in Atlanta. “If he scored, we were <expletive>-ed and it would have been my fault. Kind of how it’s all Odell’s fault his fantasy team lost. I don’t even want to know what the punishment is for that kid over at Dak to Dak. I’d imagine he’ll get strapped to a table and forced to listen to Gallant at Night on loop, 24 hours a day, all week. Horrifying!”
Dolphins running back Jay Ajayi scored 12.60 fantasy points and Buccaneers quarterback Jameis Winston scored 12.46 fantasy points in the win. Winston’s teammate in Tampa Bay, Desean Jackson recorded just 3.90 fantasy points. All three made their season debuts with the club.
“I say, ‘twas a jolly good way to begin the campaign,” Ajayi said at his weekly post-game tea party. “Not playing last week was poppycock! Poppycock, I say! But I am happy with my performance, old bean. I expect more of the same over the next fortnight.”
Ajayi looked at his phone and dismissed himself. “Oh, bugger! That’s me mum. Pip-pip, cheerio!”
The Mongooses also benefited from wasted opportunities by the opposition. Martavis Bryant, Derrick Henry and Rex Burkhead all put up double-digit fantasy performances, wasted on Dak to Dak's bench. Trevor Siemian--also benched--out-performed both Ben Roethlisberger and Dak Prescott. Luck was on Mongooses side this week. But Winston knows they need to be better.
"I thought we were passed this, man" Winston said after Tampa Bay's 29-7 win over Chicago. "I mean, we won the whole <expletive> thing last year! Now were' back to injuries and under-performing? Thank the lord Dak to Dak left all them touchdowns on the bench. Got lucky this week, man, real lucky. Gotta fix this <expletive>. Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for me to get lucky! Peace, I'm out of here!"
The Mongooses will hope to improve in week three against the Lido Shuffles (2-0).
UNDERMANNED MONGOOSES FALL TO HEAVY SALMON IN WEEK 1
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/sd-1505194320-hp9m2khklk-snap-image_1_orig.jpg)
SCRANTON, Penn. (AP) – Jordy Nelson and Melvin Gordon scored 13.90 fantasy points each, but the Fighting Mongooses lost to Heavy Salmon 111.72 – 72.00 in the season opener for both teams. The Mongooses were forced to play with one starting quarterback due to the Dolphins/Buccaneers game being postponed to week 11.
“Well I we were behind the eight ball. So I just put the team on my back, went out there and threw for 14 touchdowns,” said Blake Bortles, the lone Mongooses quarterback to play. “So that’s what I did. I’m the best.”
Bortles actually threw for one touchdown pass and finished with 10.30 fantasy points. Marcus Mariota and Matthew Stafford combined for 49.92 for Heavy Salmon.
When reminded of this fact by reporters, Bortles responded, “This is fantasy football. I can fantasize anything I want. In my fantasy, it was 14. Alight? We also won this week. OK? <Expletive> off!”
Bortles stormed off, punching Jaguars head coach Doug Marrone in the nose right before leaving the locker room.
“Blake (Bortles) is upset. We all are,” Gordon added after the Chargers’ 24-21 loss to the Broncos. “We never got a shot. Everyone wants to start the season with a win, but we got screwed. Didn’t have three quarterbacks to begin with and that hurricane <expletive> screwed us. Who ever heard of a week one bye week? That’s dumb! This who thing is <expletive> dumb!”
With Winston—as well as Jay Ajayi and DeSean Jackson—on a week one bye, and with no starting quarterbacks available as free agents, the Fighting Mongooses decided against trading significant contributors for a one-time starter at quarterback. Although, Jameis Winston was willing to play.
“I would have played,” Winston added. “Look, fantasy football is the most important thing, like, ever. Play in the damn hurricane! Think about it. With that wind, I would have barely thrown the ball and it would go like a million yards! Plus, think of how many crabs would be flying around! I’d have crab legs for life!”
“He’s <expletive> crazy,” Jackson added. “But I <expletive> love this guy! Yeah, I would have played, too. I don’t care how many people die in the damn stands! Life isn’t about them. It’s about me, and the <expletive> Fighting Mongooses!”
Jackson is donating $10M in fantasy money to hurricane relief efforts.
“He’s my hero,” Nathan Pederman said.
The Fighting Mongooses will look to bounce back in week 2 with a full lineup against Dack to Dak.
“Well I we were behind the eight ball. So I just put the team on my back, went out there and threw for 14 touchdowns,” said Blake Bortles, the lone Mongooses quarterback to play. “So that’s what I did. I’m the best.”
Bortles actually threw for one touchdown pass and finished with 10.30 fantasy points. Marcus Mariota and Matthew Stafford combined for 49.92 for Heavy Salmon.
When reminded of this fact by reporters, Bortles responded, “This is fantasy football. I can fantasize anything I want. In my fantasy, it was 14. Alight? We also won this week. OK? <Expletive> off!”
Bortles stormed off, punching Jaguars head coach Doug Marrone in the nose right before leaving the locker room.
“Blake (Bortles) is upset. We all are,” Gordon added after the Chargers’ 24-21 loss to the Broncos. “We never got a shot. Everyone wants to start the season with a win, but we got screwed. Didn’t have three quarterbacks to begin with and that hurricane <expletive> screwed us. Who ever heard of a week one bye week? That’s dumb! This who thing is <expletive> dumb!”
With Winston—as well as Jay Ajayi and DeSean Jackson—on a week one bye, and with no starting quarterbacks available as free agents, the Fighting Mongooses decided against trading significant contributors for a one-time starter at quarterback. Although, Jameis Winston was willing to play.
“I would have played,” Winston added. “Look, fantasy football is the most important thing, like, ever. Play in the damn hurricane! Think about it. With that wind, I would have barely thrown the ball and it would go like a million yards! Plus, think of how many crabs would be flying around! I’d have crab legs for life!”
“He’s <expletive> crazy,” Jackson added. “But I <expletive> love this guy! Yeah, I would have played, too. I don’t care how many people die in the damn stands! Life isn’t about them. It’s about me, and the <expletive> Fighting Mongooses!”
Jackson is donating $10M in fantasy money to hurricane relief efforts.
“He’s my hero,” Nathan Pederman said.
The Fighting Mongooses will look to bounce back in week 2 with a full lineup against Dack to Dak.
Fighting Mongooses Prevail!
Mongooses Win KWML Championship!
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/djjjmain_1.jpg?1482791400)
SCRANTON, Penn. (AP) – Behind 29.60 fantasy points from David Johnson, the Fighting Mongooses defeated BlainesRealAmericans 114.76 – 109.68 in the championship matchup of the Kevin Ware Memorial League. The victory marks the sixth championship in fantasy franchise history and first in fantasy football since winning the Brewster 11 championship in 2006.
“This is for Kevin Ware!” Johnson exclaimed in the Fighting Mongooses facility, struggling to be heard over Kool & the Gang’s Celebration being played in the room. “I mean, the moment we heard he was no longer with us, it was ‘we gotta win it for him.’”
Johnson was informed that Kevin Ware is not dead, instead simply left the league causing the name change.
“<Expletive>!” Johnsons yelled. “Then why the <expletive> was I trying so hard this year? <Expletive> this!”
Johnson took off his goggles that were protecting his eyes from the gallons of champagne flying across the room. He then promptly left the building. Sadly, he is not expected to be on the team next season.
Philip Rivers and Jameis Winston added 18.88 and 16.48 fantasy points to the Mongoose cause in the championship match respectively. Rivers had a far different reaction than Johnson towards winning the title.
“Mother <expletive> champions!” Rivers yelled while visibly sobbing. “Y’all question our fight? Y’all question our methods? We’re the mother <expletive> champs and I never once stepped foot in the QB room. My condolences to the Osweiler family, by the way. “
Brock Osweiler was cut before the championship after being benched for Tom Savage in Houston. Osweiler was last seen entering the QB room. He did not return. The recently signed Savage was advised not to go in there.
Winston did not comment. He just sat on a boat filled with crab legs he brought into the facility with what was commonly described as a goofy smile on his face.
The Mongooses won despite single digit fantasy performances from Ty Montgomery, Julio Jones, DeMarco Murray and Derrick Henry. After the victory, Henry finally broke his season long silence.
“This season was such a learning experience for me,” Henry told reporters. “I know DeMarco (Murray) was hard on me… really hard… but he’s like a father to me… An abusive father, but still a father.”
Murray came over and drenched Henry with an oversized bottle of champagne. Henry began to laugh; this angered Murray. He then shoved a funnel in Henry’s mouth and proceeded to force Henry to chug the champagne while holding his nose. It wasn’t until Henry began to choke that Murray stopped and smashed the bottle over Henry’s head, knocking him out.
“Love that kid,” Murray said. “Champions, <expletive>!”
The Mongooses clinched the championship after the Sunday night game in Kansas City after a measly 2.00 fantasy point performance from Demaryius Thomas for BlainesRealAmericans. Thomas got the start instead of Chiefs wide out Tyreek Hill, who would have scored 19.50 fantasy points. Had he played, the Americans would have taken the lead.
Jimmy Graham commented on the matter simply by imitating Nelson from The Simpsons.
“Ha-ha,” Graham said, pointing at Hill.
With the exception of Graham, the Fighting Mongooses showed nothing but class by not running up the score. With no pressure on him to perform, Dez Bryant exploded for an irrelevant 23.40 fantasy point; however with the game in hand, the team benched both Bryant and Matt Prater in the Monday night game between the Lions and Cowboys.
“<Expletive>, man! I was ready had that <expletive> came down to me,” Prater said from the Mongooses’ brand new solid gold spa resort. “This <expletive> was gonna come down to a <expletive> field goal and I was gonna hit the <expletive> out of the ball right through the <expletive> uprights! Had it all in my mind. That <expletive> was gonna be the stuff of legend! But hey, things don’t always turn out like you plan. Just <expletive> thrilled we won and I couldn’t be more <expletive> proud to be a <expletive> Mongoose and a <expletive> champion!”
When asked if Prater thought he was benched to avoid a negative point total due to potential missed field goals, Prater dismissed the idea, saying, “yup, champions. <Expletive> champions.”
The victory for the Fighting Mongooses also ends BlainesRealAmericans’ run of three consecutive then-Syracuse League fantasy championships.
“This was a dark time in all of our lives,” Bryant said after a chugging more champagne. “That was like a real life fantasy reign of terror. Those <expletive> guys have been the luckiest sons of <expletives> I’ve ever seen. No one wins at fantasy football that consistently. No team should be as unlikely as we have been the last few years. It just feels appropriate that we were the team to do it. The universe made things right.”
“Look, I’ve never come across a bra I can’t take down,” Jones added, referring to BlainesRealAmericans as an accronym. “Trust me, I’ve seen quite a few bras and panties in my life, you know what I’m saying? I ain’t afraid of not female underwear. <Expletive> the bras, man! Nah, but in all seriousness, Blaine (Gabbert) should not have anyone naming anything after him. He sucks. Glad we took those guys down.”
Jones took some time to collect himself and changed his tone.
“This means everything,” Jones said. “This really was good versus evil, right versus wrong. We couldn’t let those guys win again. The right team won today. The team that deserved to win won today. Let this be a day to be celebrated, a day to be remembered. On Christmas, on Hanukkah, on whatever holiday you celebrate, a miracle happened in 2016. My brothers and I never quit. My brother and I fought to the end. My brothers and I prevailed! This is why we play for the greatest fantasy franchise in all of fantasy sports, for the greatest fantasy fans in the world!”
We Are The Champions by Queen began to play in the background as Jones gathered the whole team, minus the departed Johnson and unconscious Henry, in the center of the room.
“Mongooses never quit! Mongooses will fight! Mongooses will prevail!” the team chanted in a moment of pure elation and ecstasy.
The Fighting Mongooses are 2016 Kevin Ware Memorial Champions!
“This is for Kevin Ware!” Johnson exclaimed in the Fighting Mongooses facility, struggling to be heard over Kool & the Gang’s Celebration being played in the room. “I mean, the moment we heard he was no longer with us, it was ‘we gotta win it for him.’”
Johnson was informed that Kevin Ware is not dead, instead simply left the league causing the name change.
“<Expletive>!” Johnsons yelled. “Then why the <expletive> was I trying so hard this year? <Expletive> this!”
Johnson took off his goggles that were protecting his eyes from the gallons of champagne flying across the room. He then promptly left the building. Sadly, he is not expected to be on the team next season.
Philip Rivers and Jameis Winston added 18.88 and 16.48 fantasy points to the Mongoose cause in the championship match respectively. Rivers had a far different reaction than Johnson towards winning the title.
“Mother <expletive> champions!” Rivers yelled while visibly sobbing. “Y’all question our fight? Y’all question our methods? We’re the mother <expletive> champs and I never once stepped foot in the QB room. My condolences to the Osweiler family, by the way. “
Brock Osweiler was cut before the championship after being benched for Tom Savage in Houston. Osweiler was last seen entering the QB room. He did not return. The recently signed Savage was advised not to go in there.
Winston did not comment. He just sat on a boat filled with crab legs he brought into the facility with what was commonly described as a goofy smile on his face.
The Mongooses won despite single digit fantasy performances from Ty Montgomery, Julio Jones, DeMarco Murray and Derrick Henry. After the victory, Henry finally broke his season long silence.
“This season was such a learning experience for me,” Henry told reporters. “I know DeMarco (Murray) was hard on me… really hard… but he’s like a father to me… An abusive father, but still a father.”
Murray came over and drenched Henry with an oversized bottle of champagne. Henry began to laugh; this angered Murray. He then shoved a funnel in Henry’s mouth and proceeded to force Henry to chug the champagne while holding his nose. It wasn’t until Henry began to choke that Murray stopped and smashed the bottle over Henry’s head, knocking him out.
“Love that kid,” Murray said. “Champions, <expletive>!”
The Mongooses clinched the championship after the Sunday night game in Kansas City after a measly 2.00 fantasy point performance from Demaryius Thomas for BlainesRealAmericans. Thomas got the start instead of Chiefs wide out Tyreek Hill, who would have scored 19.50 fantasy points. Had he played, the Americans would have taken the lead.
Jimmy Graham commented on the matter simply by imitating Nelson from The Simpsons.
“Ha-ha,” Graham said, pointing at Hill.
With the exception of Graham, the Fighting Mongooses showed nothing but class by not running up the score. With no pressure on him to perform, Dez Bryant exploded for an irrelevant 23.40 fantasy point; however with the game in hand, the team benched both Bryant and Matt Prater in the Monday night game between the Lions and Cowboys.
“<Expletive>, man! I was ready had that <expletive> came down to me,” Prater said from the Mongooses’ brand new solid gold spa resort. “This <expletive> was gonna come down to a <expletive> field goal and I was gonna hit the <expletive> out of the ball right through the <expletive> uprights! Had it all in my mind. That <expletive> was gonna be the stuff of legend! But hey, things don’t always turn out like you plan. Just <expletive> thrilled we won and I couldn’t be more <expletive> proud to be a <expletive> Mongoose and a <expletive> champion!”
When asked if Prater thought he was benched to avoid a negative point total due to potential missed field goals, Prater dismissed the idea, saying, “yup, champions. <Expletive> champions.”
The victory for the Fighting Mongooses also ends BlainesRealAmericans’ run of three consecutive then-Syracuse League fantasy championships.
“This was a dark time in all of our lives,” Bryant said after a chugging more champagne. “That was like a real life fantasy reign of terror. Those <expletive> guys have been the luckiest sons of <expletives> I’ve ever seen. No one wins at fantasy football that consistently. No team should be as unlikely as we have been the last few years. It just feels appropriate that we were the team to do it. The universe made things right.”
“Look, I’ve never come across a bra I can’t take down,” Jones added, referring to BlainesRealAmericans as an accronym. “Trust me, I’ve seen quite a few bras and panties in my life, you know what I’m saying? I ain’t afraid of not female underwear. <Expletive> the bras, man! Nah, but in all seriousness, Blaine (Gabbert) should not have anyone naming anything after him. He sucks. Glad we took those guys down.”
Jones took some time to collect himself and changed his tone.
“This means everything,” Jones said. “This really was good versus evil, right versus wrong. We couldn’t let those guys win again. The right team won today. The team that deserved to win won today. Let this be a day to be celebrated, a day to be remembered. On Christmas, on Hanukkah, on whatever holiday you celebrate, a miracle happened in 2016. My brothers and I never quit. My brother and I fought to the end. My brothers and I prevailed! This is why we play for the greatest fantasy franchise in all of fantasy sports, for the greatest fantasy fans in the world!”
We Are The Champions by Queen began to play in the background as Jones gathered the whole team, minus the departed Johnson and unconscious Henry, in the center of the room.
“Mongooses never quit! Mongooses will fight! Mongooses will prevail!” the team chanted in a moment of pure elation and ecstasy.
The Fighting Mongooses are 2016 Kevin Ware Memorial Champions!
Fighting Mongooses Advance to
KWML Championship
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/published/r164024-576x324-16-9_1.jpg?1482294196)
SCRANTON, Penn. (AP) – Ty Montgomery scored 28.30 fantasy points in his team debut and the Fighting Mongooses defeated I Just Had Rex 144.52 – 132.84 in the Kevin Ware Memorial League semifinals. With the win, the Fighting Mongooses advance to their first championship matchup in franchise history as a member of the league.
“We’ve been through so much,” Montgomery said after being picked up off waivers days before his breakout game against the Bears. “I mean, I’ve been part of this team for hours, days even. After all we’ve been through, we deserve this. No one understands that more than a team veteran like me.”
Montgomery replaced the injured Melvin Gordon. Cardinals running back David Johnson added 22.80 fantasy points and Titans running back DeMarco Murray contributed 14.10 fantasy points, despite fellow Titan and Mongoose Derrick Henry stealing two touchdowns wasted on the Mongoose bench.
“Calm down, DeMarco,” Murray said to himself in front of intrigued reporters. “Don’t do it. Don’t <expletive> do it. That little <expletive> did it again, stealing my touchdown. Those are my <expletive> touchdowns. Nearly cost us the win. I’m gonna kill him. I’m gonna <expletive> kill him. Can’t stand this <expletive> anymore. Move!”
Murray pushed his way through the reporters and confronted Henry. He stared at the man who had been shrinking his fantasy stats. The Disdain soon dispersed. Murray began to cry and grabbed his fellow running back to give him a hug.
“We did it!” Murray yelled. He then began to sing. “We’re going to the championship! Mongooses never quit! Mongooses will fight! Mongooses will prevail! I love you! I love this team!”
Henry did not say a word.
The Mongooses prevailed despite a 38.60 fantasy point performance from Brandin Cooks for I Just Had Rex. The matchup tightened going into Sunday night where Mongooses Jameis Winston and Dez Bryant went up against I Just Had Rex’s Ezekiel Elliott. Elliott outscored the two Mongooses 24.80 to 22.68. It came down to the Monday night game where Kirk Cousins managed just 9.70 fantasy points to seal the victory for the stories franchise.
“Zeke is my brotha,” Bryant said after the Cowboys’ 26-20 win over the Bucs. “But I tell you what, man. I <expletive>’d up. I dropped that touchdown. Next play, Zeke <expletive> scored. Twelve point swing right there. Don’t worry, though. I got him back. Convinced him to jump into that stupid Salvation Army kettle again after the game. <Expletive> idiot did it. Threw a lid on there, shut it with a nail gun. That <expletive> ain’t ever getting out. Serves him right. He might be dead. I don't know.”
The Fighting Mongooses take their six game winning streak into the Kevin Ware Memorial League championship matchup against defending champs BlainesRealAmericans, where the Mongooses will hope to avenge a loss from week 3.
“No mercy,” Johnson said. “This is good versus evil, right versus wrong. We are the last hope for humanity and we’re going to give it everything we’ve got. Blaine, prepare to be deported.”
Tickets are available at www.fightingmongooses.weebly.com. Not really.
“We’ve been through so much,” Montgomery said after being picked up off waivers days before his breakout game against the Bears. “I mean, I’ve been part of this team for hours, days even. After all we’ve been through, we deserve this. No one understands that more than a team veteran like me.”
Montgomery replaced the injured Melvin Gordon. Cardinals running back David Johnson added 22.80 fantasy points and Titans running back DeMarco Murray contributed 14.10 fantasy points, despite fellow Titan and Mongoose Derrick Henry stealing two touchdowns wasted on the Mongoose bench.
“Calm down, DeMarco,” Murray said to himself in front of intrigued reporters. “Don’t do it. Don’t <expletive> do it. That little <expletive> did it again, stealing my touchdown. Those are my <expletive> touchdowns. Nearly cost us the win. I’m gonna kill him. I’m gonna <expletive> kill him. Can’t stand this <expletive> anymore. Move!”
Murray pushed his way through the reporters and confronted Henry. He stared at the man who had been shrinking his fantasy stats. The Disdain soon dispersed. Murray began to cry and grabbed his fellow running back to give him a hug.
“We did it!” Murray yelled. He then began to sing. “We’re going to the championship! Mongooses never quit! Mongooses will fight! Mongooses will prevail! I love you! I love this team!”
Henry did not say a word.
The Mongooses prevailed despite a 38.60 fantasy point performance from Brandin Cooks for I Just Had Rex. The matchup tightened going into Sunday night where Mongooses Jameis Winston and Dez Bryant went up against I Just Had Rex’s Ezekiel Elliott. Elliott outscored the two Mongooses 24.80 to 22.68. It came down to the Monday night game where Kirk Cousins managed just 9.70 fantasy points to seal the victory for the stories franchise.
“Zeke is my brotha,” Bryant said after the Cowboys’ 26-20 win over the Bucs. “But I tell you what, man. I <expletive>’d up. I dropped that touchdown. Next play, Zeke <expletive> scored. Twelve point swing right there. Don’t worry, though. I got him back. Convinced him to jump into that stupid Salvation Army kettle again after the game. <Expletive> idiot did it. Threw a lid on there, shut it with a nail gun. That <expletive> ain’t ever getting out. Serves him right. He might be dead. I don't know.”
The Fighting Mongooses take their six game winning streak into the Kevin Ware Memorial League championship matchup against defending champs BlainesRealAmericans, where the Mongooses will hope to avenge a loss from week 3.
“No mercy,” Johnson said. “This is good versus evil, right versus wrong. We are the last hope for humanity and we’re going to give it everything we’ve got. Blaine, prepare to be deported.”
Tickets are available at www.fightingmongooses.weebly.com. Not really.
Fighting Mongooses Clinch Regular Season,
Top Points in Rout of TANKING IS MY RIGHT!
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/r159685-576x324-16-9_1.jpg?477)
SCRANTON, Penn. (AP) -- David Johnson scored 29.50 fantasy points, Melvin Gordon added 19.80 fantasy points and the Fighting Mongooses (10-3) beat TANKING IS MY RIGHT! (8-5) 168.60 – 109.60 to clinch both the regular season title and most points in the Kevin Ware Memorial League.
“We’re really not all that excited,” Johnson said from a hot tub full of champagne in the Fighting Mongooses locker room. “Greatness is expected here. I mean just look at our track record! Wait… Don’t do that. Just know that I expected this. That’s all that matters. I’m a winner. We’re winners. We’re going to win. I think you guys write and talk about that more than we do… Nah, this is <expletive> awesome!”
“Dead presidents! My favorite!” Gordon added, wearing a suit made of cash. “We all about that cash-money, man. I play football for one reason: to make money.”
Detroit kicker Matt Prater and the New England defense each added 18.00 fantasy points in the historic win for the Fighting Mongooses.
“Can’t wait to have my leg gold-plated!” Prater said after the Lions’ 28-13 win over the Saints. “I <expletive> deserve this! We all do! Fighting Mongooses never quit! We never quit all year. <Expletive>, I wasn’t even here all year and I know that. This <expletive> team is incredible!”
Jameis Winston added 15.30 fantasy points in Tampa Bay’s 28-21 win in San Diego. He celebrated by legally buying an order of crab legs at Publix.
“I’ve been thinking a lot about this,” Winston said after taking a bite of his meal from the Fighting Mongooses cafeteria. “This is the great day of my life. People are like, ‘dude, you won a national title in college!’ I’m like, ‘yeah, so what?’ I’m so close to that ultimate goal, that fantasy championship. Mongooses never quit! Mongooses will fight! Mongooses will prevail!”
Steve Smith Senior contributed just 5.30 fantasy points to the Mongooses’ cause, the lowest total on the team this week. His reality teammate Joe Flacco put up a match-up-high 33.24 fantasy points for TANKING IS MY RIGHT!
“I went up to Joe (Flacco) on the sidelines and the dude is <expletive> crazy, OK?” Smith Senior said after Baltimore’s 38-6 win over Miami. “I’m serious. He’s nuts. I was like, ‘give me the <expletive> ball,’ and he just kept screaming, ‘taking is my right! Tanking is my right! You can’t stop me!’ <Expletive> psycho. How someone like that can put up 30 is beyond me. Good thing I don’t have to worry about him next week.”
The Fighting Mongooses have certainly earned a week off. Now just two wins away from the 6th fantasy sports title in franchise history (second in football, first in the Kevin Ware Memorial League), the team will await the winner of TANKING IS MY RIGHT! and I Just Had Rex.
“We’re really not all that excited,” Johnson said from a hot tub full of champagne in the Fighting Mongooses locker room. “Greatness is expected here. I mean just look at our track record! Wait… Don’t do that. Just know that I expected this. That’s all that matters. I’m a winner. We’re winners. We’re going to win. I think you guys write and talk about that more than we do… Nah, this is <expletive> awesome!”
“Dead presidents! My favorite!” Gordon added, wearing a suit made of cash. “We all about that cash-money, man. I play football for one reason: to make money.”
Detroit kicker Matt Prater and the New England defense each added 18.00 fantasy points in the historic win for the Fighting Mongooses.
“Can’t wait to have my leg gold-plated!” Prater said after the Lions’ 28-13 win over the Saints. “I <expletive> deserve this! We all do! Fighting Mongooses never quit! We never quit all year. <Expletive>, I wasn’t even here all year and I know that. This <expletive> team is incredible!”
Jameis Winston added 15.30 fantasy points in Tampa Bay’s 28-21 win in San Diego. He celebrated by legally buying an order of crab legs at Publix.
“I’ve been thinking a lot about this,” Winston said after taking a bite of his meal from the Fighting Mongooses cafeteria. “This is the great day of my life. People are like, ‘dude, you won a national title in college!’ I’m like, ‘yeah, so what?’ I’m so close to that ultimate goal, that fantasy championship. Mongooses never quit! Mongooses will fight! Mongooses will prevail!”
Steve Smith Senior contributed just 5.30 fantasy points to the Mongooses’ cause, the lowest total on the team this week. His reality teammate Joe Flacco put up a match-up-high 33.24 fantasy points for TANKING IS MY RIGHT!
“I went up to Joe (Flacco) on the sidelines and the dude is <expletive> crazy, OK?” Smith Senior said after Baltimore’s 38-6 win over Miami. “I’m serious. He’s nuts. I was like, ‘give me the <expletive> ball,’ and he just kept screaming, ‘taking is my right! Tanking is my right! You can’t stop me!’ <Expletive> psycho. How someone like that can put up 30 is beyond me. Good thing I don’t have to worry about him next week.”
The Fighting Mongooses have certainly earned a week off. Now just two wins away from the 6th fantasy sports title in franchise history (second in football, first in the Kevin Ware Memorial League), the team will await the winner of TANKING IS MY RIGHT! and I Just Had Rex.
Mongooses Devour Slacks;
Clinch First-Ever Playoff Berth
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/rivers_1.jpg?466)
SCRANTON, Penn. (AP) – Philip Rivers scored 23.68 fantasy points, David Johnson added 22.10 fantasy points, and the Fighting Mongooses (9-3) defeated Fred’s Got Slacks (6-6) 116.48 – 86.88 to clinch the first playoff appearance in franchise history as a member of the Kevin Ware Memorial League (formerly the Syracuse League).
“About <expletive> time,” Rivers said after the Chargers’ 21-13 win over the Texans. “This is a proud franchise, a proud <expletive> franchise, OK? We’re talking five time fantasy champions here. To never make the playoffs in this league, un-<expletive>-excusable! Who’s running this <expletive> league? Their <expletive> fault!”
The Fighting Mongooses did not have a strong week, compiling the second lowest total fantasy points as a team this season; however it was enough to defeat the Slacks.
“Fred better get his money back. That’s all I’m sayin’,” Dez Bryant said after a 7.20 fantasy point performance against the Redskins. “Go back to Macy’s, JCPenney, wherever you <expletive> bought those damn pants… Walmart! I don’t give a flying <expletive>! Get yo money back, Fred. Your slacks suck. Your team sucks.”
The week was also disappointing from the running back position. Melvin Gordon was held to just 8.90 fantasy points. DeMarco Murray was held to just 8.40 fantasy points, the first time all season the Titans’ running back failed to reach double-digit fantasy points this season. Fellow Titan and Fighting Mongoose Derrick Henry scored 12.00 fantasy points, wasted on the fantasy bench.
“I am not a team player,” Murray said while holding a papier-mâché replica of Henry’s decapitated head. “It’s not about the Titans. It’s not about some little <expletive> from Alabama. It’s about me. You hear me? That <expletive> takes away my fantasy points again, I swear to whatever God he prays to that he will learn the meaning of the words pain and torment. He will not live to see the light of day again. Print that, <expletives>!”
Henry was not available for comment.
“We’re a real close running back corps,” Johnson added after the Cardinals’ 38-19 loss to the Falcons. “It’s been a really fun season and we’re all great friends!”
Despite clinching a playoff spot, there is still plenty to play for. The Fighting Mongooses are currently in first place by virtue of the tie-breaker over Jew Gold. With a 103.86 fantasy point cushion over Jew Gold, the Fighting Mongooses have all-but secured the tie-breaker and will clinch the regular season title with a win. They can also clinch the title with a Jew Gold loss and win some money for much-needed facility renovations.
“I need money to buy crab legs,” Jameis Winston said.
The money will also be used to buy crab legs.
The Fighting Mongooses finish the regular season looking for revenge on TANKING IS MY RIGHT! (8-4). TANKING IS MY RIGHT! defeated the Fighting Mongooses in week 2.
“About <expletive> time,” Rivers said after the Chargers’ 21-13 win over the Texans. “This is a proud franchise, a proud <expletive> franchise, OK? We’re talking five time fantasy champions here. To never make the playoffs in this league, un-<expletive>-excusable! Who’s running this <expletive> league? Their <expletive> fault!”
The Fighting Mongooses did not have a strong week, compiling the second lowest total fantasy points as a team this season; however it was enough to defeat the Slacks.
“Fred better get his money back. That’s all I’m sayin’,” Dez Bryant said after a 7.20 fantasy point performance against the Redskins. “Go back to Macy’s, JCPenney, wherever you <expletive> bought those damn pants… Walmart! I don’t give a flying <expletive>! Get yo money back, Fred. Your slacks suck. Your team sucks.”
The week was also disappointing from the running back position. Melvin Gordon was held to just 8.90 fantasy points. DeMarco Murray was held to just 8.40 fantasy points, the first time all season the Titans’ running back failed to reach double-digit fantasy points this season. Fellow Titan and Fighting Mongoose Derrick Henry scored 12.00 fantasy points, wasted on the fantasy bench.
“I am not a team player,” Murray said while holding a papier-mâché replica of Henry’s decapitated head. “It’s not about the Titans. It’s not about some little <expletive> from Alabama. It’s about me. You hear me? That <expletive> takes away my fantasy points again, I swear to whatever God he prays to that he will learn the meaning of the words pain and torment. He will not live to see the light of day again. Print that, <expletives>!”
Henry was not available for comment.
“We’re a real close running back corps,” Johnson added after the Cardinals’ 38-19 loss to the Falcons. “It’s been a really fun season and we’re all great friends!”
Despite clinching a playoff spot, there is still plenty to play for. The Fighting Mongooses are currently in first place by virtue of the tie-breaker over Jew Gold. With a 103.86 fantasy point cushion over Jew Gold, the Fighting Mongooses have all-but secured the tie-breaker and will clinch the regular season title with a win. They can also clinch the title with a Jew Gold loss and win some money for much-needed facility renovations.
“I need money to buy crab legs,” Jameis Winston said.
The money will also be used to buy crab legs.
The Fighting Mongooses finish the regular season looking for revenge on TANKING IS MY RIGHT! (8-4). TANKING IS MY RIGHT! defeated the Fighting Mongooses in week 2.
Wedding Crashers:
Mongooses Spoil Honeymoon for TPVTB
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/1479718644297_1.jpg?415)
CLEVELAND, Ohio (AP) – David Johnson scored 28.00 fantasy points, Dez Bryant added 20.00 fantasy points and the Fighting Mongooses (8-3) defeated The People V Tom Brady (4-7) 140.96 – 112.48 in Week 11 of the Kevin Ware Memorial League season.
“Consider it a wedding gift, mother <expletive>!” Bryant said as he threw up his signature “X” gesture after the Cowboys’ 27-17 win over the Ravens. “Nah, just jokin’, man. Me and (The People V Tom Brady Team Owner) Clay (LePard), we cool. That’s my brother right there. Family resemblance is uncanny, I know. But that game, man. It was just me and Steve (Smith Sr.) going toe-to-toe. I gots better toes.”
Smith Sr. added 15.90 fantasy points in the same game, his second straight with a Fighting Mongooses touchdown.
“DEZ, THAT <EXPLETIVE>!” Smith Sr. exclaimed. “Was chasing that <expletive> all <expletive> day! Can’t believe that little <expletive> put up more fantasy points than me. <Expletive>! My pride! It hurts!”
Johnson and DeMarco Murray (13.90 fantasy points) continued to dominate the running back matchups. Both have scored double digit fantasy points in every game this season. Johnson and Murray outscored Rashad Jennings, LeSean McCoy and Theo Riddick 41.9 to 37.7.
“Nobody stopping us,” Johnson said after Arizona’s 30-24 loss to Minnesota. “Melvin (Gordon) had a bye. They put three backs against me and DeMarco (Murray). We still out-scored them. Best backs in the league right here.”
The Mongooses were aided by the injury bug, as The People V Tom Brady leading receiver A.J. Green left the game before recording a single fantasy point. Jimmy Graham says he doesn’t believe that affected the outcome.
“I don’t believe that affected the outcome,” Graham said.
He then continued to shoot at a basketball hoop taped to the mouth of a tied-up Martellus Bennett.
“I like bank shots,” Graham said.
The Fighting Mongooses play Fred’s Got Slacks (6-5) next week. The Mongooses defeated the Slacks in week one, 140.98 – 109.28.
“Consider it a wedding gift, mother <expletive>!” Bryant said as he threw up his signature “X” gesture after the Cowboys’ 27-17 win over the Ravens. “Nah, just jokin’, man. Me and (The People V Tom Brady Team Owner) Clay (LePard), we cool. That’s my brother right there. Family resemblance is uncanny, I know. But that game, man. It was just me and Steve (Smith Sr.) going toe-to-toe. I gots better toes.”
Smith Sr. added 15.90 fantasy points in the same game, his second straight with a Fighting Mongooses touchdown.
“DEZ, THAT <EXPLETIVE>!” Smith Sr. exclaimed. “Was chasing that <expletive> all <expletive> day! Can’t believe that little <expletive> put up more fantasy points than me. <Expletive>! My pride! It hurts!”
Johnson and DeMarco Murray (13.90 fantasy points) continued to dominate the running back matchups. Both have scored double digit fantasy points in every game this season. Johnson and Murray outscored Rashad Jennings, LeSean McCoy and Theo Riddick 41.9 to 37.7.
“Nobody stopping us,” Johnson said after Arizona’s 30-24 loss to Minnesota. “Melvin (Gordon) had a bye. They put three backs against me and DeMarco (Murray). We still out-scored them. Best backs in the league right here.”
The Mongooses were aided by the injury bug, as The People V Tom Brady leading receiver A.J. Green left the game before recording a single fantasy point. Jimmy Graham says he doesn’t believe that affected the outcome.
“I don’t believe that affected the outcome,” Graham said.
He then continued to shoot at a basketball hoop taped to the mouth of a tied-up Martellus Bennett.
“I like bank shots,” Graham said.
The Fighting Mongooses play Fred’s Got Slacks (6-5) next week. The Mongooses defeated the Slacks in week one, 140.98 – 109.28.
Fighting Mongooses Destroy Lonnie Chisenhall;
Improve to 7-3 this Season
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/636146401206507581-titans-colts-251_1.jpg?462)
SCRANTON, Penn. (AP) – DeMarco Murray ran for a 75 yard touchdown, threw a 10 yard touchdown and put up 30.00 fantasy points in the Fighting Mongooses’ (7-3) 170.72 – 116.62 blowout victory over Lonnie Chisenhall (2-8). The 170.72 fantasy points are a season high for the storied franchise.
“<Expletive>. Lonnie. Chisenhall,” Murray said succinctly after the Titans’ 47-25 win over the Packers. “Lonnie ain’t no Deion (Sanders). You can’t just play two sports. I had to put that <expletive> in his place, and that place is Cleveland. Sucks to be him.”
David Johnson added 22.10 fantasy points in the Cardinals’ 23-20 win over the 49ers.
“Motivation is a scary thing, man,” Johnson said. “DeMarco (Murray) with the start he had, that set the bar high. That’s an inspiration. We Mongoose backs gotta stick together. Melvin (Gordon) and I take that as a challenge. Couldn’t get to 30, but I beat Melvin! Ha, that <Expletive>!”
Gordon scored 13.20 fantasy points in the Chargers’ 31-24 loss to Miami. Johnson, Dez Bryant, Jameis Winston and Phillip Rivers all broke the 20 fantasy point plateau in the win. Jimmy Graham was the only Mongooses position player not to score double digit fantasy points.
“I’m embarrassed,” Graham said after the Seahawks’ 31-24 win in New England. “48 yards? Four targets? Four? No way in hell I should be getting four <expletive> targets. It’s not my fault. Russell (Wilson), man. He better watch his back. Keep ignoring me and I guarantee you he’ll get what’s coming to him.”
Steve Smith Sr. scored 12.00 fantasy points for the Fighting Mongooses. It was the just the second start of the season for the Ravens’ wide receiver and the first since week 5. Smith Sr. was suspended the first four weeks of the fantasy season.
“AHHHHH!” Smith Sr. screamed being restrained in a straightjacket after the Ravens’ 28-7 win over the Browns. “12 points? I thought that was good, man. Then Julio (Jones) gets 13, Dez (Bryant) gets 20. Don’t put me back on the bench, man. I can contribute. I’ve learned my lesson. Please! PLEASE! I ain’t crazy! Don’t suspend me again. I can’t take it!”
Steve Smith Sr. is expected to start week 11 against The People V Tom Brady (4-6).
“<Expletive>. Lonnie. Chisenhall,” Murray said succinctly after the Titans’ 47-25 win over the Packers. “Lonnie ain’t no Deion (Sanders). You can’t just play two sports. I had to put that <expletive> in his place, and that place is Cleveland. Sucks to be him.”
David Johnson added 22.10 fantasy points in the Cardinals’ 23-20 win over the 49ers.
“Motivation is a scary thing, man,” Johnson said. “DeMarco (Murray) with the start he had, that set the bar high. That’s an inspiration. We Mongoose backs gotta stick together. Melvin (Gordon) and I take that as a challenge. Couldn’t get to 30, but I beat Melvin! Ha, that <Expletive>!”
Gordon scored 13.20 fantasy points in the Chargers’ 31-24 loss to Miami. Johnson, Dez Bryant, Jameis Winston and Phillip Rivers all broke the 20 fantasy point plateau in the win. Jimmy Graham was the only Mongooses position player not to score double digit fantasy points.
“I’m embarrassed,” Graham said after the Seahawks’ 31-24 win in New England. “48 yards? Four targets? Four? No way in hell I should be getting four <expletive> targets. It’s not my fault. Russell (Wilson), man. He better watch his back. Keep ignoring me and I guarantee you he’ll get what’s coming to him.”
Steve Smith Sr. scored 12.00 fantasy points for the Fighting Mongooses. It was the just the second start of the season for the Ravens’ wide receiver and the first since week 5. Smith Sr. was suspended the first four weeks of the fantasy season.
“AHHHHH!” Smith Sr. screamed being restrained in a straightjacket after the Ravens’ 28-7 win over the Browns. “12 points? I thought that was good, man. Then Julio (Jones) gets 13, Dez (Bryant) gets 20. Don’t put me back on the bench, man. I can contribute. I’ve learned my lesson. Please! PLEASE! I ain’t crazy! Don’t suspend me again. I can’t take it!”
Steve Smith Sr. is expected to start week 11 against The People V Tom Brady (4-6).
Fighting Mongooses Steal Jew Gold's Gold;
Locker Room Divided
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/1478592919739_1.jpg?387)
SCRANTON, Penn. (AP) – Melvin Gordon scored 32.10 fantasy points, Jimmy Graham added 22.30 fantasy points and the Fighting Mongooses (6-3) defeated Jew Gold (6-3) 153.14 – 124.40 in week 9 of the Kevin Ware Memorial League season. The 153.14 fantasy points were a league-high for the week.
“Feels good to lead my team to a win,” Gordon said after the Chargers 43-35 win over the Titans. “We knew our game was going to decide this one. Me, Phil (Rivers), DeMarco (Murray) and Derrick (Henry) all in one game? Heck, Derrick didn’t even play!”
Henry suited up but did not play. Murray explained why.
“That’s my bad,” Murray said. “I guess I shoved that Heisman trophy a little too far up his <expletive> last week. Felt kind of guilty. That’s why I scored that late touchdown. My bad. My bad.”
Rivers contributed 18.70 fantasy points to the Mongooses cause, his highest total since joining the fantastic fantasy franchise.
“It was close there for a while,” Rivers said. “But we knew we could do it. <Expletive>, man! If Donald Trump can win against all odds, why can’t we? Let’s make this fantasy franchise great again! Let’s <expletive> grab Kevin Ware by the <expletive>! I mean, let’s grab the Kevin Ware Memorial League by the <expletive>! Yeah, that’s it! What a <expletive> inspiration!”
Falcons wide receiver Julio Jones added 17.10 fantasy points in the Falcons’ 43-28 win over the Buccaneers, rebounding from his 2.90 fantasy effort a week ago.
“Just felt better about my situation,” Jones said. “Mohamed Sanu was taking some of my looks. But now that I know he’s going to be deported, I can rest easy and just play.”
“Hey now,” Jameis Winston interrupted. “Careful what you wish for, Julio. That Hispanic first name of yours might get you deported.”
"What the <expletive> you say?" Jones asked in a rage.
Jones and Winston immediately started fighting, a heated, UFC-like battle comparable to the 2016 Presidential Election. The two were badly injured until Graham interrupted.
“Stop it, mother <expletives>!” Graham screamed after separating the two with one hand. “Enough! Let’s not forget what we’re all really mad about… Colin <expletive> Kaepernick. Colin <expletive> Kaepernick. Remember when that <expletive> was the worst of our problems, the worst of our country’s problems? That <expletive> scored 30 points on us! That’s the only reason this week was close! Let's all just hate Colin <expletive> Kaepernick and his bogus stats.”
“Yeah, <expletive> that guy,” Jones said. Winston nodded.
Jones and Winston made up. They are meeting for brunch on Thursday.
“Still got it,” Graham said.
United once again, the Fighting Mongooses take on the unstoppable force and unanimous league villain, Lonnie Chisenhall (2-7) in week 10.
“Feels good to lead my team to a win,” Gordon said after the Chargers 43-35 win over the Titans. “We knew our game was going to decide this one. Me, Phil (Rivers), DeMarco (Murray) and Derrick (Henry) all in one game? Heck, Derrick didn’t even play!”
Henry suited up but did not play. Murray explained why.
“That’s my bad,” Murray said. “I guess I shoved that Heisman trophy a little too far up his <expletive> last week. Felt kind of guilty. That’s why I scored that late touchdown. My bad. My bad.”
Rivers contributed 18.70 fantasy points to the Mongooses cause, his highest total since joining the fantastic fantasy franchise.
“It was close there for a while,” Rivers said. “But we knew we could do it. <Expletive>, man! If Donald Trump can win against all odds, why can’t we? Let’s make this fantasy franchise great again! Let’s <expletive> grab Kevin Ware by the <expletive>! I mean, let’s grab the Kevin Ware Memorial League by the <expletive>! Yeah, that’s it! What a <expletive> inspiration!”
Falcons wide receiver Julio Jones added 17.10 fantasy points in the Falcons’ 43-28 win over the Buccaneers, rebounding from his 2.90 fantasy effort a week ago.
“Just felt better about my situation,” Jones said. “Mohamed Sanu was taking some of my looks. But now that I know he’s going to be deported, I can rest easy and just play.”
“Hey now,” Jameis Winston interrupted. “Careful what you wish for, Julio. That Hispanic first name of yours might get you deported.”
"What the <expletive> you say?" Jones asked in a rage.
Jones and Winston immediately started fighting, a heated, UFC-like battle comparable to the 2016 Presidential Election. The two were badly injured until Graham interrupted.
“Stop it, mother <expletives>!” Graham screamed after separating the two with one hand. “Enough! Let’s not forget what we’re all really mad about… Colin <expletive> Kaepernick. Colin <expletive> Kaepernick. Remember when that <expletive> was the worst of our problems, the worst of our country’s problems? That <expletive> scored 30 points on us! That’s the only reason this week was close! Let's all just hate Colin <expletive> Kaepernick and his bogus stats.”
“Yeah, <expletive> that guy,” Jones said. Winston nodded.
Jones and Winston made up. They are meeting for brunch on Thursday.
“Still got it,” Graham said.
United once again, the Fighting Mongooses take on the unstoppable force and unanimous league villain, Lonnie Chisenhall (2-7) in week 10.
Fighting Mongooses Just Had Rex:
And It Didn't Feel Good
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/201610271946711870591_1.jpg?473)
SCRANTON, Penn. (AP) – Jameis Winston and DeMarco Murray scored 18.80 fantasy points each, but the Fighting Mongooses (5-3) could not come back against I Just Had Rex (6-2) in a 133.80 – 119.78 defeat. The loss snaps the Mongooses’ four game winning streak and drops them into a tie for third place in the Kevin Ware Memorial League.
“I gots to be honest, man,” Winston began after the Buccaneers’ 30-24 overtime loss to the Raiders. “This one hurts. A lot of guys had good weeks. Two 5-2 teams? I know you can’t win ‘em all. But this was a big one. We’re all upset. Some more than others.”
Murray was the angriest after the Titans’ 36-22 blowout win over the Jaguars. His team-high 18.80 fantasy points could have been higher, but his Titans and Fighting Mongooses teammate Derrick Henry snagged 15.70 fantasy points, points that sat on the bench.
“Great team player,” Melvin Gordon said.
“Why the <expletive> is that rookie taking my touches?” Murray asked in a rage of frustration. “That’s my <expletive> ball! My <expletive> ball! What the <expletive> is he doing scoring touchdowns? Wasted points. Wasted <expletive> points. <Expletive>!”
Murray slammed his helmet into his locker and dragged Henry into the quarterbacks room by his hair. The door slammed and reporters heard screams of torment. There was a pause. Murray emerged only to grab Henry’s Heisman Trophy. He returned to the room. There was a loud thud and then one final scream from Henry. Murray emerged once again and stared at the brave few reporters that stayed to tell the tale. Murray said nothing and left. The room was eerily silent.
“Like I said, great team player,” Gordon reiterated with a cracked voice.
In that same Titans-Jaguars game, Allen Hurns scored 15.80 fantasy points, 12.90 more than Julio Jones’ 2.90 fantasy points in Atlanta’s 33-32 win over Green Bay.
“Clearly I should be starting over Julio (Jones),” Hurns said. “Why am I the only one who sees this? That guy is like the worst receiver of all time compared to my greatness. There’s gonna be a statue of me someday at this facility, man. It’s gonna be me, naked, riding a mongoose. That’s gonna be hot.”
The Mongooses were also doomed by their defense. New England tallied just 2.00 fantasy points, compared to 14.00 fantasy points Kansas City put up for I Just Had Rex.
After the Patriots’ 41-25 win over the Bills, Patriots’ owner Robert Kraft had enough, immediately banishing Jamie Collins to the far reaches of Cleveland, trading him for a tuna sandwich.
“Un-<expletive>-acceptable!” Kraft screamed to his defense. “Let this be a lesson to everyone on his sorry excuse for a defense. You are all <expletive> expendable. You give up yards, I’ll <expletive> knife you. You give up points, you don’t come back. You all go to Cleveland, where careers go to die. You do this again, you will die. Got it? Good. Bill (Belichick)?”
“(Inaudible)” Belichick added.
The Patriots cannot hurt the Mongooses this week. They are on a bye.
The Fighting Mongooses return to action against Jew Gold (6-2) week 9.
“I gots to be honest, man,” Winston began after the Buccaneers’ 30-24 overtime loss to the Raiders. “This one hurts. A lot of guys had good weeks. Two 5-2 teams? I know you can’t win ‘em all. But this was a big one. We’re all upset. Some more than others.”
Murray was the angriest after the Titans’ 36-22 blowout win over the Jaguars. His team-high 18.80 fantasy points could have been higher, but his Titans and Fighting Mongooses teammate Derrick Henry snagged 15.70 fantasy points, points that sat on the bench.
“Great team player,” Melvin Gordon said.
“Why the <expletive> is that rookie taking my touches?” Murray asked in a rage of frustration. “That’s my <expletive> ball! My <expletive> ball! What the <expletive> is he doing scoring touchdowns? Wasted points. Wasted <expletive> points. <Expletive>!”
Murray slammed his helmet into his locker and dragged Henry into the quarterbacks room by his hair. The door slammed and reporters heard screams of torment. There was a pause. Murray emerged only to grab Henry’s Heisman Trophy. He returned to the room. There was a loud thud and then one final scream from Henry. Murray emerged once again and stared at the brave few reporters that stayed to tell the tale. Murray said nothing and left. The room was eerily silent.
“Like I said, great team player,” Gordon reiterated with a cracked voice.
In that same Titans-Jaguars game, Allen Hurns scored 15.80 fantasy points, 12.90 more than Julio Jones’ 2.90 fantasy points in Atlanta’s 33-32 win over Green Bay.
“Clearly I should be starting over Julio (Jones),” Hurns said. “Why am I the only one who sees this? That guy is like the worst receiver of all time compared to my greatness. There’s gonna be a statue of me someday at this facility, man. It’s gonna be me, naked, riding a mongoose. That’s gonna be hot.”
The Mongooses were also doomed by their defense. New England tallied just 2.00 fantasy points, compared to 14.00 fantasy points Kansas City put up for I Just Had Rex.
After the Patriots’ 41-25 win over the Bills, Patriots’ owner Robert Kraft had enough, immediately banishing Jamie Collins to the far reaches of Cleveland, trading him for a tuna sandwich.
“Un-<expletive>-acceptable!” Kraft screamed to his defense. “Let this be a lesson to everyone on his sorry excuse for a defense. You are all <expletive> expendable. You give up yards, I’ll <expletive> knife you. You give up points, you don’t come back. You all go to Cleveland, where careers go to die. You do this again, you will die. Got it? Good. Bill (Belichick)?”
“(Inaudible)” Belichick added.
The Patriots cannot hurt the Mongooses this week. They are on a bye.
The Fighting Mongooses return to action against Jew Gold (6-2) week 9.
Fighting Mongooses Beat Up Newborn:
Defeat AveryKellyElken
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/melvin-gordon_1.jpg?476)
SCRANTON, Penn. (AP) – Melvin Gordon scored 30.10 fantasy points, DeMarco Murry and David Johnson contributed 18.70 and 17.10 fantasy points respectively, and the Fighting Mongooses (5-2) defeated AveryKellyElken (1-6) 138.20 – 100.38.
“I like beating children,” Gordon said after the Chargers’ 33-30 overtime win in Atlanta. “Honestly, nothing could be more satisfying. I mean, I did train with Adrian Peterson this offseason. So when I saw we were facing a four-week old kid, I just got some extra motivation. I mean, he got what he deserves, treating Phil (Rivers) like that.”
Rivers contributed 14.64 fantasy points in the same game, his first fantasy matchup against his former team. The Fighting Mongooses acquired Rivers and Allen Hurns for the ghost of Tony Romo and Isaiah Crowell earlier this season.
“It was a dumb move,” Rivers told Elken in his nursery. “Told you I’d make you pay. Well, it’s not like Allen (Hurns) and I did much this week, but still. <Expletive> you, kid! I got enough kids in my life. Don’t need you and your <expletive>!”
Rivers and his wife Tiffany are happily married with eight children.
Johnson has recorded double-digit fantasy points in every matchup this season. But failed to rush for a touchdown in Arizona’s 6-6 tie with Seattle. It’s just the third game this season he failed to reach the endzone.
“Thought I scored in that overtime,” Johnson said. “Touched the pylon. That’s a touchdown. Hope those six points don’t come back to haunt us. Six teams at 5-2? It’s all about the tie-breakers this year. Gonna be a fun season down the stretch.”
The Fighting Mongooses face I Just Had Rex (5-2) next week in a key matchup in the Kevin Ware Memorial League.
Dan Bailey has been released due to conduct detrimental to the team. Official reason: bye week.
“I like beating children,” Gordon said after the Chargers’ 33-30 overtime win in Atlanta. “Honestly, nothing could be more satisfying. I mean, I did train with Adrian Peterson this offseason. So when I saw we were facing a four-week old kid, I just got some extra motivation. I mean, he got what he deserves, treating Phil (Rivers) like that.”
Rivers contributed 14.64 fantasy points in the same game, his first fantasy matchup against his former team. The Fighting Mongooses acquired Rivers and Allen Hurns for the ghost of Tony Romo and Isaiah Crowell earlier this season.
“It was a dumb move,” Rivers told Elken in his nursery. “Told you I’d make you pay. Well, it’s not like Allen (Hurns) and I did much this week, but still. <Expletive> you, kid! I got enough kids in my life. Don’t need you and your <expletive>!”
Rivers and his wife Tiffany are happily married with eight children.
Johnson has recorded double-digit fantasy points in every matchup this season. But failed to rush for a touchdown in Arizona’s 6-6 tie with Seattle. It’s just the third game this season he failed to reach the endzone.
“Thought I scored in that overtime,” Johnson said. “Touched the pylon. That’s a touchdown. Hope those six points don’t come back to haunt us. Six teams at 5-2? It’s all about the tie-breakers this year. Gonna be a fun season down the stretch.”
The Fighting Mongooses face I Just Had Rex (5-2) next week in a key matchup in the Kevin Ware Memorial League.
Dan Bailey has been released due to conduct detrimental to the team. Official reason: bye week.
David Johnson Does it Again;
Mongooses Score Dramatic Win
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/gettyimages-615328994-2_2.jpg?495)
CEDAR FALLS, Iowa (AP) – David Johnson scored 35.80 fantasy points and the Fighting Mongooses (4-2) scored a dramatic come-from-behind victory over the Robot Unicorn (2-4) 147.58-133.10. The Fighting Mongooses trailed 130.90 – 103.58 heading into the Monday night football match up between the Cardinals and Jets. But Cardinals Johnson and Michael Floyd outscored Jets RB Matt Forte 44.00 – 2.20 to give the Mongooses the win.
“I knew what I had to do,” Johnson said, completely past his phobia of speaking at length with the media. “I just told Carson (Palmer) ‘give me the ball. I got a fantasy match up to win.’ And that’s what I did. Cherry on top was Michael (Floyd) getting his score. Didn’t even need that one, but you never know. Tiebreakers might be big this year.”
The Fighting Mongooses overcame a team that had three 40 plus touchdowns: one from Saints WR Brandin Cooks and two from Giants WR Odell Beckham Jr. The latter receiver ended up with a 40.20 fantasy point performance for the Robot Unicorn in the loss.
“We didn’t win?” Beckham Jr. asked reporters after the Giants’ 27-23 win over the Ravens. “Wow, what am I gonna tell my wife and kids? You see, the kicking net and I have settle down. We used to have an abusive relationship. I’d lash out at her, she’d hit me back. But we’ve since settled down, got married. We even have a couple little nets now, a fishing net and a hair net. She gonna kill me, though. Either her or the Robot Unicorn. That thing is terrifying.”
Julio Jones added 19.90 fantasy points for the Fighting Mongooses, who have won three straight fantasy match ups.
“Just do your job, trust in the art of the comeback,” Jones said as Richard Sherman continued to hold on to his right arm in the locker room after Atlanta’s 26-24 loss to the Seahawks. “Would you let go already? <Expletive>!”
Texans QB Brock Osweiler gave the Mongooses a chance with two late touchdowns in Houston’s 26-23 overtime win over the Colts Sunday night.
“They have a saying around here,” Osweiler began to say after his 16.36 fantasy point performance. “Mongooses never quit. I’ve heard it before, but I’m not sure I quite understood it. I understand now. Nothing’s ever been clearer to me in my life. Mongooses always fight. We fought this week and we won. Feels damn good.”
The Fighting Mongooses are paired against AveryKellyElken next week. The Robot Unicorn will take on Fred’s Got Slacks.
“I knew what I had to do,” Johnson said, completely past his phobia of speaking at length with the media. “I just told Carson (Palmer) ‘give me the ball. I got a fantasy match up to win.’ And that’s what I did. Cherry on top was Michael (Floyd) getting his score. Didn’t even need that one, but you never know. Tiebreakers might be big this year.”
The Fighting Mongooses overcame a team that had three 40 plus touchdowns: one from Saints WR Brandin Cooks and two from Giants WR Odell Beckham Jr. The latter receiver ended up with a 40.20 fantasy point performance for the Robot Unicorn in the loss.
“We didn’t win?” Beckham Jr. asked reporters after the Giants’ 27-23 win over the Ravens. “Wow, what am I gonna tell my wife and kids? You see, the kicking net and I have settle down. We used to have an abusive relationship. I’d lash out at her, she’d hit me back. But we’ve since settled down, got married. We even have a couple little nets now, a fishing net and a hair net. She gonna kill me, though. Either her or the Robot Unicorn. That thing is terrifying.”
Julio Jones added 19.90 fantasy points for the Fighting Mongooses, who have won three straight fantasy match ups.
“Just do your job, trust in the art of the comeback,” Jones said as Richard Sherman continued to hold on to his right arm in the locker room after Atlanta’s 26-24 loss to the Seahawks. “Would you let go already? <Expletive>!”
Texans QB Brock Osweiler gave the Mongooses a chance with two late touchdowns in Houston’s 26-23 overtime win over the Colts Sunday night.
“They have a saying around here,” Osweiler began to say after his 16.36 fantasy point performance. “Mongooses never quit. I’ve heard it before, but I’m not sure I quite understood it. I understand now. Nothing’s ever been clearer to me in my life. Mongooses always fight. We fought this week and we won. Feels damn good.”
The Fighting Mongooses are paired against AveryKellyElken next week. The Robot Unicorn will take on Fred’s Got Slacks.
David Johnson Scores Touchdowns;
Mongooses Take Shots at Dong Shots
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/r137086-576x324-16-9_1.jpg?479)
SCRANTON, Penn. (AP)—David Johnson scored a career-high 30.50 fantasy points, newcomer Martellus Bennett added his season-high 24.70 fantasy points and the Fighting Mongooses (3-2) defeated Favre’s Dong Shots (3-2) 133.42-75.36 in the Kevin Ware Memorial League. After getting some much needed pointers from his fellow running backs in dealing with the media, Johnson met reporters at his locker.
“My name is David Johnson and I score touchdowns!” Johnson exclaimed after Arizona’s 33-21 win over San Francisco. “This is what I had in mind when all those colleges passed on me. I knew one day I’d be in the NFL and I’d be winning fantasy match-ups for the Fighting Mongooses. I showed them. I’m gonna keep showing them.”
Johnson’s fellow Mongoose running back Melvin Gordon scored a late touchdown to cap a 12.70 point fantasy day. The former Wisconsin Badger has now scored a touchdown in every game this season.
“Round one, nope. Round two, nuh-uh. Round 3, seriously?” the San Diego tailback recalled. “I was like is this dude really gonna keep passing on me? I thought for sure I was gonna be a Dong Shot. I even took some dong shots and everything for them. I was so ready. But no. Fourth Round. Mongooses get me. Been waiting all year for this week. On Wisconsin. On <expletive> Wisconsin!”
Bennett’s big day came in Tom Brady’s return to the Patriots. Bennett hauled in three touchdowns from the New England quarterback.
“I tell you what, man. Those balls were real easy to catch. So soft,” Bennett said after the Patriots’ 31-13 win in Cleveland. “It’s almost like they were underinflated. So different from last week’s. Guess that’s just what it’s like catching balls from the golden boy. Although, come to think of it, I did see a guy that looked like Tom (Brady) take a pump with him into the room where the balls are kept. But that guy had a moustache and had a cartoon villain-like laugh. Probably nothing.”
New England’s defense also contributed 13.00 fantasy points to the Mongooses’ cause. It was the squad’s first double-digit effort since being foolishly benched against Houston in Week three.
“(Inaudible),” Bill Belichick said.
Julio Jones scored just 2.90 fantasy points after his 40.00 fantasy point effort a week ago. But the lack of production was irrelevant in the blowout.
“I was high,” Jones said. He later clarified, saying “I was in Denver.”
The Fighting Mongooses will face The Robot Unicorn (2-3) in Week 6.
“My name is David Johnson and I score touchdowns!” Johnson exclaimed after Arizona’s 33-21 win over San Francisco. “This is what I had in mind when all those colleges passed on me. I knew one day I’d be in the NFL and I’d be winning fantasy match-ups for the Fighting Mongooses. I showed them. I’m gonna keep showing them.”
Johnson’s fellow Mongoose running back Melvin Gordon scored a late touchdown to cap a 12.70 point fantasy day. The former Wisconsin Badger has now scored a touchdown in every game this season.
“Round one, nope. Round two, nuh-uh. Round 3, seriously?” the San Diego tailback recalled. “I was like is this dude really gonna keep passing on me? I thought for sure I was gonna be a Dong Shot. I even took some dong shots and everything for them. I was so ready. But no. Fourth Round. Mongooses get me. Been waiting all year for this week. On Wisconsin. On <expletive> Wisconsin!”
Bennett’s big day came in Tom Brady’s return to the Patriots. Bennett hauled in three touchdowns from the New England quarterback.
“I tell you what, man. Those balls were real easy to catch. So soft,” Bennett said after the Patriots’ 31-13 win in Cleveland. “It’s almost like they were underinflated. So different from last week’s. Guess that’s just what it’s like catching balls from the golden boy. Although, come to think of it, I did see a guy that looked like Tom (Brady) take a pump with him into the room where the balls are kept. But that guy had a moustache and had a cartoon villain-like laugh. Probably nothing.”
New England’s defense also contributed 13.00 fantasy points to the Mongooses’ cause. It was the squad’s first double-digit effort since being foolishly benched against Houston in Week three.
“(Inaudible),” Bill Belichick said.
Julio Jones scored just 2.90 fantasy points after his 40.00 fantasy point effort a week ago. But the lack of production was irrelevant in the blowout.
“I was high,” Jones said. He later clarified, saying “I was in Denver.”
The Fighting Mongooses will face The Robot Unicorn (2-3) in Week 6.
Jones Leads Mongooses in Big Win
Over Canadian Tuxedos
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/julio-jones-300-td-panthers_1.jpg?477)
East Brunswick, NJ (AP)—Julio Jones scored a franchise record 40.00 fantasy points and the Fighting Mongooses (2-2) never looked back against the Canadian Tuxedos (1-3) in a 146.22-107.88 win. Jones compiled an Atlanta Falcons record 300 receiving yards, including a 75 yard touchdown; however he understandably didn’t seem too interested in his NFL franchise.
“Falcons record? <Expletive> that!” Jones said after the Falcons’ 48-33 win over the Panthers. “You think I give a flying <expletive> about a <expletive> Falcons record. Name one person who cares about the <expletive> Falcons. Exactly. I do what I do for the Fighting Mongooses. The Fighting mother <expletive> Mongooses! Print that, <expletive>!”
Jones wasn’t the only Mongoose with a big day. Tennessee running back DeMarco Murry scored 23.90 fantasy points. His two touchdowns marks his second multi-touchdown day this season. Murray credits the opposing team for his inspiration.
“Just something about those Tuxes, man,” Murray said after the Titans’ 27-20 loss to the Texans. “I just see that Titans logo on the other side and I get all fired up. Did my fantasy part, per use. But the best part? We lost the game! Some teams just got that fantasy luck. Some don’t.”
The Fighting Mongooses have been on both sides of that this season. The team’s 525.28 total fantasy points is good enough for second in the league behind BlainesRealAmericans, or the Bras for short. Regardless, the team sits at 2-2 in 6th place.
“Just the way it goes,” Dez Bryant said through a double-layered glass window from the quarantine room in the Fighting Mongooses facilities.
“Bras got the luck. Rex got the luck. Hell, even those Dong shots got the luck. We know we fighting a uphill battle with those fantasy Gods,” Bryant continued.
“It’s true,” Tony Romo added from the adjacent ICU. “They can be cruel. All we can do is pray.”
Romo cleared his though and exemplified. “Oh, mighty fantasy football Gods, please healeth my brittle bones and giveth Dez thine strength to play. We beseech thee! Mongoose shall never quiteth. Mongoose shall fight. Mongoose shall prevail. We are but your humble servants. In your immortal greatness, let us say: all hail fantasy football.”
Romo continues to wait for divine intervention to help him get on the field.
The Fighting Mongooses play Favre’s Dong Shots (3-1) Week 5. Steve Smith Senior’s suspension has been lifted.
“Falcons record? <Expletive> that!” Jones said after the Falcons’ 48-33 win over the Panthers. “You think I give a flying <expletive> about a <expletive> Falcons record. Name one person who cares about the <expletive> Falcons. Exactly. I do what I do for the Fighting Mongooses. The Fighting mother <expletive> Mongooses! Print that, <expletive>!”
Jones wasn’t the only Mongoose with a big day. Tennessee running back DeMarco Murry scored 23.90 fantasy points. His two touchdowns marks his second multi-touchdown day this season. Murray credits the opposing team for his inspiration.
“Just something about those Tuxes, man,” Murray said after the Titans’ 27-20 loss to the Texans. “I just see that Titans logo on the other side and I get all fired up. Did my fantasy part, per use. But the best part? We lost the game! Some teams just got that fantasy luck. Some don’t.”
The Fighting Mongooses have been on both sides of that this season. The team’s 525.28 total fantasy points is good enough for second in the league behind BlainesRealAmericans, or the Bras for short. Regardless, the team sits at 2-2 in 6th place.
“Just the way it goes,” Dez Bryant said through a double-layered glass window from the quarantine room in the Fighting Mongooses facilities.
“Bras got the luck. Rex got the luck. Hell, even those Dong shots got the luck. We know we fighting a uphill battle with those fantasy Gods,” Bryant continued.
“It’s true,” Tony Romo added from the adjacent ICU. “They can be cruel. All we can do is pray.”
Romo cleared his though and exemplified. “Oh, mighty fantasy football Gods, please healeth my brittle bones and giveth Dez thine strength to play. We beseech thee! Mongoose shall never quiteth. Mongoose shall fight. Mongoose shall prevail. We are but your humble servants. In your immortal greatness, let us say: all hail fantasy football.”
Romo continues to wait for divine intervention to help him get on the field.
The Fighting Mongooses play Favre’s Dong Shots (3-1) Week 5. Steve Smith Senior’s suspension has been lifted.
Curse Evident in Mongooses Loss to BRA
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/la-sp-rams-sidebar-20160925-snap_1.jpg?479)
SCRANTON, Penn. (AP)—Jameis Winston bounced back from the torture chamber to score a team-high 25.50 fantasy points, five players scored double-digit fantasy points, but the Fighting Mongooses (1-2) dropped their Weeek3 match-up to BlainesRealAmericans 166.38-123.54. The 166.38 fantasy points by BlainesRealAmericans was the highest total for any team in a week this season.
“<Expletive> sucks,” Winston said after Tampa Bay’s 37-32 loss to Los Angeles Sunday. “This is that Mongoose curse I’ve heard so much about. But it’s OK. It’s OK. I’m not freakin’ out. Just week three.” Winston paused as he was visibly sweating. Then he continued, “I can’t go back to the QB room, man. I just can’t. I haven’t seen Brock (Osweiler) since Thursday. I’d call the police, but you know… Publix.”
Osweiler scored just 7.14 fantasy points in Houston’s 27-0 loss to New England Thursday. He was standing right behind Winston talking to another group of reporters.
“Look, I make a lot of money, a lot of money,” Osweiler said. “Clearly I’m worth every penny. Was all set to have a great game until coach benched the Patriots’ Defense. As soon as that happened, some kind of supernatural force took over my body. I felt like Patrick Ewing in Space Jam. My throws kept hitting the popcorn vendor. Weird feeling.”
“Coach sat us down and explained everything,” Malcolm Butler said after his unit put up 21.00 fantasy points. “It made perfect sense. You know, Thursday night games usually high-scoring, third string quarterback playing, likely gonna have the defense on the field a lot. We got it. But then the football gods took over. It was like as soon as our performance didn’t count, we played out of our minds. Hadn’t played that well all year. Probably won’t again the rest of the year. Just crazy.”
Once again, the Mongooses got stellar performances from the running back positions. Arizona tail back David Johnson scored 23.10 fantasy points. Tennessee’s DeMarco Murray added 21.50 fantasy points, while San Diego’s Melvin Gordon added 13.80 fantasy points.
“We’re good,” Johnson said.
Dallas wide receiver Dez Bryant was the only Mongoose at the position to score in double digits, putting up 10.00 fantasy points in the Cowboys win over Chicago.
“Oh, yeah, we good,” Bryant said during his MRI exam on his apparent knee injury. “Ain’t worried about my body. Just worried about that curse. Nothing we can do about those 40 plus touchdowns on the other side. Would have beat plenty of other teams this week. Wait, that’s right. The curse. Maybe I should be worried about my body! <Expletive>! I’ll be OK, right Doc?”
Bryant left the facility and was followed by a black cat. As it started to rain, he rushed under a ladder only to run into and break a mirror. He was then struck by lightning, twice on the same spot. He is questionable this week.
“Yeah, seems ‘bout right,” Bryant said.
The Fighting Mongooses face the Canadian Tuxedos (1-2) in Week 4.
“<Expletive> sucks,” Winston said after Tampa Bay’s 37-32 loss to Los Angeles Sunday. “This is that Mongoose curse I’ve heard so much about. But it’s OK. It’s OK. I’m not freakin’ out. Just week three.” Winston paused as he was visibly sweating. Then he continued, “I can’t go back to the QB room, man. I just can’t. I haven’t seen Brock (Osweiler) since Thursday. I’d call the police, but you know… Publix.”
Osweiler scored just 7.14 fantasy points in Houston’s 27-0 loss to New England Thursday. He was standing right behind Winston talking to another group of reporters.
“Look, I make a lot of money, a lot of money,” Osweiler said. “Clearly I’m worth every penny. Was all set to have a great game until coach benched the Patriots’ Defense. As soon as that happened, some kind of supernatural force took over my body. I felt like Patrick Ewing in Space Jam. My throws kept hitting the popcorn vendor. Weird feeling.”
“Coach sat us down and explained everything,” Malcolm Butler said after his unit put up 21.00 fantasy points. “It made perfect sense. You know, Thursday night games usually high-scoring, third string quarterback playing, likely gonna have the defense on the field a lot. We got it. But then the football gods took over. It was like as soon as our performance didn’t count, we played out of our minds. Hadn’t played that well all year. Probably won’t again the rest of the year. Just crazy.”
Once again, the Mongooses got stellar performances from the running back positions. Arizona tail back David Johnson scored 23.10 fantasy points. Tennessee’s DeMarco Murray added 21.50 fantasy points, while San Diego’s Melvin Gordon added 13.80 fantasy points.
“We’re good,” Johnson said.
Dallas wide receiver Dez Bryant was the only Mongoose at the position to score in double digits, putting up 10.00 fantasy points in the Cowboys win over Chicago.
“Oh, yeah, we good,” Bryant said during his MRI exam on his apparent knee injury. “Ain’t worried about my body. Just worried about that curse. Nothing we can do about those 40 plus touchdowns on the other side. Would have beat plenty of other teams this week. Wait, that’s right. The curse. Maybe I should be worried about my body! <Expletive>! I’ll be OK, right Doc?”
Bryant left the facility and was followed by a black cat. As it started to rain, he rushed under a ladder only to run into and break a mirror. He was then struck by lightning, twice on the same spot. He is questionable this week.
“Yeah, seems ‘bout right,” Bryant said.
The Fighting Mongooses face the Canadian Tuxedos (1-2) in Week 4.
Quarterbacks Struggle in Mongooses' Loss
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/gordon_1.jpg?465)
SCRANTON, Penn. (AP) – Melvin Gordon scored 18.00 fantasy points, six players scored double digit fantasy points, but poor quarterback play doomed the Fighting Mongooses (1-1) in their 122.10 – 114.54 loss to TANKING IS MY RIGHT! (2-0).
Tampa Bay quarterback Jameis Winston and Houston quarterback Brock Osweiler combined for six interceptions in the loss. Winston scored an abysmal 4.62 fantasy points in the Buccaneers’ 40-7 loss to the Cardinals. Both QB’s were not available for comment in the Fighting Mongooses’ facility in Moosic, PA after the loss; however, reporters heard screams of unspeakable torment and horror coming from the quarterback meeting room.
“Oh, God, why?!” yelled a voice that resembled Winston’s. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Please stop! AHHHHH!!!”
There was a brief pause.
“It’ll never happen again,” the voice muttered through obvious tears. “No! No! Please! I’ve learned my lesson. AHHHHHH!!!”
The voice went silent. Seconds later a voice resembling that of Osweiler’s was heard.
“<Expletive>! You <expletive> psycho! It’s just fantasy football,” the voice pleaded. “Is this really <expletive> necessary? You take this that seriously? I think Jameis is dead. I think he’s really… AHHHHH!!!”
That voice went silent as well. It was unclear who else was in that room. Both Winston and Osweiler are expected to start next week.
Dallas quarterback Tony Romo hand-wrote a sign on the door that read “Torture Chamber.” Romo broke his left fibula, his right tibia, fractured his left clavicle and fractured his skull hanging up the sign. He is week-to-week.
Decent quarterback play would have almost certainly meant a Mongooses victory. Once again, the Fighting Mongooses running backs shined. In addition to Gordon’s 18.00 fantasy performance, DeMarco Murray and David Johnson scored 14.50 and 14.30 fantasy points respectively.
“It’s frustrating. I played well… Is that better?” Johnson asked candidly.
“I just don’t wanna ever be in that torture chamber,” Murray added. “You go there, you never come back.”
But the two highest scoring Mongooses in Week 2 didn’t even contribute to the cause. Cleveland running back Isaiah Crowell scored a game-high 24.80 fantasy points while Minnesota wide out Stefon Diggs added 24.20 fantasy points.
“It’s a simple fact,” Crowell began. “I am the greatest fantasy football player of all time. Don’t know why that’s so hard for people to understand. I mean, could it be any more obvious? That’s why I call myself King Crowell. We do that in Cleveland.”
“Shame we lost, man,” Diggs added. “Frustrating when you leave so many points on the bench and your QB’s suck ass. Just a damn shame, damn shame. Should have played me. I’m obviously better that that Julio Jones dude.”
“Yeah, apparently that dude’s real good,” Jones said after a 16.60 fantasy performance.
Apparently.
The Fighting Mongooses will face Blaine’s Real Americans (1-1) in Week 3. Steve Smith Sr. is still suspended for conduct detrimental to the team.
Tampa Bay quarterback Jameis Winston and Houston quarterback Brock Osweiler combined for six interceptions in the loss. Winston scored an abysmal 4.62 fantasy points in the Buccaneers’ 40-7 loss to the Cardinals. Both QB’s were not available for comment in the Fighting Mongooses’ facility in Moosic, PA after the loss; however, reporters heard screams of unspeakable torment and horror coming from the quarterback meeting room.
“Oh, God, why?!” yelled a voice that resembled Winston’s. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Please stop! AHHHHH!!!”
There was a brief pause.
“It’ll never happen again,” the voice muttered through obvious tears. “No! No! Please! I’ve learned my lesson. AHHHHHH!!!”
The voice went silent. Seconds later a voice resembling that of Osweiler’s was heard.
“<Expletive>! You <expletive> psycho! It’s just fantasy football,” the voice pleaded. “Is this really <expletive> necessary? You take this that seriously? I think Jameis is dead. I think he’s really… AHHHHH!!!”
That voice went silent as well. It was unclear who else was in that room. Both Winston and Osweiler are expected to start next week.
Dallas quarterback Tony Romo hand-wrote a sign on the door that read “Torture Chamber.” Romo broke his left fibula, his right tibia, fractured his left clavicle and fractured his skull hanging up the sign. He is week-to-week.
Decent quarterback play would have almost certainly meant a Mongooses victory. Once again, the Fighting Mongooses running backs shined. In addition to Gordon’s 18.00 fantasy performance, DeMarco Murray and David Johnson scored 14.50 and 14.30 fantasy points respectively.
“It’s frustrating. I played well… Is that better?” Johnson asked candidly.
“I just don’t wanna ever be in that torture chamber,” Murray added. “You go there, you never come back.”
But the two highest scoring Mongooses in Week 2 didn’t even contribute to the cause. Cleveland running back Isaiah Crowell scored a game-high 24.80 fantasy points while Minnesota wide out Stefon Diggs added 24.20 fantasy points.
“It’s a simple fact,” Crowell began. “I am the greatest fantasy football player of all time. Don’t know why that’s so hard for people to understand. I mean, could it be any more obvious? That’s why I call myself King Crowell. We do that in Cleveland.”
“Shame we lost, man,” Diggs added. “Frustrating when you leave so many points on the bench and your QB’s suck ass. Just a damn shame, damn shame. Should have played me. I’m obviously better that that Julio Jones dude.”
“Yeah, apparently that dude’s real good,” Jones said after a 16.60 fantasy performance.
Apparently.
The Fighting Mongooses will face Blaine’s Real Americans (1-1) in Week 3. Steve Smith Sr. is still suspended for conduct detrimental to the team.
Fred's Got Slacks, But Sacked in Opener;
Fighting Mongooses Win Big
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/winston_1.jpg?435)
SCRANTON, Penn. (AP) – Jameis Winston scored a matchup-high 29.54 fantasy points and the Fighting Mongooses (1-0) began the 2016 Kevin Ware Memorial League season with a 140.98 – 109.28 win over rival Fred’s Got Slacks (0-1). Seven Mongooses scored double digit fantasy points in the win, the first in week one for the franchise since defeating Hernandez Pixy Stix by less than a point in 2013.
“That’s what I’m talkin’ about! Man, that felt good, you know what I’m saying?” Winston asked from the back room of a Publix. “Just felt right, you know? It’s <expletive> great to be a Fighting Mongoose! <Expletive> great! Now I finally get to stop workin’ here. Manager said once I contributed to the Mongooses, he’d consider them crab legs paid off. I’m a free man!”
A lobster fell out of his pant leg as Winston left the room. He started to run.
“I guess Fred’s Slacks ain’t a winner after all,” Julio Jones said after a 12.60 fantasy day. “It’s all about the Mongooses, man. This season gonna be different. I can feel it. Curse is over. Not even a cobra can stop us. Not even like, three cobras. Let’s go! Let’s <expletive> go! Now if you’ll excuse me.” Jones left whistling Me and Julio Down by the School Yard.
Arizona running back David Johnson added 19.20 fantasy points in his Fighting Mongooses debut. When asked about his 132 yard day with a touchdown, Johnson responded, “Yeah, it was good.”
“I ran hard,” Johnson said when a reporter asked him why he shined.
“Good team win,” Johnson said in response to winning the fantasy opener.
When asked about his brevity, Johnson opened up.
“That’s definitely something I’ve worked a lot on,” Johnson said. “Back at Northern Iowa, our fantasy owner Landon Stolar was at all the games. He really worked with me about giving more than three word answers with the media. When I was younger, I always struggled with that. But he would cover our games at the UNIDome and I would just open up. I know I’m a lot better now. Couldn’t be more proud to be on his fantasy team. I knew he believed in me.”
A reporter asked a follow up question about his rookie season on the Fighting Mongooses.
“Yeah, wasn’t good,” Johnson said.
Melvin Gordon and DeMarco Murray put up identical 17.70 point performances in the win. Dez Bryant and Jared Cook were the only position players to struggle, scoring 0.80 and 0.70 points respectively. The rest of the team put dunce hats on them in the locker room, pointed and laughed loudly.
“Did I say you can take that off?!” Murray yelled at Bryant when he removed his hat. “Did I say you can <expletive> take that <expletive> hat off? You sorry sack of <expletive>! That was <expletive> pathetic! I didn’t bust my <expletive> scoring two touchdowns to watch you <expletive> it up! This is why I <expletive> left Dallas! You <expletive> suck! I’m just kiddin’. I love you, man.”
Brock Osweiler has the locker next to Murray. He left terrified and requested a different locker.
“I scored 17 points, too,” Dan Baily said. There were no reporters at his locker.
The Fighting Mongooses face TANKING IS MY RIGHT! In week 2. Steve Smith Sr. continues to be suspended for conduct detrimental to the team.
“That’s what I’m talkin’ about! Man, that felt good, you know what I’m saying?” Winston asked from the back room of a Publix. “Just felt right, you know? It’s <expletive> great to be a Fighting Mongoose! <Expletive> great! Now I finally get to stop workin’ here. Manager said once I contributed to the Mongooses, he’d consider them crab legs paid off. I’m a free man!”
A lobster fell out of his pant leg as Winston left the room. He started to run.
“I guess Fred’s Slacks ain’t a winner after all,” Julio Jones said after a 12.60 fantasy day. “It’s all about the Mongooses, man. This season gonna be different. I can feel it. Curse is over. Not even a cobra can stop us. Not even like, three cobras. Let’s go! Let’s <expletive> go! Now if you’ll excuse me.” Jones left whistling Me and Julio Down by the School Yard.
Arizona running back David Johnson added 19.20 fantasy points in his Fighting Mongooses debut. When asked about his 132 yard day with a touchdown, Johnson responded, “Yeah, it was good.”
“I ran hard,” Johnson said when a reporter asked him why he shined.
“Good team win,” Johnson said in response to winning the fantasy opener.
When asked about his brevity, Johnson opened up.
“That’s definitely something I’ve worked a lot on,” Johnson said. “Back at Northern Iowa, our fantasy owner Landon Stolar was at all the games. He really worked with me about giving more than three word answers with the media. When I was younger, I always struggled with that. But he would cover our games at the UNIDome and I would just open up. I know I’m a lot better now. Couldn’t be more proud to be on his fantasy team. I knew he believed in me.”
A reporter asked a follow up question about his rookie season on the Fighting Mongooses.
“Yeah, wasn’t good,” Johnson said.
Melvin Gordon and DeMarco Murray put up identical 17.70 point performances in the win. Dez Bryant and Jared Cook were the only position players to struggle, scoring 0.80 and 0.70 points respectively. The rest of the team put dunce hats on them in the locker room, pointed and laughed loudly.
“Did I say you can take that off?!” Murray yelled at Bryant when he removed his hat. “Did I say you can <expletive> take that <expletive> hat off? You sorry sack of <expletive>! That was <expletive> pathetic! I didn’t bust my <expletive> scoring two touchdowns to watch you <expletive> it up! This is why I <expletive> left Dallas! You <expletive> suck! I’m just kiddin’. I love you, man.”
Brock Osweiler has the locker next to Murray. He left terrified and requested a different locker.
“I scored 17 points, too,” Dan Baily said. There were no reporters at his locker.
The Fighting Mongooses face TANKING IS MY RIGHT! In week 2. Steve Smith Sr. continues to be suspended for conduct detrimental to the team.
Mongooses Apparently Out to Prove 2015 is No Different
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/1319011_orig.jpg)
SRANTON, Penn. (AP) – After winning the CBS 2 Bracket Challenge, the Fighting Mongooses were confident they had returned to fantasy sports greatness; however, they were sadly mistaken. The move from Iowa to Pennsylvania proved to be irrelevant for the Fighting Mongooses, which once again proved to be cursed in the Syracuse fantasy football league, falling to TANKING IS MY RIGHT 139.12-101.48 in the 2015 season opener.
The Mongooses gave up over 20 fantasy points to both Rob Gronkowski and the Denver defense. Clearly the Mongooses weren’t trying hard enough.
“I had a radical thought,” Mike Tomlin, Steelers head coach said. “Let’s just not cover Rob Gronkowski. Don’t try to cover him. Just don’t do it. So we just purposely left him open all game. Turns out, that didn’t work.”
Gronkowski scored three touchdowns in the Patriots win over the Steelers. There was no one lined up opposite him on four occasions, one of which found the endzone, another went for a 50 yard completion.
“It was definitely some outside-the-box thinking,” said Markus Wheaton, who finished with just 7.50 fantasy points and dropped a touchdown pass. “Coach told me whatever you do, don’t score. I thought to myself <expletive>! That's dumb. But whatever. I guess that’s a rule when you’re a Fighting Mongoose. Just expect everything to go wrong.”
Once again, the Mongooses were hit early by the injury bug. Starting wideout TY Hilton and starting running back Andre Ellington were both injured in their respective season openers before they could make a significant impact.
“Yep, this is pretty much what I was told to expect here,” Hilton said. "<Expletive>! This is gonna suck!"
“Dude, you don’t know the half of it,” Ellington added. “I was here last year… I’ve seen some terrible things…”
Ellington pulled out a lighter and just stared at the flame until respected members of the media walked away in fear and confusion.
Only four Mongooses scored double digit fantasy points, Ellington, both quarterbacks and top draft pick Eddie Lacy.
“This is certainly gonna be a struggle,” Lacy said. “Injuries already, knowing we’ll be getting every team’s best performance every week because that’s the way this league works. But I’m a winner and I’m going to win… Maybe… Ok, probably not.”
The Fighting Mongooses face Favre’s Dong Shots in Week 2.
The Mongooses gave up over 20 fantasy points to both Rob Gronkowski and the Denver defense. Clearly the Mongooses weren’t trying hard enough.
“I had a radical thought,” Mike Tomlin, Steelers head coach said. “Let’s just not cover Rob Gronkowski. Don’t try to cover him. Just don’t do it. So we just purposely left him open all game. Turns out, that didn’t work.”
Gronkowski scored three touchdowns in the Patriots win over the Steelers. There was no one lined up opposite him on four occasions, one of which found the endzone, another went for a 50 yard completion.
“It was definitely some outside-the-box thinking,” said Markus Wheaton, who finished with just 7.50 fantasy points and dropped a touchdown pass. “Coach told me whatever you do, don’t score. I thought to myself <expletive>! That's dumb. But whatever. I guess that’s a rule when you’re a Fighting Mongoose. Just expect everything to go wrong.”
Once again, the Mongooses were hit early by the injury bug. Starting wideout TY Hilton and starting running back Andre Ellington were both injured in their respective season openers before they could make a significant impact.
“Yep, this is pretty much what I was told to expect here,” Hilton said. "<Expletive>! This is gonna suck!"
“Dude, you don’t know the half of it,” Ellington added. “I was here last year… I’ve seen some terrible things…”
Ellington pulled out a lighter and just stared at the flame until respected members of the media walked away in fear and confusion.
Only four Mongooses scored double digit fantasy points, Ellington, both quarterbacks and top draft pick Eddie Lacy.
“This is certainly gonna be a struggle,” Lacy said. “Injuries already, knowing we’ll be getting every team’s best performance every week because that’s the way this league works. But I’m a winner and I’m going to win… Maybe… Ok, probably not.”
The Fighting Mongooses face Favre’s Dong Shots in Week 2.
Miller Continues to Impress, Mongooses Lose
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/5931915.jpg?476)
CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa (AP) -- Joe Flacco lead the team in scoring for the third time in four weeks with 16.72 fantasy points, Lamar Miller added 14.30 points, but the Fighting Mongooses (3-4) fell to Lonnie Chisenhall (2-5) 114.42-93.84.
"I was warned, but now I think I understand," Miller told reporters after his second week with the fantasy team. "When I got here, everybody was like, "Mongooses? That's a death sentence." After last week's win, thought that was all bogus. But now, it's kind of clear. Not even breaking 100? Man, that's rough."
Miller has a point. The Mongooses had plenty of chances to score more touchdowns and more points. One of the team's other new players, Julius Thomas was held without a touchdown for the first time this season. Peyton Manning missed him in the endzone in the 2nd quarter of the Broncos win over the 49ers.
"I blame Peyton Manning," Thomas said. "That guy sucks. Can't even throw one God <expletive> touchdown. What a loser."
In that same game, Anquan Boldin did his best to defeat the Mongooses even from Lonnie Chisenhall's bench. Boldin dropped what would have been a touchdown from Colin Kaepernick in the first quarter, which lead to a Phil Dawson Field goal for the Indians' third baseman. Boldin was also called for offensive pass interference, wiping out a 4th quarter would-be touchdown from Kaepernick to Michael Crabtree. Adding in the yardage, those two plays resulted in an 18 point swing.
"Oh no!" Kaepernick exclaimed, mimicking the Waterboy. "We suck again!"
Boldin was available via teleconference for the visiting media.
"What the <expletive> is a Mongoose?" Boldin asked.
Flacco also could have had a bigger day, tossing a 39 yard touchdown to Torrey Smith, one yard shy of the bonus.
"I'm so sorry!" Flacco cried. "I've failed you all. I'm gonna go take a <expletive>. When I get back, we're gonna talk about Star Wars movies."
At the very least, the Mongooses have been consistent in their inconsistency all season. The team has followed all three of their sub-100-point games with big weeks (91.24, 127.76, 81.08, 154.20, 93.04, 169.46). So after this week's 93.84 performance, it's obvious the Mongooses will rebound against My Pal Ozzie Guillen.
"Yeah... I'm not so sure," Miller said. "This curse thing seems very real. This stuff really doesn't happen to other franchises. 500 seems like ceiling until the curse is broken."
"I was warned, but now I think I understand," Miller told reporters after his second week with the fantasy team. "When I got here, everybody was like, "Mongooses? That's a death sentence." After last week's win, thought that was all bogus. But now, it's kind of clear. Not even breaking 100? Man, that's rough."
Miller has a point. The Mongooses had plenty of chances to score more touchdowns and more points. One of the team's other new players, Julius Thomas was held without a touchdown for the first time this season. Peyton Manning missed him in the endzone in the 2nd quarter of the Broncos win over the 49ers.
"I blame Peyton Manning," Thomas said. "That guy sucks. Can't even throw one God <expletive> touchdown. What a loser."
In that same game, Anquan Boldin did his best to defeat the Mongooses even from Lonnie Chisenhall's bench. Boldin dropped what would have been a touchdown from Colin Kaepernick in the first quarter, which lead to a Phil Dawson Field goal for the Indians' third baseman. Boldin was also called for offensive pass interference, wiping out a 4th quarter would-be touchdown from Kaepernick to Michael Crabtree. Adding in the yardage, those two plays resulted in an 18 point swing.
"Oh no!" Kaepernick exclaimed, mimicking the Waterboy. "We suck again!"
Boldin was available via teleconference for the visiting media.
"What the <expletive> is a Mongoose?" Boldin asked.
Flacco also could have had a bigger day, tossing a 39 yard touchdown to Torrey Smith, one yard shy of the bonus.
"I'm so sorry!" Flacco cried. "I've failed you all. I'm gonna go take a <expletive>. When I get back, we're gonna talk about Star Wars movies."
At the very least, the Mongooses have been consistent in their inconsistency all season. The team has followed all three of their sub-100-point games with big weeks (91.24, 127.76, 81.08, 154.20, 93.04, 169.46). So after this week's 93.84 performance, it's obvious the Mongooses will rebound against My Pal Ozzie Guillen.
"Yeah... I'm not so sure," Miller said. "This curse thing seems very real. This stuff really doesn't happen to other franchises. 500 seems like ceiling until the curse is broken."
Flacco Goes Wacko, Mongooses Show Fight
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/5040045.jpg?473)
CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa (AP) -- Joe Flacco lost his mind, throwing five touchdown passes in 16 minutes and putting up 36.24 fantasy points and the Fighting Mongooses (3-3) started to show their potential, beating I Just Had Rex (and it feels so good) (2-4) 169.46 - 119.74. The Mongooses' 169.46 points were the highest in the league this week.
"It's not easy, but somebody has to do it," Flacco told reporters in Tampa Bay while eating a Big Mac from McDonald's. "It's a simple fact; I am the greatest quarterback of all time. I'm also secretly the president of the United States. But don't tell anybody. And if the ghost of Andrew Jackson comes along, don't call Ghostbusters; call me."
Reporters asked him no further questions.
Flacco added, "and yes... I am Batman."
"Batman's" performance was just one of many expected break-out game this week. Colin Kaepernick scored a season-high 33.42 fantasy points. Newly acquired Julius Thomas scored 17.10. In all, eight starters reached double-digit points and Kaepernick proved he was just as crazy after his 49ers beat the Rams.
"I seen was Joey did on the field. I seent it! He was rufaless" Kaepernick said, making up words. "I was like, <expletive> I ain't letting this Sam the Eagle look-alike steal the headlines. So I was like, shazaam! Touchdown. Bam! Another. If he's Batman, I'm Superman. Or Super-Batman. <Expletive>! I'm God. Suck on that!"
Kaepernick had Flacco autograph his McDonald's bag.
"I will cherish this the rest of my life."
The Mongooses traded for four new players in the last two weeks, three of which made impacts: the aforementioned Thomas, Lamar Miller and Terrance Williams.
"I'm so happy to be here," Thomas said. "The Fighting Mongooses are a wonderful organization and stand for all that is good and right in this fantasy world. I will score touchdowns until the day I die. Now hopefully I won't die. I hear there's a curse around here."
Thomas stood silently, staring at a picture of Adrian Peterson in the atrium of the Fighting Mongooses facilities. The inscription read: he was number one.
The Fighting Mongooses will look to continue their improbably and yet expected run to a fantasy championship next week when they host Lonnie Chisenhall in beautiful downtown Cedar Rapids.
"It's not easy, but somebody has to do it," Flacco told reporters in Tampa Bay while eating a Big Mac from McDonald's. "It's a simple fact; I am the greatest quarterback of all time. I'm also secretly the president of the United States. But don't tell anybody. And if the ghost of Andrew Jackson comes along, don't call Ghostbusters; call me."
Reporters asked him no further questions.
Flacco added, "and yes... I am Batman."
"Batman's" performance was just one of many expected break-out game this week. Colin Kaepernick scored a season-high 33.42 fantasy points. Newly acquired Julius Thomas scored 17.10. In all, eight starters reached double-digit points and Kaepernick proved he was just as crazy after his 49ers beat the Rams.
"I seen was Joey did on the field. I seent it! He was rufaless" Kaepernick said, making up words. "I was like, <expletive> I ain't letting this Sam the Eagle look-alike steal the headlines. So I was like, shazaam! Touchdown. Bam! Another. If he's Batman, I'm Superman. Or Super-Batman. <Expletive>! I'm God. Suck on that!"
Kaepernick had Flacco autograph his McDonald's bag.
"I will cherish this the rest of my life."
The Mongooses traded for four new players in the last two weeks, three of which made impacts: the aforementioned Thomas, Lamar Miller and Terrance Williams.
"I'm so happy to be here," Thomas said. "The Fighting Mongooses are a wonderful organization and stand for all that is good and right in this fantasy world. I will score touchdowns until the day I die. Now hopefully I won't die. I hear there's a curse around here."
Thomas stood silently, staring at a picture of Adrian Peterson in the atrium of the Fighting Mongooses facilities. The inscription read: he was number one.
The Fighting Mongooses will look to continue their improbably and yet expected run to a fantasy championship next week when they host Lonnie Chisenhall in beautiful downtown Cedar Rapids.
Ju's Your Daddy? The Fighting Mongooses
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/4100967.jpg?473)
CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa (AP) -- Joe Flacco recorded a season high 29.38 fantasy points, Matt Asiata added 28 of three touchdowns, and the Fighting Mongooses (2-2) routed Ju's Your Daddy? (1-3) 154.20 - 105.50.
"I threw the ball straight for a touchdown," Flacco said in a monotone voice and then raised his arms as pictured to the left.
"This is what we're capable of," Flacco continued with more inflection in his voice. "Ya'll laughed at me when I told you we'd be good. Well who's laughing now? Who's <expletive> laughing now? I'm <expletive> loving this <expletive>!"
Flacco threw three touchdowns in the Ravens' 38-10 win over the Panthers. The first two were to Steve Smith Sr. The final one went to newly acquired Mongoose Torrey Smith.
"They said throw it to Smith. So I threw it to Smith," Flacco said. "It wasn't until the second half when Torrey smacked me in the head with a two-by-four that I realized I was throwing it to the wrong person."
"His head is thick," Torrey Smith said. "I had to knock some sense into that freak. I say 'hey Joe, throw me the damn ball. Throw it to Steve? Quoth the raven, nevermore.'"
"Nevermore?" Eddie Royal interrupted. "Nevermore should you doubt me, mother <expletive>! Should have started me. Pick me up just before kickoff. I got all excited. I messed around and put up about tree-fitty. Dumb <expletive>!"
Joe Flacco, Torrey Smith, Eddie Royal. These are the names associated with excellent fantasy football. And who needs Adrian Peterson when Matt Asiata is on your team?
"I scored three touchdowns," Asiata said.
Yes. Yes, he did.
The Mongooses rebounded from their second loss of the season with a season-high in points. When questioned about why there was no recap last week, Colin Kaepernick stepped in for Owner/GM/Head Coach/Mongoose Costume enthusiast Landon Stolar to explain.
“Well, this is a hopeless, losing team with no chance of winning. So why bother letting our fans know how we faired each week,” Kaepernick explained. “I admit I was a bit uninspired recently. But thank sweet little baby Jesus I wasn’t traded to I Just Had Rex in this week’s proposed deal. THAT is a hopeless, losing team with no chance of winning. I Just Had SEX, Rex! Suck it!”
Kaepernick was showing symptoms of radiation poisoning.
The Fighting Mongooses will continue to fight next week against Ray Rice’s Left Hook (2-2).
"I threw the ball straight for a touchdown," Flacco said in a monotone voice and then raised his arms as pictured to the left.
"This is what we're capable of," Flacco continued with more inflection in his voice. "Ya'll laughed at me when I told you we'd be good. Well who's laughing now? Who's <expletive> laughing now? I'm <expletive> loving this <expletive>!"
Flacco threw three touchdowns in the Ravens' 38-10 win over the Panthers. The first two were to Steve Smith Sr. The final one went to newly acquired Mongoose Torrey Smith.
"They said throw it to Smith. So I threw it to Smith," Flacco said. "It wasn't until the second half when Torrey smacked me in the head with a two-by-four that I realized I was throwing it to the wrong person."
"His head is thick," Torrey Smith said. "I had to knock some sense into that freak. I say 'hey Joe, throw me the damn ball. Throw it to Steve? Quoth the raven, nevermore.'"
"Nevermore?" Eddie Royal interrupted. "Nevermore should you doubt me, mother <expletive>! Should have started me. Pick me up just before kickoff. I got all excited. I messed around and put up about tree-fitty. Dumb <expletive>!"
Joe Flacco, Torrey Smith, Eddie Royal. These are the names associated with excellent fantasy football. And who needs Adrian Peterson when Matt Asiata is on your team?
"I scored three touchdowns," Asiata said.
Yes. Yes, he did.
The Mongooses rebounded from their second loss of the season with a season-high in points. When questioned about why there was no recap last week, Colin Kaepernick stepped in for Owner/GM/Head Coach/Mongoose Costume enthusiast Landon Stolar to explain.
“Well, this is a hopeless, losing team with no chance of winning. So why bother letting our fans know how we faired each week,” Kaepernick explained. “I admit I was a bit uninspired recently. But thank sweet little baby Jesus I wasn’t traded to I Just Had Rex in this week’s proposed deal. THAT is a hopeless, losing team with no chance of winning. I Just Had SEX, Rex! Suck it!”
Kaepernick was showing symptoms of radiation poisoning.
The Fighting Mongooses will continue to fight next week against Ray Rice’s Left Hook (2-2).
Marshall Leads Mongooses to Thrilling Victory
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/3097670.jpg?476)
CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa (AP) -- Fighting an ankle injury, Brandon Marshall went all Brandon Marshall Sunday night, scoring three touchdowns and 22.80 fantasy points and leading the Fighting Mongooses (1-1) to a 127.96 - 119.36 come-from-behind victory over BlainesRealAmericans (1-1).
The Fighting Mongooses trailed by roughly 36 points heading into the Sunday night contest between the Bears and 49ers. But Marshall's heroics, along with Colin Kaepernick--who tried to blow it with three interceptions--Michael Crabtree and the San Francisco defense led the Mongooses their first win of the season.
"Never a doubt. Never a doubt," Marshall repeated referring to his game-time-decision status for Sunday night. "I knew I needed to step up. I knew I needed to score some points. This is my stage, my team. I <expletive> love this team. I really do. Mongooses never quit, baby!"
After reporters walked away, Marshall exclaimed, "<Expletive>, my ankle hurts!"
Marshall and the Mongooses wide receivers outscored the BlaineRealAmericans wide outs by ten points and the running backs 29.30 - 21.50. 12.80 of those points came courtesy of Darren McFadden, who the Fighting Mongooses acquired via trade with BlainesRealAmericans just two weeks ago.
McFadden referred to his performance as poetic justice.
"You trade me away,
I'll make sure I make you pay,
A fool's move, suck it!
That's a haiku," McFadden said in rhythm. The Raiders lost 30-14 at home to the Texans.
McFadden started and shined in place of the suddenly injured Maurice Jones-Drew. So did newly-acquired Matt Asiata for the suddenly arrested Adrian Peterson, who apparently beats children. The Fighting Mongooses are leaving Peterson on the roster, but will not comment on the situation further. Asiata will.
"I love kids," Asiata said. "Therefore, I'm the better running back. That makes sense, right? In all seriousness, that's <expletive> up."
"I love kids, too," Dan Bailey said in front of the next locker over, attempting to draw attention to his remarkable 19 point kicking performance.
No one asked him any questions. He's a kicker.
The Fighting Mongooses will look to build a winning streak next week against The Robot Unicorn (1-1).
The Fighting Mongooses trailed by roughly 36 points heading into the Sunday night contest between the Bears and 49ers. But Marshall's heroics, along with Colin Kaepernick--who tried to blow it with three interceptions--Michael Crabtree and the San Francisco defense led the Mongooses their first win of the season.
"Never a doubt. Never a doubt," Marshall repeated referring to his game-time-decision status for Sunday night. "I knew I needed to step up. I knew I needed to score some points. This is my stage, my team. I <expletive> love this team. I really do. Mongooses never quit, baby!"
After reporters walked away, Marshall exclaimed, "<Expletive>, my ankle hurts!"
Marshall and the Mongooses wide receivers outscored the BlaineRealAmericans wide outs by ten points and the running backs 29.30 - 21.50. 12.80 of those points came courtesy of Darren McFadden, who the Fighting Mongooses acquired via trade with BlainesRealAmericans just two weeks ago.
McFadden referred to his performance as poetic justice.
"You trade me away,
I'll make sure I make you pay,
A fool's move, suck it!
That's a haiku," McFadden said in rhythm. The Raiders lost 30-14 at home to the Texans.
McFadden started and shined in place of the suddenly injured Maurice Jones-Drew. So did newly-acquired Matt Asiata for the suddenly arrested Adrian Peterson, who apparently beats children. The Fighting Mongooses are leaving Peterson on the roster, but will not comment on the situation further. Asiata will.
"I love kids," Asiata said. "Therefore, I'm the better running back. That makes sense, right? In all seriousness, that's <expletive> up."
"I love kids, too," Dan Bailey said in front of the next locker over, attempting to draw attention to his remarkable 19 point kicking performance.
No one asked him any questions. He's a kicker.
The Fighting Mongooses will look to build a winning streak next week against The Robot Unicorn (1-1).
Every Decision I Make Backfires
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/7597660.jpg?318)
CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa (AP) -- Joe Flacco threw an 80 yard touchdown pass and shined for 21.50 fantasy points in his Fighting Mongooses debut, however, the curse on the franchise in fantasy football is alive and well. The Fighting Mongooses fell to Favre's Dong shots 147.64 - 91.24.
"<Expletive>," Flacco responded to every question asked after the game.
Everyone else sucked, as Michael Crabtree, Riley Cooper, Jason Witten and Maurice Jones-Drew combined for just 9.10 fantasy points.
"<Expletive> my life," Crabtree said.
With all the poor performances, the Mongooses never had a chance. But poor judgement made the loss feel worse, as evident by the idiotic move on defense. The Mongooses benched San Francisco in favor of Chicago. SF = 18 points. CHI = 3 points.
"We were told it would be a shootout," Patrick Willis said referring to the Yahoo! projections. "Everyone said our game with Dallas would be points, points, points. Coach took us out and said they were going with Chicago or Houston this week based on match-up. They didn't even go with the right, wrong choice. Houston wasn't as good as us, but they were at least better that Chicago. Man, what a <expletive> dumb move. <Expletive> Stupid. Dallas sucks. They <expletive> suck!"
Jason Witten interrupted Willis.
"Never underestimate how much we <expletive> suck," Witten said.
"Never underestimate how much we <expletive> suck," Chris Conte said. "I mean, Yahoo! must be high as a <expletive> kite to say we were a better option than San Fran[cisco]. You over analyze <expletive> and that's what happens. There was no reason to bring us in."
Conte and the rest of the Bears defense were escorted out of the media room and no one ever saw them again.
To make matters worse, the two players the Mongooses dropped after the draft actually scored touchdowns. The team dropped Malcolm Floyd to make room for Chicago and in a trade for some insurance at running back, the Mongooses got rid of rookie receiver Allen Hurns, who had a 23 point day. All while the team wasted a 18.50 point performance by Darren Sproles on the bench.
"We'll make better choices moving forward," Sproles said. "Choices like putting me in the <expletive> line up. God!"
The Fighting Mongooses faces BlainesRealAmericans in Week 2 and fully expect to lose 200-45.
"<Expletive> my life," Crabtree repeated.
"<Expletive>," Flacco responded to every question asked after the game.
Everyone else sucked, as Michael Crabtree, Riley Cooper, Jason Witten and Maurice Jones-Drew combined for just 9.10 fantasy points.
"<Expletive> my life," Crabtree said.
With all the poor performances, the Mongooses never had a chance. But poor judgement made the loss feel worse, as evident by the idiotic move on defense. The Mongooses benched San Francisco in favor of Chicago. SF = 18 points. CHI = 3 points.
"We were told it would be a shootout," Patrick Willis said referring to the Yahoo! projections. "Everyone said our game with Dallas would be points, points, points. Coach took us out and said they were going with Chicago or Houston this week based on match-up. They didn't even go with the right, wrong choice. Houston wasn't as good as us, but they were at least better that Chicago. Man, what a <expletive> dumb move. <Expletive> Stupid. Dallas sucks. They <expletive> suck!"
Jason Witten interrupted Willis.
"Never underestimate how much we <expletive> suck," Witten said.
"Never underestimate how much we <expletive> suck," Chris Conte said. "I mean, Yahoo! must be high as a <expletive> kite to say we were a better option than San Fran[cisco]. You over analyze <expletive> and that's what happens. There was no reason to bring us in."
Conte and the rest of the Bears defense were escorted out of the media room and no one ever saw them again.
To make matters worse, the two players the Mongooses dropped after the draft actually scored touchdowns. The team dropped Malcolm Floyd to make room for Chicago and in a trade for some insurance at running back, the Mongooses got rid of rookie receiver Allen Hurns, who had a 23 point day. All while the team wasted a 18.50 point performance by Darren Sproles on the bench.
"We'll make better choices moving forward," Sproles said. "Choices like putting me in the <expletive> line up. God!"
The Fighting Mongooses faces BlainesRealAmericans in Week 2 and fully expect to lose 200-45.
"<Expletive> my life," Crabtree repeated.
New Season, New Faces for Fighting Mongooses
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/6949584.jpg?306)
CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa (AP) -- It's a brand new season of Fighting Mongooses fantasy football and for the first time since joining the Syracuse fantasy league, the team turns to a running back as the new face of the franchise: Adrian Peterson. The team used the first overall pick to bring in one of the most dynamic fantasy running backs in the game, hoping to end the curse.
"Man, does it feel good to be a Fighting Mongoose," Peterson said to begin his introductory press conference. "I just want all y'all to know, I'm gonna score touchdowns. All Day, baby! Y'all never seen nobody like me before!"
Peterson is right about that. Since joining the league, the Mongooses have never had a tail back as their best player. The franchise has never gone running back first and the previous backs were dreadful. Doug Martin and Trent Richardson were busts last season, just as Rashard Mendenhall and DeAngelo Williams were the year before.
"You need a star running back win in this particular league," Peterson said. "I think that's clear, and I'm the best. I'm the <expletive> greatest! Get rowdy!"
Bears wide receiver Brandon Marshall, keeper quarterback Colin Kaepernick, Joe Flacco and Chris Johnson rounded out the Mongooses top five pick this season.
"I'm back, mother <expletive>'s!" Kaepernick exclaimed. "Time for redemption! Me and the rest of this team, we got light <expletive> up!"
"I'm wacko for Flacco," Flacco said.
Other new names include Dwayne Bowe, Michael Crabtree, and Dan Bailey. The new teammates spent the day getting to know each other and the local media
"Hi, I'm Dan Bailey," said Dan Bailey.
The Yahoo! projections have the Mongooses finishing 3-10, dead last this season; however, the team is not concerned.
"If I recall, wasn't this team supposed to win it last year?" asked Jason Witten, the team's new tight end. "I remember all the rumblings around the league. They were supposed to win it all. They were so good. I won't repeat what happened, but let's just leave it at that. These projections mean nothing. 3-10? We could go 10-3. Mark it down."
The Mongooses have been cursed in the Syracuse fantasy league, finishing in the top two in points against every year in the league. Had they played a different schedule, the Mongooses would have been a playoff team each season.
"The curse thing is clear. You can't do anything about that," Peterson said. "But what goes around, comes around. Time for things to balance out. It's time to change the culture around here."
The Fighting Mongooses open the season against Favre's Dong Shots.
"Man, does it feel good to be a Fighting Mongoose," Peterson said to begin his introductory press conference. "I just want all y'all to know, I'm gonna score touchdowns. All Day, baby! Y'all never seen nobody like me before!"
Peterson is right about that. Since joining the league, the Mongooses have never had a tail back as their best player. The franchise has never gone running back first and the previous backs were dreadful. Doug Martin and Trent Richardson were busts last season, just as Rashard Mendenhall and DeAngelo Williams were the year before.
"You need a star running back win in this particular league," Peterson said. "I think that's clear, and I'm the best. I'm the <expletive> greatest! Get rowdy!"
Bears wide receiver Brandon Marshall, keeper quarterback Colin Kaepernick, Joe Flacco and Chris Johnson rounded out the Mongooses top five pick this season.
"I'm back, mother <expletive>'s!" Kaepernick exclaimed. "Time for redemption! Me and the rest of this team, we got light <expletive> up!"
"I'm wacko for Flacco," Flacco said.
Other new names include Dwayne Bowe, Michael Crabtree, and Dan Bailey. The new teammates spent the day getting to know each other and the local media
"Hi, I'm Dan Bailey," said Dan Bailey.
The Yahoo! projections have the Mongooses finishing 3-10, dead last this season; however, the team is not concerned.
"If I recall, wasn't this team supposed to win it last year?" asked Jason Witten, the team's new tight end. "I remember all the rumblings around the league. They were supposed to win it all. They were so good. I won't repeat what happened, but let's just leave it at that. These projections mean nothing. 3-10? We could go 10-3. Mark it down."
The Mongooses have been cursed in the Syracuse fantasy league, finishing in the top two in points against every year in the league. Had they played a different schedule, the Mongooses would have been a playoff team each season.
"The curse thing is clear. You can't do anything about that," Peterson said. "But what goes around, comes around. Time for things to balance out. It's time to change the culture around here."
The Fighting Mongooses open the season against Favre's Dong Shots.
Mongooses Finish Cursed Season,
Stolar:"Change is Coming"
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/9438519.jpg)
Cedar Rapids, Iowa - The Fighting Mongooses finish the 2013 season with an abysmal 3-10 record, yet again failing to make the Syracuse playoffs.
Owner/General Manager/Head Coach Landon Stolar vows this proud franchise will once again rise to fantasy prowess on the fantasy football field.
"The Fighting Mongooses are the greatest fantasy franchise in fantasy sports," Stolar said. "After the high of winning the baseball title, the losing on the football side was especially painful. The curse of 2013 is over. Hope is on the horizon. Change is coming. Positive change."
The Fighting Mongooses haven't won a fantasy football title since 2006, when Marc Bulger lead the team to the Brewster 11 fantasy title. The Mongooses retired from football from 2007 to 2010 before joining the Syracuse league in 2011.
The face of the franchise during the cursed season of 2013, Andrew Luck, found the courage to address the media after being told he cannot be kept a second time.
"I'm gonna read a little story," Luck said. "It's called 'The Little Engine that Could.' The book is used to teach children the value of optimism and hard work. Some would contend that the book is a metaphor for the American dream. In the tale, a long train must be pulled over a high mountain. The engine succeeds in pulling the train over the mountain while repeating... WHAT DID HE SAY, MATT?"
Luck rolled his eyes in the direction of Fighting Mongooses play-by-play announcer Matt Park, who sheepishly replied, "I think I can?"
Luck continued, "That's right. Well you know what? You see, I still think I can."
When reporters told Luck what he said was verbatim from the wikipedia page from the children's book, Luck responded, I don't know what you're talking about. Mongooses never quit! Mongooses will fight! Mongooses will prevail!"
Luck can be redrafted. But will likely wrap up his Mongooses career in defeat.
The Fighting Mongooses will return in march in March Madness pool play before attempting to take their 3rd fantasy baseball title in four years.
"We have the greatest fans in the world," Stolar said. "Be patient. We'll do everything in our power to compete in 2014. Football greatness will be back."
Owner/General Manager/Head Coach Landon Stolar vows this proud franchise will once again rise to fantasy prowess on the fantasy football field.
"The Fighting Mongooses are the greatest fantasy franchise in fantasy sports," Stolar said. "After the high of winning the baseball title, the losing on the football side was especially painful. The curse of 2013 is over. Hope is on the horizon. Change is coming. Positive change."
The Fighting Mongooses haven't won a fantasy football title since 2006, when Marc Bulger lead the team to the Brewster 11 fantasy title. The Mongooses retired from football from 2007 to 2010 before joining the Syracuse league in 2011.
The face of the franchise during the cursed season of 2013, Andrew Luck, found the courage to address the media after being told he cannot be kept a second time.
"I'm gonna read a little story," Luck said. "It's called 'The Little Engine that Could.' The book is used to teach children the value of optimism and hard work. Some would contend that the book is a metaphor for the American dream. In the tale, a long train must be pulled over a high mountain. The engine succeeds in pulling the train over the mountain while repeating... WHAT DID HE SAY, MATT?"
Luck rolled his eyes in the direction of Fighting Mongooses play-by-play announcer Matt Park, who sheepishly replied, "I think I can?"
Luck continued, "That's right. Well you know what? You see, I still think I can."
When reporters told Luck what he said was verbatim from the wikipedia page from the children's book, Luck responded, I don't know what you're talking about. Mongooses never quit! Mongooses will fight! Mongooses will prevail!"
Luck can be redrafted. But will likely wrap up his Mongooses career in defeat.
The Fighting Mongooses will return in march in March Madness pool play before attempting to take their 3rd fantasy baseball title in four years.
"We have the greatest fans in the world," Stolar said. "Be patient. We'll do everything in our power to compete in 2014. Football greatness will be back."
Mongooses UNDEFEATED...
Against Hernandez Pixy Stix
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/1661491.jpg)
Cedar Rapids, Iowa - Colin Kaepernick actually didn't suck for once and the Fighting Mongooses snapped their seven game losing streak with a 104.22-78.12 win over Hernandez Pixy Stix. The left many Mongooses shocked.
"I'm shocked!" exclaimed Shonn Greene.
"What do I do with my hands?" asked Blair Walsh. "What an exciting feeling! What is this?"
The game wasn't nearly as exciting as the first match-up between the two franchises. Owen Daniels rallied the Mongooses for a 157.90-157.04 miraculous victory.
"Those were happier times," Daniels told reporters through a medium from beyond the fantasy football grave.
"Owen?" Kaepernick asked, hearing Daniels' voice. "Owen, you son of a <expletive>. Man, this hocus pocus <expletive> is awesome. First that sacrificial <expletive> gets us a win and now this! Ha!
"I told you guys. That was the answer," Kaepernick continued to tell reporters. "We broke the curse! I just wished we figured it out sooner."
The year of the curse apparently does not apply to Hernandez Pixy Stix. The Fighting Mongooses are 2-0 against said team, 1-9 against the rest of the Syracuse league. A fact leaving some Mongooses less certain the curse is over.
"It's not like we played well," Andrew Luck said after a 14.62 fantasy performance in a loss against Arizona. "I mean, I've even caught the 'we suck' bug everybody else had. 104 ain't that good. We're just destined to beat that team. None else. Just them."
Despite the Mongooses' struggles with injuries, poor play, and waiting far too long to make trades, the Mongooses would still be in contention if they played any other schedule. Yahoo! once again provided that insight, stating the Mongooses would be 6-4 if they played the same schedule as Hernandez Pixy Stix.
"I'm told Mongooses never quit," Jordy Nelson said. "I'm not about to quit. I'll fight. I'll fight till the very end."
The very end is this week against Riley KKKooper.
"This season will go down as the curse of 2013," Trent Richardson said. "It's sad. This is the greatest fantasy franchise of all time. I guarantee you this team will fight this week and be back next year destined for greatness. Regression to the norm, man. Last place this year. First place next year. Worst to first? Totally possible. We're due for some wins. We'll get em."
"I'm shocked!" exclaimed Shonn Greene.
"What do I do with my hands?" asked Blair Walsh. "What an exciting feeling! What is this?"
The game wasn't nearly as exciting as the first match-up between the two franchises. Owen Daniels rallied the Mongooses for a 157.90-157.04 miraculous victory.
"Those were happier times," Daniels told reporters through a medium from beyond the fantasy football grave.
"Owen?" Kaepernick asked, hearing Daniels' voice. "Owen, you son of a <expletive>. Man, this hocus pocus <expletive> is awesome. First that sacrificial <expletive> gets us a win and now this! Ha!
"I told you guys. That was the answer," Kaepernick continued to tell reporters. "We broke the curse! I just wished we figured it out sooner."
The year of the curse apparently does not apply to Hernandez Pixy Stix. The Fighting Mongooses are 2-0 against said team, 1-9 against the rest of the Syracuse league. A fact leaving some Mongooses less certain the curse is over.
"It's not like we played well," Andrew Luck said after a 14.62 fantasy performance in a loss against Arizona. "I mean, I've even caught the 'we suck' bug everybody else had. 104 ain't that good. We're just destined to beat that team. None else. Just them."
Despite the Mongooses' struggles with injuries, poor play, and waiting far too long to make trades, the Mongooses would still be in contention if they played any other schedule. Yahoo! once again provided that insight, stating the Mongooses would be 6-4 if they played the same schedule as Hernandez Pixy Stix.
"I'm told Mongooses never quit," Jordy Nelson said. "I'm not about to quit. I'll fight. I'll fight till the very end."
The very end is this week against Riley KKKooper.
"This season will go down as the curse of 2013," Trent Richardson said. "It's sad. This is the greatest fantasy franchise of all time. I guarantee you this team will fight this week and be back next year destined for greatness. Regression to the norm, man. Last place this year. First place next year. Worst to first? Totally possible. We're due for some wins. We'll get em."
Mongooses Lose Again; Accept their Fate
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/2151110.jpg)
Cedar Rapids, Iowa - Chris Ivory has once again proven to be a viable running back option after a 15.80 fantasy point performance in week 11; everyone else sucks. The Fighting Mongooses fell to Favre's Dong Shots 112.54-101.86, the Mongooses' seventh straight loss.
"I didn't think it was possible," Ivory said. "They said it couldn't be done. They said it shouldn't be done. But God damn it, we did it. Seven in a row. Now that's impressive. I tried my best to keep my numbers down, but I'm too <expletive> good. Just had to find the endzone. But my teammates man. Never underestimate them... Pardon me, overestimate."
Over the past few weeks, the Mongooses have tried countless ways to get out of this slump, including multiple trades and free agency pick ups. But after losing once again, this time on a last minute touchdown on Monday Night Football by Ted Ginn Jr, the Mongooses' now realize how deep this goes.
"We were going at it all wrong," Golden Tate said. "You see we thought it was us. But it's clearly not. It don't matter who we bring in, we're just cursed."
Newly acquired players confirm the theory.
"I'm a winner," Vernon Davis said. "I'm a player who wants to win. But these Mongooses, man. Cannot win with them. Can't do it."
When asked to elaborate, Davis reiterated, "Can't do it."
"I think what Vernon is trying to say is this; there is clearly something freaky going on here," Jordy Nelson said. "I was very curious to see what this fantasy locker room was like when I got traded. I mean, this was a team that was picked to finish second or third in the league. So why? What is wrong with this team? I really think there is something to this curse thing."
The Fighting Mongooses were actually picked first by the official preseason Scott Grodsky Poll.
"People getting hurt, guys significantly under-performing. Nobody wanted to play them earlier this year. Now, it's like a Mongoose sponsored bye week. There's just some years when you get snake-bitten. Fitting for a team like the Mongooses," Nelson said.
"Why fantasy gods?" Stevie Johnson asked. "I praise you 24-7 and this is how you do me? Why can't we win?"
"That's it!" Colin Kaepernick exclaimed after overhearing. "We got take a metaphysical approach, man. There's some supernatural <expletive> clearly going on. They're hitting us with a <expletive>. So we gotta hit them with a <expletive> first, you know? Who's got like a goat or a cow or some <expletive>? We gotta sacrifice something. Gods like that <expletive>, right?"
"It's over, Colin," Andrew Luck told his under-performing counter part. "It's pointless to spill any more blood. Let's finish this thing with our dignity in tact. This is a franchise with four fantasy titles. We will do the honorable thing and continue compete."
Luck was struck by lightening. The Fighting Mongooses play Hernandez Pixy Stix next week, a team they actually beat back in week one on Owen Daniels' heroics.
"Where's Owen?" Kaepernick asked. "Oh that's right, he's dead. He's <expletive> dead."
"I didn't think it was possible," Ivory said. "They said it couldn't be done. They said it shouldn't be done. But God damn it, we did it. Seven in a row. Now that's impressive. I tried my best to keep my numbers down, but I'm too <expletive> good. Just had to find the endzone. But my teammates man. Never underestimate them... Pardon me, overestimate."
Over the past few weeks, the Mongooses have tried countless ways to get out of this slump, including multiple trades and free agency pick ups. But after losing once again, this time on a last minute touchdown on Monday Night Football by Ted Ginn Jr, the Mongooses' now realize how deep this goes.
"We were going at it all wrong," Golden Tate said. "You see we thought it was us. But it's clearly not. It don't matter who we bring in, we're just cursed."
Newly acquired players confirm the theory.
"I'm a winner," Vernon Davis said. "I'm a player who wants to win. But these Mongooses, man. Cannot win with them. Can't do it."
When asked to elaborate, Davis reiterated, "Can't do it."
"I think what Vernon is trying to say is this; there is clearly something freaky going on here," Jordy Nelson said. "I was very curious to see what this fantasy locker room was like when I got traded. I mean, this was a team that was picked to finish second or third in the league. So why? What is wrong with this team? I really think there is something to this curse thing."
The Fighting Mongooses were actually picked first by the official preseason Scott Grodsky Poll.
"People getting hurt, guys significantly under-performing. Nobody wanted to play them earlier this year. Now, it's like a Mongoose sponsored bye week. There's just some years when you get snake-bitten. Fitting for a team like the Mongooses," Nelson said.
"Why fantasy gods?" Stevie Johnson asked. "I praise you 24-7 and this is how you do me? Why can't we win?"
"That's it!" Colin Kaepernick exclaimed after overhearing. "We got take a metaphysical approach, man. There's some supernatural <expletive> clearly going on. They're hitting us with a <expletive>. So we gotta hit them with a <expletive> first, you know? Who's got like a goat or a cow or some <expletive>? We gotta sacrifice something. Gods like that <expletive>, right?"
"It's over, Colin," Andrew Luck told his under-performing counter part. "It's pointless to spill any more blood. Let's finish this thing with our dignity in tact. This is a franchise with four fantasy titles. We will do the honorable thing and continue compete."
Luck was struck by lightening. The Fighting Mongooses play Hernandez Pixy Stix next week, a team they actually beat back in week one on Owen Daniels' heroics.
"Where's Owen?" Kaepernick asked. "Oh that's right, he's dead. He's <expletive> dead."
Mongooses Play Well, Still Lose: Fuck Fantasy Football
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/2918883.jpg)
Cedar Rapids, Iowa - Mike James scored a surprising 20.68 fantasy points and the Fighting Mongooses put up 147.10 as a team; they still lost. TFM fell to The Robot Unicorn 172.72-147.10 in a microcosm of the Mongooses' fantasy season.
"It's getting a bit ludicrous at this point," James said after the Buccaneers' loss to the Seahawks. "I mean, I truly tried my best. Jason (CampBell), Chris (Ivory), man... What else can you ask of backups like us. Even the Dallas defense didn't suck as much as they normally do. I'm starting to believe, man. We really are cursed.
James' indoor interview was cut short as he was struck my lightning.
There may something to this curse thing. After all, the Mongooses became the only team this weekend to give up at least 160 points twice this season. The team continues to lead the points against category with 1279.46, the only team to eclipse the 1200 point plateau.
The most telling statistic is evident in the standings. The Fighting Mongooses are 2-7 (last place) with 1079.94 points. The Canadian Tuxedos are 7-2 (first place) with 1039.06 points.
"You just blew my mind with that one, man," Blair Walsh said. He was rushed to the hospital.
"It's the story of our season," Andrew Luck said in Walsh's absence. "I know I'm supposed to say the right thing and be like 'we have to get better' or some <expletive> like that. But <expletive> it. We're fine. It's not our fault. We're gonna keep having good weeks and we're gonna keep losing. I think all of us have accepted that. We'll maybe not Scott (Chandler)."
Chandler committed suicide after the loss. He is questionable for next week.
Week 9 proved to be a perfect example of what will go down in fantasy football history as the "Fighting Mongooses Curse of 2013." The following statistics are courtesy Yahoo! Fantasy Sports:
"It's certainly a place we did not expect to be," Golden Tate said in Seattle. "Guess we just have to win out and hope 6-7 is good enough." Tate did not finish the interview as he was stabbed by a reporter.
The Fighting Mongooses play Eye of the Schilens next week, refusing to quit. They will fight. Prevailing is out of the question apparently.
"It's getting a bit ludicrous at this point," James said after the Buccaneers' loss to the Seahawks. "I mean, I truly tried my best. Jason (CampBell), Chris (Ivory), man... What else can you ask of backups like us. Even the Dallas defense didn't suck as much as they normally do. I'm starting to believe, man. We really are cursed.
James' indoor interview was cut short as he was struck my lightning.
There may something to this curse thing. After all, the Mongooses became the only team this weekend to give up at least 160 points twice this season. The team continues to lead the points against category with 1279.46, the only team to eclipse the 1200 point plateau.
The most telling statistic is evident in the standings. The Fighting Mongooses are 2-7 (last place) with 1079.94 points. The Canadian Tuxedos are 7-2 (first place) with 1039.06 points.
"You just blew my mind with that one, man," Blair Walsh said. He was rushed to the hospital.
"It's the story of our season," Andrew Luck said in Walsh's absence. "I know I'm supposed to say the right thing and be like 'we have to get better' or some <expletive> like that. But <expletive> it. We're fine. It's not our fault. We're gonna keep having good weeks and we're gonna keep losing. I think all of us have accepted that. We'll maybe not Scott (Chandler)."
Chandler committed suicide after the loss. He is questionable for next week.
Week 9 proved to be a perfect example of what will go down in fantasy football history as the "Fighting Mongooses Curse of 2013." The following statistics are courtesy Yahoo! Fantasy Sports:
- Nick Foles set the league season-high for total points in a week with 53.64.
- Had they played each other last week, The Robot Unicorn would have lost to Fighting Mongooses 129.48 - 96.84.
- Fighting Mongooses would be 5-3 if they played the same schedule as The Robot Unicorn.
- Three of the seven losses for Fighting Mongooses this season have come when their opponent had their highest-scoring week of the season.
- It was a tough loss for Fighting Mongooses, which put up the third-biggest score for a losing team in the league this season.
- Both teams topped their projections, but Fighting Mongooses performed better versus expectations than The Robot Unicorn and still lost.
"It's certainly a place we did not expect to be," Golden Tate said in Seattle. "Guess we just have to win out and hope 6-7 is good enough." Tate did not finish the interview as he was stabbed by a reporter.
The Fighting Mongooses play Eye of the Schilens next week, refusing to quit. They will fight. Prevailing is out of the question apparently.
Tate's Heroic Comeback Thwarted by Teammate's Suckiness
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/1127766.jpg)
Cedar Rapids, Iowa - Golden Tate nearly sparked an unfathomable Fighting Mongooses comeback, but the team simply sucks too much. The Mongooses fell to Media Contender 134.60 - 129.48 in week 8 to fall to 2-6 on the season.
Tate scored two touchdowns, including an 80 yard score with a taunting bonus, to put up a 25.30 fantasy point day Monday night, but alas, 'twas not enough.
"I just wanted to give everybody some false hope," Tate admitted after Seattle's 14-9 win over St. Louis. "I mean, come on, we all knew were gonna lose. It's written in the stars this year. So I just wanted to make it interesting just to <expletive> with everybody! Get it? It's funny! It's <expletive> funny!"
Tate started crying like a school girl and left the locker room.
The Mongooses actually started the week quite well, with Colin Kaepernick and the San Francisco defense combining for 39.96 points in London.
"I say, can we play those gents every week?" Kaepernick asked. "Those Jaguars are quite abysmal at this football game, all pish-posh, pish-posh. They were all like 'Bugger, this Colin character is quite good.'"
When reminded he's from California, Kaepernick revealed his new tattoo of him anally raping a jaguar.
With Kaepernick's fellow starting QB Andrew Luck on a bye week, Jason CampBell got the spot start in the QB2 spot and excelled quite well, scoring 21.42 fantasy points. But after Cleveland's loss to Kansas City, CampBell realized what it's like to be a Mongoose.
"Immediately after the game, I was pretty pleased," CampBell said. "You know, a 20 point day in the books, we have the early lead. But as the day unfolded and the Media Contender started media contending, all I could think about was that first touchdown. 39 yards. Just a yard more would have gotten that big play bonus. I'm new here. But Denarius (Moore) told me that's kind of a theme around here."
"That's kind of a theme around here," Denarius Moore said. "I had one of those a few weeks back. It's frustrating. <Expletive> like that just keeps happening. It ain't never gonna stop."
The efforts of CampBell, Kaepernick and Tate should have been enough to pick up the win. But Jacquizz Rodgers suffered from a jacquizz overdose and Mike James caught whatever disease Doug Martin retracted from the Tampa Bay locker room.
As the face of the franchise, Andrew Luck took it upon himself to defend his team. Luck called a press conference in the middle of an Iowa corn field on his bye week.
"I want to make one thing perfectly clear; we are not giving up on this season," Luck said. "Coach Stolar, Mr. Stolar and the Stolar family are doing everything in their power to put good players on that Yahoo! match-up screen. That is evident by the moves we've made. Vernon (Davis) is a great addition. Mike (James) will be a sufficient fill in until Doug (Martin) comes back. I know there are not many believers out there, but we are not done. We will do everything we can to run the table and make the playoffs."
Luck paused and added. "By the way, Mike Williams has quit the program. I do not comment on people that have quit the program, but he has quit the program."
An awkward silence was followed by awkward laughter. Williams is still listed on the Mongooses' roster, but he is expected to be dropped in the next couple of days.
The Fighting Mongooses play State of Makkakako in week nine with Kaepernick, Davis and the San Francisco defense on the bye week.
Tate scored two touchdowns, including an 80 yard score with a taunting bonus, to put up a 25.30 fantasy point day Monday night, but alas, 'twas not enough.
"I just wanted to give everybody some false hope," Tate admitted after Seattle's 14-9 win over St. Louis. "I mean, come on, we all knew were gonna lose. It's written in the stars this year. So I just wanted to make it interesting just to <expletive> with everybody! Get it? It's funny! It's <expletive> funny!"
Tate started crying like a school girl and left the locker room.
The Mongooses actually started the week quite well, with Colin Kaepernick and the San Francisco defense combining for 39.96 points in London.
"I say, can we play those gents every week?" Kaepernick asked. "Those Jaguars are quite abysmal at this football game, all pish-posh, pish-posh. They were all like 'Bugger, this Colin character is quite good.'"
When reminded he's from California, Kaepernick revealed his new tattoo of him anally raping a jaguar.
With Kaepernick's fellow starting QB Andrew Luck on a bye week, Jason CampBell got the spot start in the QB2 spot and excelled quite well, scoring 21.42 fantasy points. But after Cleveland's loss to Kansas City, CampBell realized what it's like to be a Mongoose.
"Immediately after the game, I was pretty pleased," CampBell said. "You know, a 20 point day in the books, we have the early lead. But as the day unfolded and the Media Contender started media contending, all I could think about was that first touchdown. 39 yards. Just a yard more would have gotten that big play bonus. I'm new here. But Denarius (Moore) told me that's kind of a theme around here."
"That's kind of a theme around here," Denarius Moore said. "I had one of those a few weeks back. It's frustrating. <Expletive> like that just keeps happening. It ain't never gonna stop."
The efforts of CampBell, Kaepernick and Tate should have been enough to pick up the win. But Jacquizz Rodgers suffered from a jacquizz overdose and Mike James caught whatever disease Doug Martin retracted from the Tampa Bay locker room.
As the face of the franchise, Andrew Luck took it upon himself to defend his team. Luck called a press conference in the middle of an Iowa corn field on his bye week.
"I want to make one thing perfectly clear; we are not giving up on this season," Luck said. "Coach Stolar, Mr. Stolar and the Stolar family are doing everything in their power to put good players on that Yahoo! match-up screen. That is evident by the moves we've made. Vernon (Davis) is a great addition. Mike (James) will be a sufficient fill in until Doug (Martin) comes back. I know there are not many believers out there, but we are not done. We will do everything we can to run the table and make the playoffs."
Luck paused and added. "By the way, Mike Williams has quit the program. I do not comment on people that have quit the program, but he has quit the program."
An awkward silence was followed by awkward laughter. Williams is still listed on the Mongooses' roster, but he is expected to be dropped in the next couple of days.
The Fighting Mongooses play State of Makkakako in week nine with Kaepernick, Davis and the San Francisco defense on the bye week.
Mongooses Lose 3rd Straight;
Fantasy Gods Continue to Laugh
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/5427002.jpg)
Rockford, Ill - Jacquizz Rodgers scored 18.20 fantasy points, Andrew Luck led the team with 30.02, and the Gods of fantasy football continued to laugh at the Fighting Mongooses (2-5) as the team fell to BlainesRealAmericans (5-2) 159.16-106.58. The loss in the third straight for the Fighting Mongooses, who continue to combine disappointing stars with stars aligning for misfortune.
"I Jacquizzed as much as I could, man," Rodgers said after Atlanta's win over Tampa Bay. "To tell you da troof, I Jacquizzed myself dry. Just so much. Just so <expletive> much Jacquizz. Everywhere. It felt good. Felt real good, man. Just disappointin my Jacquizz couldn't reach dem other guys. Dem other guys sucks. Like really suck."
Rodgers was correct. Trent Richardson and Doug Martin, both considered excellent fantasy running backs at the start of the season, continued to prove they are the most overrated "elite" fantasy running backs in football.
"We're about as worthless as a turd covered in Jacquizz's Jacquizz right now. I'll admit it," Richardson admitted. "Hot garbage, I tell you! I don't deserve to call myself a Mongoose. I suck! I <expletive> suck! And Doug, man? I think he's snapped."
"Potato Chips! Albuquerque! Snorkel!" Martin exclaimed oddly. "I'm an albatross! I'm an albatross! I'm flap, flap, flapping my albatross wings. Flap, flap, flapping my albatross wings!" Martin then ripped his arm out of its socket.
"We're a mess," Richardson said afterwards.
Martin wasn't the only crazed Mongooses after week 7.
"Who cares about our outcome anyway?" Patrick Willis asked loudly after San Francisco's win over Tennessee. "Jordan Reed? 19.40! Jarrett Boykin? 16.30! Who are these people? Doesn't anybody else notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!". Willis paused and continued. "We're a good fantasy team! A good team. Who did you have this week, BlainesRealAmericans? Nothing! You had nothing! And I'll be a monkey's uncle if more bad luck ruins this season for the Fighting Mongooses! DIE ADAM VINATIERI!"
Willis reached for a ninja star hidden in his jersey and ran out of the Mongooses locker room. No one ever saw him again.
The eccentric 49er's frustration is warranted. Once again, the Mongooses lead the league in the bad luck category with 972.24 points against. Perennial back ups continued to explode against TFM.
A.J. Green scored 25.50 fantasy points, his most since scoring 32.20 in week one, which was also against the Fighting Mongooses. This confused Mike Williams.
"We prepared all week for Hernandez Pixy Stix. Tough not to get the win," Williams said.
The Fighting Mongooses are in terrible shape heading into week 8. Needing to find fill ins for Luck, Richardson and Martin, the Mongooses are still in a must-win scenario against Media Contender. But the if there's one thing this team is known for, it's never giving up.
Colin Kaepernick was straight-faced and pointed to a tatoo on his buttock of him giving a thumbs up while defecating on AJ Donatoni IV. He did not say a word.
"I Jacquizzed as much as I could, man," Rodgers said after Atlanta's win over Tampa Bay. "To tell you da troof, I Jacquizzed myself dry. Just so much. Just so <expletive> much Jacquizz. Everywhere. It felt good. Felt real good, man. Just disappointin my Jacquizz couldn't reach dem other guys. Dem other guys sucks. Like really suck."
Rodgers was correct. Trent Richardson and Doug Martin, both considered excellent fantasy running backs at the start of the season, continued to prove they are the most overrated "elite" fantasy running backs in football.
"We're about as worthless as a turd covered in Jacquizz's Jacquizz right now. I'll admit it," Richardson admitted. "Hot garbage, I tell you! I don't deserve to call myself a Mongoose. I suck! I <expletive> suck! And Doug, man? I think he's snapped."
"Potato Chips! Albuquerque! Snorkel!" Martin exclaimed oddly. "I'm an albatross! I'm an albatross! I'm flap, flap, flapping my albatross wings. Flap, flap, flapping my albatross wings!" Martin then ripped his arm out of its socket.
"We're a mess," Richardson said afterwards.
Martin wasn't the only crazed Mongooses after week 7.
"Who cares about our outcome anyway?" Patrick Willis asked loudly after San Francisco's win over Tennessee. "Jordan Reed? 19.40! Jarrett Boykin? 16.30! Who are these people? Doesn't anybody else notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!". Willis paused and continued. "We're a good fantasy team! A good team. Who did you have this week, BlainesRealAmericans? Nothing! You had nothing! And I'll be a monkey's uncle if more bad luck ruins this season for the Fighting Mongooses! DIE ADAM VINATIERI!"
Willis reached for a ninja star hidden in his jersey and ran out of the Mongooses locker room. No one ever saw him again.
The eccentric 49er's frustration is warranted. Once again, the Mongooses lead the league in the bad luck category with 972.24 points against. Perennial back ups continued to explode against TFM.
A.J. Green scored 25.50 fantasy points, his most since scoring 32.20 in week one, which was also against the Fighting Mongooses. This confused Mike Williams.
"We prepared all week for Hernandez Pixy Stix. Tough not to get the win," Williams said.
The Fighting Mongooses are in terrible shape heading into week 8. Needing to find fill ins for Luck, Richardson and Martin, the Mongooses are still in a must-win scenario against Media Contender. But the if there's one thing this team is known for, it's never giving up.
Colin Kaepernick was straight-faced and pointed to a tatoo on his buttock of him giving a thumbs up while defecating on AJ Donatoni IV. He did not say a word.
Well, Crap
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/4818084.jpg)
Cedar Rapids, Iowa - Andrew Luck scored a season low 898 fantasy points and the Fighting Mongooses (2-4) fell to I Just Had Rex 118.30-91.46. The loss is the second straight for a team that managed just three total touchdowns. The Mongooses are digging a hole they will have to fight to get out of and it's starting to take it's toll on the players.
"Look, there's no such thing as hope," Luck told a group of children dying of cancer at a Fighting Mongooses charity event after Week 6. "I mean, why even try? Nobody's gonna help you. Might as well just accept the fact that the world chose you to pick on."
When a little girl reminded him of the team slogan, Luck raised his middle finger.
The frustration is clear. In addition to the Mongooses failing to reach their projected total again, seemingly every week this season, the Mongooses endured a well above average point total from an opponent. In week six, it happened twice with Cam Newton (33.64) and Vincent Jackson (23.40) scoring by far the most points they've scored all season.
"Those <expletives>, man," Doug Martin said after the Buccaneers' loss to the Eagles. "When it rains, it pours, right? Well it's raining <expletive> cobras right now, man. We have a good team on paper. But everyone is underperforming and it's contagious. We had three touchdowns this week? Three? Just unacceptable. We're the <expletive> sophomore slumps."
It was two third year players that actually kept a slimmer of hope alive in week 6. San Francisco quarterback Colin Kaepernick performed well for the first time since week 1 and after forcing his way into the line-up after wasting three solid weeks of touchdowns on the bench, DeNarius Moore delivered in the flex.
"<Expletive> it!," Kapernick said after leading the team with 20.88 fantasy points. "I finally got over my touchdown disease and everyone else caught it! <Expletive>! <Expletive>!"
"As my friend Colin so eloquently said, it is quite frustrating," Moore told reporters after Oakland's loss to Kansas City. "Even when things are going well for us, you can just feel something will go wrong, and that's a tough feeling to endure. For example, my good man, my touchdown in Kansas City went for 39 yards. We were certainly not complaining at the time, but missing that big play bonus by just a yard, you just tell we would need those extra points. But that's the story of our season."
The Fighting Mongooses will hope to rewrite that story by upsetting BlainesRealAmericans in week 7. This is the first time all season the Mongooses will be the projected underdog. But a change of perspective could be just what this team needs, and motivation won't be an issue.
"That's the team that had seven quarterbacks, right?," Moore asked when asked about BlainesRealAmericans. "<Expletive> that guy. We'll be ready."
Moore has a bye this week, but added he'd be fighting in spirit.
"Look, there's no such thing as hope," Luck told a group of children dying of cancer at a Fighting Mongooses charity event after Week 6. "I mean, why even try? Nobody's gonna help you. Might as well just accept the fact that the world chose you to pick on."
When a little girl reminded him of the team slogan, Luck raised his middle finger.
The frustration is clear. In addition to the Mongooses failing to reach their projected total again, seemingly every week this season, the Mongooses endured a well above average point total from an opponent. In week six, it happened twice with Cam Newton (33.64) and Vincent Jackson (23.40) scoring by far the most points they've scored all season.
"Those <expletives>, man," Doug Martin said after the Buccaneers' loss to the Eagles. "When it rains, it pours, right? Well it's raining <expletive> cobras right now, man. We have a good team on paper. But everyone is underperforming and it's contagious. We had three touchdowns this week? Three? Just unacceptable. We're the <expletive> sophomore slumps."
It was two third year players that actually kept a slimmer of hope alive in week 6. San Francisco quarterback Colin Kaepernick performed well for the first time since week 1 and after forcing his way into the line-up after wasting three solid weeks of touchdowns on the bench, DeNarius Moore delivered in the flex.
"<Expletive> it!," Kapernick said after leading the team with 20.88 fantasy points. "I finally got over my touchdown disease and everyone else caught it! <Expletive>! <Expletive>!"
"As my friend Colin so eloquently said, it is quite frustrating," Moore told reporters after Oakland's loss to Kansas City. "Even when things are going well for us, you can just feel something will go wrong, and that's a tough feeling to endure. For example, my good man, my touchdown in Kansas City went for 39 yards. We were certainly not complaining at the time, but missing that big play bonus by just a yard, you just tell we would need those extra points. But that's the story of our season."
The Fighting Mongooses will hope to rewrite that story by upsetting BlainesRealAmericans in week 7. This is the first time all season the Mongooses will be the projected underdog. But a change of perspective could be just what this team needs, and motivation won't be an issue.
"That's the team that had seven quarterbacks, right?," Moore asked when asked about BlainesRealAmericans. "<Expletive> that guy. We'll be ready."
Moore has a bye this week, but added he'd be fighting in spirit.
The Fighting Mongooses Did Not Fight, Did Not Prevail
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/1969529.jpg)
Cedar Rapids, Iowa - Andrew Luck put up 22.06 fantasy points, but on a weekend filled with bye weeks, the Fighting Mongooses failed to pull off the upset against Scott Grodsky 133.72-113.98. Doug Martin, Mike Williams and Pierre Garcon had to sit and watch their beloved Mongooses once again underachieve.
"I can do better," Luck said after the Colts' victory of the Seahawks. "It's not good enough. On day like this where I'm not getting the support, I need to carry the team. I failed and I take the responsibility. I'm gonna put up Tony Romo numbers from now on. Period."
Filling in for starters, Chris Givens and LeGarrette Blount combined for just 4.70 points.
"<Expletive>!" Blount exclaimed after the Patriots' 13-6 loss to the Bengals. "<Expletive>!" he continued, punching any reporter in the face any time he was asked a question.
Speaking of struggles, Colin Kaepernick continued his horrible fantasy season with his fourth consecutive sub-par outing, piling just 13.92 fantasy points. Kaepernick has failed to match his projected total four out of five games this season. After the 49ers' 34-3 beat down of the Texans, he revealed why.
"I decided to just stop trying," Kaeprnick said. "Yeah, <Expletive> it! I just don't care about running or scoring anymore. I'm just going to <expletive> hand the ball off to Frank <expletive> Gore every play. I'm allergic to the endzone. That's it. That must be it. But just for the <expletive> of it, check out my sweet new tat of me taking a <expletive> on Scott Grodsky."
The only fill-ins with good games were Golden Tate (12.10) and Jacquizz Rodgers (17.80).
"I relish in the opportunity to Jacquizz on Scott Grodsky," Rodgers said. "Once you get Jacquizzed, man. You never the same. I just gotta reach down and Jacquizz even more next time. <Expletive>'s gonna get messy. Real messy."
As the Mongooses struggled, their opponent did not. TFM continue to lead the league in points against, now with 694.78. Alshon Jeffery led the league in receiving with a 27.80 fantasy showing this week. Ray Rice, CJ Spiller and Torrey Smith all reached double digits as well, with Rice and Spiller saving their first good games for the Mongooses.
"It doesn't matter who we play. Everybody just seems to play well against us," Patrick Willis said. "I mean, Alshon Jeffery? Really? I mean, really? Give me a <expletive> break. C.J. (Spiller) hasn't scored all season and he decides to break a long one now? Asshole... I mean, <expletive>! Are we cursed?"
Perhaps. Cursed or not, the Mongooses have proven to be boom or bust team all season. They will look to boom next week against I Just Had Rex.
"I can do better," Luck said after the Colts' victory of the Seahawks. "It's not good enough. On day like this where I'm not getting the support, I need to carry the team. I failed and I take the responsibility. I'm gonna put up Tony Romo numbers from now on. Period."
Filling in for starters, Chris Givens and LeGarrette Blount combined for just 4.70 points.
"<Expletive>!" Blount exclaimed after the Patriots' 13-6 loss to the Bengals. "<Expletive>!" he continued, punching any reporter in the face any time he was asked a question.
Speaking of struggles, Colin Kaepernick continued his horrible fantasy season with his fourth consecutive sub-par outing, piling just 13.92 fantasy points. Kaepernick has failed to match his projected total four out of five games this season. After the 49ers' 34-3 beat down of the Texans, he revealed why.
"I decided to just stop trying," Kaeprnick said. "Yeah, <Expletive> it! I just don't care about running or scoring anymore. I'm just going to <expletive> hand the ball off to Frank <expletive> Gore every play. I'm allergic to the endzone. That's it. That must be it. But just for the <expletive> of it, check out my sweet new tat of me taking a <expletive> on Scott Grodsky."
The only fill-ins with good games were Golden Tate (12.10) and Jacquizz Rodgers (17.80).
"I relish in the opportunity to Jacquizz on Scott Grodsky," Rodgers said. "Once you get Jacquizzed, man. You never the same. I just gotta reach down and Jacquizz even more next time. <Expletive>'s gonna get messy. Real messy."
As the Mongooses struggled, their opponent did not. TFM continue to lead the league in points against, now with 694.78. Alshon Jeffery led the league in receiving with a 27.80 fantasy showing this week. Ray Rice, CJ Spiller and Torrey Smith all reached double digits as well, with Rice and Spiller saving their first good games for the Mongooses.
"It doesn't matter who we play. Everybody just seems to play well against us," Patrick Willis said. "I mean, Alshon Jeffery? Really? I mean, really? Give me a <expletive> break. C.J. (Spiller) hasn't scored all season and he decides to break a long one now? Asshole... I mean, <expletive>! Are we cursed?"
Perhaps. Cursed or not, the Mongooses have proven to be boom or bust team all season. They will look to boom next week against I Just Had Rex.
Mongooses Roll on Inspirational Weekend
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/8506767.jpg)
Cedar Rapids, Iowa - As the Fighting Mongooses baseball squad shocked the fantasy world with the club's 4th fantasy sports title, the football team recorded a much-needed win over Lonnie Chisenhall 139.48-114.02.
"We were inspired," Victor Cruz said after leading the team with 26.40 fantasy points in the Giants' 31-7 loss to Kansas City. "We knew those guys were fighting their butts off and that really got us going. There is a long tradition of excellence here and it's time we <expletive> show it on the field."
With the win, the Mongooses move to 2-2 on the season.
"That's a hell of a lot better than 1-3," Andrew Luck said after the Colts' 37-3 win over Jacksonville. "After last week's pathetic showing, we had something to prove. I don't wanna go without lunch again. I'm hustling out here!"
The Mongooses now sit in 7th place--one spot back of the final playoff spot--but deserved a better fate. Through four weeks, the Mongooses lead the league in points against (561.06).
"It's what I like to call the 'God hates us' category," Trent Richardson said. "We should be 3-1. I mean, 157 points from Hernandez? 174 for Kooper? That ain't right. We keep gettin' everybody's best shot. I mean, I get it. We're the Fighting Mongooses. The <expletive> Fighting Mongooses. Of course the target's on our back. It was just nice this week to get one over Lonnie."
It's a win Colin Kaepernick made sure he'd never forget.
"Finally, I was able to get another tat, bitches," Kaepernick said following the weekend. "It's me takin' a <expletive> on Lonnie Chisenhall. It's a metaphor for me taking a <expletive> on Lonnie Chisenhall. I don't even know who Lonnie Chisenhall is. But I'm <expletive> all over that <expletive>!"
When asked about his third straight sub-par performance, Kaepernick took the mic, dropped his pants and defecated on it. He didn't say a word.
The Fighting Mongooses will look for their first winning streak of the season next week against Scott Grodsky. A win will not be easy as four starters will be on their bye week. Wide receivers Pierre Garcon and Mike Williams, along with running back Doug Martin and kicker Blair Walsh will all miss the game. DeNarius Moore, Golden Tate, Chris Givens and Jacquizz Rodgers are all scheduled to start.
"I'm gonna Jacquizz all over Scott Grodsky," Rodgers said. "And it's gonna feel so good."
Rodgers pantomimed as if he was mastrabating and then ejaculating into the sky.
"Yes sir!" he exclaimed and walked away.
"We were inspired," Victor Cruz said after leading the team with 26.40 fantasy points in the Giants' 31-7 loss to Kansas City. "We knew those guys were fighting their butts off and that really got us going. There is a long tradition of excellence here and it's time we <expletive> show it on the field."
With the win, the Mongooses move to 2-2 on the season.
"That's a hell of a lot better than 1-3," Andrew Luck said after the Colts' 37-3 win over Jacksonville. "After last week's pathetic showing, we had something to prove. I don't wanna go without lunch again. I'm hustling out here!"
The Mongooses now sit in 7th place--one spot back of the final playoff spot--but deserved a better fate. Through four weeks, the Mongooses lead the league in points against (561.06).
"It's what I like to call the 'God hates us' category," Trent Richardson said. "We should be 3-1. I mean, 157 points from Hernandez? 174 for Kooper? That ain't right. We keep gettin' everybody's best shot. I mean, I get it. We're the Fighting Mongooses. The <expletive> Fighting Mongooses. Of course the target's on our back. It was just nice this week to get one over Lonnie."
It's a win Colin Kaepernick made sure he'd never forget.
"Finally, I was able to get another tat, bitches," Kaepernick said following the weekend. "It's me takin' a <expletive> on Lonnie Chisenhall. It's a metaphor for me taking a <expletive> on Lonnie Chisenhall. I don't even know who Lonnie Chisenhall is. But I'm <expletive> all over that <expletive>!"
When asked about his third straight sub-par performance, Kaepernick took the mic, dropped his pants and defecated on it. He didn't say a word.
The Fighting Mongooses will look for their first winning streak of the season next week against Scott Grodsky. A win will not be easy as four starters will be on their bye week. Wide receivers Pierre Garcon and Mike Williams, along with running back Doug Martin and kicker Blair Walsh will all miss the game. DeNarius Moore, Golden Tate, Chris Givens and Jacquizz Rodgers are all scheduled to start.
"I'm gonna Jacquizz all over Scott Grodsky," Rodgers said. "And it's gonna feel so good."
Rodgers pantomimed as if he was mastrabating and then ejaculating into the sky.
"Yes sir!" he exclaimed and walked away.
Twice as Nice:
Fighting Mongooses take 2nd Roid Rage Title in 3 Years
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/438044.jpg?296)
Cedar Rapids, Iowa - If there is one truth in this world, it is thus: never count out the Fighting Mongooses. TFM provided more proof Sunday, coming back from a 20 point deficit to take the 2013 Roid Rage Comeback Tour title, the club's second in three years.
"We never gave in, man," Chris Davis told reporters drenched in champagne. "I just kept telling the guys, 'just keep fighting. Just keep fighting. We're Mongooses. That's what we do.' And we did it. I'm so proud of everybody. Especially me to be honest. I carried the ship."
He did. Davis led the American League in both Home Runs (53) and Runs Batted In (138).
But even Davis' strong season didn't appear to be enough for the Mongooses. Left dead in the water, 20 points back of the lead in July, the Fighting Mongooses clawed their way back into contention. The club overtook first place for the first time all season on September 13, but fell back into second place the following day. The Mongooses didn't break through again until the final day, passing Trevor Bauer Pauer by a single point.
"Let's be real, I thought it was some Friday the 13th <expletive>," Eric Young Jr. said referring to the club's first day on top. "We worked so hard to get where we were that day, and then we were right back in second. But we just kept fighting, kept running. I was like <expletive> Willie Mays Hayes out there, man!"
Young Jr. was one of many mid-season pick ups that made a big difference. He finished with a National League leading 46 steals and helped the Mongooses get out of the basement in that category to finish in 7th. Young Jr. accounted for five points himself.
The Mongooses finished on top of four categories (RBI's, Wins, ERA and Strike Outs) and in second place in three more (Runs, Home Runs and WHIP). The team finished just two RBI's ahead of Trevor Bauer Pauer.
"I'm so <expletive> happy!" Felix Hernandez exclaimed. "I am the the King! The diamond is my domain! I rule in the name of the Fighting Mongooses. The Fighting <expletive> Mongooses, baby! Two titles, bitches!"
Thanks to a pitching staff highlighted by King Felix and Yu Darvish and young, up-and-coming stars like Julio Teheran Jose Fernandez, the Mongooses were in the top four in every pitching category.
After clinching the title, Yu wanted to thank the fans.
"Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto," Yu said.
The Fighting Mongooses are now a four-time fantasy championship franchise. In addition to the baseball titles, the Mongooses won the Brewster 11 Fantasy Football Title in 2006 and the CitrusTV March Madness Bracket Title in 2010. The organization is still waiting to break through with a football title since joining the Syracuse league in 2011.
"We never gave in, man," Chris Davis told reporters drenched in champagne. "I just kept telling the guys, 'just keep fighting. Just keep fighting. We're Mongooses. That's what we do.' And we did it. I'm so proud of everybody. Especially me to be honest. I carried the ship."
He did. Davis led the American League in both Home Runs (53) and Runs Batted In (138).
But even Davis' strong season didn't appear to be enough for the Mongooses. Left dead in the water, 20 points back of the lead in July, the Fighting Mongooses clawed their way back into contention. The club overtook first place for the first time all season on September 13, but fell back into second place the following day. The Mongooses didn't break through again until the final day, passing Trevor Bauer Pauer by a single point.
"Let's be real, I thought it was some Friday the 13th <expletive>," Eric Young Jr. said referring to the club's first day on top. "We worked so hard to get where we were that day, and then we were right back in second. But we just kept fighting, kept running. I was like <expletive> Willie Mays Hayes out there, man!"
Young Jr. was one of many mid-season pick ups that made a big difference. He finished with a National League leading 46 steals and helped the Mongooses get out of the basement in that category to finish in 7th. Young Jr. accounted for five points himself.
The Mongooses finished on top of four categories (RBI's, Wins, ERA and Strike Outs) and in second place in three more (Runs, Home Runs and WHIP). The team finished just two RBI's ahead of Trevor Bauer Pauer.
"I'm so <expletive> happy!" Felix Hernandez exclaimed. "I am the the King! The diamond is my domain! I rule in the name of the Fighting Mongooses. The Fighting <expletive> Mongooses, baby! Two titles, bitches!"
Thanks to a pitching staff highlighted by King Felix and Yu Darvish and young, up-and-coming stars like Julio Teheran Jose Fernandez, the Mongooses were in the top four in every pitching category.
After clinching the title, Yu wanted to thank the fans.
"Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto," Yu said.
The Fighting Mongooses are now a four-time fantasy championship franchise. In addition to the baseball titles, the Mongooses won the Brewster 11 Fantasy Football Title in 2006 and the CitrusTV March Madness Bracket Title in 2010. The organization is still waiting to break through with a football title since joining the Syracuse league in 2011.
No Fight Tonight:
Mongooses Left Searching for Answers
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/4956102.jpg)
Cedar Rapids, Iowa - The Fighting Mongooses scored a grand total of two touchdowns in Week three of the Syracuse fantasy football season and were never competitive in a 115.72 - 77.26 loss to Canadian Tuxedos.
Both scores came courtesy of Indianapolis Colts, Andrew Luck and newly acquired running back Trent Richardson. But luck was not with the Mongooses tonight.
"To be honest, I don't have an answer for you," Luck said when asked why his fantasy squad looked so inept this week. "It's not like we don't have the talent. We were a bit locked going up against the San Francisco defense. But that's not an excuse. Colin [Kaepernick] couldn't get anything going and he told me he's really upset about it."
"I'm really upset about it," Kaepernick said. "I wanted to get a bad <expletive> tattoo of me taking a shit on a tuxedo in Canada. But I guess I can't now. Thankfully I get the Rams next week. They suck balls."
The Ram truly sucked balls against the Cowboys Sunday, losing 31-7. In his Fighting Mongooses debut, Chris Givens was invisible, recording just three fantasy points.
"I thought this was a great opportunity," Givens said. "Coming off that great game last week, I was licking my chops about going up against a terrible Dallas secondary. But they just hit us in the mouth and we couldn't recover. I think it's pretty safe to say the Cowboys are the greatest franchise of all time. Period."
Givens wasn't the only wide out to disappoint this week. Victor Cruz recorded just 2.50 points in the Giants' 38-0 loss to Carolina. Cruz met the media after the game, but didn't say a word. He just stared at reporters with the look pictured above. He was seen later that night beating Eli Manning in a back alley with a two-by-four.
The only two receivers who had a good weeks were DeNarius Moore and Golden Tate, who wasted 22.40 and 11.70 fantasy performances respectively on the bench. Starting both receivers still would not have lifted TFM.
Despite the disappointing performance, the Mongooses did show promise. In his Mongooses debut, Jacquizz Rodgers scored 9.30 fantasy points.
"Man, Jacquizz is the Ja-man," Rodgers said after the Falcons' 27-23 loss to Miami. "I's been tellin' yous guys that forevers, dog. Been waitin' for my chance and I gots it. If I get another opportunity, look out, dog, cuz I'm gonna Jacquizz all over this league."
The Fighting Mongooses will look to bounce back next week against Lonnie Chisenhall and motivation will be there.
"We're better than this, and we know that, " Doug Martin said after Tampa Bay's 23-3 loss to New England. "But just to make sure, we're made a few changes here at the Fighting Mongooses practice facility. We got rid of the blob and the go-carts and I'm told they've canceled lunch due to lack of hustle or something... and this morning, Mohamed [Sanu] disappeared. All we were told was 'his bed is now available.'"
Both scores came courtesy of Indianapolis Colts, Andrew Luck and newly acquired running back Trent Richardson. But luck was not with the Mongooses tonight.
"To be honest, I don't have an answer for you," Luck said when asked why his fantasy squad looked so inept this week. "It's not like we don't have the talent. We were a bit locked going up against the San Francisco defense. But that's not an excuse. Colin [Kaepernick] couldn't get anything going and he told me he's really upset about it."
"I'm really upset about it," Kaepernick said. "I wanted to get a bad <expletive> tattoo of me taking a shit on a tuxedo in Canada. But I guess I can't now. Thankfully I get the Rams next week. They suck balls."
The Ram truly sucked balls against the Cowboys Sunday, losing 31-7. In his Fighting Mongooses debut, Chris Givens was invisible, recording just three fantasy points.
"I thought this was a great opportunity," Givens said. "Coming off that great game last week, I was licking my chops about going up against a terrible Dallas secondary. But they just hit us in the mouth and we couldn't recover. I think it's pretty safe to say the Cowboys are the greatest franchise of all time. Period."
Givens wasn't the only wide out to disappoint this week. Victor Cruz recorded just 2.50 points in the Giants' 38-0 loss to Carolina. Cruz met the media after the game, but didn't say a word. He just stared at reporters with the look pictured above. He was seen later that night beating Eli Manning in a back alley with a two-by-four.
The only two receivers who had a good weeks were DeNarius Moore and Golden Tate, who wasted 22.40 and 11.70 fantasy performances respectively on the bench. Starting both receivers still would not have lifted TFM.
Despite the disappointing performance, the Mongooses did show promise. In his Mongooses debut, Jacquizz Rodgers scored 9.30 fantasy points.
"Man, Jacquizz is the Ja-man," Rodgers said after the Falcons' 27-23 loss to Miami. "I's been tellin' yous guys that forevers, dog. Been waitin' for my chance and I gots it. If I get another opportunity, look out, dog, cuz I'm gonna Jacquizz all over this league."
The Fighting Mongooses will look to bounce back next week against Lonnie Chisenhall and motivation will be there.
"We're better than this, and we know that, " Doug Martin said after Tampa Bay's 23-3 loss to New England. "But just to make sure, we're made a few changes here at the Fighting Mongooses practice facility. We got rid of the blob and the go-carts and I'm told they've canceled lunch due to lack of hustle or something... and this morning, Mohamed [Sanu] disappeared. All we were told was 'his bed is now available.'"
Fighting Mongooses Lynched By Klansmen
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Cedar Rapids, Iowa - The Fighting Mongooses fell to 1-1 on the young fantasy football season after a 174.28-117.02 loss to Riley KKKooper (1-1). The totals are accurate.
"Well, <expletive>," Colin Kaepernick said after an abysmal 8.78 fantasy performance in San Francisco's 29-3 loss to Seattle. "I wanted to get a sick tat of me taking a <expletive> on Riley Kooper. But I guess I can't now. I should get a tat of me killing myself. I should after the way I played. <Expletive>! <Expletive>! <Expletive>!"
Kaepernick was not the only disappointment for the Fighting Mongooses, who for the second straight week saw an opponent put up gaudy fantasy numbers. Unlike last week, the Mongooses could not complete a comeback, thanks in large part to Mike Williams and Golden Tate, who combined for 2.80 points.
"Well, guess I'm right back out of the lineup," Tate said. He would be correct.
Williams didn't seem to care as much.
"Wait... What?," Williams asked reporters in a daze. "I though we... I thought we won.... Oh, <expletive>! I gotta be honest, yo... I ain't been payin too much attention. Any body else hungry? Why am I so damn hungry? They got Wings down here?"
Lost in the disappointment of wide receiver play was the play of Pierre Garcon. Rock Boy recorded 143 yards and a touchdown in the Redskins' 38-20 loss to the Packers, good enough for 20.30 fantasy points, a much stronger outing than week one.
"Je suis très heureux de ma performance," Garcon said. "C'est un signe des choses à venir. Je commence à être à l'aise là à jouer pour le Fighting Mongooses. Il s'agit de points. Il n'y aura plus de points la semaine prochaine. Croyez-moi."
Doug Martin was unsure, but assumed he agreed.
"I don't speak French, but I gotta stand by my boy, Rock," Martin said after a 14.40 fantasy point performance in Tampa Bay's 16-14 loss to New Orleans. "I think he said something about me being awesome. That's true. I'm the greatest. So is this team, though. We'll be back, Mongooses never quit, right?"
"1-1 wasn't our goal. We aim to win every week we take those fields," Andrew Luck said after recording 19.64 fantasy points. "But that's the reality. We got hit in the mouth with a ridiculous week. We gotta rebound with one of our own. I'd hate to be playing us next week, let's just say that."
The Fighting Mongooses will play Canadian Tuxedos in Week three. Good luck.
"Well, <expletive>," Colin Kaepernick said after an abysmal 8.78 fantasy performance in San Francisco's 29-3 loss to Seattle. "I wanted to get a sick tat of me taking a <expletive> on Riley Kooper. But I guess I can't now. I should get a tat of me killing myself. I should after the way I played. <Expletive>! <Expletive>! <Expletive>!"
Kaepernick was not the only disappointment for the Fighting Mongooses, who for the second straight week saw an opponent put up gaudy fantasy numbers. Unlike last week, the Mongooses could not complete a comeback, thanks in large part to Mike Williams and Golden Tate, who combined for 2.80 points.
"Well, guess I'm right back out of the lineup," Tate said. He would be correct.
Williams didn't seem to care as much.
"Wait... What?," Williams asked reporters in a daze. "I though we... I thought we won.... Oh, <expletive>! I gotta be honest, yo... I ain't been payin too much attention. Any body else hungry? Why am I so damn hungry? They got Wings down here?"
Lost in the disappointment of wide receiver play was the play of Pierre Garcon. Rock Boy recorded 143 yards and a touchdown in the Redskins' 38-20 loss to the Packers, good enough for 20.30 fantasy points, a much stronger outing than week one.
"Je suis très heureux de ma performance," Garcon said. "C'est un signe des choses à venir. Je commence à être à l'aise là à jouer pour le Fighting Mongooses. Il s'agit de points. Il n'y aura plus de points la semaine prochaine. Croyez-moi."
Doug Martin was unsure, but assumed he agreed.
"I don't speak French, but I gotta stand by my boy, Rock," Martin said after a 14.40 fantasy point performance in Tampa Bay's 16-14 loss to New Orleans. "I think he said something about me being awesome. That's true. I'm the greatest. So is this team, though. We'll be back, Mongooses never quit, right?"
"1-1 wasn't our goal. We aim to win every week we take those fields," Andrew Luck said after recording 19.64 fantasy points. "But that's the reality. We got hit in the mouth with a ridiculous week. We gotta rebound with one of our own. I'd hate to be playing us next week, let's just say that."
The Fighting Mongooses will play Canadian Tuxedos in Week three. Good luck.
Yes, Call it a Comeback:
Mongooses Never Quit Against Hernandez Pixy Stix
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Cedar Rapids, Iowa - The Fighting Mongooses returned on their charter to Cedar Rapids chanting, "Mongooses never quit! Mongooses will fight! Mongooses will prevail!"
The team demonstrated their team motto to perfection in week one of the 2013 Syracuse fantasy football season, erasing a 17.84 point deficit entering Monday Night Football to defeat Hernandez Pixy Stix 157.90-157.04. Despite an already monster week, the Mongooses needed an stretch, 17.85 fantasy point performance from TE Owen Daniels in the week's final game. They got 18.70.
"I knew what was at stake," Owens said. "I told Matt (Schaub) before the game, your job is to get me the ball. If I didn't get the 17.85, I would murder his first born son. I was kidding, of course, but I think he really believed me. It was getting close there for a minute. Even after that second touchdown, I was only at 17.55. But that one catch on the final drive put me over. It was a magical night"
The Mongooses won despite unrealistic totals from Hernandez Pixy Stix: 35.80 fantasy points from Eli Manning, 32.20 from A.J. Green, and 24.10 from Jared Cook (who is now apparently with the Rams).
"We knew we had a great team and we we're having a great week," Andrew Luck said. "To look on my phone during the Colts game seeing we were down, I just couldn't believe it and as the weekend went on, I was just pissed off. 35 from the bad Manning. You can expect it from Green, but Jared Cook? Jared <expletive> Cook? So glad we came back."
Manning's big game was equalized by Victor Cruz, who scored three touchdowns, one from 40+ for the Mongooses.
"Evert time Manning threw to somebody else, I kicked him in the nuts," Cruz said. "It's kind of funny, actually. He's a real pussy. Good for me. Won't be going up against his most weeks."
Colin Kaepernick, who put up 30.68 fantasy points, said he wanted to make sure he'd never forget this comeback.
"Check out my new tattoo," Kaepernick told and showed reporters. "It's a Mongoose taking a <expletive> on Aaron Hernandez. It's a metaphor for greatness. My tattoos are very personal to me. Now whenever I doubt myself, I can look at this."
After a 159.90 point debut, none of the Mongooses will doubt themselves again. Except Mark Ingram, who apparently sucks.
"I'm embarrassed," Ingram said. "All these unbelievable performances an I put up 1.10? I will avenge that pathetic excuse for a performance. Oh, yes, I will."
A confident group of Mongooses return to the fantasy football field in week 2 against Riley KKKooper.
"We're so hot right now, not even a rabid snake could stop us. Bring 'em on," said Blair Walsh.
The team demonstrated their team motto to perfection in week one of the 2013 Syracuse fantasy football season, erasing a 17.84 point deficit entering Monday Night Football to defeat Hernandez Pixy Stix 157.90-157.04. Despite an already monster week, the Mongooses needed an stretch, 17.85 fantasy point performance from TE Owen Daniels in the week's final game. They got 18.70.
"I knew what was at stake," Owens said. "I told Matt (Schaub) before the game, your job is to get me the ball. If I didn't get the 17.85, I would murder his first born son. I was kidding, of course, but I think he really believed me. It was getting close there for a minute. Even after that second touchdown, I was only at 17.55. But that one catch on the final drive put me over. It was a magical night"
The Mongooses won despite unrealistic totals from Hernandez Pixy Stix: 35.80 fantasy points from Eli Manning, 32.20 from A.J. Green, and 24.10 from Jared Cook (who is now apparently with the Rams).
"We knew we had a great team and we we're having a great week," Andrew Luck said. "To look on my phone during the Colts game seeing we were down, I just couldn't believe it and as the weekend went on, I was just pissed off. 35 from the bad Manning. You can expect it from Green, but Jared Cook? Jared <expletive> Cook? So glad we came back."
Manning's big game was equalized by Victor Cruz, who scored three touchdowns, one from 40+ for the Mongooses.
"Evert time Manning threw to somebody else, I kicked him in the nuts," Cruz said. "It's kind of funny, actually. He's a real pussy. Good for me. Won't be going up against his most weeks."
Colin Kaepernick, who put up 30.68 fantasy points, said he wanted to make sure he'd never forget this comeback.
"Check out my new tattoo," Kaepernick told and showed reporters. "It's a Mongoose taking a <expletive> on Aaron Hernandez. It's a metaphor for greatness. My tattoos are very personal to me. Now whenever I doubt myself, I can look at this."
After a 159.90 point debut, none of the Mongooses will doubt themselves again. Except Mark Ingram, who apparently sucks.
"I'm embarrassed," Ingram said. "All these unbelievable performances an I put up 1.10? I will avenge that pathetic excuse for a performance. Oh, yes, I will."
A confident group of Mongooses return to the fantasy football field in week 2 against Riley KKKooper.
"We're so hot right now, not even a rabid snake could stop us. Bring 'em on," said Blair Walsh.
Fighting Mongooses Ready for 2013
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Cedar Rapids, Iowa - The Fighting Mongooses are excited to announce the opening day roster for the 2013 Syracuse fantasy football season. The Mongooses return two players from last year's supremely disappointing team, quarterback Andrew Luck and running back Doug Martin, frequently referred to as "the next Ray Rice." Luck is prime to be face of the franchise this season.
"This is my team now," Luck said to reporters in middle of a corn field in Iowa. "This franchise is synonymous with greatness. Period. The Michael Vick days are over. Thank God. It's time for me to take a leadership role with these guys and make sure the fantasy title returns where it belongs: wherever the hell the Mongooses reside. The losing stops now."
Martin echoed Luck's passion.
"Man, this is what it's all about," Martin said after the draft. "I mean, it's such a relieving feeling knowing that I was going back to the greatest fantasy franchise of all time.... of all time, man. But then to see who else we got, I just got really excited. We can do some things this year. Real things. Like good things. Expect big things this year, boys! Ray who?"
Joining Luck and Martin are a cast of NFL superstars that care far more about stats than winning. A perfect attitude for a champion.
San Francisco phenom Colin Kaepernick will start alongside Luck at quarterback. Cleveland's Trent Richardson will be the second running back, setting up possibly the best QB, RB one-two punch in the league.
"Kaepernick-ing?" Kaepernick asked reporters. "<Expletive> that! I'm gonna be Mongoose-ing this year, baby! Time to rock out with my <expletive> out! Let 'em hang, baby!"
Richardson also said he was excited for the season.
"I am excited for the season," Richardson said.
The starting wide receiver corps will feature the Giants' Victor Cruz, the Redskins' Pierre Garcon with Syracuse great Mike Williams (Tampa Bay) and Golden Tate (Seattle) battling for the third spot.
"It's gonna be fun on the bun," Tate said. "I can't wait for tons of illegitimate touchdowns this season. If I can keep that up, I got a spot for sure."
Williams took a more reserved approach.
"I'm gonna go smoke some weed. I think that'll help," Williams shared while giggling.
Also expected to see playing time this season will be New Orleans running back Mark Ingram and Houston tight end Owen Daniels, who combined for 11 touchdowns a year ago. Blair Walsh (Minnesota) and the San Francisco Defense will start regularly.
Receivers Chris Givens (St. Louis), Mohamed Sanu (Cincinnati), Denarius Moore (Oakland) and Jacoby Jones (Baltimore), as well as running back Jacquizz Rodgers and tight end Scott Chandler (Buffalo) round out the roster.
Trades, however, are likely. For the second time in three seasons, the Mongooses were one of the teams on the outside looking in for a third quarterback. All bench players were notified they can be traded at a moment's notice, a devastating thought.
"It's such an honor to play for the Fighting Mongooses," Sanu said. "I don't know what I'd do if I was traded." Sanu paused and added, "I'd probably kill myself."
The Fighting Mongooses open the fantasy season week one against Unshitty Market Man.
"Mongooses never quit! Mongooses will fight! Mongooses will prevail!" Cruz exclaimed. "Let's dance!"
"This is my team now," Luck said to reporters in middle of a corn field in Iowa. "This franchise is synonymous with greatness. Period. The Michael Vick days are over. Thank God. It's time for me to take a leadership role with these guys and make sure the fantasy title returns where it belongs: wherever the hell the Mongooses reside. The losing stops now."
Martin echoed Luck's passion.
"Man, this is what it's all about," Martin said after the draft. "I mean, it's such a relieving feeling knowing that I was going back to the greatest fantasy franchise of all time.... of all time, man. But then to see who else we got, I just got really excited. We can do some things this year. Real things. Like good things. Expect big things this year, boys! Ray who?"
Joining Luck and Martin are a cast of NFL superstars that care far more about stats than winning. A perfect attitude for a champion.
San Francisco phenom Colin Kaepernick will start alongside Luck at quarterback. Cleveland's Trent Richardson will be the second running back, setting up possibly the best QB, RB one-two punch in the league.
"Kaepernick-ing?" Kaepernick asked reporters. "<Expletive> that! I'm gonna be Mongoose-ing this year, baby! Time to rock out with my <expletive> out! Let 'em hang, baby!"
Richardson also said he was excited for the season.
"I am excited for the season," Richardson said.
The starting wide receiver corps will feature the Giants' Victor Cruz, the Redskins' Pierre Garcon with Syracuse great Mike Williams (Tampa Bay) and Golden Tate (Seattle) battling for the third spot.
"It's gonna be fun on the bun," Tate said. "I can't wait for tons of illegitimate touchdowns this season. If I can keep that up, I got a spot for sure."
Williams took a more reserved approach.
"I'm gonna go smoke some weed. I think that'll help," Williams shared while giggling.
Also expected to see playing time this season will be New Orleans running back Mark Ingram and Houston tight end Owen Daniels, who combined for 11 touchdowns a year ago. Blair Walsh (Minnesota) and the San Francisco Defense will start regularly.
Receivers Chris Givens (St. Louis), Mohamed Sanu (Cincinnati), Denarius Moore (Oakland) and Jacoby Jones (Baltimore), as well as running back Jacquizz Rodgers and tight end Scott Chandler (Buffalo) round out the roster.
Trades, however, are likely. For the second time in three seasons, the Mongooses were one of the teams on the outside looking in for a third quarterback. All bench players were notified they can be traded at a moment's notice, a devastating thought.
"It's such an honor to play for the Fighting Mongooses," Sanu said. "I don't know what I'd do if I was traded." Sanu paused and added, "I'd probably kill myself."
The Fighting Mongooses open the fantasy season week one against Unshitty Market Man.
"Mongooses never quit! Mongooses will fight! Mongooses will prevail!" Cruz exclaimed. "Let's dance!"
The Tables Have Turned: TFM Win Close Battle For Once
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CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa -- For the first time in 2012, Calvin Johnson looked worthy of a top pick, as the Fighting Mongooses (3-7) actually won a close fantasy battle, 123.08 - 122.96 over Heisenberg (4-6). Johnson led the Mongooses with 24.70 fantasy points. His 4th quarter touchdown, which proved to be key, was just his second of the season.
"I've been hearing it everywhere I go," Johnson said, referring to criticism that he is a fantasy bust this season. "Honestly, that's what fuels me. All those <expletive> nay-sayers. <Expletive> off! Y'all shut the <expletive> up now. I'm <expletive> Megatron, mother <Expletive>!"
Megatron's return may have been all for not. Heading into the Monday night game in Pittsburgh, the Mongooses trailed Heisenberg 122.96 - 121.18. With only Issac Redman left to play, all TFM needed was the Steelers' starting running back to record 18 yards. That proved to be difficult for the embarrassing excuse for a tail back. However, thanks to a 4th quarter 3 yard run, Redman's total reached 21.
"I'm embarrassed," Redman said after the game. "Shouldn't had made it that close. Blame that Jonathan Dwyer character. Stealing my <expletive> touches. I hate that guy. But, I mean, regardless, it's nice to be on the other side of a close match up. We've lost so many like this this year."
Redman was referring to the team's 4.5 point loss to I Just Had Rex in week one and the team's 0.48 point loss to Soul Glo&King Douche in week five. Barring the dreaded stat-correction over-turn, Redman's performance was good enough to avoid another heart breaker.
What Redman failed to do on the field Monday, Andrew Luck excelled in on Thursday. The Indianapolis QB ran for two scores, while wracking up 19.18 fantasy points.
"First off, it's the <expletive> Jaguars. So, come on," Luck began. "But seriously, even though I had the first game, I saw Justin (Blackmon) not doing <expletive> again, I knew Doug (Martin) couldn't keep up the unrealistic numbers and with DeMarco (Murray) still <expletive> hurt, I ain't trusting Isaac. I had to take matters into my own hands. Run the <expletive> rock. Mike (Vick) ain't doing that."
Michael Vick didn't get a chance to. Injured in the second quarter, the Philadelphia QB will likely miss at least a week with a concussion. Vick was not available for comment as he felt dizzy and passed out on the floor. Instead of tending to him, TFM medical staff figured they should just leave him there and let everyone move on with their lives. Sam Bradford will likely start in Vick's place next week.
"I mean, I'm coming off a tie here... A tie," Bradford says. "That should tell you how much I freakin' care. But now I'm all fired up. If Mike can't go, I'm ready. Bring on that <expletive> glitch!"
The Mongooses face the ED-209 Glitch in Week 11. A win would keep the team's very slim playoff hopes on life support.
"I've been hearing it everywhere I go," Johnson said, referring to criticism that he is a fantasy bust this season. "Honestly, that's what fuels me. All those <expletive> nay-sayers. <Expletive> off! Y'all shut the <expletive> up now. I'm <expletive> Megatron, mother <Expletive>!"
Megatron's return may have been all for not. Heading into the Monday night game in Pittsburgh, the Mongooses trailed Heisenberg 122.96 - 121.18. With only Issac Redman left to play, all TFM needed was the Steelers' starting running back to record 18 yards. That proved to be difficult for the embarrassing excuse for a tail back. However, thanks to a 4th quarter 3 yard run, Redman's total reached 21.
"I'm embarrassed," Redman said after the game. "Shouldn't had made it that close. Blame that Jonathan Dwyer character. Stealing my <expletive> touches. I hate that guy. But, I mean, regardless, it's nice to be on the other side of a close match up. We've lost so many like this this year."
Redman was referring to the team's 4.5 point loss to I Just Had Rex in week one and the team's 0.48 point loss to Soul Glo&King Douche in week five. Barring the dreaded stat-correction over-turn, Redman's performance was good enough to avoid another heart breaker.
What Redman failed to do on the field Monday, Andrew Luck excelled in on Thursday. The Indianapolis QB ran for two scores, while wracking up 19.18 fantasy points.
"First off, it's the <expletive> Jaguars. So, come on," Luck began. "But seriously, even though I had the first game, I saw Justin (Blackmon) not doing <expletive> again, I knew Doug (Martin) couldn't keep up the unrealistic numbers and with DeMarco (Murray) still <expletive> hurt, I ain't trusting Isaac. I had to take matters into my own hands. Run the <expletive> rock. Mike (Vick) ain't doing that."
Michael Vick didn't get a chance to. Injured in the second quarter, the Philadelphia QB will likely miss at least a week with a concussion. Vick was not available for comment as he felt dizzy and passed out on the floor. Instead of tending to him, TFM medical staff figured they should just leave him there and let everyone move on with their lives. Sam Bradford will likely start in Vick's place next week.
"I mean, I'm coming off a tie here... A tie," Bradford says. "That should tell you how much I freakin' care. But now I'm all fired up. If Mike can't go, I'm ready. Bring on that <expletive> glitch!"
The Mongooses face the ED-209 Glitch in Week 11. A win would keep the team's very slim playoff hopes on life support.
Offensive Explosion: Rookie Martin Leads Mongoose Attack
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CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa -- Tampa Bay running back Doug Martin scored a record 63.20 fantasy points as the Fighting Mongooses erupted for a 182.40 - 121.40 victory over Ermac's Hado. The 182.40 point performance was the team's largest output of the season; Martin's 63.20 was the greatest of all-time. That's not opinion; that's fact.
"When I was drafted, coach Stolar looked me straight in they eye and told me I was the next Ray Rice," Martin told reporters in Eastern Iowa. "I was like, yeah sure. But he was dead serious. He would talk about the Greg Schiano connection and all that stuff. Maybe the pressure was a bit too much for me early. But now I'm starting to believe him. Maybe I can be the face of this great organization."
The 63.20 performance broke the previous record of 61.30 held by Y.A. Tittle, the greatest passing quarterback of all time. Martin's historic day came a week after a 37.40 fantasy outing a week ago, one that pathetically could not deliver a team victory.
"I'm just doing my part," Martin added. "It's gonna be hard to make the playoffs. But I'm just gonna keep running and hopefully my teammates will back me up."
Wishful thinking for a team filled with disappointing draft picks. The Fighting Mongooses (2-7) top three picks (Calvin Johnson, DeMarco Murray, and Michael Vick) have proven to be 2012 busts after strong performances in 2011.
"I'm just happy to get a win," Johnson said. "We've been so snake-bitten by Lady Luck this year, I guess the football Gods thought something should go our way for once."
When asked about scoring just one touchdown in the first eight games this year, Johnson responded, "Look, I realize my days in the endzone are over. Matt (Stafford) is more interested his cult religion than he is about throwing me the ball. So I just don't give a <expletive> anymore. I'm just gonna do my thing."
Johnson did put up 12.90 fantasy points this week, despite not scoring yet again. Besides Martin, it was another rookie, Andrew Luck, leading the charge. His 433 passing yards set an actual football rookie record.
"I like to think my performance inspired Doug a little bit," Luck began. "Side note, does anyone here remember the Nickelodeon show Doug? That <expletive> was the bomb!" Luck revealed a Beets t-shirt he wears under his pads every game. "Anywho, yea, Doug had a great day. Glad he could put my performance on the back shelf a little bit. Honestly, a running back has a career day and he get like 80 points. I have a great day and it's only 20-something? Quarterback driven league my <expletive>!"
The Mongooses also got a stellar day out of back-up running back Issac Redman. The on-again, off-again Steelers' started scored 21.10 fantasy points. By far his best outing of the year.
"I's jus be doin' what I do," Redman said. "I want people to look at me in say, 'this cat can ball, man.' Y'all be sain' dat soon. Jonny and Menden-<expletive> ain't <expletive>. I'm da real deal, foos."
Fighting for pride, the Mongooses will continue their futile 2012 campaign against Heisenberg next week.
"When I was drafted, coach Stolar looked me straight in they eye and told me I was the next Ray Rice," Martin told reporters in Eastern Iowa. "I was like, yeah sure. But he was dead serious. He would talk about the Greg Schiano connection and all that stuff. Maybe the pressure was a bit too much for me early. But now I'm starting to believe him. Maybe I can be the face of this great organization."
The 63.20 performance broke the previous record of 61.30 held by Y.A. Tittle, the greatest passing quarterback of all time. Martin's historic day came a week after a 37.40 fantasy outing a week ago, one that pathetically could not deliver a team victory.
"I'm just doing my part," Martin added. "It's gonna be hard to make the playoffs. But I'm just gonna keep running and hopefully my teammates will back me up."
Wishful thinking for a team filled with disappointing draft picks. The Fighting Mongooses (2-7) top three picks (Calvin Johnson, DeMarco Murray, and Michael Vick) have proven to be 2012 busts after strong performances in 2011.
"I'm just happy to get a win," Johnson said. "We've been so snake-bitten by Lady Luck this year, I guess the football Gods thought something should go our way for once."
When asked about scoring just one touchdown in the first eight games this year, Johnson responded, "Look, I realize my days in the endzone are over. Matt (Stafford) is more interested his cult religion than he is about throwing me the ball. So I just don't give a <expletive> anymore. I'm just gonna do my thing."
Johnson did put up 12.90 fantasy points this week, despite not scoring yet again. Besides Martin, it was another rookie, Andrew Luck, leading the charge. His 433 passing yards set an actual football rookie record.
"I like to think my performance inspired Doug a little bit," Luck began. "Side note, does anyone here remember the Nickelodeon show Doug? That <expletive> was the bomb!" Luck revealed a Beets t-shirt he wears under his pads every game. "Anywho, yea, Doug had a great day. Glad he could put my performance on the back shelf a little bit. Honestly, a running back has a career day and he get like 80 points. I have a great day and it's only 20-something? Quarterback driven league my <expletive>!"
The Mongooses also got a stellar day out of back-up running back Issac Redman. The on-again, off-again Steelers' started scored 21.10 fantasy points. By far his best outing of the year.
"I's jus be doin' what I do," Redman said. "I want people to look at me in say, 'this cat can ball, man.' Y'all be sain' dat soon. Jonny and Menden-<expletive> ain't <expletive>. I'm da real deal, foos."
Fighting for pride, the Mongooses will continue their futile 2012 campaign against Heisenberg next week.
Fighting Mongooses Announce Move, Re-branding
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/8615210.jpg?1)
CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa -- In an act of complete desperation, Fighting Mongooses Owner/General Manager/Head Coach/4th-string Left Tackle Landon Stolar has moved his franchise from Bozeman, MT to Cedar Rapids, IA.
"As we all know, Coach Stolar does not speak with the media. So he asked me to read this," Calvin Johnson began in front of thousands of media members. "'It's time for a change. As a result, I am pleased to announce that as part of our new branding campaign, the Fighting Mongooses will now be based in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. I hope this change will inspire my pathetic team to start winning.' Of course, he doesn't mean that genuinely." Johnson continued reading the prepared statement. "'I mean that genuinely. In addition, I am excited to release a brand new logo. This logo embodies everything about our franchise. Now our Mongoose holds a sword, a mighty addition. Mongooses never quit. Mongooses will fight. Mongooses will prevail!'"
Johnson continued on his own. "Well, you heard it. We're bound for the Hawkeye state! I'm <expletive> pumped, baby!"
Several other Mongooses were on hand for the announcement and offered their take on the move.
"I was very excited when I heard we found this new logo on Google Images," David Akers said. "It's OK that it's singular instead of plural."
"<Expletive> yeah!" Ray Lewis exclaimed. "Iowa!"
"Yeah, Iowa," Michael Vick reiterated softly. "Maybe I can re-re-invent my career there."
"I'm very excited about this move," Andrew Luck said. "Indiana is a great state." Luck was quickly corrected. He walked away with his head down.
"I don't blame him for moving the team," Jermichael Finley said. "We're <expletive> 1-6. Mike, Calvin and myself, man. We all freaking suck this year. Plain and simply. Hopefully a change of scenery will help."
'New city, new logo, same great franchise. What more can you ask for?" Santana Moss asked. "I am proud to be a fighting Mongooses wherever we're bases. It can be New York, Montana, Iowa... <Expletive>, I don't care if it's <expletive> communist Russia! As long as I'm a Mongoose."
The move will take effect immediately. Mongooses never quit. Mongooses will fight. Mongooses will prevail!
"As we all know, Coach Stolar does not speak with the media. So he asked me to read this," Calvin Johnson began in front of thousands of media members. "'It's time for a change. As a result, I am pleased to announce that as part of our new branding campaign, the Fighting Mongooses will now be based in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. I hope this change will inspire my pathetic team to start winning.' Of course, he doesn't mean that genuinely." Johnson continued reading the prepared statement. "'I mean that genuinely. In addition, I am excited to release a brand new logo. This logo embodies everything about our franchise. Now our Mongoose holds a sword, a mighty addition. Mongooses never quit. Mongooses will fight. Mongooses will prevail!'"
Johnson continued on his own. "Well, you heard it. We're bound for the Hawkeye state! I'm <expletive> pumped, baby!"
Several other Mongooses were on hand for the announcement and offered their take on the move.
"I was very excited when I heard we found this new logo on Google Images," David Akers said. "It's OK that it's singular instead of plural."
"<Expletive> yeah!" Ray Lewis exclaimed. "Iowa!"
"Yeah, Iowa," Michael Vick reiterated softly. "Maybe I can re-re-invent my career there."
"I'm very excited about this move," Andrew Luck said. "Indiana is a great state." Luck was quickly corrected. He walked away with his head down.
"I don't blame him for moving the team," Jermichael Finley said. "We're <expletive> 1-6. Mike, Calvin and myself, man. We all freaking suck this year. Plain and simply. Hopefully a change of scenery will help."
'New city, new logo, same great franchise. What more can you ask for?" Santana Moss asked. "I am proud to be a fighting Mongooses wherever we're bases. It can be New York, Montana, Iowa... <Expletive>, I don't care if it's <expletive> communist Russia! As long as I'm a Mongoose."
The move will take effect immediately. Mongooses never quit. Mongooses will fight. Mongooses will prevail!
Sweet Victory: Mongooses Fight for Win
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/3641399.jpg)
BOZEMAN, Mont. -- In a spot start, Jermaine Gresham scored 16.80 fantasy points to lead a once-discouraged Fighting Mongooses squad to their first victory of the 2012 Syracuse fantasy football season, beating Fight the Powa 114.94 - 100.72. The win raised the Mongooses record to 1-5 on the season, but the Mongooses say they're not looking at the standings.
"We feel we should be better than 1-5," Gresham said after his Cincinnati Bengals lost to the Cleveland Browns. "I mean, come on. We lost last week by less than a point. We lost back in week one because Oakland lost their long snapper and gave <expletive> Nate Kaeding all those field goals. There's an old saying in football: 'you are what your record says you are.' Here in Bozeman, we say: '<expletive> that <expletive>!'"
It is true that the Mongooses have had their share of bad luck this season. According to the Yahoo! Sports recap of this week's match-up, the Fighting Mongooses would be 3-2 if they played the same schedule as Fight the Powa. Likewise, if they played the same schedule as the Fighting Mongooses, Fight the Powa would be 1-4.
"Wow, is that true?" Doug Martin asked after a 13.10 fantasy outing in Tampa Bay's win over Kansas City. "I knew we've had some <expletive> luck this year. But that's crazy. And they're 4-2, right? I mean, wow."
Even though the Mongooses won by a comfortable margin, some Mongooses were expecting the worse with Fight the Powa having two formidable players in Philip Rivers and Eric Decker playing Monday night.
"So we're one game away from getting that elusive first win of the year, and I'm expecting Philip Rivers to go all PHILLIP RIVERS on the Broncos," Calvin Johnson said after Detroit topped Philadelphia in overtime. "But I have cable. So I missed it. Apparently he sucked in the second half. Good for us."
Regardless of what the Mongooses record is and what it should be, the team was grateful to finally get an official win, especially over Fight the Powa, as it allowed Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis to bust out his crazy rap skill.
"Do the impossible! see the invisible! Raw! Raw! Fight the Powa!" Lewis began in front of media members, teammates and thousands of anime fans. "Power to the peeps, power for the dream. Still missing piece scattering, so incomplete. We be the most incredible soldier from underground. See how easy, they all fall down. Digging to the core to see the light. Let's get out of here babe, that's the way to survive. Top of the head, I'm on the set. Do the impossible, don't you wanna bet? Cuz, a lot of things changed, we be waiting in vain. If you wanna get by, no pain no gain. Wow! fakers wanna test me again. Sorry, my rhyme's gonna snatch your brain. We gonna make it happen with the crazy rap. We gonna make it happen with the crazy rap skill. Get ready to rumble, now is the time. If you don't know, now you know."
Contrary to popular belief, Lewis tore his tricep while rapping, not in Baltimore's 31-29 win over Dallas.
With the Powa defeated, the Mongooses will look to continue their improbable run to the promised land against Canadian Tuxedos.
"We feel we should be better than 1-5," Gresham said after his Cincinnati Bengals lost to the Cleveland Browns. "I mean, come on. We lost last week by less than a point. We lost back in week one because Oakland lost their long snapper and gave <expletive> Nate Kaeding all those field goals. There's an old saying in football: 'you are what your record says you are.' Here in Bozeman, we say: '<expletive> that <expletive>!'"
It is true that the Mongooses have had their share of bad luck this season. According to the Yahoo! Sports recap of this week's match-up, the Fighting Mongooses would be 3-2 if they played the same schedule as Fight the Powa. Likewise, if they played the same schedule as the Fighting Mongooses, Fight the Powa would be 1-4.
"Wow, is that true?" Doug Martin asked after a 13.10 fantasy outing in Tampa Bay's win over Kansas City. "I knew we've had some <expletive> luck this year. But that's crazy. And they're 4-2, right? I mean, wow."
Even though the Mongooses won by a comfortable margin, some Mongooses were expecting the worse with Fight the Powa having two formidable players in Philip Rivers and Eric Decker playing Monday night.
"So we're one game away from getting that elusive first win of the year, and I'm expecting Philip Rivers to go all PHILLIP RIVERS on the Broncos," Calvin Johnson said after Detroit topped Philadelphia in overtime. "But I have cable. So I missed it. Apparently he sucked in the second half. Good for us."
Regardless of what the Mongooses record is and what it should be, the team was grateful to finally get an official win, especially over Fight the Powa, as it allowed Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis to bust out his crazy rap skill.
"Do the impossible! see the invisible! Raw! Raw! Fight the Powa!" Lewis began in front of media members, teammates and thousands of anime fans. "Power to the peeps, power for the dream. Still missing piece scattering, so incomplete. We be the most incredible soldier from underground. See how easy, they all fall down. Digging to the core to see the light. Let's get out of here babe, that's the way to survive. Top of the head, I'm on the set. Do the impossible, don't you wanna bet? Cuz, a lot of things changed, we be waiting in vain. If you wanna get by, no pain no gain. Wow! fakers wanna test me again. Sorry, my rhyme's gonna snatch your brain. We gonna make it happen with the crazy rap. We gonna make it happen with the crazy rap skill. Get ready to rumble, now is the time. If you don't know, now you know."
Contrary to popular belief, Lewis tore his tricep while rapping, not in Baltimore's 31-29 win over Dallas.
With the Powa defeated, the Mongooses will look to continue their improbable run to the promised land against Canadian Tuxedos.
Good Luck, Bad Luck: Mongooses Just Can't Win
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/5815849.jpg)
BOZEMAN, Mont. -- Fighting Mongooses rookie Andrew Luck broke through with a 29.98 fantasy point outing for Indianapolis, but the stars weren't aligned yet again, as the team lost a heart breaker to SoulGlo & KingDouche 116.46 - 115.98. The loss was the Mongooses' 5th straight to start the season. Not surprisingly, this latest defeat was particularly frustrating.
"This one's tough," Luck said after his Colts beat the Packers. "Everybody's coming up to me after the game and they're like 'hey, great game', you know, 'good win,' and I'm like, '<expletive> off! It's not over yet."
Reporters asked "and?"
Luck responded, "it wasn't. We lost. I've never even won a fantasy week."
One bright spot for TFM was the return of the prodigal son, Santana Moss, who recorded 18 fantasy points in his 2012 Mongooses debut.
"I thought my time in Bozeman was over, but that's just the way the world works sometimes," Moss said. "People forget, the fantasy sports world is a business. I get cut and the next thing I know, I'm back with the greatest fantasy franchise of all time. That's not opinion. That's fact. I'm just disappointed it wasn't enough. Man, just one more catch."
Just one more anything would have given the Mongooses their first victory of the season. The 48 hundreths of a point loss can be blamed on any number of things. One less Michael Vick fumble would have done it. Starting Sam Bradford over Vick or Issac Redman over Daryl Richardson or even Brandon LaFell over Torrey Smith all would have resulted in a Mongooses victory.
But as good as Andrew Luck was, luck simply wasn't on the Mongooses side. SoulGlo & KingDouche scored unexpected touchdowns from the likes of Kyle Rudolph, Michael Crabtree and Colin Kaepernick, while Calvin Johnson, DeMarco Murray and Doug Martin all had bye weeks.
"Look, nobody's happy with how the season has gone so far," Smith said. "We do what we can and we're all frustrated. But we're not gonna just give up. I don't know if the season is lost or not. But I do know anything's possible until we're mathematically eliminated. Come on, we're the Fighting Mongooses. We're the <expletive> Fighting Mongooses."
"We're the <expletive> Fighting Mongooses," Vick added.
"We're the <expletive> Fighting Mongooses," said Moss.
"It's the <expletive> Catalina Wine Mixer!" David Akers exclaimed.
Lost season or not, the Fighting Mongooses will keep on fighting against the team currently known as Mama's Boy.
"This one's tough," Luck said after his Colts beat the Packers. "Everybody's coming up to me after the game and they're like 'hey, great game', you know, 'good win,' and I'm like, '<expletive> off! It's not over yet."
Reporters asked "and?"
Luck responded, "it wasn't. We lost. I've never even won a fantasy week."
One bright spot for TFM was the return of the prodigal son, Santana Moss, who recorded 18 fantasy points in his 2012 Mongooses debut.
"I thought my time in Bozeman was over, but that's just the way the world works sometimes," Moss said. "People forget, the fantasy sports world is a business. I get cut and the next thing I know, I'm back with the greatest fantasy franchise of all time. That's not opinion. That's fact. I'm just disappointed it wasn't enough. Man, just one more catch."
Just one more anything would have given the Mongooses their first victory of the season. The 48 hundreths of a point loss can be blamed on any number of things. One less Michael Vick fumble would have done it. Starting Sam Bradford over Vick or Issac Redman over Daryl Richardson or even Brandon LaFell over Torrey Smith all would have resulted in a Mongooses victory.
But as good as Andrew Luck was, luck simply wasn't on the Mongooses side. SoulGlo & KingDouche scored unexpected touchdowns from the likes of Kyle Rudolph, Michael Crabtree and Colin Kaepernick, while Calvin Johnson, DeMarco Murray and Doug Martin all had bye weeks.
"Look, nobody's happy with how the season has gone so far," Smith said. "We do what we can and we're all frustrated. But we're not gonna just give up. I don't know if the season is lost or not. But I do know anything's possible until we're mathematically eliminated. Come on, we're the Fighting Mongooses. We're the <expletive> Fighting Mongooses."
"We're the <expletive> Fighting Mongooses," Vick added.
"We're the <expletive> Fighting Mongooses," said Moss.
"It's the <expletive> Catalina Wine Mixer!" David Akers exclaimed.
Lost season or not, the Fighting Mongooses will keep on fighting against the team currently known as Mama's Boy.
Game Over: Fighting Mongooses Now Desperate
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/4951611.jpg)
BOZEMAN, Mont. -- For the second consecutive week, Torrey Smith shined, but for the fourth consecutive week, the Fighting Mongooses received sub-par performances from their stars, as the Mongooses lost to Broadway 'Bow 135.12 - 97.48. The loss dropped the team's record to 0-4 on the season and just about eliminates them from playoff contention barring a massive winning streak.
Smith recorded 15.70 fantasy points, but was the only non-QB and non-DEF to score a touchdown.
"Aight now I'm gettin' pissed," Smith said Monday night. "Here I thought I was going to the golden franchise. I mean, these are the <expletive> Fighting Mongooses we're talkin' about. Not some B.S. little piece of <expletive> team out there. This is unexceptable. Guess I just gotta go out there and score 50 touchdowns, 'cuz no one else will apparently."
A bit harsh, but true. The Fighting Mongooses are getting frustrated with the lack of performance. Both Calvin Johnson and Jermichael Finley dropped balls in the endzone on Sunday. Uncharicteristically of both players last season. Common in 2012.
"I don't really know what it is to be honest with you," Jonhson said. "Clearly this team had faith in me and I've let them down. I guess it's Matthew Stafford's fault... Yeah, that's it, it's Stafford's fault. Why else would this <expletive> happen? <Expletive> that guy!"
"And Aaron Rodger," Finley added. "What an <expletive>-hole! It ain't us, dog. It's gotta be them. Some kind of conspiracy against the Fighting Mongooses. They tired of us winning and <expletive>."
The poor play isn't just through the air, it's on the ground. Through four games this seaosn, starting running back and second round draft pick DeMarco Murray has just one score.
"I have no idea how the run the ball," Murray said. "I've never even played football before. Yeah... you're supposed to run towards the sidelines right? I don't know. I'm just some dude off the street, man. Jerry Jones is so dumb that he thinks I'm the same kid he had last year. Truth is, I'm just some guy with the same name. He sent me an email to come to training camp, so I did. I think that other DeMarco Murray is dead or something. I don't know. It's a common name."
No one knows. But whoever this DeMarco Murray is, he is clearly not the same player we saw last year.
The Fighting Mongooses will have bye weeks galore next week, but will look to rebound regardless against SoulGlo & KingDouche.
Smith recorded 15.70 fantasy points, but was the only non-QB and non-DEF to score a touchdown.
"Aight now I'm gettin' pissed," Smith said Monday night. "Here I thought I was going to the golden franchise. I mean, these are the <expletive> Fighting Mongooses we're talkin' about. Not some B.S. little piece of <expletive> team out there. This is unexceptable. Guess I just gotta go out there and score 50 touchdowns, 'cuz no one else will apparently."
A bit harsh, but true. The Fighting Mongooses are getting frustrated with the lack of performance. Both Calvin Johnson and Jermichael Finley dropped balls in the endzone on Sunday. Uncharicteristically of both players last season. Common in 2012.
"I don't really know what it is to be honest with you," Jonhson said. "Clearly this team had faith in me and I've let them down. I guess it's Matthew Stafford's fault... Yeah, that's it, it's Stafford's fault. Why else would this <expletive> happen? <Expletive> that guy!"
"And Aaron Rodger," Finley added. "What an <expletive>-hole! It ain't us, dog. It's gotta be them. Some kind of conspiracy against the Fighting Mongooses. They tired of us winning and <expletive>."
The poor play isn't just through the air, it's on the ground. Through four games this seaosn, starting running back and second round draft pick DeMarco Murray has just one score.
"I have no idea how the run the ball," Murray said. "I've never even played football before. Yeah... you're supposed to run towards the sidelines right? I don't know. I'm just some dude off the street, man. Jerry Jones is so dumb that he thinks I'm the same kid he had last year. Truth is, I'm just some guy with the same name. He sent me an email to come to training camp, so I did. I think that other DeMarco Murray is dead or something. I don't know. It's a common name."
No one knows. But whoever this DeMarco Murray is, he is clearly not the same player we saw last year.
The Fighting Mongooses will have bye weeks galore next week, but will look to rebound regardless against SoulGlo & KingDouche.
I'm Going Through a Rough Patch in my Life Right Now:
TFM are 0-3
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/3819148.jpg)
BOZEMAN, Mont. -- Torrey Smith had a career night, but it was not enough to propel the Fighting Mongooses into the win column for the first time this season, as the Mongooses fell to ExecutivePlatinumAA 147.20 - 1118.70.
Playing the same day he lost his younger brother in a motorcycle accident, Smith scored 24.70 fantasy points. After the game, Smith let his emotions get the best of him.
"Man, I don't even know what to say, man," Smith said. "My brother's dead, I go all Brett Favre in prime time, but it's not enough. What the hell do I have to do? All I want... all I need is a win right now."
It did not come. Unfortunately for Fighting Mongooses fans, the team went up against the powerhouses known as Jake Locker and the Chicago defense, which combined for 61.62 fantasy points--more than Michael Vick, Justin Blakmon, DeMarco Murray, Doug Martin, Jermichael Finley, Daryl Richardson, David Akers and the Baltimore defense combined.
"Yeah, bad luck has something to do with it. I mean that one Locker 40 plus TD to Washington was B.S. But the bottom line is we need to start performing," Calvin Johnson said after the Lions lost to the Titans 44-41 in overtime. "I finally had a break-out game personally, albeit only after halftime. But we need to all have big games and ave them on the same day. It will happen one of these weeks."
Young quarterback Andrew Luck was another bright spot for the Mongooses. The Indianapolis QB was the team's high scorer with 28.52 fantasy points. But after a frustrating loss, Luck said he did not want to speak with the media.
"I do not want to speak with the media," Luck said.
An 0-3 start in fantasy football is often compared to a tiny net: it's a death sentence. But for a franchise known for it's never-say-die attitude, it's no surprise that no one is giving up.
"No one comes back from 0-3 to make the playoffs, huh? I guess we're just gonna have to make some history this year," Finley said Monday night.
Your Fighting Mongooses face Broadway 'Bow in week four.
Playing the same day he lost his younger brother in a motorcycle accident, Smith scored 24.70 fantasy points. After the game, Smith let his emotions get the best of him.
"Man, I don't even know what to say, man," Smith said. "My brother's dead, I go all Brett Favre in prime time, but it's not enough. What the hell do I have to do? All I want... all I need is a win right now."
It did not come. Unfortunately for Fighting Mongooses fans, the team went up against the powerhouses known as Jake Locker and the Chicago defense, which combined for 61.62 fantasy points--more than Michael Vick, Justin Blakmon, DeMarco Murray, Doug Martin, Jermichael Finley, Daryl Richardson, David Akers and the Baltimore defense combined.
"Yeah, bad luck has something to do with it. I mean that one Locker 40 plus TD to Washington was B.S. But the bottom line is we need to start performing," Calvin Johnson said after the Lions lost to the Titans 44-41 in overtime. "I finally had a break-out game personally, albeit only after halftime. But we need to all have big games and ave them on the same day. It will happen one of these weeks."
Young quarterback Andrew Luck was another bright spot for the Mongooses. The Indianapolis QB was the team's high scorer with 28.52 fantasy points. But after a frustrating loss, Luck said he did not want to speak with the media.
"I do not want to speak with the media," Luck said.
An 0-3 start in fantasy football is often compared to a tiny net: it's a death sentence. But for a franchise known for it's never-say-die attitude, it's no surprise that no one is giving up.
"No one comes back from 0-3 to make the playoffs, huh? I guess we're just gonna have to make some history this year," Finley said Monday night.
Your Fighting Mongooses face Broadway 'Bow in week four.
Under-performing and Unlucky Mongooses Fall to 0-2
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/3944321.jpg)
BOZEMAN, Mont. -- Michael Vick rebounded from a tough first week of fantasy, but it wasn't enough to deliver the Fighting Mongooses their first victory of the 2012 Syracuse Yahoo! season, as the team lost to Chandler Jones 129.98-91.90 to fall to 0-2 on the young season.
Vick recorded 24.24 fantasy points in the Eagles' 24-23 win over the Ravens. Fellow Mongoose quarterback Andrew Luck added 19.06 in the Colts' 23-20 win over the Vikings. Both QB's rebounded from sub-par outings in week one.
"It felt good to finally get going a little bit," Vick said. "There are a lot of expectations here this year and last week was not what I was hoping for. So yeah, it was nice to get a good week in. But in the end it's still a loss. So that feeling definitely trumps the individual numbers."
Luck agreed, adding "zero and two are a lot more important than 19.06. That's what it comes down to. I need to put up more points. Everybody needs to put up more points and we need to do it together."
While the quarterbacks played well this week, the rest of the team did not, a complete role reversal from the first week. With the Baltimore defense on the bench facing the Vick Experience, the Dallas "D" simply did not show up against Seattle. Justin Blackmon and Jermichael Finley combined for less than one point.
"I can't believe we broke 90 to be honest," Finley said. "After that pathetic performance on my part, we didn't <expletive> deserve to win. It's my fault and I'll get better."
Blackmon took a more religious approach.
"As you all know, I am a hasidic Jew," Blackmon said. "With Rosh Hashana that evening, my head just wasn't in the game. So you can blame Hashem for that one. On the bright side, it's officially a new year. 0-2? That's the so 5772. 5773 is our year. L'Shana Tova!"
Blackmon poured all the media members surrounding him a shot of whiskey and shouted "L'Chiam!"
As horrid as Blackmon and his zero points were, TFM never really had a chance. Chandler Jones had unheard-of fantasy performances from Stephen Gostkowski, Trent Richardson and Robert Griffin III, two of which the franchise acquired via a trade with the team currently known at the Tracts of Land. Just an unlucky situation for the franchise. But hope is not lost.
"It's early," Doug Martin said after his Bucs lost to the Giants in New Jersey. "It's a long fantasy season. I believe in this franchise. I believe in this team. We have some good pieces in place and I know we have the talent to win some match-ups. We'll be there. We'll be there. Just gotta get that first 'W' out of the way."
The Fighting Mongooses will get another chance to get that first "W" next week as the team takes on ExecutivePlatinumAA.
Vick recorded 24.24 fantasy points in the Eagles' 24-23 win over the Ravens. Fellow Mongoose quarterback Andrew Luck added 19.06 in the Colts' 23-20 win over the Vikings. Both QB's rebounded from sub-par outings in week one.
"It felt good to finally get going a little bit," Vick said. "There are a lot of expectations here this year and last week was not what I was hoping for. So yeah, it was nice to get a good week in. But in the end it's still a loss. So that feeling definitely trumps the individual numbers."
Luck agreed, adding "zero and two are a lot more important than 19.06. That's what it comes down to. I need to put up more points. Everybody needs to put up more points and we need to do it together."
While the quarterbacks played well this week, the rest of the team did not, a complete role reversal from the first week. With the Baltimore defense on the bench facing the Vick Experience, the Dallas "D" simply did not show up against Seattle. Justin Blackmon and Jermichael Finley combined for less than one point.
"I can't believe we broke 90 to be honest," Finley said. "After that pathetic performance on my part, we didn't <expletive> deserve to win. It's my fault and I'll get better."
Blackmon took a more religious approach.
"As you all know, I am a hasidic Jew," Blackmon said. "With Rosh Hashana that evening, my head just wasn't in the game. So you can blame Hashem for that one. On the bright side, it's officially a new year. 0-2? That's the so 5772. 5773 is our year. L'Shana Tova!"
Blackmon poured all the media members surrounding him a shot of whiskey and shouted "L'Chiam!"
As horrid as Blackmon and his zero points were, TFM never really had a chance. Chandler Jones had unheard-of fantasy performances from Stephen Gostkowski, Trent Richardson and Robert Griffin III, two of which the franchise acquired via a trade with the team currently known at the Tracts of Land. Just an unlucky situation for the franchise. But hope is not lost.
"It's early," Doug Martin said after his Bucs lost to the Giants in New Jersey. "It's a long fantasy season. I believe in this franchise. I believe in this team. We have some good pieces in place and I know we have the talent to win some match-ups. We'll be there. We'll be there. Just gotta get that first 'W' out of the way."
The Fighting Mongooses will get another chance to get that first "W" next week as the team takes on ExecutivePlatinumAA.
Photo Finish: Mongooses Fall in Thriller
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/4471774.jpg)
BOZEMAN, Mont. -- For the second straight year, the Fighting Mongooses kicked a record-tying 63 yard field goal in the opening week. But unlike Sabastian Janikowski's, which gave the Mongooses a last second victory a year ago, David Akers' kick was not enough, as the Fighting Mongooses fell to I Just Had Rex 132.34-127.84.
With the two teams essentially tied after Sunday, Torrey Smith and the Baltimore defense combined for 25.00 points. A solid effort for the Mongoose pair, but Nate Kaeding and Malcom Floyd combined for 30.60 points for I Just Had Rex to down TFM.
"It's frustrating," Akers said late Monday night. "You know, you trail all the way until Sunday night, finally take a lead and then lose it at the last second. I don't really know what to think."
When asked about his record-tying field goal, Akers responded, "At the time it was awesome. I saw that Polish freak hit that last year and I didn't think I had that kind of leg especially at my age. So yea, at the time, thought that would help the team. But now... meaningless. I don't care about records. I care about the Mongooses."
Ed Reed couldn't agree more. The Baltimore defense was rolling to a terrific 21 point performance, which including a pick six from Reed. But the scrubs allowed Cincinnati to pass the 300 yard mark in the final minute to erase three points.
"I was shocked," Reed said. "I really though we had this one. We put in everything we had. We just came up short. Gotta tip your hat sometimes."
Justin Blackmon overheard as responded to reporters, "Tip your hat? <Expletive> that! Tell <expletive> Blaine Gabbert to hit me when I'm wide open in the endzone and we're not even having this <expletive> conversation!"
Blackmon was drunk. Moments later, he drove home.
It was the closest match-up of the week and The Mongooses and I Just Had Rex were both victims of abysmal quarterback play. Michael Vick, Andrew Luck, as well as Tom Brady and Christian Ponder were all horrible. None of the four QB's broke 20 points; none of the four QB's reached their projected Yahoo! totals. Vick and Luck combined for seven interceptions.
"That's not gonna get it done," Vick said. "I'm honestly embarrassed in myself. I knew how important the first week in fantasy is, you know, to get off on the right foot and all. But this, man... This is tough to take. If I had just not turned the ball over, we would have won. I mean, that's 8 points right there. I have to get better. And I will next week."
The Fighting Mongooses will look to rebound in week 2 against a Chandler Jones team that put up 168.52 points the opening weekend.
With the two teams essentially tied after Sunday, Torrey Smith and the Baltimore defense combined for 25.00 points. A solid effort for the Mongoose pair, but Nate Kaeding and Malcom Floyd combined for 30.60 points for I Just Had Rex to down TFM.
"It's frustrating," Akers said late Monday night. "You know, you trail all the way until Sunday night, finally take a lead and then lose it at the last second. I don't really know what to think."
When asked about his record-tying field goal, Akers responded, "At the time it was awesome. I saw that Polish freak hit that last year and I didn't think I had that kind of leg especially at my age. So yea, at the time, thought that would help the team. But now... meaningless. I don't care about records. I care about the Mongooses."
Ed Reed couldn't agree more. The Baltimore defense was rolling to a terrific 21 point performance, which including a pick six from Reed. But the scrubs allowed Cincinnati to pass the 300 yard mark in the final minute to erase three points.
"I was shocked," Reed said. "I really though we had this one. We put in everything we had. We just came up short. Gotta tip your hat sometimes."
Justin Blackmon overheard as responded to reporters, "Tip your hat? <Expletive> that! Tell <expletive> Blaine Gabbert to hit me when I'm wide open in the endzone and we're not even having this <expletive> conversation!"
Blackmon was drunk. Moments later, he drove home.
It was the closest match-up of the week and The Mongooses and I Just Had Rex were both victims of abysmal quarterback play. Michael Vick, Andrew Luck, as well as Tom Brady and Christian Ponder were all horrible. None of the four QB's broke 20 points; none of the four QB's reached their projected Yahoo! totals. Vick and Luck combined for seven interceptions.
"That's not gonna get it done," Vick said. "I'm honestly embarrassed in myself. I knew how important the first week in fantasy is, you know, to get off on the right foot and all. But this, man... This is tough to take. If I had just not turned the ball over, we would have won. I mean, that's 8 points right there. I have to get better. And I will next week."
The Fighting Mongooses will look to rebound in week 2 against a Chandler Jones team that put up 168.52 points the opening weekend.
Fighting Mongooses: 2012 Edition
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/9209046.jpg)
BOZEMAN, Mont. -- "We want to win a title. That's the bottom line."
Words of a champion from Calvin Johnson, who will call Bozeman, MT home this fall. As the 2012 fantasy football season begins in less than two weeks, it's time for Fighting Mongoose fans near and far to get rowdy.
Looking for the organizations first fantasy title since joining the Syracuse Yahoo! league, the Mongooses selected the Detroit Lions star wide out with it's 5th overall pick. And Johnson could not have pictured it any other way.
"Sitting in my Detroit mansion, man, there's just so much anticipation," Johnson began to explain. "Which team is gonna pick me up? I thought I could have gone first overall. But I just see myself dropping and dropping and somebody's gotta take a receiver at some point. When I got that call, man, it was like a dream come true. What an honor it is to be a Mongoose."
What an honor, indeed. Johnson is one of many new faces that will suit up for TFM this season. Every individual on the roster is new to the franchise. Only the Baltimore defense returns from last year's squad that finished 5-7.
"Oh, dip! <Expletive> yes!" Ray Lewis exclaimed in front of hundreds of media members. "I ain't takin' no questions, dog. You all know how I feel. I <expletive> love this franchise. We have a <expletive> great team this year. We're gonna do it. Championship, baby!"
Lofty goals, but it is certainly a possibility. The Mongooses challenges this year will be in their youth and staying healthy. Cowboy DeMarco Murray and Buccaneer rookie Doug Martin will start at running back. Raven Torrey Smith and Jaguar rookie Justin Blackmon join Johnson as receivers.
But perhaps the biggest question mark is at quarterback, as the Mongooses lose Tom Brady and turn to the injury-prone Michael Vick.
"Everybody wants to take shots at me right now. He can't stay healthy, the league's catching up to him. Blah, blah, blah. That's bull <expletive>, man," Vick said. "I can tell you this right now. I will play my ass off for this team. I've never been filled with so much pride in my whole career. So I'm not the 2011 Michael Vick. I'm not the 2010 Michael Vick. I'm the 2012 Michael Vick and the 2012 Michael Vick is gonna take this league by storm once again."
Vick left the room and was attacked by a pack of killer dogs. He still plans to start week one.
The Mongooses other starting QB will be the young Andrew Luck in Indianapolis. Wide-eyed and dazed, Luck tried to please the fans day one.
"I'm happy to be here. Couldn't ask for a better way to start my fantasy career," Luck said. "What am I supposed to say now? Mongooses never quit? Mongooses will fight? Mongooses will prevail? I'll live by that motto every day."
Welcome to the the Fighting Mongooses.
Words of a champion from Calvin Johnson, who will call Bozeman, MT home this fall. As the 2012 fantasy football season begins in less than two weeks, it's time for Fighting Mongoose fans near and far to get rowdy.
Looking for the organizations first fantasy title since joining the Syracuse Yahoo! league, the Mongooses selected the Detroit Lions star wide out with it's 5th overall pick. And Johnson could not have pictured it any other way.
"Sitting in my Detroit mansion, man, there's just so much anticipation," Johnson began to explain. "Which team is gonna pick me up? I thought I could have gone first overall. But I just see myself dropping and dropping and somebody's gotta take a receiver at some point. When I got that call, man, it was like a dream come true. What an honor it is to be a Mongoose."
What an honor, indeed. Johnson is one of many new faces that will suit up for TFM this season. Every individual on the roster is new to the franchise. Only the Baltimore defense returns from last year's squad that finished 5-7.
"Oh, dip! <Expletive> yes!" Ray Lewis exclaimed in front of hundreds of media members. "I ain't takin' no questions, dog. You all know how I feel. I <expletive> love this franchise. We have a <expletive> great team this year. We're gonna do it. Championship, baby!"
Lofty goals, but it is certainly a possibility. The Mongooses challenges this year will be in their youth and staying healthy. Cowboy DeMarco Murray and Buccaneer rookie Doug Martin will start at running back. Raven Torrey Smith and Jaguar rookie Justin Blackmon join Johnson as receivers.
But perhaps the biggest question mark is at quarterback, as the Mongooses lose Tom Brady and turn to the injury-prone Michael Vick.
"Everybody wants to take shots at me right now. He can't stay healthy, the league's catching up to him. Blah, blah, blah. That's bull <expletive>, man," Vick said. "I can tell you this right now. I will play my ass off for this team. I've never been filled with so much pride in my whole career. So I'm not the 2011 Michael Vick. I'm not the 2010 Michael Vick. I'm the 2012 Michael Vick and the 2012 Michael Vick is gonna take this league by storm once again."
Vick left the room and was attacked by a pack of killer dogs. He still plans to start week one.
The Mongooses other starting QB will be the young Andrew Luck in Indianapolis. Wide-eyed and dazed, Luck tried to please the fans day one.
"I'm happy to be here. Couldn't ask for a better way to start my fantasy career," Luck said. "What am I supposed to say now? Mongooses never quit? Mongooses will fight? Mongooses will prevail? I'll live by that motto every day."
Welcome to the the Fighting Mongooses.
Mongooses Begin New Season With New Faces
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/2008691.jpg?241)
BOZEMAN, Mont. -- And so begins another exciting season of Fighting Mongooses baseball! Looking to defend their 2011 Roid Rage Comeback Tour title, the 2012 squad is a nice mix of classic names and some new faces.
Like last season, the strength of the team lies in the pitching staff. Tim Lincecum and Felix Hernendez return for what look to be promising seasons. The Mongooses used their first pick of the draft to select New York Mets ace Johan Santana, who expects to fit in nicely.
"It's nice to be on a winning team," Santana said. "When you play for a team like the Mets that are... let's just say talent-challenged, it can be hard to find motivation. This is all the motivation I need. I'm so happy to be a Mongoose. I just hope my offense can score some runs for me so I can record some wins."
In the bullpen, the Mongooses have loaded up on closers. Brett Myers and Joel Hanrahan will look to save games when the Astros and Pirates actually win games. Heath Bell moved from San Diego to Miami, but will still play for the Mongooses. Drew Storen will begin the year on the disabled list, but the team has picked up Storen's replacement, Henry Rodriguez.
"Honestly, Drew going down was kind of a shock," Rodriguez said. "When I came to the Nationals, I thought I was just going to be a middle reliever. But then Drew gets hurt, I get the closing spot and all the sudden fantasy teams all over the country want me. It was a bit overwhelming, but I couldn't be happier that I ended up being a Mongoose. Just hope I can hold down the fort until Drew comes back."
Offensively, all your favorite Mongooses return. Robinson Cano, Jay Bruce and Adam Lind provide power. Miguel Montero is back as the face of the franchise. The team elected to let Yadier Molina walk after he got his big contract from Saint Louis. In his place, TFM were planning on having another Montero (Jesus) step. However, due to the incompetence of the American League. That will not be possible.
After being traded to Seattle, Montero saw his position changed from catcher to designated hitter. Since the DH is not a position, he is not eligible for the Roid Rage Comeback Tour. Montero will have to wait until he catches five games to be listed as a catcher and therefore eligible.
"This is bull <expletive>," Montero shouted to a group of Bozeman reporters. "I worked my <expletive> <expletive> off to make it to the big leagues for one reason: to play for The Fighting Mongooses. And then the <expletive> Mariners take that away from me? That's <expletive> bull <expletive>, man. I'll tell you what. I will catch and I will catch soon. I'm a <expletive> catcher. What the <expletive> is a DH? Give me a break."
Fact is, the designated hitter is a cancer on the game of baseball. The Fighting Mongooses will hope to have Montero back as soon as possible as they look to defend their title!
Like last season, the strength of the team lies in the pitching staff. Tim Lincecum and Felix Hernendez return for what look to be promising seasons. The Mongooses used their first pick of the draft to select New York Mets ace Johan Santana, who expects to fit in nicely.
"It's nice to be on a winning team," Santana said. "When you play for a team like the Mets that are... let's just say talent-challenged, it can be hard to find motivation. This is all the motivation I need. I'm so happy to be a Mongoose. I just hope my offense can score some runs for me so I can record some wins."
In the bullpen, the Mongooses have loaded up on closers. Brett Myers and Joel Hanrahan will look to save games when the Astros and Pirates actually win games. Heath Bell moved from San Diego to Miami, but will still play for the Mongooses. Drew Storen will begin the year on the disabled list, but the team has picked up Storen's replacement, Henry Rodriguez.
"Honestly, Drew going down was kind of a shock," Rodriguez said. "When I came to the Nationals, I thought I was just going to be a middle reliever. But then Drew gets hurt, I get the closing spot and all the sudden fantasy teams all over the country want me. It was a bit overwhelming, but I couldn't be happier that I ended up being a Mongoose. Just hope I can hold down the fort until Drew comes back."
Offensively, all your favorite Mongooses return. Robinson Cano, Jay Bruce and Adam Lind provide power. Miguel Montero is back as the face of the franchise. The team elected to let Yadier Molina walk after he got his big contract from Saint Louis. In his place, TFM were planning on having another Montero (Jesus) step. However, due to the incompetence of the American League. That will not be possible.
After being traded to Seattle, Montero saw his position changed from catcher to designated hitter. Since the DH is not a position, he is not eligible for the Roid Rage Comeback Tour. Montero will have to wait until he catches five games to be listed as a catcher and therefore eligible.
"This is bull <expletive>," Montero shouted to a group of Bozeman reporters. "I worked my <expletive> <expletive> off to make it to the big leagues for one reason: to play for The Fighting Mongooses. And then the <expletive> Mariners take that away from me? That's <expletive> bull <expletive>, man. I'll tell you what. I will catch and I will catch soon. I'm a <expletive> catcher. What the <expletive> is a DH? Give me a break."
Fact is, the designated hitter is a cancer on the game of baseball. The Fighting Mongooses will hope to have Montero back as soon as possible as they look to defend their title!
Still Hope Yet! Mongooses Roll To Victory
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/2380333.jpg)
BOZEMAN, Mont. -- Dustin Keller and DeAngelo Williams each scored twice in leading the Fighting Mongooses (5-7) to a much-needed 163.04 - 89.06 win over MyEntireTeamSucks (4-8). Keller was on the team all season, but never saw the field until this weekend. Keller was on the trading block all season. He was offered to three seperate teams. But he did not disappoint Mongoose fans in his Mongoose debut, as he scored 18.10 fantasy points.
"I'm not stupid, guys," Keller said to reporters after a 28-24 Jets win over the Bills. "I know the team's been trying to get rid of me. With Jason [Witten] ahead of me on the depth chart and coach Stolar not a fan of playing two tight ends, I knew what was up. Coach even told me to pack my bags a few weeks ago. But I got the nod today. Life's all about chances. I got my chance today and I knew I had to make the most of it. Mark [Sanchez] really helped me out there."
Sanchez threw two touchdowns to Keller and another to fellow-Mongoose Santonio Holmes. All three Jets had productive days.
Carolina running back DeAngelo Williams also was key for the Fighting Mongooses. In his most productive outing as a Mongoose, Williams scored two touchdowns, matching Keller's 18-point performance.
"Just give me the rock," Williams said after a 27-19 Carolina win over Indianapolis. "[Cam] Newton, man. That guy's been crampin my style. He be good and all, but I's be pretty good too, you know what I'm saying? I the running back. He da quarterback. When I get carries, good things happens, man."
The Mongooses also got excellent games from three more key contributers. Patriots quarterback Tom Brady had a steller 33.24 point day, including a 40-plus yard touchdown. The Baltimore defense put up 24.00 points. Oakland kicker and Mongoose team captain Sabastian Janikowski hit six field goals, wracking up 23.00 fantasy points."
"We're alive, man!" Janikowski screamed while literally strangling a reporter from the Bozeman Chronicle. "We're [expletive] alive! I [expletive] love this team! Let's Go! Let's [expletive] go!"
The Mongooses' slim playoff hopes are still alive as the team hits the last game of the regular season. Here's what the Mongooses need for a playoff berth: (1) a Mongoose victory over G-Robs Lil' Engine, (2) a Kens Metal Losers victory over ExecutivePlatinumAA, (3) a Drew Fightin' DWI's win over Nick Kroll'D, and (4) finishing with the tie-breaker (more points forced) over the other two 6-7 teams.
"It's still a long shot, but this team has fought from behind all season," Sanchez said. "We have a glimmer of hope and that's all we need. Mongooses never quit! Mongooses will fight! Mongooses will prevail!"
"I'm not stupid, guys," Keller said to reporters after a 28-24 Jets win over the Bills. "I know the team's been trying to get rid of me. With Jason [Witten] ahead of me on the depth chart and coach Stolar not a fan of playing two tight ends, I knew what was up. Coach even told me to pack my bags a few weeks ago. But I got the nod today. Life's all about chances. I got my chance today and I knew I had to make the most of it. Mark [Sanchez] really helped me out there."
Sanchez threw two touchdowns to Keller and another to fellow-Mongoose Santonio Holmes. All three Jets had productive days.
Carolina running back DeAngelo Williams also was key for the Fighting Mongooses. In his most productive outing as a Mongoose, Williams scored two touchdowns, matching Keller's 18-point performance.
"Just give me the rock," Williams said after a 27-19 Carolina win over Indianapolis. "[Cam] Newton, man. That guy's been crampin my style. He be good and all, but I's be pretty good too, you know what I'm saying? I the running back. He da quarterback. When I get carries, good things happens, man."
The Mongooses also got excellent games from three more key contributers. Patriots quarterback Tom Brady had a steller 33.24 point day, including a 40-plus yard touchdown. The Baltimore defense put up 24.00 points. Oakland kicker and Mongoose team captain Sabastian Janikowski hit six field goals, wracking up 23.00 fantasy points."
"We're alive, man!" Janikowski screamed while literally strangling a reporter from the Bozeman Chronicle. "We're [expletive] alive! I [expletive] love this team! Let's Go! Let's [expletive] go!"
The Mongooses' slim playoff hopes are still alive as the team hits the last game of the regular season. Here's what the Mongooses need for a playoff berth: (1) a Mongoose victory over G-Robs Lil' Engine, (2) a Kens Metal Losers victory over ExecutivePlatinumAA, (3) a Drew Fightin' DWI's win over Nick Kroll'D, and (4) finishing with the tie-breaker (more points forced) over the other two 6-7 teams.
"It's still a long shot, but this team has fought from behind all season," Sanchez said. "We have a glimmer of hope and that's all we need. Mongooses never quit! Mongooses will fight! Mongooses will prevail!"
Mongooses Get Nick Kroll'D
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/3698952.jpg)
BOZEMAN, Mont. -- Jason Witten caught a 59 yard touchdown pass and DeAngelo Williams had a productive day, but it wasn't enough for the Fighting Mongooses (4-7) who fell to Nick Kroll'D (6-5) 147.70 - 97.24. Witten wracked up 18.50 fantasy points, his best outing of the year. With the loss, the Mongooses suffered what could be a fatal blow to their playoff hopes.
"We're all trying," a frustrated Witten began. "To be honest, I felt really good after I caught that touchdown. I think it was just a two-point game at the time. But they just went on a roll. I feel like that's happened all season. We just can't catch a break."
The 143.70 fantasy points by Nick Kroll'D was the highest point total in the league this week. Week 11 marked the third such week the Fighting Mongooses lost to the team having the best day.
"Look, what do you want me to do?" Ray Lewis asked to reporters after his Ravens defense put up just seven fantasy points while he sat on the bench with an injury. "This is fantasy football. Who gives a [expletive] that we won that game? We gave up 24 [expletive] points. That's a terrible fantasy outing. My unit has been working our butts off for the Mongooses this year and we will continue to do so. I didn't kill no mother [expletive] lion!" Lewis immediately stormed out of the locker room.
The Fighting Mongooses are technically still alive for a playoff berth. But they need to win out impressively and get quite a bit of help. The picture will become clear this weekend when Mongooses face MyEntireTeamSucks. The name alone should be a good omen.
"We're not mathematically eliminated yet," began Tom Brady. "What's that old saying? Mongooses never quit? Mongooses will fight? Well we're not dead. We'll continue to fight. We'll fight until we got nothing left."
"We're all trying," a frustrated Witten began. "To be honest, I felt really good after I caught that touchdown. I think it was just a two-point game at the time. But they just went on a roll. I feel like that's happened all season. We just can't catch a break."
The 143.70 fantasy points by Nick Kroll'D was the highest point total in the league this week. Week 11 marked the third such week the Fighting Mongooses lost to the team having the best day.
"Look, what do you want me to do?" Ray Lewis asked to reporters after his Ravens defense put up just seven fantasy points while he sat on the bench with an injury. "This is fantasy football. Who gives a [expletive] that we won that game? We gave up 24 [expletive] points. That's a terrible fantasy outing. My unit has been working our butts off for the Mongooses this year and we will continue to do so. I didn't kill no mother [expletive] lion!" Lewis immediately stormed out of the locker room.
The Fighting Mongooses are technically still alive for a playoff berth. But they need to win out impressively and get quite a bit of help. The picture will become clear this weekend when Mongooses face MyEntireTeamSucks. The name alone should be a good omen.
"We're not mathematically eliminated yet," began Tom Brady. "What's that old saying? Mongooses never quit? Mongooses will fight? Well we're not dead. We'll continue to fight. We'll fight until we got nothing left."
Still Alive! Mongooses Rout Animals
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/3930277.jpg)
BOZEMAN, Mont. -- Tom Brady threw three touchdown passes as the Fighting Mongooses (4-6) kept their slim playoff hopes alive with a 112.90 - 62.08 rout over Ken's Metal Animals (3-7) this weekend. Brady put up 25.36 fantasy points, the first time he broke twenty in six weeks, as he helped lead the Mongooses to their first win in four weeks and just their second win in the last eight weeks.
"We needed it," Brady said after a 37-16 Patriot win over the Jets. "Mark [Sanchez] and I spoke before the game. We knew we had to throw the rock a ton, so we did. We were in a must-win situation. We're still in a must-win situation. But at least with this win we're still in the hunt. Hopefully we can build on this win and put together a nice streak here at the end of the fantasy season."
Sanchez also had a solid day as the Mongooses' two starting quarterbacks had good games the same week for the first time in over a month. The Jets quarterback recorded 21.34 fantasy points, just his third twenty-plus fantasy performance this season.
"Feels good. Feels really good," Sanchez said. "I think we just needed a day like this to remind ourselves we're a good fantasy team. When you lose six out of seven, or whatever it was, it's only natural to lose a little faith. I'd like to think we got that back today. We're still alive."
A big reason for the victory was the play of running back Rashard Mendenhall. The Pittsburgh running back who has struggled all season score two touchdowns in a win over the Bengals, registering 19.00 fantasy points.
"This was a put-up or shut-up kind of week," Mendenhall said after his Steelers beat the Bengals 24-17. "We're getting in to crunch time now. We haven't won a lot this year. But whatever's in the past is in the past. All we can do is control what we can control and that means winning. Just keep winning. We won today and as long as we keep scoring touchdowns, we'll keep winning and hopefully win our way to a championship."
Arizona's Early Doucet continued to contribute, scoring yet another touchdown in a 21-17 win over the Eagles. In his Mongooses debut, Chicago kicker Robbie Gould scored 16.00 fantasy points.
The Fighting Mongooses will continue to fight for a playoff berth next week against Nick Kroll'D.
"We needed it," Brady said after a 37-16 Patriot win over the Jets. "Mark [Sanchez] and I spoke before the game. We knew we had to throw the rock a ton, so we did. We were in a must-win situation. We're still in a must-win situation. But at least with this win we're still in the hunt. Hopefully we can build on this win and put together a nice streak here at the end of the fantasy season."
Sanchez also had a solid day as the Mongooses' two starting quarterbacks had good games the same week for the first time in over a month. The Jets quarterback recorded 21.34 fantasy points, just his third twenty-plus fantasy performance this season.
"Feels good. Feels really good," Sanchez said. "I think we just needed a day like this to remind ourselves we're a good fantasy team. When you lose six out of seven, or whatever it was, it's only natural to lose a little faith. I'd like to think we got that back today. We're still alive."
A big reason for the victory was the play of running back Rashard Mendenhall. The Pittsburgh running back who has struggled all season score two touchdowns in a win over the Bengals, registering 19.00 fantasy points.
"This was a put-up or shut-up kind of week," Mendenhall said after his Steelers beat the Bengals 24-17. "We're getting in to crunch time now. We haven't won a lot this year. But whatever's in the past is in the past. All we can do is control what we can control and that means winning. Just keep winning. We won today and as long as we keep scoring touchdowns, we'll keep winning and hopefully win our way to a championship."
Arizona's Early Doucet continued to contribute, scoring yet another touchdown in a 21-17 win over the Eagles. In his Mongooses debut, Chicago kicker Robbie Gould scored 16.00 fantasy points.
The Fighting Mongooses will continue to fight for a playoff berth next week against Nick Kroll'D.
Mongooses' Skid Continues Against Fat Al And The Ocho
![Picture](/uploads/3/3/8/0/3380808/4458205.jpg)
BOZEMAN, Mont. -- Santonio Holmes, Jason Witten and Rashard Mendenhall scored touchdowns, but it wasn't enough for the slumping Fighting Mongooses (3-6), who fell to Fat Al and The Ocho (6-3) this weekend 130.14 - 89.58. For the third-straight week, the Mongooses failed to reach 100 fantasy points. The team has now lost six of their last seven.
"We're all frustrated," Holmes said after his Jets beat the Bills 27-11. "It seems like we can all never be on on the same day. I get a touchdown this week, Jeremy [Maclin] doesn't. Early [Doucet] scores like crazy the last few weeks, but now he's got John Skelton throwing to him. John Skelton sucks. And don't even get me started on Darrius [Heyward-Bey]."
Heyward-Bey led the Raiders in receptions and receiving yards each of the last five games. He was targeted once this Sunday in a 38-24 loss to the Tim Tebow-led Broncos.
"First off, I can't work with this guy," Heyward-Bey said in reference to Oakland's new starting quarterback, Carson Palmer. "This guy sucks. He keeps throwing to the other side of the field. I know he's new, but he's gotta start realizing it's all about the Mongooses, not the Raiders. He's gotta get me the ball!"
It wasn't just the receivers that struggled this week. The Mongooses' running backs also disappointed fans with yet another sub-par effort. Despite Rashard Mendenhall scoring a touchdown for the first time in weeks, Ryan Torain once again proved he doesn't belong on the roster. In two games with the team, Torain has put up just 2.90 fantasy points.
"I'm embarrassed," Torain said. "I honestly thought the Redskins would give me more touches. Mike Shannahan's a moron for not using me more." When asked if he thought he'd be on the roster next week, Torain responded, "The way I played, I shouldn't be."
But despite the losing streak, the Mongooses remain confident.
"We're going to keep fighting," Tom Brady said after a 24-20 loss to the Giants. "After all, Mongooses never quit. Mongooses will fight. Mongooses will prevail."
Your Fighting Mongooses will try to begin their run towards a potential playoff berth this weekend as they take on Ken's Metal Animals.
"We're all frustrated," Holmes said after his Jets beat the Bills 27-11. "It seems like we can all never be on on the same day. I get a touchdown this week, Jeremy [Maclin] doesn't. Early [Doucet] scores like crazy the last few weeks, but now he's got John Skelton throwing to him. John Skelton sucks. And don't even get me started on Darrius [Heyward-Bey]."
Heyward-Bey led the Raiders in receptions and receiving yards each of the last five games. He was targeted once this Sunday in a 38-24 loss to the Tim Tebow-led Broncos.
"First off, I can't work with this guy," Heyward-Bey said in reference to Oakland's new starting quarterback, Carson Palmer. "This guy sucks. He keeps throwing to the other side of the field. I know he's new, but he's gotta start realizing it's all about the Mongooses, not the Raiders. He's gotta get me the ball!"
It wasn't just the receivers that struggled this week. The Mongooses' running backs also disappointed fans with yet another sub-par effort. Despite Rashard Mendenhall scoring a touchdown for the first time in weeks, Ryan Torain once again proved he doesn't belong on the roster. In two games with the team, Torain has put up just 2.90 fantasy points.
"I'm embarrassed," Torain said. "I honestly thought the Redskins would give me more touches. Mike Shannahan's a moron for not using me more." When asked if he thought he'd be on the roster next week, Torain responded, "The way I played, I shouldn't be."
But despite the losing streak, the Mongooses remain confident.
"We're going to keep fighting," Tom Brady said after a 24-20 loss to the Giants. "After all, Mongooses never quit. Mongooses will fight. Mongooses will prevail."
Your Fighting Mongooses will try to begin their run towards a potential playoff berth this weekend as they take on Ken's Metal Animals.
Mongooses Fall To Rival Cobras
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BOZEMAN, Mont. -- Jeremy Maclin had double digit fantasy points, but it wasn't enough for the Fighting Mongooses this weekend as they fell to Cobras 116.98 - 84.50. The Cobras (2-6) wide receivers had a field day as Steve Smith, Larry Fitzgerald and A.J. Green combined for 43.3 points. Meanwhile, the Mongooses (3-5) struggled again as they failed to put up 100 fantasy points for just the second time this season.
"I honestly thought we had a shot," Maclin said after his Eagles beat the Cowboys 34-7. "Coming off the bye, I knew I would have a big day. But no one else really stepped up. Can't do everything myself. Sometimes that's just the way the cards fall."
The cards haven't been falling well for the Mongooses recently. After this weekend's loss, the team has now lost five of their last six contests. The only win during that span was a 116.00 - 75.50 blowout win over KWare.
For the second straight week, Blaine Gabbert filled in at quarterback for a starter on a bye week, and for the second straight week, he was ineffective. Gabbert put up just 7.28 fantasy points. Tom Brady, coming off his bye week, struggled for the first time this season. The Patriot recorded just 15.92 fantasy points on the day.
"Going head-to-head with Matt Schaub, I was excited for the opportunity," Gabbert said after his Jaguars fell to the Texans 24-14. "I didn't perform. It's as simple as that. I have to get better and I want to get an opportunity again against Fat Al and The Ocho."
Gabbert likely will not get that chance to play against his former-team. With Mark Sanchez available to start, he will likely get the nod over Gabbert.
"Blaine has done a great job filling in," Brady said speaking with the media in Bozeman, MT. "I have all the confidence in the world in him and whoever coach Stolar decides to put in on Sunday, we're confident we can get the job done."
Two new Mongooses made their debut on Sunday. Emmanuel Sanders had a solid say, wracking up 70 passing yards for seven fantasy points. Ryan Torain, in his first game as the starter for the Washington Redskins, had a game to forget. He put up just 2.00 fantasy points.
Your Fighting Mongooses are back in action this weekend against Fat Al and the Ocho.
"I honestly thought we had a shot," Maclin said after his Eagles beat the Cowboys 34-7. "Coming off the bye, I knew I would have a big day. But no one else really stepped up. Can't do everything myself. Sometimes that's just the way the cards fall."
The cards haven't been falling well for the Mongooses recently. After this weekend's loss, the team has now lost five of their last six contests. The only win during that span was a 116.00 - 75.50 blowout win over KWare.
For the second straight week, Blaine Gabbert filled in at quarterback for a starter on a bye week, and for the second straight week, he was ineffective. Gabbert put up just 7.28 fantasy points. Tom Brady, coming off his bye week, struggled for the first time this season. The Patriot recorded just 15.92 fantasy points on the day.
"Going head-to-head with Matt Schaub, I was excited for the opportunity," Gabbert said after his Jaguars fell to the Texans 24-14. "I didn't perform. It's as simple as that. I have to get better and I want to get an opportunity again against Fat Al and The Ocho."
Gabbert likely will not get that chance to play against his former-team. With Mark Sanchez available to start, he will likely get the nod over Gabbert.
"Blaine has done a great job filling in," Brady said speaking with the media in Bozeman, MT. "I have all the confidence in the world in him and whoever coach Stolar decides to put in on Sunday, we're confident we can get the job done."
Two new Mongooses made their debut on Sunday. Emmanuel Sanders had a solid say, wracking up 70 passing yards for seven fantasy points. Ryan Torain, in his first game as the starter for the Washington Redskins, had a game to forget. He put up just 2.00 fantasy points.
Your Fighting Mongooses are back in action this weekend against Fat Al and the Ocho.
Mongooses Trade For Gabbert, Williams
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BOZEMAN, Mont. -- With the bye weeks looming for both Tom Brady and Mark Sanchez, the Fighting Mongooses have made a trade. The Mongooses have dealt Robert Meachem and Sage Rosenfels to Fat Al and The Ocho for Blaine Gabbert and DeAngelo Williams. This is the team's first trade of the season.
The center piece of the deal is Gabbert. The 6'4", 233 pound quarterback for the Jacksonville Jaguars will get the start at second quarterback for the Mongooses each of the next two weeks. Brady has a bye next week, Sanchez the week after that. Gabbert's bye week is not until week 9. The former Missouri star arrived in Bozeman, this morning.
"Well, here I am," Gabbert said as the room filled with laughter. "I'm happy to be here. I'm excited for the opportunity to play here in Bozeman. It's kind of a fresh start for me. I'm a bit disappointed it didn't work out with Fat Al and The Ocho. But the Fighting Mongooses are a solid franchise and I look forward to contributing to this team."
Williams also spoke with the media upon arrival. The 5'9", 217 pound running back from Carolina will battle for a starting spot at running back with Felix Jones injured. But Williams said today he's not focused on that.
"I'm here to do what I do," Williams began. "I's be doin' what I do my whole career and that's all I be thinkin' 'bout. If the coaches put me in, they knows what they's gonna get. Hopefully I'll get the chance to proves myself."
Meachem was a solid third wide receiver for the Mongooses. Arizona's Early Doucet will likey start in his place. Rosenfels was picked up last week for the off-chance he would start for Miami. That does not seem likely.
The center piece of the deal is Gabbert. The 6'4", 233 pound quarterback for the Jacksonville Jaguars will get the start at second quarterback for the Mongooses each of the next two weeks. Brady has a bye next week, Sanchez the week after that. Gabbert's bye week is not until week 9. The former Missouri star arrived in Bozeman, this morning.
"Well, here I am," Gabbert said as the room filled with laughter. "I'm happy to be here. I'm excited for the opportunity to play here in Bozeman. It's kind of a fresh start for me. I'm a bit disappointed it didn't work out with Fat Al and The Ocho. But the Fighting Mongooses are a solid franchise and I look forward to contributing to this team."
Williams also spoke with the media upon arrival. The 5'9", 217 pound running back from Carolina will battle for a starting spot at running back with Felix Jones injured. But Williams said today he's not focused on that.
"I'm here to do what I do," Williams began. "I's be doin' what I do my whole career and that's all I be thinkin' 'bout. If the coaches put me in, they knows what they's gonna get. Hopefully I'll get the chance to proves myself."
Meachem was a solid third wide receiver for the Mongooses. Arizona's Early Doucet will likey start in his place. Rosenfels was picked up last week for the off-chance he would start for Miami. That does not seem likely.
Brady, Janikowski Lead Mongooses To Thrilling Victory
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BOZEMAN, Mont. -- Thanks to a 63 yard field goal by Sabastian Janikowski and a 99 yard touchdown pass by Tom Brady, the Fighting Mongooses (1-0) rallied to a thrilling 141.88 - 136.22 win over "Ray"sing the Bar (0-1). Both plays tied NFL records. With the team in dire straights going into the two Monday night football games, both Brady and Janikowski stepped up big time as they combined for 52.98 fantasy points.
"We knew what we had to do," Brady said after hist Patriots held off the Dolphins in a shoot-out, 38-24. "I told coach Stolar I'm going to get us back in this thing. I just kept throwing the ball and the yards and scores just started to wrack up."
Brady threw for 517 yards and four touchdowns in the win, including a 99 yard touchdown pass that really gave the team some hope.
"The 99-yarder was huge," Brady said. "I mean, five extra points for a touchdown over 40 yards, plus the points for the score, plus the points for the yards? You're talking about one play that gets you over twenty points."
Brady got the Mongooses close, but due to Chad Henne's superb play, it wasn't enough. The Mongooses needed Janikowsi to put up points in the night's second game, and he did just that. The Raiders' place kicker connected on all three of his field goal attempts, including a record-tying 63-yarder right before half time that gave the Mongooses their first lead of the weekend.
"I wanted to murder that ball," Janikowski said. "I kicked the [expletive] out of that ball. I knew if I made that kick and then don't [expletive] up the rest of the game, it was over. I was so pumped."
The Fighting Mongooses play G-Robs 'Lil Engine in week 2.
"We knew what we had to do," Brady said after hist Patriots held off the Dolphins in a shoot-out, 38-24. "I told coach Stolar I'm going to get us back in this thing. I just kept throwing the ball and the yards and scores just started to wrack up."
Brady threw for 517 yards and four touchdowns in the win, including a 99 yard touchdown pass that really gave the team some hope.
"The 99-yarder was huge," Brady said. "I mean, five extra points for a touchdown over 40 yards, plus the points for the score, plus the points for the yards? You're talking about one play that gets you over twenty points."
Brady got the Mongooses close, but due to Chad Henne's superb play, it wasn't enough. The Mongooses needed Janikowsi to put up points in the night's second game, and he did just that. The Raiders' place kicker connected on all three of his field goal attempts, including a record-tying 63-yarder right before half time that gave the Mongooses their first lead of the weekend.
"I wanted to murder that ball," Janikowski said. "I kicked the [expletive] out of that ball. I knew if I made that kick and then don't [expletive] up the rest of the game, it was over. I was so pumped."
The Fighting Mongooses play G-Robs 'Lil Engine in week 2.
Fighting Mongooses Take Roid Rage Title
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BOZEMAN, Mont. -- With the team in first place virtually all season, the Fighting Mongooses could taste their first-ever baseball title in franchise history back in May. But on Wednesday, it became official. With the 2011 Major League Baseball regular season in the books, the Fighting Mongooses are officially your 2011 Roid Rage Comeback Tour Fantasy Baseball League Champions!
The Mongooses held off a couple of late surging teams in Don't Call Him Fidel and Brandon Belted. Both franchises cut the Mongooses' lead to single digits in September, but the lead never fell below eight points. The Fighting Mongooses ended up with 87 points, winning the league by a comfortable margin of ten.
"I can't even describe what I'm feeling right now," Felix Hernandez said covered in Champagne. "I'm so happy. Playing for a terrible team in Seattle can be incredibly frustrating, but to finally get that ring, the fantasy ring, the ring that really matters, that's awesome!" King Felix finished the year with a 3.47 ERA, but more importantly, 222 strike outs.
As it was for Hernandez, the Mongooses' title was also the first for other deserving players. None was more emotional after than Todd Helton. In his 15th season, Helton finally got the ring he so deserved.
"I owe the Fighting Mongooses a great debt of gratitude," Helton said with tears in his eyes. "I've had a solid career. But I'd be lying if I told you that this wasn't special. Midway through the season when I was sitting as a free agent, I thought to myself, 'this is it. I'm never gonnna get that ring.' But the Mongooses took a chance on me. They knew I wasn't done. I knew I wasn't done. Now, I can finally call myself a champion."
Mongooses Jon Jay, Yadier Molina and Kyle Lohse went on to win the 2011 World Series with the Saint Louis Cardinals, just continuing the Mongoose way as their team continued to play after the fantasy season ended.
"We just couldn't stop winning," Jay said. "We really had nothing to play for in the playoffs with the fantasy title already in the bag. But we just continued to perform and just happened to lead the Cardinals to a world series title."
Team MVP Miguel Montero was not available for comment, but he was seen celebrating with his teammates repeating, "Hello. My name is Miguel Montero. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
This is the first baseball title in Fighting Mongooses history, but the team hopes it won't be the last. With the Roid Rage Comeback Tour set up as a "keeper's league," many of these Mongooses will be back next year. The Fighting Mongooses won the Brewster 11 Football title in 2006 and the CitrusTV March Madness Bracket title in 2010.
The Mongooses held off a couple of late surging teams in Don't Call Him Fidel and Brandon Belted. Both franchises cut the Mongooses' lead to single digits in September, but the lead never fell below eight points. The Fighting Mongooses ended up with 87 points, winning the league by a comfortable margin of ten.
"I can't even describe what I'm feeling right now," Felix Hernandez said covered in Champagne. "I'm so happy. Playing for a terrible team in Seattle can be incredibly frustrating, but to finally get that ring, the fantasy ring, the ring that really matters, that's awesome!" King Felix finished the year with a 3.47 ERA, but more importantly, 222 strike outs.
As it was for Hernandez, the Mongooses' title was also the first for other deserving players. None was more emotional after than Todd Helton. In his 15th season, Helton finally got the ring he so deserved.
"I owe the Fighting Mongooses a great debt of gratitude," Helton said with tears in his eyes. "I've had a solid career. But I'd be lying if I told you that this wasn't special. Midway through the season when I was sitting as a free agent, I thought to myself, 'this is it. I'm never gonnna get that ring.' But the Mongooses took a chance on me. They knew I wasn't done. I knew I wasn't done. Now, I can finally call myself a champion."
Mongooses Jon Jay, Yadier Molina and Kyle Lohse went on to win the 2011 World Series with the Saint Louis Cardinals, just continuing the Mongoose way as their team continued to play after the fantasy season ended.
"We just couldn't stop winning," Jay said. "We really had nothing to play for in the playoffs with the fantasy title already in the bag. But we just continued to perform and just happened to lead the Cardinals to a world series title."
Team MVP Miguel Montero was not available for comment, but he was seen celebrating with his teammates repeating, "Hello. My name is Miguel Montero. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
This is the first baseball title in Fighting Mongooses history, but the team hopes it won't be the last. With the Roid Rage Comeback Tour set up as a "keeper's league," many of these Mongooses will be back next year. The Fighting Mongooses won the Brewster 11 Football title in 2006 and the CitrusTV March Madness Bracket title in 2010.